Scar Tissue
by deathbringer374
Summary: After Third Impact fic. The world goes to some semblance of normality. Ikari Shinji lays in bed, unmoving, tubes and wires all over, machines beeping away. Asuka stares, horrofied, at the result of her violence. Maybe revenge tasted...bitter. AXS.R
1. Chapter 1

AN: Don't own Evangelion, wish i did though lol, I'd make such a trippy storyline. Well here´s my first try at an Eva fic, hope you like it. Reviews give me writing power!

Chapters revised! OOOHH YEAAAAHHH!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter 1. The curtains open: Look At Yourself

NERV Medical Ward

Here she was again, after promising herself never to set foot on the inside of the wretched, hollow depths of the organization that had ruined her life, after swearing to every God and Demon in existence that she would never, ever again be caught in a medical facility as long as she lived, here she was.

It was funny, in a way, the nature of that which people often called fate. It was a sadistic, evil bastard, if one could determine fate as an individual. Life never went the way she wanted; it twisted her desires to an extent where she no longer understood herself, and much less others. What she did know, however, without a shadow of a doubt, was that she had gone too far. The last time she had set foot in a medical ward had been because of her own actions; she had run away in the most Shinji-like manner and allowed her body and mind to decay, until she had been found by Section 2. She had fallen into a coma then, only waking up to be speared, bled and dismembered. Coincidentally, it was her time trapped inside her own mind that had allowed the _bast_-Shinji to give some pleasure to himself at her expense, but such a thing was trivial in her mind at the moment. She had, after all, done much, MUCH worse.

And there, with that line of thought, Sohryu Asuka Langley came back to the present, to the cold, sterile little world of NERV medical ward. She stood outside the door of a room labeled only by a cold, sterile number, much like the location itself, room 203.

Inside the room, which was locked specifically to her, Ikari Shinji recovered from his newest almost-encounter with death. The concussion wasn't the worst of his injuries; if anything, it was the easiest to patch up. Two of his four broken ribs had punctured his lungs, his diaphragm was torn to such an extent that the boy had had a respirator keep him alive for the last two days. The dislocated shoulder and the shattered radius were of no consequence, again, those kinds of injuries were easy to heal, it just took time. The damage to his lungs had been extensive; his heart had been in danger at some point, a broken shard of rib bone sticking out of it. As the doctors had so casually announced, it was a miracle the boy was still alive.

Added to the injuries, his almost decaying physical condition had not helped matters. It would appear that the boy had not been eating or sleeping well for over eight months. Oh, coincidence, oh, irony.

Eight months was the time that had passed since that one, life-defining event. Third Impact. The death and rebirth of all men and women, as well as the world. It was common knowledge now, of the forces and entities that had crafted the master plan that had been Third Impact. The perpetrators of the Event had never returned though, as was to be expected, they were happy hiding away in what remained of the once "Sea of LCL". Everyone had died, and returned, with the knowledge that had for so long eluded mankind, the knowledge that they were separated for a reason, that pain existed for a reason. After all, without pain, there could be no joy, without hate there could be no love, without barriers, walls or hearts there could be no self, no individuality, and THAT was hell.

It was kind of funny, the way people had returned. Not a week had passed since the boy rejected Instrumentality when everyone started coming back. Misato, for some reason, had been one of the first ones to return. When addressed the question of why, she had simply stated that her children needed a mother. As Touji, the idiotic jock had returned, with his arm and leg no less, he had responded that his sister needed him. Kensuke had found no fun in the sea of people, so he had decided to return. It was that easy to come back, one had to simply imagine him or herself as individual beings and find some sort of hope to hold on to and that was it, back to the real world.

Back to the real world…

Asuka blinked, slowly, and exhaled. She had been standing in front of Shinji's door for over an hour now, not mustering up the courage to enter his hospital room. Misato's words came back, fresh and cutting like before.

"_Don't you get near him, I swear to whatever god there is that if you so much as BREATHE HIS AIR, I'll kill you, I swear Asuka, I'll kill you myself." _

She would, too, Asuka had seen it in her eyes. Shinji was, after all, like a son to her and only a week before, she had been some sort of a daughter to the drunken bitch, but not anymore. Not anymore.

'_Nothing's ever gonna be the same,_' she thought sadly, looking at the white, pure, sterile floor beneath her feet.

'_Why did I do that? How could I ever do something like that? For eight months, I've tortured him, TORTURED HIM._' The part of her mind that screamed and raged that he deserved every last thing she had done was strangely quiet this time, maybe by the guilt.

Guilt. Such a fleeting, new feeling for the Second Child. For so long she had done what she wanted, taken what she wanted and gotten what she wanted, only to find that was she was taking was in fact not what she wanted.

Bitter thoughts started entering her mind as she stood petrified, in front of Shinji's hospital room. Her treacherous mind betrayed her yet again, as it started showing her the events of the past eight months, as if daring her to feel something else but the crushing guilt that ate at her soul. Forcing her to remember from day 1, from the day she had woken to find his hands on her throat, squeezing with such strength.

"_I feel sick." _

She had, indeed, felt sick at the time. The Asuka that had returned from the vast sea of souls had seen the darkest parts of Shinji's mind, and had been disgusted by it. Granted, he had actually jerked himself off in front of her, at the sight of her exposed breasts. He had done _nothing _as the MP Evangelions had ripped her to shreds, and he had killed every last living human on Earth. But above all else, she was sickened by the similarities between them both. So alone, so cold, both of their souls.

She had watched as he got off her and kept crying his eyes out. Too worn out to do anything, she had fallen unconscious. Hours later she had awoken to the smell of burning wood and had found herself on a sleeping bag with a blanket on top of her. Shinji had cooked some kind of instant ramen and offered it to her. She had taken the cup of steaming noodles and thrown it at his unsuspecting face, burning him.

'_That was the first time I hurt him, and I just couldn't stop from then on,' _she thought, looking at her leather shoes, shoes he had polished to brightness and laid fresh and clean for her to wear.

They had to fend for themselves for a week, before Misato had found them in a torn house 20 miles south from Tokyo 3. Throughout the week, Shinji had done everything, from cleaning, to looking for food and water, seeking shelter, looking for clothes, cooking said food and helping Asuka with whatever she wanted. They barely spoke to each other. No, that was not right. HE did not speak.

Asuka wanted to cry, she wanted to cry so badly, but the tears would not come. She was unworthy of such things; she did not deserve to cry for him.

The things she had said to him, oh God, the things she had said. They were such horrible words, made for hurting, for damaging, for cutting deep into another's soul. When addressed with any accusation, Shinji had the same answer for everything.

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Asuka, I'm sorry. I don't deserve anything, I'm sorry." _

It had infuriated her to no end, to hear those words from him. She had slapped him, hit him, kicked him until she was tired and worn. All the while, he had taken it, silent; crying but silent. She remembered what he had said to her, the first night after 'coming back'. He had thought she was asleep at the time.

"_I'm scum, the lowest of the low, but right now we need to stick together. I know I don't deserve to be near you. I deserve nothing but to be tortured and killed, I know that. But now, I'll do anything for you, ANYTHING. I know you hate me, I know you'll never forgive me, but that's okay. I don't deserve your forgiveness. Of all the people I've hurt, I've hurt you the most, I'm sorry. If anyone deserves to punish me, it's you. I'll do whatever you want. When you're tired of me, you can do whatever you want. My life is yours, even if my life is meaningless…_

"_I want you to know, that, I like you, Asuka…"_

The following morning, she had hit him with her closed fist as a wake-up call. She had no wounds, no trace whatsoever of her fight with the EVA series, but he did then. The left side of his face had blisters all over, thanks to the noodles she had so graciously dropped on him, and he had a black eye.

When Misato had found them, his face was swollen, some of the blisters were infected, and he looked pale. When addressed with the question of how he had gotten his wounds, he had simply stated that he had fallen.

'_Even then, he took all the blame. He knew what Misato would do, so he just said nothing.' _

The world was up and about again, sure, but a third of humanity still had not returned. There was no doubt Gendou Ikari would never come back. Ritsuko, for some reason had returned. Most would say it was because of Maya. Most of NERV had come back, and the world had gone back to some semblance of normality. They had had to live in a UN rescue camp for a month after Misato had come bursting through the door, so long ago.

She had not relented on her abuse, though. When no one was watching, she would insult him, slap him, claw at him, demanding to know why he had done nothing, why he had done what he had done in the hospital room, why he had found it fit to KILL every living being on Earth. Shinji never answered more than the typical and disgusting sorry, sorry, sorry.

She wanted to use that word so badly now. She wanted to apologize for all the screams, the cutting words, the punches, the kicks, the slaps, everything.

'_As if sorry would ever compensate for what I've done. What he did is NOTHING, nothing compared to _that.' She begged her subconscious to stop, to please stop. She did not want to remember this, the most horrible thing she had done. She could not. Would not. But she would.

"I…I _raped_ him," she whispered hoarsely to the closed door. The guilt was eating away at her heart. It was so suffocating. Why couldn't she just pretend it had never happened, like all the times before? For six months, since they had moved to the apartment, she had abused Shinji in every possible way. As he cleaned, cooked and did everything in the household, she had feasted on his suffering, on his pain. She howled his actions on his face, screaming he was a murderer, a rapist, a monster. The one time he had quietly defended himself by telling her that deep down they were the same, two fingers on his hand had been broken for his trouble. Misato was never around; she had to work almost every day. When she was around, Shinji acted as if nothing was wrong. When asked about his bruises, he always made up some bullshit story to save her undeserving behind.

Her deepest regret was, however, the most disgusting to her. She had raped Shinji, as much as a woman could rape a man. One particular night of loneliness and nightmares, she had walked to his bedroom, kicked him and said two simple words.

"Pants down."

She had taken him, and when Shinji had tried to touch her, to kiss her, she had punched him in the face. He did not deserve to enjoy it, he had no right to enjoy it, so he kept his hands to himself. The process repeated itself for months. Perhaps once or twice a month, when the loneliness became too much to bear. She used him, slept on his bed, enjoyed his warmth and then left in the morning, careful not to wake Misato, neither of them making any mention of it. There was just so much rage inside, so much anger and spite and hate and fear and sadness. He was there; he took whatever she threw at him, never taking advantage, never reclaiming anything for himself. He was there, and he had suffered for it, for caring for her, for begging, _begging_ for understanding, not even forgiveness, just understanding, company. She had denied it.

Asuka's mind began to fight itself as she slowly sat on the bench by his door.

'_He, he did those things to me, I was just paying him back! He deserved it! That bastard killed everyone!'_

Liar, he gave everyone a second chance, SEELE killed everyone.

'_HE raped ME!'_

Did he?

'_He let me die!'_

Bakelite, remember? After all, you saw inside his mind.

'_He didn't care, he let me die!'_

Really? Funny thing about that….

"_I want you to know, that, I like you, Asuka…"_

'_He was lying! He always lies! He's nothing, NOTHING!'_

No, you are nothing, you selfish bitch.

'_He would just hurt me, just like Mama! I hate him, I hate him, I HATE HIM!'_

No, you don't.

'_I HATE HIM!'_

You hate yourself, and you hurt yourself through him.

You care for him, and he cares for you.

'_LIAR! LIAAAAAAAAAAAR!' _

You lie to yourself. He cares for you so much that he was willing to suffer for you, to offer your sick, demented self some sense of calm, you selfish bitch…

You selfish bitch….. You _selfish bitch…._

'_Selfish…'_

'_Selfish, just like Mama…'_

In her mind's eye, she was running back to that room, back to that hell, only she wasn't a child. She was in her plugsuit, running towards a door that had a seemingly familiar heart-shaped sign. She was smiling and saying something, but she couldn't understand. As she threw the door open, there was Shinji, dangling from the ceiling, a rope around his throat. He opened his eyes and gazed at her, an insane smile on his face.

"_Hi, Asuka, look at what you did to me…!"_

She screamed.

The scream brought her back to reality, to the cold, sterile reality of the NERV medical ward.

Apparently, she had fallen asleep on the bench, her head against the wall. The nightmare had been so real, one moment she was fighting herself over whether or not Shinji deserved what she had done, the next, she was in that nightmare, running towards his door.

Asuka lifted herself up shakily and faced his door once again. She needed to see him. It was too unbearable to just sit outside; she needed to feel him, to touch him. She needed to apologize.

For the first time in her young life, Asuka truly felt ashamed of her actions towards someone else. She had hurt the one person that had stood by her side at all times, even when he knew there was nothing in return for him. She needed to apologize, to hold him, to have him hold her. Not once had she let him hold her after her "night visits". She needed it so badly right now, for once, to be held in his protective embrace, and she was admitting it to herself.

'_Kaji, would you be proud of me? No…If you only knew what I've done…'_

Her mind was set, no matter what; she would earn his forgiveness, even when SHE did not deserve it, consequences be damned. It didn't matter if Misato came through that door, nobody would stop her.

A determined look occupied her pretty face, and Sohryu Asuka Langley pushed the button to his door and let herself in, and not a moment later she regretted her decision.

Looking at the result of her violence was almost too much to bear. Tubes were everywhere around his body. His chest was covered by a thick layer of bandages, along with his forehead. His right arm was in a cast. Two IV tubes were connected to his left, one giving the much needed nutrients he needed to survive, the other one injecting a powerful sedative to his bloodstream. Suddenly she was back in the apartment, snuggled against his naked chest, and for the first time, his right arm encircled her waist.

_It had been an especially bad night, she had relived the dismemberment. She could faintly feel the EVAs, their teeth, their hands all over, tearing, ripping, eating. She could feel the Lance in her eye, her arm torn in half. In tears, she had come to him, demanding the comfort he so selflessly provided. After she was done, her orgasm still coursing through her, she collapsed on top of him, fast asleep. _

_For Shinji, he had reached a breaking point. He needed the contact as well, so he had gently placed his arm around her, holding her close. Even after all she had done, he could not bring himself to hate her, he only hated himself more, because all he could ever do was hurt her. She had told him so, and he had strangled her. _

_When she woke up, she felt so relieved, so comfortable, lying there on his chest, until she found out he had broken her rule, he was not to touch her. In a moment, all the memories came back, the way he had satisfied himself off her, the way he had just sat there as her mind was defiled in every possible way by the 15th Angel, how he just sat there, doing nothing, as she was torn apart. In one movement, she got up and pulled on his arm until the satisfying –snap- was heard. His eyes were open in an instant, as his mouth released a scream of pain._

"_You bastard! How dare you! How dare you put your dirty hands on me!" She grabbed his head before he could utter a word and smashed it against his only window. He fell like a drunken man to the floor, holding his now bleeding head with his left arm as he pulled himself to his knees and looked at her in the eye. That stare, it was like the one during Instrumentality. Cold, disgusted, so much like his father's eyes. Crying from the pain, he uttered the words that sealed his fate._

"_I just...wanted…to hold you...just this onc-"_

_The kick was powerful; it pushed every breath he owned out of his body. _

_Asuka started kicking viciously on the side with her left leg, ignoring the pain of her own foot and her nakedness. She concentrated on kicking this, this, bastard that had dared touch her, this MONSTER that had the audacity to think he deserved anything but pain. She blissfully ignored the repeated cracks and the feeling of something giving in his chest._

"_Hold me? Hold ME? How dare you, horny little worm! Don't you think I feel dirty enough just by doing this with YOU? You're nothing but a toy, a tool for me to use whenever I want! You're not worth anything, you said it yourself! You're nothing, Shinji! You're NOTHING! NOTHING!"_

_Finally, exhaustion got the best of her and she stopped her assault. For a while, Shinji just lay there, the tears still leaking through his eyes, his expression dead, lifeless. Then, a shake emanated from him and Shinji recoiled, pain overwhelming his brain. He wanted to scream, but found he couldn't breathe. When he managed to take some air, something else stirred in him and jumped to his throat, his whole body exploding in pain. _

_Asuka turned her head when he squirmed, and actually saw what she had done. Shinji lifted himself and tried to breathe, his eyes unfocused and his forehead bleeding. Then, to her everlasting horror, Shinji heaved and spat a mouthful of blood, followed by another. He fell on the floor, whimpering almost inaudibly as he struggled to breathe through his broken ribs._

_Blood kept coming out of his nose for some reason. He started shaking, violently, and in that moment where he just stopped moving, the self-induced maniac desire of revenge was shattered by a single, horrible thought. _

_^Shinji is going to die^ _

_She tore the door open and dashed to the phone, tears unconsciously spilling from her eyes as a deep feeling of hysteria consumed her mind. As she reached the phone, a single number came to mind and she dialed as fast as she could._

_With each passing tone Asuka's fear grew worse, until a voice answered on the other side of the line._

"_Katsuragi here," said Misato, her No-Bullshit tone completely active. She was probably on a budget meeting again._

_Her voice quivered violently as she tried to utter something, anything to bring her guardian here._

"_M-M…Misato, I...I did something… really bad..." she all but wailed at the telephone._

"_Shinji…Shinji's hurt….bad…please come here, he... Oh my God, he's not moving…Misato please…he's dying…!"_

…

_Misato had not spoken a word, she had simply run. The poor mayor, in tears of despair had called Section Two and demanded medical assistance. Not two minutes later, the two agents broke through the door along with the medics. Another two minutes and they were out the door with the poor boy on a stretcher, his body limp. _

_She had stayed there, her head clear enough to see her nakedness and strong enough to take action. After she threw a sweatshirt and some shorts on, she sat there, for four hours, until Misato came through the door…_

"No…I can't remember that. The things she said…" Her voice was a faint whisper inside the sterile room.

She felt so repulsed with herself, so disgusted. Shinji had almost died, and he had been tortured by her. For eight months, EIGHT MONTHS. He had tried to act normal, he had tried to be normal for Misato, to be happy for Touji and Hikari, to be friendly with Kensuke. But everyone had noticed; he had been more depressed than ever. Now he lay there, unmoving, barely breathing, all wrapped up in bandages.

She hadn't expected a punch from Misato. Maybe a slap, but she felt she deserved it. Five days, and it still hurt to chew. It felt good though. No one knew yet. She just felt Touji would kill her- no, she was sure of it, Touji would kill her with his bare hands, while Hikari laughed and Kensuke filmed it for Shinji.

"Heh... I guess Kensuke would provide a helping hand…" The tone sounded so bitter, so empty, just like she felt. Asuka knew she had crossed the line; she had done the worst, most horrible thing in her life. Her self-hatred mind was, however, paused, as Shinji groggily opened his eyes and uttered.

"Uhhg… This ceiling again… I guess I'm not dead yet…" He sounded disappointed. Then his eyes caught a glimpse of red and he froze completely. Something primal stirred in his battered chest as he started to feel very much afraid.

Asuka noticed his fright. As soon as he saw her, he started shaking like he was freezing cold, his eyes wide and wildly frightened. She didn't know what to say, so she tried to approach, but at the first step she took towards Shinji's bed, the boy let out a horrified yelp and shut his eyes as tightly as he could. As she took the second step, Shinji screamed.

His scream was weak, muffled and in the end sounded like a painful yelp, but the horrified expression never left his face, and the raw terror Asuka saw in those eyes was forever burned in her memory…..

TBC…

AN: Yo everybody, I've been kinda lost haven't I? Well thanks to the wonderful help of Lazy Alzers (thank you!) chapters are in the process of being revided, corrected and overall improved, some of my esteemed reviewers brought my spelling and grammar erros to accolation, so they have been reduced LOL, thanks again to Lady Alzers!. I might even change a thing or two in future chappies, who knows... Anyway, the next chap is taking so long because I've got a mild case of writer's block AND a thesis that's kicking my ass, so it might take a bit more, BUT the next chap is gonna be worth it. Trust me. Thanks for reading, enjoy the revised versions!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Well, here´s chapter 2 hehe. Hope you all like it, it´s a little darker, but rest assured, the next chapters will develop in a clearer time-order, AND they´ll be a bit less brutal on the angst, I just had to get all the poison out of the way you know. Well, anyway, I killed myself today writing it, i don´t know, your reviews just inspired the hell out of me, what can I say. So, anyway, anyone interested in being my beta reader? Enjoy!!! don´t forget to review on your way out!!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter 2. First Act: Overture, Look at Me

Day 3-Intensive care, NERV medical ward

Shinji felt like shit

Such a proverbial, simple statement worked the magic of describing his inner and outer feelings perfectly. He felt like absolute shit. Granted, he could not feel most of his body, but it hurt to breathe and for some reason he could not wake up. One would believe that being trapped in a morphine-induced slumber would be quite the trip, but such was not the case for that particular young man. Being asleep, or physically unconscious, meant being inside your own mind, and there was nothing Shinji feared more than his subconscious. Time and time again it had tortured him worse than Asuka ever could.

So, Ikari Shinji felt like shit, not in the metaphorical sense, but quite literally. To him, he WAS shit; he was worth exactly that, SHIT.

So then, why would the savior of mankind degrade himself in such a way? Simple, he was no savior. Sure, people came back. Sure, Touji had gotten his limbs back; his little sister would never have to visit physical therapy again. Sure, Misato had come back. He had all but watched her die, and not a week later she came back from the dead. He remembered the way he reacted, it was so pitiful. He had all but pushed her cross to her hands, begging her to take it back. The cross reminded him of his eternal failure, of his horrible actions. It was so heavy against his neck he just couldn´t take it. She consoled him, held him for hours as he cried and bawled and screamed like a little child, while Asuka watched, disgusted, from afar.

_Asuka…_

He loved her, that much was certain in his mind. he didn´t really understood love, but he was ceatain of it. He loved that red hair, those beautiful ocean blue eyes, that perfect, _perfect_ body she possessed, but most of all, he loved her spirit. The fire that burned in her soul was so bright, so full of energy. Instrumentality had taught him many things, among those, he had learned of Asuka´s past, of her Mother and her childhood. The similarities were disturbing, to say the least.

Why couldn't he hate her? He had tried, GOD he had tried, but there was no anger in him, not directed at her anyway. He understood Asuka; he understood the reasons behind her actions, behind her violence. She was alone, had been alone her entire life, and because of her history she was afraid to allow people to get close. She was not a Hedgehog; she was porcupine, a very angry one at that. In Asuka´s mind, no human being besides Kaji had her best interests in mind, everyone was after her in some way, so she HAD to be the best at everything she did. She sought for the wrong kind of attention, even when she subconsciously hated it.

Asuka hated perverted little boys, but she wore her skirts higher to allow a better view at her perfect legs. She ranted that she did not need anyone, yet when she had lost that one thing she thought made her special and the attention was taken away, she fell apart faster than a building in an Angel attack. She craved for the empty praise, but ran away from real relationships.

Asuka was so confusing, but he found himself loving her more and more. Most would believe that Shinji only saw the German pilot as a sexual object, but they did not understand Ikari Shinji at all.

Shinji had watched as thousands were murdered in front of him, he had run through a sea of corpses to get to his Evangelion, he had watched the only mother he ever had get shot and die. He had killed the only person that had ever admitted loving him; he had squashed Kaowru with his bare hands. He had done and seen things no child could ever bare, but the moment Ikari Shinji had lost his mind and will to live was the moment he saw Eva Unit 02. He had ascended, the mighty Unit One howling, it´s wings crashing everything on it´s pass, and as he had gone over the Geofront, _that_ sight had greeted him. Shinji had lost his mind.

For eight months now, that same scene replayed itself again and again in his mind. The butchered remains of the girl he not-so-secretly liked, presented before him by the abomination that were the MP Evas. It was too much for his fragile heart to take.

The moment the idea sank into his brain, the thought that Asuka was dead, and had died such a horrible death, it just became too much. It was no big surprise, everyone had a breaking point.

When presented with Instrumentality, he thought he could find her there and maybe apologize and have a second chance, but when he could barely distinguish himself from the rest the task proved futile. Even when he found her, she rejected him, and his heart twisted itself. He had begged her to help him, to aid him finding himself, but she had refused, it was in her right after all, no one could be forced to help another human being. Poisonous anger had invaded what remained of him.

"_I choked her, I killed her, I killed her, I killed her…" _That one terrible thought kept repeating itself in his mind, refusing to let him rest, in this morphine-induced coma of his.

Day 4-Intensive care, NERV medical ward

He felt somehow more lucid now, he couldn't wake up, but he could feel his body around him, or most of it. He had no feeling in his right arm, it still hurt to breathe, but the glass shards were gone. There was something wrong with his head, it just kept spinning. He could not hear, taste or see anything, but his mind provided more than enough material for him to be, how shall we say, _entertained…_

"_Stop it, please, just this once. Stop showing these things to me. I know I´m scum, I KNOW IT DAMNIT, just…just leave me alone….it hurts so much……so much…….."_

It was the masturbation, all over again. He was standing by Asuka´s side, attempting in a futile effort to wake her, to have scream at him, to have him call him an idiot, he didn´t care. He _needed _her. Then, with a final push, her breasts were exposed to him. He could feel it, the lust that controlled him at the time. Again, he could feel himself reach his peak and release his poisonous seed to his dirty, dirty hand.

Shinji desperately wanted to scream, to get up and wash his hands, to rid himself of the disgusting sensation, of the feeling of warm semen all over his palm.

"_I'm the lowest…of the low"_

Then, the scene changed, to another horrible moment. Her death at his hands.

"…_No…no….NOOOOOO…..STOP!! STOOOP!!!!....please….no more, I can´t, I can´t live this again….I didn´t mean to, she could have helped me!!! It´s her own fault for being so stubborn!!!"_

**Yeah right**

That voice, everything but that voice, not again.

**Why, is that fear I sense in you? Do you fear me, Shinji?**

Yes, he did, he feared that voice so much. It felt as if someone was drawing their fingernails on a board. It broke him, to hear that rotten, rotten voice that stank of rotten corpses.

**Corpses, huh? How intriguing Shinji-kun. Did you know, Shinji-kun, that you KILLED everyone?**

"_Yes…_** "**

**Do you, really? Do you hear them, screaming as you killed them? Or have you forgotten their pain? Have you? Shinji-kuun…**

"_I remember…please, don´t make me..Don´t make me listen" _In this dark void that was his mind, a light appeared, under it, Shinji stood, head down, shoulders slumped, shaking like a leaf, tears running down his face.

"_Please, no more…."_

**Oooh, but we have just begun Shinji my boy. Let´s hear them, ONE MORE TIME. **

"_No…please…don´t, please…" _The voice paid no mind to his pathetic whimpers. At once, his ears were flooded by the screams of tree billion human beings, as they were turned into primordial soup. Women, children, babies, aged men and women, all at once, scream at once into his ears. It was deafening.

**Do you like it, Shinji-kun? It´s just a small reminder, just so you´re ALWAYS sure of what you are, and do you know what you are?**

"_Y..yes"_

**And…What is it that you are? What are you Shinji? What name do they give to someone like you?**

"_I´m a coward, a monster, a rapist…I´m nothing…Not even Rei can stand the sight of me, that´s why she´ll never come back…"_

**Using Asuka´s words are you? Your twisted tongue has no right to utter the same words that came from HER mouth, you´re unworthy of such honor. I want You to tell ME, Shinji-kun, just WHAT you are.**

"_I´m, I´m…." _

**Yeeeeeessssss…** The voice was so full of malice, it took a sick pleasure in his suffering.

**Please…do tell, just who you are…**

"_I´m, I…I am my father´s son…" _A mere whisper in the void that is Ikari Shinji´s mind

**Yes, you are. **He hated that voice, it was so cold, so unforgiving, so much like his father

"_stop, please…no more…" _he was so weak now, even though he was unconscious, he could not find solace anywhere. The voice spoke again.

**Do you want to know who I am? Do you Shinji?**

"_I hate you, I hate you!!! Leave me alone!!!!! It wasn´t my fault!!!! Please!!!! I tried!! I tried!!!!"_

**No, you did not, don´t delude yourself Ikari. You did NOTHING. Need I show you just how much you **_**tried?**_

"_No…not again…it´s too much, please, not again…" _

**YES!! AGAIN!! AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!!!!!! You remember this IKARI SHINJI!!!!! REMEMBER YOUR FAILURE!!!!!!!!**

Maya was screaming through the speaker, Asuka was down.

"Shinji….Asuka!! Asuka is…Oh my GOD!!! SHINJI!!"

He sat there, like a puppet with no strings, staring at the Bakelite that covered the monster who had ruined his miserable existence. He could faintly hear Asuka´s scream of pain as the spear went through her eye. But he sat there. He could have yelled at the damned thing, he could have looked for a way to get to the entry plug, but he didn´t. He just sat there, feeling sorry for himself, as the girl he loved was torn to shreds.

When all was silent, the purple behemoth moved, extending its arm to him, inviting him to be tortured just a little more. He climbed, and the beast extended its wings, his Mother mocking him with the faint warmth of an embrace.. She was a liar, a fiend just like his father.

Then, the horror.

Asuka´s Unit Two, or what remained of the once proud mecha, was presented to him, a sickening offer to an equally sickening god. Arms, limbs and organs gripped by the white monsters as they danced around him, drawing closer, feasting upon the mangled corpse of Asuka´s mother.

If Shinji could vomit, he would have. But he could do nothing as the memories flooded, he couldn´t even scream as he relieved Instrumentality yet again.

Day 5-Intensive care, NERV medical ward

Today he would finally wake up. He was more conscious now, he could already feel the dulled pain of his injuries, but he allowed himself to believe he was dead. It would be so releasing, to be dead. Besides, this empty hole he found himself unable to escape from, this universe built for his suffering, for his pain, it just HAD to be hell.

"_Even if this isn´t hell, there´s nothing waiting for me out there"_

He remembered Misato, as she apologized time and time again for not showing up for dinner, always wrapped up in something.

"_It´s not her fault, it´s MINE. Had I not killed everybody and blew all of Tokyo 3 to hell she could be here, but now she always get called. If it´s not the UN it´s some government that demands a meeting with her. She´s busy because of me, she´s not happy because of me, I´m so useless, I couldn´t even bring back to her" _

Misato, having hacked into the MAGI just before Third Impact, had very valuable information for the UN. Along with Ritsuko, they had to tell the story again and again for different ears and eyes every time. The NERV employees that had returned did not have to go through the tiring process. They were in charge of a heavier duty, trying to fix the world he had sent to hell. Watching the news he had found out that Japan was almost in ruins, the explosions had reached almost every major city. Buildings had been reduced to rumble, houses had been blown away. Half the population still had to live in the UN shelters, as reconstruction continued. One could not walk through Japan anymore, a car, preferably a strong one, was necessary. Where there was no construction going on the rubble made it impossible to maneuver on foot. The farthest cost of China was destroyed, and floods were a normal occurrence. The weather pattern had once again been disrupted, yet, as if mocking human race, the ground was strangely fertile. In the week that human race had passed in that so called perfection, animals had taken over cities like San Francisco, what was left of New York , Moscow, Snt. Petersburg, Hamburg, and others. Nature had reclaimed its place once again, with vengeance. The waves had destroyed most of the near-ocean cities all over the world. Earthquakes had destroyed villages, leaving thousands of "returned" people without a home or any material possessions. Central America had been all but left intact except for some near-shore cities.

Misato, the poor woman, had been forced from day 1 to work nonstop on the reconstruction, involving herself in budget meetings, trials and overall tactics. She had protested many times, but she had no choice. Luckily, or unluckily, they had been one of the first `families' to be compensated. A brand new, tree room, two bathroom apartment. It was slightly bigger than their old apartment, but it was home. The only happiness in his life now was that apartment. When he cleaned, he could feel himself relax, he used his energy on leaving his _home_ spotless. The kitchen was his little slice of heaven, he loved cooking, specially for those dear to his heart. It made little difference if Asuka was behind his every step, accusing him or hitting him. Cleaning and cooking for those two made his heart swell with joy for some reason. Even when Asuka hit him, insulted him, berated him, even when Misato was barely there, even when Rei was not there at all, he felt happy.

**Thinking about her again, hmm? ** God, the voice, again.

**Yes Shinji, it´s me again, are you not happy to see me?**

"_No, I hate you; you give me nothing but pain" _He felt angry now, the beast in him growling in hatred.

**You hate me, but you don´t know who I am, how mature of you Shinji-kun.**

"_Shut up, SHUT UP!!!!!!" _ He wanted to kill that being, that being that spoke and tortured him.

**Hahahahaha…How utterly pathetic you are. Rei, Rei, ooooh Rei, please help me sister!! Please…come back… She´s not your sister, you know**

"_Shut up, shut up, shut up, she is, she is, she loves me and she´s coming back too, she is…"_ Every word was weaker, until his voice faded in a whisper.

**Fool, she´s a clone of your mother, she was part angel. You idiot**_**, you idiot…**_

At once, his thoughts stopped as he heard the voice change into Asuka´s.

"_No, no…please, I´ll be good. I´m sorry, I´m sorry…." _Shinji was broken, his mind was shattered. The mere thought of the redhead was immediately associated with the worst pain in existence. Heartache, soul-wrenching heartache.

"**So you choose that doll over me again, Thrid Child? Why am I not surprised? You were always drooling all over her, uugh, how disgusting."**

"_No, Asuka, you don´t understand, she´s my sister, or something like my sister, please…just gimme a second to exp-" _

"**Shut up" **He did as he was told at once. She was using the voice´s tone, dead and frozen.

"**You were never there, only for your precious little doll. I hate you, Ikari, you´re nothing but a tool, being used is the only thing you´re actually good at" **

"……"

"**You´re my toy. MINE!! Your life belongs to me, am I right?"**

"_yes…" _

Asuka smiled, but it wasn´t a warm smile, or a confident smirk. It was a sick little smile, seen only in the faces of torturers who loved their job, it was the smile Jack the Ripper wore as he slashed his victims. A smile born out of sick pleasure, so dark it made her beautiful face look like a demon´s mawl. She licked her lips then, a hungry expression occupying her face.

`Don´t say it, please don´t say it…´

"**Pants down" **

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

**Well, that was fun, wasn´t it? **The damn voice was back, it mocked him as he cried, there, sitting in the darkest parts of his broken self. He wanted it to stop, he couldn´t take so much.

**I can´t believe you´re so pathetic that you cried the first time, how unmanly is that? **Relentless, the voice continued to taunt him. It would not stop, no matter what he did.

**Shinji, Shinji, what a big crybaby. You should feel honored she lowers herself to worms like you, you should cease the opportunity**

"_I can´t, not like that, not when I can´t touch her" _He wanted to disappear at that moment. The worst always came when Asuka came to his mind. The voice knew what Asuka meant to him, it would use her again.

**Bah, such a boring little boy. She hates your guts, boy. Face it. **

"_I know she does, she should, I´m nothing but a monster" _His own voice sounded so hollow now. He didn´t have the strength anymore.

**Wanna review some of her latest commentaries on you? **The mirthless tone sent shivers down his back, it sounded like a child who knew it was getting its favorite candy.

"_Who are you?" _He needed it to stop, he couldn´t bare that pain. The eight months of torture, he couldn´t bear it. Relieving them again would drive him insane.

**Aaahhh, I thought you´d never ask my dear Shinji-kun. Do you really want to know?**

"_Yes"_

**DO you really? Can you handle it? Can you handle me, Shinji?**

"_Yes, I can" _In his mind, another light appeared, but there was nothing but a mirror under it.

**Come then, Shinji-kun, see for yourself…**The voice whispered from all over, its rotten breath intoxicating his nostrils.

Finally, he was in front of the mirror, but the thing looking from the other side wasn´t him. The figure in the mirror was a twisted version of him, its eyes red, hair completely wild, mouth salivating and drooling dark blood. The clothes covering the figure were torn and bloodied, a gashing wound on its side. The ribcage was ripped open, and Shinji could _see _the blackened, charred heart that pumped rotten blood to the hideous body of the figure.

Shinji stood there, petrified in absolute fear, staring at his "reflection". It smiled at him, a horrible expression on the half-rotten leather that was the figure´s skin.

**Hello Shinji, this is what´s been torturing you all along. **

He could not speak

**I am You. I am Ikari Shinji. Hehehe…hhahahahahahahahahahaha……**

It laughed, laughed as blood spayed all over the mirror and sprinkled him. He could not move.

Shinji opened his eyes. For a second, he thought he´d see the hideous figure there, waiting for him, but instead was greeted by the too familiar ceiling of the NERV medical ward.

"Uhhg… This ceiling again… I guess I´m not dead yet…" He was disappointed. Maybe in death he could find some semblance of peace for his troubled mind, but the truth was that death terrified him more than anything. As he briefly surveyed his room, he noticed the bandages covering his form, and for a moment he wondered why the hell he was in the damn bed anyway. The last thing he remembered was going to sleep after dinner, which Misato had missed yet again, and then…red…RED.

`_Oh God, oh my God…She´s there.´_ He had felt fear many times before, it was a natural response to everything, but this, this terror was different. He felt he didn´t have the strength anymore.

Asuka stood in front of his door, a strange expression on her face. He had never seen that expression on her before, but what his eyes saw wasn´t registered by his mind. He panicked a moment later. He wanted to get up and run to the farthest corner of the room and make himself as invisible as possible, but he couldn´t move. His chest felt horrible, like shards of broken glass moved against his lungs every time he breathed, his head hurt a little, and he couldn´t feel his right arm at all. So he lay there, petrified, much like the Second Child in front of him.

As she drew closer, a strangled yelp escaped him; he shut his eyes and begged for something to kill him at that very moment. Shinji was terrified, truly terrified. As she took a second step, the scream found him, and he allowed it´s much needed release.

Asuka stared at his roommate as he tried to disappear in any way or form. He was trying to escape; he was trying to escape from Her.

"Shinji…it´s okay" She made her voice as smooth as possible, as if dealing with a scared squirrel. But the boy did not hear her, he paid no mind to her tone. He was shaking, his eyes were tightly shut and his breath quickened dangerously. The machines started beeping faster as his poor heart increases its palpitations.

"Shinji, listen to me…please it´s okay…I´m not…I´m not going to…hurt you" Her voice was breaking, she felt like crying so much.

Shinji wanted to die. Even when death terrified him, anything was better than this pain. Asuka was saying something to him, but he could not understand her over the ringing in his ears. Soon, the fists would come, then the kicks, then the worst. The insults. The words. They hurt so much worse than ay punch. He tried in vain to somehow get up and run, but the minute his heart rate sped up a good dose of the ever-helping morphine, which instantly relaxed his troubled mind.

"Please…just this once…could you please…leave? J... Jus for a little while…I´m... I´m kinda tired…please..." His tone was so pathetic, so submissive. He was so tired, but he didn´t want to go back to sleep. That thing was waiting for him.

Asuka stopped approaching him, and for a moment she felt as if she had been slapped, but her guilt quickly reminded her that a slap would be too good for her. His blue eyes revealed his feelings, and the only thing she could recognize in those eyes was fear. He was terrified of her.

"I…sure…sorry" She turned, and walked out of the room as fast as she could. The metallic door hissed and locked itself the moment she was out of the room.

It was the first time she had ever apologized to him, but it felt so empty. He had asked her to leave. He had not demanded it, he had not shouted at her, like she deserved. He had ASKED her to leave.

"God…I feel sick" She felt the bile rise to her throat and made a crazy dash to the nearest bathroom she could find.

* * *

Shinji lay there, too surprised to do anything but gape like a goldfish. Had Asuka just…APOLOGIZED? No, it was a trick, a little dirty trick she was playing on him, so he would be defenseless when his punishment was laid on him. He didn´t blame her though. He was not mad at her. He was just sick like that, the more she hurt him, the more he found himself drawn to the scared little girl he knew was buried deep down, behind that layer of hatred.

He would be there for whatever she needed, it was the least he could do for her. He couldn´t comfort her, so he would let her use him as much as she pleased. She was right, the only thing he was ever god at was being used, whenever he tried to do something he just ended up hurting someone else, so it was better to just –

"**SHINJI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" **

Before he could finish his musing, his surrogate mother burst through the door, tears spilling from her eyes. In a second she had crossed the short distance between them, a second after his head was in her chest, as she stroked his hair lovingly and whispered sweet nothings to his head.

He didn´t exactly know why, but he started crying as well.

* * *

Asuka paused, then heaved for the third time, her entire body convulsing as she let out the last remains of her breakfast on the toilet. After she was done, she slid on the bathroom door, cleaning her mouth with some toilet paper. She still felt sick, but there was nothing else in her stomach.

She brought her knees to her chest and started crying, the tears had finally come. She felt so alone, sitting there inside the small booth, crying miserably. Soon her sobs turned to wails, her sadness overpowering whatever hatred she still clung on to. There was nobody who would console her right now, nobody to hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright.

Asuka didn´t know how long she sat there, crying her eyes out, until, to her everlasting surprise, a pair of strong arms picked her up and held her.

"W...What...Who?" She looked up to find herself in front of her guardian. Misato´s eyes were red and puffy, she had been crying.

"Why?" It was the only question her troubled mind could muster.

"I haven´t forgiven you" Misato´s voice was cold.

"I´m here because you´re like the daughter I never had, and I love you no matter what you do. What you did to Shinji was horrible, we´ll deal with that later, but right now, you both need me and I need you. I´m also here because Shinji asked me to check on you. He was worried about you."

The last comment broke her. She threw herself at her guardian, crying like never before.

Things would never be the same again, but maybe they could patch up some of the old wounds. Maybe this was a chance to make something better, but then again, maybe it wasn´t.

Asuka kept crying, not bothering to so much as hide her screams of despair, and allowed herself to be held for the first time in her young life by the woman she considered her mother. Her wails spoke of pure, raw pain. And guilt.

Misato knew she should not feel good, but some part of her felt really relieved to see Asuka reacting like she was.

"I'm not going to throw you out, but only because Shinji told me not to. God Asuka, why did you do that? Why..? "Misato´s voice was a gentle whisper in her ear, her hand kept caressing Asuka´s red mane lovingly, as she rocked the girl and tried to comfort her. Asuka had done many horrible things, and she WOULD know EVERYTHING. But for now, she desperately needed someone´s comfort and Shinji was still too terrified to provide it for her.

Both women held each other and cried for the poor boy that lay there, unconscious but for once blissfully asleep, in the cold, sterile room of NERV medical ward.....

TBC…

AN: So…yeah. Well, first things first. THANK YOU, Thank you thank you thank you for the reviews!!!!!!. I love feedback. Your words give me the strength!!!!!!!! Hehe, well, there´s chap 2. Now, to the grammar business. I´m not a native speaker, so it´s still kind of hard for me to write the sentences correctly, I sincerely apologize for the stupid mistakes, but sometimes I just get so caught up in my writing that I don´t even notice WHAt the hell it is that I´m writing. I just let myself go. SO, if anyone wishes to be my, what do u call them, beta reader or something, well, be my guest!!!! Anyone who offers WILL be my beta reader, I just hope u guys can help me on getting my grammar on track. Just send a message or something and we´ll work something up. I´ll try, and I Do enfhasise in TRY, to have the next chapter by the end of thw week, luckily I´m not on test season yet, so I can spare some time.

Referring to Shinji´s comatose self-talk, well, it was kinda my own experience put on the paper, or data, or whatever. A year ago some asshole thought id be nice to run me over, the bastard broke my ribs too, so I spent around 6 days on an induced coma. It´s like being trapped in your mind, you WANT to wake up, but you CAN´T. It wasn´t so bad for me, honestly it felt like a shroom trip gone really really wrong. Because my mind isn´t so fucked up I spent das dreaming I was somewhere with my friends, smoking weed and chillin and shit, so…yeah. The worst about having your ribs broken is breathing, honestly, it´s like having glass in your chest and feeling it press against your organs and lungs. Well, I´m rambling again…. PEACE

D.B

Inspirational music: In The Name Of God – Dream Theater


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Chapter 3!! YES!! God, this chap was particulary hard to write. Dark is easy, psyhologically messed up stuff is easy too, but this was hard hehe. As I said, this chapter is a bit lighter than the other two, but don´t get too used to it!! Also, the story had been rebranded as T, due to some of it´s coughadultcough content. On a personal note, I´d like to thanks all of those who offered to be my beta readers, and I´m pleased to announce I got one already, so I think grammar mistakes will no longer be a problem. Enjoy!! R&R!!! Remeber, rewiews give me writing power!!!!!!!!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter 3. Second Act: Forget to Remember

What do you do, when you are ripped away from the two most important people in your life? How does one cope, exactly how, when you cannot reach that home you sought for so long?

Katsuragi Misato was a complicated woman. Most of her actions had no logical reason behind them; she was the kind of person to let herself be guided by her gut feeling. Whether the term "gut" itself was correctly utilized or not was irrelevant. She was not, under any circumstances, an intellectual woman, instead, she allowed herself to act as she felt. Until recently, she had trusted her gut. Said gut, however, had cost her her beautiful children once already. After Kaji died, she had buried herself in her stupid quest for the truth, leaving behind two mentally broken children, Her children.

Misato could care less what Yui or Kyoko had to say in the matter, Asuka and Shinji were hers now. Both of them had decided it would be better to let their children suffer a lonely, terrible childhood, while they stood guard in the imposing Evangelions. Neither Yui nor Kyoko could reclaim their children anymore; Misato would simply not let them go.

In the short year they had lived together, her empty, alcohol-stinking house had turned itself in a warm, comforting shelter for the three of them. A place for smiles, for teasing and endless laughter, a place they shared with their little penguin friend. Slowly but surely, after watching as they suffered time and time again, her maternal instincts had kicked in, only a little too late. Misato, much like Shinji himself, had many regrets.

She had abandoned Asuka, in the stupid, faint believe that the girl was strong enough to fend for herself, even when her mind had been raped and all of her traumas had been thrown at her face. Her screams still haunted the Mayor´s dreams. She had allowed her little girl to starve herself to the brink of death and fall into a coma. Then she had placed Asuka inside Unit 02, in the stupid believe she would be safe there. She had ordered Asuka to fight and die. Asuka´s death had been her fault. She knew in heart that Asuka would have just rejected her, but she didn´t even try.

Shinji…there were no words to describe how she felt about Shinji. She was so disgusting, she had promised Shinji to have sex with him just so he would go and pilot that monstrosity, he had been used and then discarded like yesterday's meal. She had used them both for her own sickening wish for revenge; she had used the children that had brought so much joy to her drunken heart. Shinji had gone through so much, he had watched, actually watched Asuka´s Eva after the fight. In her mind, she could hear that insane yell, that agonizing scream that had stolen what remained of his fragile sanity. He had watched the end of the world; he had watched the darkest parts of her horrible self. Day in and day out he had taken care of both of them in his own little way. There were always fresh clothes for her to wear, there was always a warm, home-cooked meal waiting for her at the table. A meal he had prepared with his innocent hands, a meal made with love and care.

-`_How can I be a mother to them when I can´t even take care of myself?_ ´-

She needed her kids. They had been the driving force, the hope she had clung on to in that sea of people. She was happy for a while in those fake realities, sleeping around with Kaji all day long, not a single worry in her mind. Yet there had always been something in the back of her mind, something calling for her, begging her to go back. Soon she found the faint realities as empty as sex with no love. There was nothing in that place for her, just emptiness, false happiness, the kind of false happiness she had lived out of for so long. Misato remembered Kaji´s proud smile when she had told him she needed to leave. She remembered his promise to her.

"_I´m proud of you, Katsuragi. Now go out there and go get them, please take good care of Asuka for me, tell her I´m very proud of her too."_

She cried so much, but it was worth it. Kaji had told he´d return when he found himself, he had promised he would come back to her, and help her take care of those two beautiful, beautiful kids. She loved them so much it hurt. But she had been away, too caught up in her work once again, too caught up to actually see the bruises on her boy, always too tired or too drunk to see the look in his eyes, that look that had no place in the face of a fourteen year old child. She was always too worn out to hear the cutting words Asuka hurled at him, while Shinji simply stood there and took the abuse. Misato truly didn´t mean to stay away, but things were so messed up all around the world that she just didn´t have the time for her kids.

-`_That´s right, they´re my kids. I´m so tired of this, it has to end. No more meetings, no more late night dinners alone on the table, no more Ritsuko and her stinking cigarettes, NO MORE ´- _

Misato breathed in and opened her eyes. She was still in that small bathroom, holding Asuka close. The girl had cried for over an hour, until exhaustion got the best of her, she was asleep now, snuggled happily on Misato´s chest.

_-`For once, she looks so peaceful.´- _ Misato ran a finger through the German´s ckeek, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen over her face and gently putting it behind her ear. This scared little girl was capable of such horrible things.

_-`But it´s because there was no one there to tell her right from wrong. She was torn apart. Her mind was opened for everyone to see. She had to watch as I made love to the only man she´s ever truly loved. She thinks it´s Shinji´s fault.´- _

Even when she knew the reasons behind Asuka´s actions, she could not forgive her. No, Asuka had gone too far. One thing was insulting Shinji. But to put him in a hospital, to break four of his ribs along with his arm, such things were unforgivable.

Asuka had almost cost the Mayor her surrogate son. The moment she had seen Shinji´s state she had wanted nothing more but to strangle the girl with her bare hands, but found herself unable to. Asuka´s eyes, they were so fearful, so full of regret. Misato knew, she just _knew _they were having sex, and her gut told her it wasn´t consensual. It made her feel sick to her stomach to even think Asuka would be capable of robbing Shinji of his innocence, but her gut told her that was exactly what had happened. What infuriated her most was that Shinji took it.

_-`He could have come to me, he could´ve talked to me, and maybe things wouldn´t have gotten so out of control. Why would he want to protect someone who brought him nothing but pain?´-_ She didn´t understand. No, that was wrong, she did understand why.

Shinji felt he deserved it, it was so like him to act that way. Every time something bad happened the boy immediately took the blame and apologized, even when he had nothing to do with it. Nobody blamed him for Third Impact, he had just been a tool in the plan of some demented old men who wanted a perfection that didn´t exist. In his circumstances there wasn´t much he could have done. Even if he had been the cause of Third Impact, and he was not, he had given every last human a second chance at life, even Kaji. But Shinji would never see those things. He´d watch the news and see all the homeless refugees and think it was his fault. He´d hear people talking about relatives or friends they had lost in the Sea of LCL and cringe. Shinji thought everything was his fault.

When Asuka abused him, he felt compelled to receive it by thinking he had hurt her and he deserved it. The poor boy thought he was helping her by letting himself be broken, but he was digging both his own grave and Asuka´s. A phrase she had heard somewhere came to mind.

_"Love and Hate are very akin emotions, it´s easy to confuse one for the other" _

It was so true. For so long she had told herself she hated Kaji, when in reality she adored the unshaven man to death.

Misato felt the girl stir in her sleep. A moment later Asuka blinked her eyes open and gazed at her guardian´s face.

Misato smiled at her, a warm, loving smile. A mother´s smile. Suddenly Asuka wanted to cry again. She had been vicious to this woman; she had accused her of preferring Shinji over her, of stealing the only man in her life, of being a drunk, irresponsible bitch. She had all but crushed her son´s lungs and yet, here she was, holding her and comforting her and smiling at her. Misato kept stroking her hair; it felt so good to be held like this. Once again, Asuka felt sick with herself.

"Misato…I´m really sorry", she whispered, tearful eyes staring at her guardian´s brown orbs

"I…I know what I did was horrible, I…I´ll understand if you wanna throw me out, I…-"

"I know" Misato´s voice was smooth; she was still stroking her hair

"I know honey, I know you didn´t mean to, but I also know you _wanted _to hurt him. You never thought things would escalate so far, but don´t lie to me by saying it wasn´t your intention to hurt Shinji." Her tone turned reprimanding.

Asuka adverted her eyes from Misato, but she didn´t try to get away.

"Asuka…I need you to tell me everything" She froze completely. Her heart felt constricted, she wanted to get away, if Misato knew of half the things she´d done, the woman would never forgive her. In a meek, almost non-existing voice, she answered.

"No…you´ll hate me" She felt so helpless. Where was the arrogant, proud young woman she had once been?

-`_You lost your pride a long time ago, what, you think you´d feel proud of torturing Shinji?_´-

Her own mind was already tormenting her.

"No, I won´t. Asuka…I know you´ve been, having sex with Shinji…" Again Asuka looked up at her, but this time Misato could see the fear as clear as day.

"H..How?"

"I´m not stupid you know, I was a kid too remember? Did you use protection?" For some reason alien to the redhead, Misato still hadn´t yelled at her, like she deserved.

"_Of course they used protection, I found the condoms in the dumpster, let´s just see if she´s really sorry" _

"Y…yeah" Asuka knew the question was coming, she could feel it.

"Was it consensual?"

"…"

"Asuka?" Misato frowned ever so slightly. She knew the answers to these questions; she just needed to hear it from Asuka´s mouth. Said girl was fidgeting in her embrace, looking anywhere but at her.

Again, a faint whisper. Misato could _feel_ the guilt in her tone

"No…" Asuka´s lower lip started quivering.

"I see" The tone was cold this time, as if she was talking to a soldier.

"I…I felt lonely, and he was there, and I just…I just wanted to…oh God, I´m such a monster…" The guilt coming back tenfold, Asuka started crying again. She wanted to get away, but Misato kept her where she was, she was still stroking her hair.

"Shh, Sshhhh… We´ll deal with it later okay? I need you to be strong for me right now Asuka, you´re not going to like what I´m about to tell you" Asuka looked up, her gaze fearful and her eyes leaking bitter tears. Here it was, her punishment. Maybe a restriction order, something along the lines of not getting near 50 feet of him. Maybe she was never to touch him again, and never talk to him, may-

"I´m going to ask you, Asuka, to let go"

At once, her wide eyes snapped to her guardian´s.

"Don´t look so surprised, everyone went through Instrumentality, I know what you saw, I know damn well" The girl tried to interrupt, but Misato pressed her forefinger on Asuka´s lips.

"Let me finish Asuka. I´m not gonna say that what Shinji did way right, far from it. It was a rotten thing to do to someone that means so much to him as you do" Asuka tried again to look at the ground, but she felt Misato´s hand on her face, softly lifting her chin and staring at her troubled blue eyes.

"I´m sure you know that what you did was worse. But it has to stop Asuka, you can´t keep treating him like that, you should never treat anyone like that. Don´t you understand that he hates himself?"

In possible, Asuka´s eyes widened more

"What if some day he just can´t take your insults and kills himself? Who´s going to cook for you then? Who´s going to draw you a warm bath? Who´s going to wash your clothes, or clean your shoes? Who the hell is going to be there, waiting for you to come around from this, this thing you´ve turned yourself into?" Misato kept stroking Asuka´s cheek, looking straight into her eyes.

"Nobody…" She still felt like crying, but there were no more tears to shed.

"That´s right. I hope that this helped you understand just how important he is to me, and to you…" Misato paused; this was going to be hard.

"I need you to let go of all that hate Asuka, what´s past is past, there´s nothing any of us can do to change it, the only thing we can do is move forward. If you keep doing this, you´re going to kill him, and then, when he´s gone you won´t stand the sight of yourself in the mirror and you´ll probably kill yourself too. Don´t look at me like that, you know it´s the truth."

The redhead looked angry now, very angry. Who the hell did Misato think she was? She was about to give the purple haired woman a piece of her mind when she beat her to it.

"I know I have no right to talk, I haven´t been there for either of you, but that´s going to change right now. I´m tired of all those stupid meetings, I´m so sick of those politicians. We´ll go home, okay?"

Asuka merely nodded, not truly understand what was happening. Why wasn´t she being punished?

"Don´t you think for one second you´re gonna go unpunished young lady." Trouble, the patented Katsuragi No-Bullshit tone.

"Shinji´s terrified of you, Asuka. Just saying your name around him makes him shake like a leaf, you´re going to have to work very hard to earn his trust back, do you understand?" Again, Asuka merely nodded.

"What you did, what you´ve done, it´s not something I can forgive, but it´s not my place to forgive you. I´m not the one laying on that bed. You went too far this time, his mind´s going to associate pain with you, so it´s going to take a long time. Do you want him to forgive you?"

Again, she nodded.

"No matter what?"

"Yes" The fire came back to her eyes, as she furiously stared at Misato.

"Good, now go home and tidy up the apartment and make me dinner." The older woman smiled and patted her surrogate daughter on the head. She gave the girl some space to make herself more presentable. Asuka had been wearing the same clothes for three days now, her hair was a mess, and she had bags under her eyes.

-`_God, I hope I´m making the right choice´- _

"Come on, let´s get the hell out of this damn bathroom" She motioned the girl to follow her with her hand, and together they exited the small bathroom.

* * *

Touji knew something was wrong. For five days he had been calling the Katsuragi household, and for five days there had been no answer. Twice already he and Kensuke had tried looking for him at his house, but they had knocked for centuries and nobody answered. Hikari was getting really worried about that Red Devil as well. He was tired of waiting around and doing nothing every day. School was not finished yet (thank God for small miracles), the construction was taking more time than expected.

-_`GOD this is SO boring. At least at school we could fool around and fall asleep on class. Sure cuddling with Hikari is cool an' all, but I need some fun!!!!!´-_

His mind set, reached his phone and dialed.

"Kensuke´s Love Suite, how can I help you?"

"Drop the act dork, no girl is gonna fall for that crap"

"Coming from someone as whipped as yourself, I don´t think I´m gonna change my strategy any time soon."

Both friends shared a good laugh before they got into business.

"So, what did you call for? Already gettin´ some from Hikari are you? Come on! I want details!!!!" Kensuke giggled girlishly on the other side of the line. If the glass-wearing Stooge had been standing there, he would have gotten a good smack on the head.

"Shut up, idiot!! It´s none of your business!!! Anyway, I was actually calling about Shinji."

"Shinji, what about him? Did he call you or something?"

"No...That´s the problem, I haven´t heard from him all week you know, maybe we should try going to his apartment again" Touji heard a loud groan on the other side.

"Uhhg, come ooon man, last time we stood there for hours and no one so much as opened the door. Did you call?"

"Yeah man, no answer like before. Look, I´m really worried about Shin-man, you´ve seen how he is lately right?"

"Mmhm, now that you mention it, he´s been pretty depressed ever since That, and he´s always bruised up" Kensuke heard Touji hiss at the mention on the bruises.

"I'm telling you man, that Devil is responsible, you seen the way she looks at him?"

"Yeah, I mean, it was bad enough before, but now she looks at him like he´s gum under her shoe."

"Yeah…"

Most would believe the young Suzuhara was your typical hormone-driven teenage boy, and most would be absolutely right. Aside from that, what most failed to notice was that Touji was highly observant. He had known of Shinji´s crush on Asuka since day one, but played along for formalities' sake. The few times they could hang out all together, Shinji barely said a word, and he always had some sort of injury on him. A limp, a black eye, a red mark on his face, a swollen cheek, a purple mark on his arm, it was always something. When asked, he always came up with the lousiest lies, like he had fallen on the floor, or hit his head on the bathroom or some crap like that. Asuka would throw these really nasty glances at him too.

"Hey, Touji, you there man? Hello?? Helloooooo…!"

"Huh…? Oh, yeah, sorry bout that. So, anyway, I´m going to check his place, you in?"

"I sure am, see you on his building in 20."

"Cool, see you there"

The moment he hung up, Touji sprinted towards his room, grabbed his favorite black jacket and was out the door.

"Ahh maaaan, it´s gonna take forever to get there with all this junk on the street" He absently kicked a rock on his path and jumped over some rubble.

_-`Damn it´s so cool to be able to run´- _

_

* * *

  
_

Shinji opened his eyes. That had to be the best night he had had in a while. No monsters to haunt him, no voice to torture him, no memories to torment him, just a vast nothingness, silence and peace. It felt so good to be rested. He attempted to lift himself up, but as soon as he moved his body sheer pain washed through his chest.

"Ugh…Not yet" He lay back down and turned his head to the left. There was Misato, her head resting on his mattress, her hand holding his. He had to smile at the small lake of drool developing on her side.

"This must be what it feels like…to have a mom" He smiled again, very happy but very tired all of the sudden, and went off to a blissful, untroubled sleep for the second time in eight months.

* * *

Step by step, she approached her home. Step, step, step, rubble, evade, step, step. Her mind was empty for once. She concentrated on walking, walking and dodging rocks. The apartment building was on sight, but she felt no thrill in going home. Getting home would mean being around the kitchen that reminded her there would be no Shinji in there, cooking her dinner while smiling ever so lightly. She would have to go to her room, which was kept tidy by him. She´d have to use the bathroom, which he cleaned and made sure it smelled like strawberries, her favorite fruit.

One would believe Shinji was viewed as a convenient maid, however, there always is a deeper meaning to those actions we consider normal or expected. Shinji knew almost everything about his roommates. He knew Asuka liked her shoes to be polished and shiny; she liked eggs and bacon for breakfast, with toast, strawberry jelly and orange juice or milk. Never coffee. He knew neither her nor Misato really kept a steady count of their own clothes, so he did it instead. She wasn´t even sure she wore half the crap she owned, but he organized it for her anyway.

"He´s going to have to stay in the hospital for a month…A month of no Shinji…" It brought bitter memories. It felt like the time he had been absorbed into Unit One. How many nights had she cried herself to sleep while he was gone? How many times had she deluded herself by thinking those were tears of joy?

Going home meant not having him there, and for Asuka, it would be the first time in over a year and a half that Shinji would not be there with her. No Shinji to ask her what she´d like to eat, whether she wanted a soda or milk, no Shinji to help her when she felt too lonely, no Shinji to use, especially now when she felt so –

"No, that´s over. I have no right, no right…" She kept looking at the floor, looking at her shoes. Five days, and they were still bright. Everything kept reminding her of Shinji.

_-`Damn it, stop thinking about him.´-_ Why couldn´t she just feel good like all those other times when she hit him?

_`Did it ever actually feel good?´ _No, it just made her feel less miserable with herself. The eight months had been difficult. When she came back from that sea, she was still the same old Asuka, same old angry Asuka. Instrumentality had taught her nothing. She knew why Shinji acted the way he did. She had always known.

_-`He didn´t move because he was paralyzed with guilt for what he did to me, just like I was this morning´ -_

_-`He did that because he was lonely, everyone left him, Rei died on him, Misato ignored him and I was useless´-_

Where was the Great Soryu Asuka Langley now? Where was her anger? For so long, anger had been such an active part of her life. It was her driving force, the angrier she got the stronger she was, but in that horrible moment where Shinji had lay there, unmoving, all of her anger had dissipated. Did his life really mean so much to her?

_-`You´re a big girl now, don´t lie to yourself´- _

Of course his life meant something to her, it meant everything. The time she had spent with him had been both the best and the worst time of her life. The teasing, the laughing, going to school with him every day, it brought a secret happiness to her heart, but her pride had never allowed her to understand those feelings.

Another rock, step, step, step, dodge, step.

Soon she was on the elevator, the numbers ticking away as she reached the 5th floor. The cling brought her to reality, and as the metal door opened she could faintly hear two very familiar and very unwelcomed voices.

"-man, are you there?!! Hey Shinji!! It´s us man, Touji and Ken!!! Open up!!!!"

Touji

Shit

Shit, shit, shit!

Those stupid Stooges, always showing up at the worst times. She didn´t think she had the strength or the patience to deal with those idiots, but they would not give up until they heard from their friend. She would be forced to tell them something, but what? If she told them the truth, Touji would react very violently, of that much she was certain, and while she knew how to fight, Touji was physically superior.

"Shit man, no one´s home again. Maybe we should try again lat-, hey Touji, isn´t that the Red Devil?" Kensuke gestured at the figure at the end of the hallway, standing there doing nothing. The red hair was unmistakable.

As Kensuke continued to gesture and yell at the Devil, Touji took a good look at her posture. Her shoulders were slumped; her head was down, as she was ignoring them completely. Only once before had he seen her like that, that time she had come to visit him at the hospital, allegedly dragged there by Hikari. It was the time Shinji had disappeared for a month. Something really bad had happened.

"Ken. Shut up man, I don´t think she´s paying attention" Touji smacked his friend upside the head and started walking towards his certain doom. He would have to be cautious if he wanted to remain healthy.

"Hey, what was that for?! Wait, don´t Touji!! Don´t go!!! She´ll rip your soul out!!!!"

_-`I just got my arm and leg back, I´ll have to be careful or she´ll rip them off again.´- _Gulping audibly, he tried to be as polite as possible. Asuka, for some reason, seemed to be watching everywhere but at him.

"Hey, Asuka. We were just wondering where Shinji was you know, we´ve been calling for five days and nobody answered the phone, Hikari´s been asking about you too, so…" He trailed off, praying to God, Buddha, Allah and every other holy being he could think of to please protect him.

Asuka didn´t really want to do this, but it would come at some point, so for once, she told the stupid jock the truth.

"Shinji´s at NERV medical ward, he, he´s hurt. You guys can go visit him, I guess. He´s in room 203" She was so tired, but it wasn´t even that late. The sun was still setting.

"What!? What happened to him? Is he gonna be okay?" Kensuke had this really nasty habit of japing like a lost puppy, it was irritating.

"He…It´s my fault. I… I went too far, he was holding me, and I just reacted…" She knew the insults were coming. Then probably Touji would explode and start banging her head against the wall.

Kensuke was about to throw his best arsenal of insults, which truly was pathetic, but Touji beat him to it.

"How bad?" He felt like hitting her. God he felt like hitting her so much.

"P..Pretty bad. He´s got four broken ribs, some lung damage, a broken arm, a shat-"

"I see." She had never, ever heard the jock´s voice so cold. For the first time in her life, she felt intimidated by him, even if she wouldn´t admit it to herself.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah…In about a month"

"I see."

_`Why is he acting like that? Is he trying to build some suspense or something? He wants a piece of this? Well bring it on, just don´t expect me to go easy on you, you stupid little perv-´_

"Ken, let´s go."

_-`What? -´_

"WHAT??!! Are you deaf or something?!! She just admitted she put Shinji in the hospital!!! What the hell do you mean by let´s go?? Aren´t you going to say anything to her??!!!!" The glasses-wearing, camera obsessed Stooge could not believe his ears. Their friend had just been put on a hospital by that, that _bitch, _and they were going to _leave_?!

Touji looked at her straight in the eye. His eyes were steel cold, his fist was shaking, but he could not bring himself to hit her.

"There are two reasons why I´m not killing you right now, Asuka." He forced himself to relax.

_-`Think of nice things, think of Hikari, think of Hikari…´-_

Asuka was standing there, eyes wide and mouth open. She was caught off guard. Violence she could deal with, but this calm, this cold shoulder, it was most unexpected.

"Hikari would be mad if I smashed that pretty face of yours." With that said, Touji grabbed Kensuke by the neck of his shirt and dragged him away, pushing him to the elevator. The jock never broke eye contact with her.

Before the steel door closed, he spoke to her again.

"The other reason, in case you´re wondering, is that if I so much as touched you, Shinji would beat the living crap out of me. And don´t worry, I won´t tell Hikari, I´ll leave that to you." The door closed.

She stood there, once again totally paralyzed, as her brain struggled to find a logical answer to what had just happened.

"Fuck it, I´ll make heads of all of this tomorrow, I just want to sleep." With that said, she went to the door and let herself in.

The apartment was empty, it felt empty. She found herself missing Pen-Pen. Even the stupid bird would make a big difference at the moment. A thin layer of dust covered the entire place. Her mind was set, first things first. She sought the cleaning utensils and started the tedious but fulfilling housework. After two hours the entire apartment (except Shinji´s room) was spotless, the food was made, and the table was set. After a relaxing bath, she headed to her room, it was still very early, it wasn´t even 8. O´clock, but she was very tired. As she reached the door to her room, something stirred inside her. It felt wrong, somehow. She couldn´t explain why, but she was drawn towards his room and before she could think of anything she was in front of his door, it felt right.

She had to fight the urge to puke yet again as she watched the dissembled state of the chamber. The bed was a mess, both of their clothes still thrown about all over the room. The window was broken. The bloodstains were the worst. They were all over the floor, some of them were small droplets, two stains were especially large, the one made when Shinji had puked all that blood, the second one was where he lay, completely still. That blood was probably from his head wound.

It stank of blood and sex, but she didn´t care, she would fix it for him tomorrow. Grabbing one of his school shirts and wrapped it against her tired frame, the familiar scent calming her agitated nerves. She was crying, but it felt good this time, purifying in a strange way. A moment later, Asuka lay on Shinji´s bed and cried herself to sleep……

TBC…

AN: Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed it. As I´ve said before, this chap was a bit lighter, but don´t get too used to it. There´s still a lot of darkness mmuaahahahahaha. Sorry bout that. Anyway, I´d like to once again say THANK YOU SO MUCH for the wonderful reviews. Honestly, I just get so inspired I can´t stop writing. I hope you don´t get angry at me when test season begins, cause the updating WILL slow down. College is a pain in the ass, but I´ll try and keep updating as soon as I can. I want to thank Dan, the beta reader, for his wonderful job in correcting my mistakes and I´d like to thank all of you for your support. PEACE

D.B

Inspirational Music: Otherside-Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sad But True-Metallica, Fall into Sleep-Mudvayne, In the Name Of God-Dream Theater


	4. Chapter 4

AN: So, first, my deepest apologies. I don´t really like taking all that long updating, but hey, I´m in college and all, so my time is pretty short. I´ll try to update at least once a week, but I´m only one man hehe. That being said, I thank you all for your patience and your wonderful reviews, remember to leave one on your way out!!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter 4. Thrid Act: I Dream Of...Darkness

Dreams

What is the nature of dreams? Are they simple distortions of a reality too difficult to face on a daily basis? Are they an escape? Do they represent that which we truly are? Are dreams perhaps the channel through which one´s subconscious whispers, allowing only bits and pieces to be remembered when waking up? Dreams, such endless worlds, infinite in variation, each molding to its maker´s true desires. Such were the wonders of individuality; each person is a universe of dreams and possibilities on his or her own, each one different, unique, but all ultimately the same. But did dreams not torture as well? Did they not rob the sacred rest both mind and body required? What were nightmares for that matter? Did they represent fears, doubts? Did they show one´s true nature as well? What was reality then? Was it more acceptable to lay in a world of endless but impossible dreams, where one was god but one was nothing at the same time? Was it perhaps a better path than to be consumed by a world of coldness and hatred, to be driven away to insanity by one´s own fears and anxieties?

Ikari Shinji dreamed, and opened his eyes.

The place he found himself in was new. Under normal circumstances, his dreamscape held the worst horrors imaginable to mankind, that was the legacy, the result of being God for one day. In the best scenarios, hi would swim in an open nothingness, with no thoughts, no feelings, just a never-ending sea of darkness and quiet. Then there were the horrifying memories, the palpating self-hatred and that thing. He wasn´t exactly sure what it was, but it was a nightmarish creature designed by the gods to punish him for his heresy. Many times Shinji had contemplated that possibility, maybe he was trapped in one of those worlds of Instrumentality, only this world was a hell were God, the real one, had cast him out to his eternal suffering.

Yet he could feel happiness in this hell, he could find joy and some sense of belonging. His left hand felt warm for some reason.

The place was vast, it extended as far as he could see. Nothing but thin grass surrounded him, the sun shone over the cloudless sky, an overall feeling of calmness radiated from everywhere. The light around the beautiful meadow was dim, as if it the time was a sunset or a sunrise, yet the sun was set high above the blue sky. The scenery felt so peaceful, so warm, he had never before dreamed of such tranquility.

"May I join you, Shinji?" Upon hearing that smoothening voice he had so long longed for, he abruptly turned around and found himself face to face with the First Child.

"R..Rei…" His eyes were wide and unbelieving. How was it possible? Could it be that this was nothing more than a meticously crafted grand scheme, designed to finally drive him to the brink of insanity? He expected no less, after all. He deserved to suffer, but that was beside the point at the moment. And if it was, indeed, a trap designed for his suffering, how come it revolved around Rei? The voice had tried to use her before, but nothing that monster did could ever convince Shinji that the calm, blue-haired girl would ever do something to hurt him, or anybody else for that matter. She was the gentlest of souls. He would not allow that voice to corrupt his opinion of her.

"I can assure you, Shinji, I am no hallucination, nor am I part of a plan to harm you." Her voice was like silk to his ears. The last time he had seen her, she had offered him his life back, he knew she cared for him, truly cared for him, and no one in this world or any other would ever change that. He had to smile at her, and before he could stop himself he threw his arms around her, holding her close. He could not stop the flow of relieved tears that overwhelmed him. Tears of happiness.

"Rei…Rei…Uhhg…" He cried on her shoulder, letting himself be lost in her scent, so content, for once after so long.

Rei slid her arms around him, drawing him closer to her. The warmth was wonderful.

"I have missed you too, Shinji." Said boy quivered in her embrace.

"Why are you not back?" It was with some difficulty that Rei was able to understand him, his voice was muffled and broken, while his body rocked with his sobs.

"You are in pain" It was a statement. She was the only one to know things just by looking at him, for that reason Shinji´s belief that this angel was his dear sister strengthened. He broke th embrace, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his school shirt, yet still holding her at arm´s length. He gazed into her crimson orbs, noticing the honest concern for his wellbeing.

"It´s been…hard Rei, I, I´m so useless, I really messed everything up…" Shinji dropped his gaze to the grass. He hated it, the things he had done, if he could just go back and do it all over ag-

"You did not `mess everything up´ Shinji. You allowed the Lilim to live, truly live. You have taught mankind a very valuable lesson…brother. The world SEELE created is empty, it is composed of false happiness, it is merely a pitiful attempt to try to fill the emptiness no many posses in their hearts. " She paused to place her hand on Shinji´s cheek and lifted his head, tearstained azure eyes staring into her.

"I´m scum Rei, I killed people, I..I killed people, I let Asuka…I let Asuka…." He adverted his eyes from her yet again, not noticing the slight frown that developed on Rei´s face at the mention of the redhead. He also failed to notice the sunlight dim around them. He did notice, however, a cold wind that caressed his skin. The sky above them darkened, dark cloud formed above, the promise of a storm whispering in the atmosphere.

"What is past, in the past will remain Shinji. Whether your actions eight months ago were correct or not is inconsequential in the reality you live in today. If you truly believe you have faulted, then the only action you can take is move forward."

"But I can´t!!!! Such a thing…such a thing can´t be forgiven!!! I can´t go around pretending I did something to help!!!"

"Then don´t" His face jerked to her, eyes wide in surprise.

"I´ve told you before, there is nothing you or any of us can do to change the past. The reality you face today is the one thing you _can _change. In order to do that, you will have to let go of your guilt, or you will never be happy"

Shinji pushed himself away from Rei, eyes wild. There was anger rising inside of him, but it was not directed at his "sister", but at himself.

"I CAN´T!!!!! I did all those things, I don´t deserve to be happy!!! All I´m ever good at is hurting people, and because of that they hurt me back!!!!!!! I can´t…let go, " he choked finally.

"Rei, why haven´t you returned?" he was afraid of the answer, but it had been eating at him for months. He saw Rei was caught of guard by the question, but he needed to know, he needed to make sure it wasn´t because of him, he couldn´t bear another mark on his already unbearable list of sins.

"I…I cannot, not yet." Sadness overtook her frame as she looked at the ground

"Why? Is it because of me?"

"No. I cannot return yet, there are some…manners I must understand about myself before I am ready to face life. It has nothing to do with you"

"Oh…But, Rei, I need you." His voice was pleading. Sometimes he just felt so alone, so abandoned, even when he knew he deserved, it still hurt like before.

"You are not alone, Shinji, there are many who care for you, you must hold on to them."

"Nut, but I don´t deserve it!!!!"

"That is not for you to decide." Shinji´s shoulders slumped, but he didn´t feel sad. She was right.

"**She´s wrong, Shinji-kun"** He froze in fright. It was that, that thing. It was coming. Suddenly he was aware of his surroundings again. The sky had turned pitch black, and thunder could be heard in the distance. The grass, only moments before so green and full of life was dead, completely dry and in a decaying process. He could smell its breath as it grew near, soon he could make out the slow steps on the dying meadow.

Rei frowned as the image of the monster manifested itself. It was more hideous than ever before. It limped slightly, a deep slash could be seen on its left leg, the white shirt was covered in dark blood. There was a hole on the thing´s chest, where the charred heart palpitated loudly. Its face was contorted, scarred and half-rotten, its red eyes glittering with hatred in the darkness. On its face was that smile made to represent a mockery of happiness, the demented smile that promised nothing but suffering.

"You…" If Shinji could move, he would have, but for some reason, whenever encountered with that thing, he seemed unable to stop it, it was so strong.

"**Yes, me. Why are so scared of yourself, Ikari? Can it be that you´re so pathetic you´re afraid of your own shadow? Hehehehehe…Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!!" **Blood splattered every time the monster spoke, it fell on a steady stream fro its mouth. The breath was the worst. It stank of death, or decomposition.

"Shinji, this being is a part of you, if you wish to move on, you must learn to overpower it." Rei could feel the beast, it was made out of pure self-hatred and despair.

Shinji still couldn´t move. Why the hell couldn´t he move? He had massacred God´s messengers, but found himself defenseless at the sight of a zombie of all things

"**Oh, Rei-chan, how kind of you to join us! I´m afraid Shinji´s indisposed at the moment though, him and me, we had a previews appointment so I´ll have to take him away now."**

"He will stay here." She was standing in front of him now, facing the demon head on. Had he become so utterly pathetic that Rei needed to protect him from himself?

"**Aahh, I see now. You think you can deceive this bastard into thinking he´s anything less that dirt? Good luck on that one angel girl, hehe. Look at him! He´s so saddening he has to depend on sister dearest to pull his shit together! He´s trash, Ayanami, worthless trash, and he is well aware of that fact" **

He felt so useless again, if only he could at least talk, or move, or something at all! This could not be happening! For once, for once he had found some peace of mind, and this fucking monster would not relent on its mission to torture him to insanity! What could he do against a being so full of darkness?

"Shinji is not worthless. If he was worthless he would no have risked the danger of being the last human on earth. If he was worthless, there would not be those who defend him, who care for him and love him." The half-breed angel could do very little in this realm of empirical existence, but she would be damned it she allowed Shinji to be swallowed by his own demons.

"**Hah, what a pathetic little act you´ve set up, Rei-chan. Don´t you see? I am HIM!! Without me, he doesn´t exist!! Such a worthless being he is…"** The monster cackled insanely, blood permanently leaking through its maw as it watched, bemused, as Shinji´s expression remained petrified in fear.

Rei turned abruptly and faced the real Shinji. She angrily gazed into his eyes, as if willing him to react.

"Shinji, do you feel that warmth in your left hand?" He did, actually, it had never left. It was comforting, if he focused in it.

"That is the warmth of someone who cares deeply for you, and is waiting for you. You are not worthless, that feeling proves me right. Major Katsuragi will do anything for you, so will your friends, so will I"

"**Bah, nonsense. You don´t understand the idiot at all. It´s all the same to him if that one, special little person hates him so much. He´s just selfish like that." **The distorted version of the Third Child gave a motion that resembled a shrug and lifted its head, as if to mock them both with the horrible truth. He tried to focus on the feeling on his hand, as an anchor to reality and a foundation of strength.

"You mean Pilot Soryu" Rei´s frown deepened dangerously.

"**Ooh, how delightful! Is that jealousy I hear in your voice, Rei-chan? Yes! Asuka indeed!! Don´t you see? She´s the only one that treats him the way he deserves! The only one that actually sees him for what he is!! He finds a sick little pleasure in being the object of her deepest disgust. Does that make you jealous Rei? You mean to tell me you want this scumbag for yourself? Haha, I´d say it´d be quite the incestuous relationship, if you were actually brother and sister!"**

"Mock me all you want, it make no difference to me. Once I am back in the world of flesh and blood I will deal with Pilot Soryu. It is beside the point"

"**Ooohh but it´s not! She´s my muse, did you know? You should see the way he shakes every time I mention her name. She´s an artist on her own terms, would you like to see?"**

Why couldn´t he do anything? Why the hell did he always sit around while others fought his battles?

"I am well aware of Soryu´s actions. As I said before, I will deal with it once I am back in this world. It makes no difference, what I feel for Shinji is the emotion many call love, I am well aware love manifests itself in various ways, perhaps what I feel for Shinji is that sibling connection."

"**Yeah, yeah, keep yapping, there´s nothing you can say or do that´ll make him change himself, you can be my guest and try all you want, in the end it´s all the s-"**

"Leave." It was a whisper, but it carried the strength of the strongest yell. Shinji lifted his head, clenching his fists and glaring at the monstrosity.

"Leave us alone, I´ll deal with you later." He could deal with the damn beast messing with his mind, but he would not allow it to insult Rei, or Asuka for that matter.

The beast cocked its head for a second, as if curious, then started laughing like everything was some kind of sick joke. As it cackled, thunder rumbled in the clouds. The temperature dropped again. Rei stood, unfazed, calmly dressed in her school uniform. Shinji tried his best not to shiver, but it was so cold…

"**He speaks! Hahahahaha… You know, I´ll hand it to you scum, you had a momentary sprout of backbone back there, I´ll give you a little price for that. I´ll leave you and Miss Little Angel to your little group therapy session for the time of being, but remember Shinji my boy, this drugs won´t keep me away forever. We still have a lot of fun to have together, I´ll be waiting…" **

The horrifying monster vanished from sight, and at once the scenery turned back to normal. These dreams felt too real to him, it was impossible that he could actually smell that thing, or hear it for that matter. Was he going insane?

"Well done, Shinji." He looked over at Rei, who a slight proud ghost of a smile on her lips.

"I didn´t do anything, it just left because it wanted to. The next time I go to sleep it´ll be waiting for me." He looked at the ground, it felt like standing up to that distorted self had taken all of his strength. The warmth on his hand was still there.

"That entity is the representation of all that you hate about yourself, is symbolizes your guilt. You will have to overcome it in time, Shinji-kun, or you will never be happy. Do you promise to try?" He had to smile at her. He could already feel himself slipping back to reality, the scenery was fading around him.

"I…I´ll try Rei. For you, and for myself." There was a hint of determination in his voice. She smiled at him, fully smiles and started walking away. Before she disappeared, she looked over her shoulder at him, still smiling.

"Well, that´s good for you."

Shinji opened his eyes.

He was still in that room, and Misato was still sprawled all over his mattress, holding his hand. A quick look at the watch revealed it was very late. 11.23 pm, she should have gone home by now. Besides, he remembered visiting hours were until five o´clock.

_-`That position can´t be comfortable. Maybe she can get a spare bed or something.-´_

Shinji nudged at his guardian with his left hand, after successfully retrieving it from her iron grip. She stirred and muttered incoherently before groggily lifting her head slightly to look at him.

"Hey." She regarded him with a tired smile, couldn't help but return the gesture.

"Hey."

"How are you feeling, Shin-chan?" She lifted herself up and stretched, then proceeded to ruffle and play with his hair.

"I´m a bit sore, my chest hurts a little and I keep getting all dizzy, but I guess it´s not that bad. What happened anyway?" He was genuinely curious. He could recall bits and pieces, feeling an excruciating pain on his shoulder, then something on his head. Strangely enough, he could remember the insults, but other than that it was a fogy recollection of pain.

Misato frowned at his question, and for a moment he thought it was actually his fault.

"You were found in your room by Section 2. You have four broken ribs, extensive lung damage, but that´s being taken care of. You also have a broken radius and a dislocated shoulder, the doctors say you´ll be able to leave the hospital in three weeks, but you won´t be allowed to too much physical activity, you need to let your ribs and your lungs rest." Shinji´s eyes were wide as saucers. By his recollection, he should be dead. He knew lung damage was very dangerous; those types of injuries were very easy to get infected.

"What do you mean it´s being taken care of?" He was genuinely curious.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, the doctors made some kind of serum from studying the e EVA´s tissue, they found a way to speed up the healing process, but it only works on organic tissue, so your bones are gonna have to grow on their own." She looked worriedly over at him. Shinji was looking at the ceiling, a depressed frown of his face. She would have expected him to be angry, or resigned, but that depression was not going to help him heal.

"Shinji, you´re not gonna be alone in here, I´m sure Touji and Kensuke can come to visit, your school´s not finished yet anyway, and I´ll come to see you every day, kay?" She brushed the hair on his forehead and placed her hand on his cheek. She seemed to relax for a moment before a frightened expression crossed over his face.

"Misato, do Touji or Kensuke know about…umm..."

"No, don´t worry, I´m not dumb you know, Touji tends to be a little…expressive… hehe." She patted him softly on the cheek before stretching fully and listing herself from the chair.

He smiled at her for a moment, but the troubled frown reappeared on his face. It seemed he wanted to ask her something, but couldn't muster up the words or the courage. His shoulders slumped, his gaze on a distant point in the ceiling.

"Is Asuka..angry?. She doesn´t like hospitals…" He sounded scared, hell, he looked scared, but even when he was terrified of the girl, he still worried about her. She could distinctly recognize the concern.

"She´s fine, I sent her home. She turned serous at the very mention of the redhead. Had he gotten her in trouble?

"Hey, Misato… It wasn´t her fault you know…I kinda did something stupid so she just reacted. Please don´t be mad at her…"

"We´ll talk about that later. Don´t worry Shinji-kun. You just make sure to heal fast for me so we can all get some ramen together, okay?"

"Okay, thanks Misato."

"Sure kiddo. Daaamn, I´m a bit sore, those chairs are not comfy, I´ll have to talk to Ritsu about it. Oh crap! It´s so late!! I overslept!! I´ll see you tomorrow Shinji-kun!!!" She kissed him on the forehead and ran out of the room before he had the time to even answer back.

"Um…bye.?" That woman never ceased to surprise him, only a minute before she had been in a heavy coma, and then, as if possessed by some incomprehensible force she had all but reactivated to full activity in a manner of seconds. She would never cease to surprise him.

-`_Heh, that's surely something to look forward to´-_

Damn, he was always getting so tired. He found the small tube near his mouth and drank some much needed water, satisfying his dry throat. The dream was still clear in his mind, it made feel lighter, to know Rei´s absence was not his fault that single fact eased a bit of the weight over his heart.

The sedatives were managed by a special program designed to monitor the patient´s heartbeat and brain patterns. The serum was truly efficient; it accelerated the growth of new tissue in the damaged areas, while it did not disrupt the natural reaction on the body. Also, in order for the serum to take full effect the patient had to remain in some type of healing trance, induced of course by the powerful anesthetics. Said anesthetics started taking a toll on the boy, as his eyes slid shut.

The sedatives could only do so much for a troubled mind, though.

An hour later, the nightmares started again.

* * *

By the time Misato managed to drag herself back home it was well past midnight. She noticed the apartment was clean, and as soon as the plate on the table entered her line of vision her mind turned to autopilot. Many would disagree with the gluttonous manner in which the mayor wolfed down her food, but she honestly could care less. It was a simple arrangement of chicken and rice, but for her empty stomach it was the equivalent of a five star meal. After emptying her plate, she took a beer from the fridge and gulped it away in one intake, the refreshing liquid working its magic instantly on her stressed muscles. She was about to head to bed when she noticed a figure sitting outside the balcony. Sighing deeply, she picked two extra beers and headed to the swinging door.

"Hey, it´s a bit late, how come you´re up?" She tried to be as neutral as possible. She was very angry at Asuka, but the girl was very fragile at the moment. If she pushed her farther who knew what would happen, she had already seen what depression could do to the girl. She sat on the chair next to her, taking in the view of New Tokyo 2.

Asuka was huddled on the chair, resting her head on her knees. It wasn´t too cold, but the white shirt he was wearing would definitely not do the job of keeping her warm.

"I had a nightmare." She was clutching Shinji´s SDAT in her hand, headphones firmly placed in her ears. She took them off and looked at the purple-haired woman.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No…it´s okay." Asuka sighed and redirected her vision to the city. "How is he?"

"As well as can be expected, I guess. They´re giving him a lot of anesthetic, so at least he´s not in too much pain." Asuka winced at the last word.

"Oh… Can I see him?" She attempted in vain to hold the desperate tone in her voice.

"I don´t think that would be a good idea right now, Asuka. He´s really scared of you."

Anger started welling up her, she needed to see him, to make things right!

"But… But I have to see him!! I can´t just let things like they are!!!! You can´t take him away!! I won´t let you!!" She was screaming now, outraged and unrested. In a second she untangled herself and faced her guardian with an ugly frown, she could feel the old anger pulsating like an open wound. Misato, however, sat unfazed at her outburst, sipping her beer absently. She silenced the redhead with a frozen glare.

"You better watch your mouth and your attitude around me from now on little lady, don´t push your luck or I will make sure you don´t ever see him again, am I clear?" The redhead maintained the "glaring contest" for a while, but finally swallowed her pride and lowered her head, nodding.

"Good. It´s not my choice Asuka, I´ll ask him tomorrow, okay? But for now I think the best for both of us would be to go to sleep." With that, Misato got up and headed for her room, followed by Asuka. Both were tired, sad and angry, yet neither had the strength to fight at the moment. Asuka made sure her guardian entered her dorm before heading to Shinji´s room.

The dream had been the same from the hospital, only much more gruesome. Shinji was bruised up and bleeding, naked. His chest was bloodied, shards of rib bone sticking out of his skin. His face was contorted in the same insane smile as before. Whenever she thought she could find some peace of mind one thought or the other would remind herself didn´t deserve any peace.

-`_Ugh, this is not helping, I have to stop beating myself up and DO something. I´ll wait a couple of days and then I´ll go see him, yeah. He´s gonna forgive me, he´s gonna forgive me and then things are going to be okay and we´ll walk to school together and I´ll tease him and he´ll smile again, yeah, he´ll forgive me, he´ll forgive me, he always does…yeah…´-_

She pushed his door open and lay on his bed again, it still stank, the bloodstains were still there, but it didn´t matter. This room had been her only place of solace for well over six months, and even when the presence that consoled her was absent, it made her feel just a bit safe, anchored. She placed the headphones back in her ears and clicked track 25.

Asuka could barely understand herself anymore. Why did she behave this way, so pathetically? She was strong, damnit!

_-`There you go again, I guess old habits DO die hard.´-_

The classical piece eased her mind a bit, but the guilt was choking. Every time she closed her eyes she remembered, her brain, had, after all, more than a year worth of bad memories to torment her with. She would remember how she mocked the boy, constantly accusing him of being a coward, bickering with him in school and making a fool out of him in front of everyone. Even when they barely knew each other she had taken every opportunity possible to ridicule him, never truly noticing just how damaging her actions were on him. No one beside Shinji or Hikari ever put up with her before, and when the feeling for him, so confusing and unwelcome had manifested, she had recurred to her old friend the anger to help her understand.

There were so many regrets, so many rotten actions on her part and so little she could do about it. Anger was no good; this was the first situation she would have to deal with without recurring to poison.

She fell asleep to the notes of Ode to Joy, a slight smile appearing on her face as she remembered the feeling of his arm against her waist, the warmth and comfort that shielded her from the darkest parts of herself.

* * *

"-SO, then we were going up this abandoned building right, and Ken was all like, dude, this could fall on us anyminute and I was like, who cares, it looks cool, right? So, we were going up the stairs and we heard like this loud rumble, and Kensuke just cried out like a girl man! His ass went running faster than a scared rabbit! I swear, he even threw himself like an idiot through the window when the door was open!"

"Hey, don´t make me sound so lame you jerk! I clearly remember you screaming we were gonna die like a girl on a horror movie so shut up!"

The three friends shared a good laugh, but a stab of pain on his left side reminded Shinji that he shouldn't force his chest to move too much.

"Yo, Shin-man, are you okay?" Touji was looking worriedly at him. The picture of Shinji on that bed was disturbing to say the least. He looked very weak, he had barely been able to sit straight to greet them, and all those bandages spooked the hell out of him. It brought back bad memories.

"Y…Yeah, don´t worry. It´s the ribs, I can´t even breath deeply without them hurting…" He ignored the pain and favored his friends with a smile. It felt good to be visited so often, but he didn´t really like to impose.

"So, how are things with Hikari, Touji?" The jock immediately blushed and looked away, fidgeting and smiling nervously.

"Ohh you know, it´s all good, hehe. She´s really nice…"

Kensuke made a gagging noise and was promptly punched on the arm.

"Hey why did you do that for?? It´s not my fault you´re so whipped!" Again, laugher erupted from the room. There was an overall air of lightness around them, there was no need to talk about serious matters. Touji and Kensuke smartly avoided any subjects that could upset their injured comrade, Misato had made it very clear that Shinji needed not only his rest but support and positive thinking if he wanted to recover quickly. They also knew Shinji could only stay awake for periods of some hours at the time. He could already eat and sit up, yet the simplest of activities took most of his energy.

-`_Miss Misato mentioned something about the pain killers..´- _

If it wasn´t for the pain killers Shinji would be in indescribable and unbearable pain. While the doctors had managed to suture the wounds on his lungs, the slightest wrong movements could have some serious repercussions. He´d have to stay like that for at least another week before he could stand up and walk around. Even then, he would have to remain bandaged at all times.

"Say Ken, it´s getting a bit late and the Shin-man needs his rest, I say we beat it." Always so direct, Touji started stretching and grinned at Shinji.

"Yeah I hear you man, let´s get going. Hey Shinji, make sure you heal soon so we can go to the arcades!! Schools out for another 3 months man!! That gives you plenty of time!!"

Shinji smiled at his friends' antics as they left. It was nice to be able to relax like this, even if he was already getting tired again. Maybe in a week he could at least go outside and take some air, being on that bed was so boring.

"Thanks for coming guys! You don´t have to come every day you know!"

"Ooh Traitor! You´re saying you don´t want us here?" Kensuke all but shouted from the door, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"N…No! I just don´t want to impose."

"Ahh it´s no problem Shin-man, there´s not really that much to do anyway, no sweat! Well, see ya!"

Waving one last goodbye, he lay back down carefully.

He always felt afraid when going to sleep, sometimes he´d have the greatly appreciated nothingness, but most times he had to go and face that monster time and time again. No matter how hard he tried, the result was always the same; he always lost, as the thing laughed at his pain. The last time he had woken in tears, still relieving some of Asuka´s worst assaults on him. He felt so defenseless, much more so whenever he thought about her. He honestly did not mean to get scared, but lately all his mind seem to relate her to was pain. So why couldn´t he be mad at her? She had put him here after all.

-`_I can´t be mad at her, she was just reacting normally. Who´s want to be touched by me anyway, who´d want to be near a monster like me?_ ´-

Over the last three days he had been constantly visited by both Misato and his friends. Misato had the tendency to say up to advanced hours in the evening, which was perfectly fine with him, but the more…violent outburst she tended to create when asked to leave were a bit tiring. Everyone had wisely evaded Asuka in the conversations, but frankly he was worried about her. He knew she didn´t really like to cook, and cleaning was always out of the question.

_-`The house is probably a warzone by now…´- _

Even when that thought relieved some of the stress in his troubled mind, he couldn´t help but worry about Asuka. She was a fragile girl, no matter how hard she tried to hide it, and she was most vulnerable when she was on her own. He wanted to be there for her, even when she scared him, even when his body reacted so pathetically to her presence.

_-`I promised her I´d be there for her, I won´t go back on my word. Even when…even when she hates me. I won´t leave her, not again.´- _

If only he could will his body to stop fidgeting whenever her name was brought up. It´d be something he would definitely have to work upon once he arrived home, he would never allow himself to run away from her again, it didn´t matter if all she wanted him for was to do chores and to be her breathing punching bag. He didn´t care.

_-`I´ll be there for you….Asuka´- _

_

* * *

  
_

The next time he woke up he felt very well rested; it seemed the drugs were actually good for something from time to time. He had gone through most of the night undisturbed, just that one three hour nightmare about Third Impact, same old, same old. Same old dead people all around him as he was dragged around NERV. Same old Misato taking a bullet for him and dying. Same old love of his life, lifting a bloodied arm to the skies, defying God himself and refusing to give up under any circumstances, only to have her arm speared in half and her body impaled.

Shinji wished he could say it was getting old, but each time he relived the horrifying sight of Asuka´s EVA he felt like puking from self-disgust. Sadly enough, there was very little in his stomach to actually throw out. He sighed and stared at the ceiling, lost in thought. The quiet hissing of the door brought him back to reality, yet the figure that came into his room drove his poor mind to overload.

She was just so beautiful. Those blue eyes were so expressive, so full of life. He took a secret happiness in seeing them, it was proof that she was alive, that she was there. It made little difference to him of those eyes were loaded with malice.

Again, he couldn´t stop the pathetic whimper that escaped his throat as she neared his bed, but he tried with all his strength to at least greet her properly, after all, he had been very rude to her the last time she had come to see him. Very soon now the insults would start hammering whatever foundation of self-worth he had developed in the last three days, but it was okay.

Asuka stood six or seven feet away from his bed, looking at the floor. She had a tray on her hands, and the delicious smell of chicken soup filled the room. The tray, however, had the wrong effect on the young boy, as he was at once reminded of the first night after coming back, of the burning sensation on his face as the boiling hot broth came in contact with his skin.

Asuka gulped and breathed in, she knew Shinji wasn´t ready to see her yet, but she needed to do something for him, something, anything to make him understand she wasn´t mad.

Neither spoke, one too afraid to so much as utter a greeting, the other one too ashamed to do anything but stare at the floor. After two minutes of absolute silence, Asuka took a deep breath and braced herself, turning her head to face Shinji. He had that same terrified expression, but at least he hadn´t asked her to leave yet. Walking another two steps towards his bed, she regarded him with a shy smile.

"Um…hi"

TBC…

AN: CLIFFF. Damn I´m so evil hahahahaha. Well, there you have it, chapter 4. I have to say, I love writing this story, so to anyone that thinks I´m just gonna leave it hanging, fear not! I´ll finish this even if takes me years, allthough I doubt it´ll take me years. Anyway, thanks again to all of you who deem my attemp at writing interesting enough, you´re my writing power!!! Reviews help, too!!!!!!!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Chapter five done. Sorry about the delay everyone, but I´m starting exam season, so updates are definetly going to take longer, I´m sorry but I´ve gotta study hehe. Don´t worry, though, I´ll always keep updating, but it´s gonna take longer. Thanks, enjoy!!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter 5. Fourth Act: Don´t Make Me Happy

Loneliness, despair, happiness, sadness, glee, lust, satisfaction, pride, greed, love, hatred.

Initially, those were the quintessential driving forces in the human species. So many other species handled themselves by a natural instinct genetically provided by Mother Nature, said instinct was the best behavior pattern designed after centuries of evolution, a system based on the environmental necessities and circumstances in which said species lived and died. Everything was designed to a beautiful perfection, disturbed only once every millennia. Humans were the upmost exception, most of their actions held no true logic purpose, nor did they aid in the survival of the species itself. Humans were the only ones to commit genocide against their own, along with other species. Humans were controlled by greed and lust, a hunger for power born out of their need to fill a void existing inside each of them.

Perhaps that void was the place mere instinct had abandoned as the evolutionary process continued. Perhaps it had been placed by the powers that controlled everything, placed to torment humanity for attempting perfection. Perhaps that void inside every soul was the greatest testament of the price mankind had paid for their success. Their evolution and advanced control over the environment that had been developed over a relatively short period in time placed them in a superior level over other living beings, yet this advance had come with the deadly price of alienation. An analysis to human history would only help clarify that the model tended to repeat itself, the more a civilization "advanced" or "progressed" , the more estranged humans became to one another. There was hardly any rational reasons for most of the decisions made by mankind, even though the vast majority of the species.

Third Impact had given humanity a glimpse of the fallacy that was a fake happiness, of how truly vain and hollow their attempts to fill that void had been. In reality, that emptiness could only be overcome by the bonds created between them. Some would even go as far as to say the power that be had placed that void themselves as some form of insurance policy that humans would remain together and ultimately understand the true meaning of such a curse. Why would all men and women be destined to feel incomplete? What kind of a loving God would create them just so they could suffer? Said God had not done so, for everything in life, at the end, had a reason. In the blind belief that perfection could be reached, humans had attempted the greatest sacrilege, they had tried to become gods themselves to finally feel complete, and in retrospect a depressed, sad, self-hating, insane child had understood that perfection as such did not exist, even if the answer so many sought had been left unanswered by the horrible process. The answer was simple on itself.

Bonds, true bonds between humans, bonds between man and animal, man and nature. The true purpose of the hollow depth within the human soul was to be completed by another. Such a simple answer to such a complicated question.

Asuka had been one of the few lucky ones to catch a glimpse of this truth, yet she made no effort to try to understand it until it was too late. She had been alone most of her life, having to rely on no-one but herself and building a foolproof wall around her heart so that she could never be hurt by the touch of another soul. How was it, then, that a little selfish wimp had managed not only to tolerate her attempts to push him away, but had reached whatever remained of her heart? How could she have allowed anyone, especially him, to reach out?

The boy had betrayed her in more than one occasion. He had let her suffer alone in darkness, he had watched as her mind slowly decayed, he had stood there and done nothing when she so desperately needed HIM to hold her, to comfort her. Why was he so important now? What difference did it make to her if he suddenly died by her hand? Had he not earned that fate? Had he not been the coward she had always accused him to be? Was he not the hollow shell of a human being she had always thought he was?

Perhaps it was Instrumentality, that moment when they all had been one and all walls or barriers had been crushed to the ground, perhaps when she saw his soul and felt his pain it was when she realized they were the same.

There was still so much hate, no matter what she did, she never had been able to fully let go of those memories. Even now when guilt clutched at her heart so forcefully she felt she would break the damn memories came back, trying so hard to justify her rotten actions. Asuka had never before felt so conflicted.

_Why weren´t you there? Why did you just sit there, while I was eaten alive? Did you at least do something afterwards? _

The thoughts never allowed her to rest. She wanted so desperately to just go down on her knees and beg his forgiveness, to hold him and kiss him and feel him there with her, feel the void full at last. Yet every time she braced herself enough to reach the apartment´s door something would stir wildly in her chest and the resolve would vanish. Sometimes she felt like hitting him, and that scared her the most. What if, being there with him in that damn room of that fucking hospital she lost control? Shinji had almost _died._ Considering his life as an EVA pilot, his life had almost constantly been in danger, but now she was the reason, she had managed to do what all the angels together could not. Not even in the most gruesome fights had Shinji suffered such extensive trauma.

The last tree days had been hell for her, she just stayed around in Shinji´s bedroom, lying on his bed and listening to his SDAT, trying to hold her image of him, trying so hard to forget all the pain he had caused her, trying to remember those easy days, when the angles were still coming, those days were they could pretend to be normal teenagers, those days when her feelings for him weren´t so confusing. Now she had made a giant mess of things, and nobody but herself could ever fix it.

Asuka could not muster up the courage to even call Hikari and talk to her, or answer any of the pigtailed girl´s phone calls for that matter, she wasn´t sure she'd handle her only friend to turn her back on her as well. Misato was around, but she could feel the woman´s anger whenever she has present. Sometimes she would feel so alone and helpless that anger would invade her mind and she´d hit anything on her vicinity. Other times she felt lack of breath and some deep sense of hysteria, akin to the horrible coldness that had frozen her chest when she had seen Shinji lift himself off the floor and puke blood repeatedly. She was unstable, angry and afraid almost at all times, it was torture.

After spending tree days attempting in vain to hide from reality, Asuka decided to at least make something for him, just like he always did for her. Whenever she was sick, or the cramps would turn painful at that time of the month, Shinji would always prepare some kind of food that would be exactly what she needed. In reality, there was nobody who knew her like he did. She wished she could say the same.

She had never asked Shinji if he knew about her mother, maybe he did and took pity on her, seeing that in the end she was nothing but a sad, sad little girl crying for mommy.

_No, he wouldn´t pity me, he knows I hate pity, in any case, it was like…empathy._

So, what to do for a person you´ve tortured for eight months? How to apologize, how to explain your actions? What could she tell him? What could she do for him? The answer had come in a culinary solution. If there was one thing Shinji loved, it was cooking for his small family; she had seen it many times, the way he so utterly enjoyed cooking for them both. Maybe if _she_ cooked for _him_, maybe he´d understand that she didn´t want to hurt him anymore, that she just wanted to talk. But did she just want to talk? Could she trust herself not to yell at him, not to fall into her old, rotten ways? The memories were always the problem; they kept her confused and helpless, angry and depressed, all at the same time. She would think of the disgusting thing he had done in the hospital and feel furious, insulted, used and betrayed, the old hatred breathing fire into her soul, but then whatever remained of her conscience would fight off the hatred with the horrible image of him crying, actually crying after she had taken his virginity, and hers along with it. Whenever she dreamed of his failure in her final battle, of the pitiful way he had acted when she had for once asked him to help and woke up screaming his name in rage, the insults would haunt her all day long, the memories of the past eight months were her subconscious´ favorite weapon against her. That morning had been particularly gruesome. Even though she had cleaned every last inch of Shinji´s room, it still smelled like blood to her. Whenever she closed her eyes she would see those eyes, dead, so completely dead as he lay unmoving on the floor, whenever she tried to listen to his music _that_ scream would reach her mind. That scream, it was heart-wrenching. The redhead didn´t exactly know how she could remember something that had happened after her death, but she remembered his scream vividly, if insanity had a sound that horrible scream would definitely fit into the category. It all became too much, and before she knew what she was doing she had headed to the kitchen.

The initiative to go see him had not been born out of determination or bravery to facing her actions, the apartment had simply become too much of a prison for her to bear, every inch of it triggered a memory and most of them were so terrible she thought she was living them again. So she decided to put her meager knowledge of cooking into use and prepared a chicken soup, then placed it on a plastic container and left for the hospital, barely remembering to shower and change beforehand.

All of her self-torture had led her to this moment, and she couldn´t, for the life of her, think of anything to say. Shinji was sitting up on his bed, he looked somewhat healthier than he had in months. His skin was still a shade too pale and he was still too skinny, but his eyes didn´t hold that dead look anymore, at least not at the moment. The boy´s head was bowed, he was unwilling to face her still, his eyes were wide and frightened, his gaze firmly set on his left hand, which was clutching the sheets somewhat urgently. His breathing was labored and the machines around him beeped and annoyed a bit faster. So Misato hadn´t been lying. He WAS terrified of her.

"Um…Hi" It was the stupidest thing someone of her intellect would have said in such a situation, but then again, she wasn´t thinking clearly at the moment.

Shinji almost winced at the sound of her voice, but the softness of her tone stopped him from doing so. Maybe she had been having nightmares; maybe she felt lonely and needed to…Oh God, if she asked, if she demanded it, then what would he do? He was in no condition to help her at the moment. What if she threw the soup on him? He could already feel the side of his face going numb and almost cold for a second, before the heat would consume his being and his skin began to literally melt-

_She talked to you, you idiot, answer her, don´t you dare be rude to _her.

"…Hi…" He whispered back, still not meeting her eyes.

Asuka gulped, looking at the tray in her hands. She was able to re-heat it the soup in the ward´s kitchen, it was steaming and served on a plate, a feeble attempt to make it presentable and inviting. Shinji, however, wasn´t even looking at it. Suddenly she wanted to scream at him again, she felt the anger rise up to her throat, yet she forced herself to relax, swallowing the vile feeling back as if it was some bitter medicine. Asuka quickly reminded herself that she did not deserve to be the object of his attention, at the moment she did not even deserve to be gum under his shoe.

"Um…sorry you had to be dragged here…Asuka, I know…you don´t like hospitals…I tried explaining to Misato, I hope she didn´t give you too much tr-"

"Stop." Finally, he raised his head to gaze at her, his eyes wide in surprise and fear, probably believing she was going to insult him or hit him.

_Not anymore. I have to make things right, I have to… _

"Shinji, listen. I…I know what I did, so, stop apologizing. You… you´re not guilty of anything, all right?" It sounded lame even to her. She tried with all her might to push her old tone into her tone, to sound a tad reprimanding even.

The boy flinched and averted his eyes from her, turning to look at his cast. His right arm itched sometimes, but it was impossible to try and scratch it, even the slightest movement would send him into a world of pain. The sling was heavy against his neck, which made breathing even harder. Was he supposed to say something? Apologizing had become such a normal response to anything that happened around him that he honestly did not know what to without the always reliable `sorry´.

Asuka forced herself to draw closer to him, walking slowly and carefully to stand next to his bed. She had to suppress yet another biting remark as she saw him flinch at her approach, God, it was like trying to feed a lost little puppy that had been kicked around too much to trust humans.

Shinji wanted to die again. The smell of soup was intoxicating, and his aching stomach was reminding him it had been empty for well over a week and it was very displeased with him for it. His feelings were so confusing he felt he´d faint again just from the swirl of emotions the young redhead provoked with here mere presence. He wanted to run away, to flee from the pain she was surely going to inflict on him, maybe she was pretending to be nice again, pretending to treat him nicely (when he didn´t deserve such luxuries) so that she could see his face fall into despair as she struck him or inflicted psychological pain with her cutting words. If such was the case, he wished she´d just do it already and be done with it. Was she just going to stand there by his bed, holding the tray in her hands? Was she not going to throw that soup over him? Could it be that she truly felt sorry for what she´d done?

_Why would she feel guilty? She´s the only one that treats me like I deserve, what happened wasn´t her fault… _

Asuka felt confused as well. She had run so many scenarios in her head, from the best possible endings to the worst, yet she found no words to address Shinji. She had gone way too far, just seeing him on that bed made that fact clear as day. Under that white hospital gown his chest was snuggly covered in bandages, under which long incision lines traced up and down the left side of his chest. They had had to open him up, fix the damage done to his lungs and then try to place his shattered ribs back in place. The concussion could have been worse, in fact, a couple of inches further and she would have hit his temple and kill him.

The silence had stretched out for ages now, anyone who passed and was able to catch a glimpse of the strange scene developing inside room 203 would have been drawn to its bizarreness. A redheaded girl, dressed in a bright sundress, standing rigid with a tray in her hands, while a boy sat on the hospital bed, still connected to so many machines, looking down at his left hand. The sepulchral silence broken only by the occasional beep was disturbing to say the least.

After too many minutes of silence, Asuka sighed again and sat on the chair to Shinji´s right, placing the trey on her lap. She wanted to look at him, but some parts of his face were still slightly bulged from when she´d hit him in the face, there were some small wounds just below his eyebrow, courtesy of the small shards of glass that had embedded themselves below his eye. A couple of inches further… and he would have lost his eye too.

"Look, I know you think I´m going to do something to you, but I'm not. I… I don´t know if things can ever go back to normal, or if I or you even want things to be like they were, but… but … I just had to do something. I´m not mad, Shinji." She gazed at him, offering the tray with trembling hands, attempting with all her might to look confident, to hide away all her insecurity, all her self-hatred and the guilt, the unbearable guilt.

"..."

Shinji´s eyes were wide beneath his bangs; he could not believe what he had just heard. Asuka…was not mad? For the past eight months, the only emotion she had ever displayed with him had been anger, even during their…night activities; she always looked so angry, so furious. He couldn´t look at her in the eye, every time he looked at her he saw Unit Two´s head being brought to him, the mighty behemoth´s eyes dangling out of their sockets. The last dream didn´t exactly help matters, however muffled by the sedatives it was.

_She did that, she did it for me, take it, move damnit, MOVE!!!_

Like a frightened little child, Shinji raised his head slightly and lifted his arm to take the offered food, but he didn´t think he could actually place it on his lap.

Asuka notices the problem right away and lifted herself to place the tray in the boy´s lap, ignoring yet again his frightened yelp as she neared him. Asuka wisely averted her eyes from his, she didn´t think she had the strength to watch that terrified expression. Upon finishing the task, she took the seat again and waited for him to try it, resisting the disturbing urge to bite her nails.

Shinji turned his gaze to the plate in front of him, facing the simple yet delicious smelling dish in front of him. Hesitantly at first, he took the spoon lying next to the warm plate and tasted the meal, instantly being taken to culinary heaven. Five days of anesthetic induced coma and three days of eating nothing but the tasteless slurp served by the hospital came down on him as he swallowed the first mouthful of soup. It was a bit hot, but it tasted so wonderful he couldn´t care less, even the slight pain in his left side every time he swallowed didn´t stop him from devouring the heavenly broth brought to him.

Had he been paying attention to the former Second Child he would have seen her body visibly…unclench as he all but slurped the soup whole. She had been worried he´d reject her food, but seeing him eating so vigorously eased her heart in ways she could not yet describe. It was the first time she had _ever _cooked a meal for someone other than herself; she had never even made one for Kaji. This was the right choice.

"So…did you like it?" She asked in all honesty, true curiosity blossoming in her voice. The boy nodded happily and smiled at her, his face for once devoid of the crushing fear and the haunted look that haunted her dreams.

"Yeah…it was very good, Asuka. Thank you…thank you very much, I haven´t had anything but hospital food for the last couple of days" His stomach satisfied, Shinji felt a lot better than when waking up, he just hoped, prayed even, that this wasn´t another dream that would turn into a horrifying nightmare. He prayed and begged deep within himself that the Asuka standing in front of him was real, that her kindness, however limited as it was, was not just another new and original way for that _thing_ to torture him with. He pleaded the redhead wouldn't snap at him for whatever reason, so he avoided any confrontation by once again averting his eyes from her and staring at the now empty plate laying on his lap.

Asuka´s good mood darkened instantly when Shinji turned his eyes away from her yet again, choosing to stare at his lap instead. Why could he not look at her? Was she such a horrible human being that being in her presence for too long would corrupt his soul? Was his soul not rotten already? Who the hell did he think he was, anyway? She had gotten through all that psychological shit, through all that suffering and heartache and nightmares, and he couldn´t even grant her the decency of looking at her ??

"Why won´t you look at me?" It came as a whisper, but it was laced with poisonous anger. She was reaching a breaking point, and if that spineless wimp didn't measure up the courage to at least lift his sorry eyes at her, then things would get ugly before thy got better.

"Why won´t you ever look at me in the eye, damnit!? Why do you _always_ have to be such a fucking wimp!?? Look at me!!!!!"

She stood fro her chair, and before she knew it she was hovering over him, hands balled into fists and eyes glimmering in dark anger. The moment the words left her mouth she gasped, her eyes widening in shock, her hands uncurling and dropping at her side. Shinji had tried to move away from her but had clearly upset his injuries. He winced audibly, his good hand clutching the left side of his chest lightly. He started coughing, his eyes almost bulging out in pain. Luckily, the sedatives started working their magic before he could upset his injuries further. A loud beep was heard as the machine in charge on the anesthetics delivered a generous dose of muscle relaxants to Shinji´s blood.

Shinji knew whatever he said, it was coming; he could already feel the slaps, hear the insults, feel the heartache. Maybe it was the drugs slowly working their way into his brain, but something inside of him wanted to tell her why, wanted her to know, why though? Had she not been the one to tell him never to look at her? The fear was eating him alive, yet some stupid part of his brain desperately wanted her to know. He didn't raise his head, but he spoke, surprising both her and himself.

"I don´t…feel like I deserve to. After everything that´s happened, I just…don´t feel worthy to even…look at you…",He trailed off, staring intently into her eyes. He knew she was going to hit him anyway, maybe finish the job and kill him already, but what difference did it make anyway?

To say Asuka was amazed would have been a humongous understatement, she was frozen in shock. So that was it, he honestly believed everything she had said to him. Oh

_Ohh God, Oh… I..I…I never knew…oh my God, the things I said to him…UUgh…Why…why didn´t you say anything? Why...why did you let me…do this to you? Why Shinji? You thought you deserved the things…the things I did to you? You idiot…!! You could have talked to me!!!! _

**He tried, you pushed him away, you cursed him away, you used him, and he broke. Look at him, he seems fine for a second and then everything crashed to the ground the moment you open your big, horrible mouth. **

She needed to leave, needed to think. The air in the room was hot, dense and unbearable. Shinji was still saying nothing, scared as a kitten in a fire. He thought she was going to hurt him, so he tried to escape the pain. Could she blame him?

"Oh…"

Shinji´s breathing started to deepen, his head dozing for a second before he managed to clear it. The sedatives again, drawing him to the depths of his subconscious, but he didn´t want to sleep, he just knew the monster would use Asuka again, and those were the worst occasions. The memories, the memories were like acid to his heart. The looks she would give him, so full of disgust, so radiant with hatred. He didn´t want to go back to sleep.

Asuka stood there, her arms useless beside her as she watched the boy squirm about. She wasn´t looking at him, more like focusing on a vacant point above his head, trying her hardest to forget she had come close, way too close to hitting him. For fuck´s sake, a couple of seconds further and she would have probably done something she´d regret greatly. If Misato even heard she had been here, much less that she had screamed and insulted him again… It was like a trigger reaction, when the right buttons were pushed she would lash out at him.

She needed to leave, if not she could hurt him, and she didn´t want to anymore, she couldn't bear seeing him in pain. So she did what he would have done, at least she thought it was what he would have done. She chose to run away.

"Uhm…I´m…glad that you liked the soup, sorry about…yelling at you and…stuff." Before Shinji could react, she gently took the tray from his lap and headed for the door. She just needed to get away, to think, to puke, to do something to fight off the brand new wave of self-disgust that was already eating her alive. Before she reached the door, she heard him whisper again, except his voice was level, not exactly frightened, but tired and cautious, yet filled with gratitude.

"Thank you, Asuka"

She froze at his words, then regained whatever senses she had and nodded dumbly, her back turned to him, it was better that way. If Shinji saw the depressingly sad expression on her face he´d probably laugh. She exited his room the moment the metal door slid open.

* * *

It wasn´t long before Shinji lost consciousness, his mind drifted back to his personal hell, to his memories and his rotten subconscious. There would be no rest for him that day, no solace. He could already feel the thing coming close, he could hear it breath, he could smell the rotting flesh and hear the thumps of its heart, beating in perfect synchronization with his. It wasn´t long before he was standing in the apartment´s kitchen. For once he thought this would be another nice dream, but his door opened and there it came, staining the yellowish carpet as blood leaked out the beast´s numerous injuries. It was always something different, but Shinji didn´t pay it any mind, in fact, his mind was once again frozen in absolute fear.

**Hmm… How shall we start today´s session, Shinji-kun? Ooh yes, I have an idea. She came to see you today, hm? Made you soup, did she? Don´t get it wrong, you worm. She just felt bad for your pathetic state and decided to indulge you with her presence, not like you deserve it, anyways, or do you?**

Funny how he could only answer the monster when it _asked_ him, demanded him to.

"I don´t. She…she shouldn't have bothered, she should have just hit me and get it over with…"

"**Hehehehehe… Don´t you just love it when your little lap dog is well trained? Good answer, you bastard, it´s good to know you understand your place, now for today´s activities…"**

He dreaded what it had in store for him. For eight months it had been nothing but a voice, yet it still tortured him with as much intensity as it did now that it had shown itself. He just prayed with all his might that it wouldn´t use the memories, those horrible memories that solidified and burned into him the one truth that had ruled his life ever since coming back from the sea of LCL. Asuka hated him, she hated him very much. She couldn´t stand the sight of him, and he deserved every last bit of it. He honestly wasn´t trying to earn her forgiveness by staying with her and taking the abuse, he simply could and would not run away from her again. Never again.

"**Hey you brat!!! Don´t you dare avoid me, boy! Thinking about her again, are you, Shinji-kun? Maybe there´s some hope in you? How about we go back to say… three months ago, that delicious little time when she beat you up in the kitchen? Hmm? How about it, Shinji-kuuun…" **

No, not those memories, not the abuses. He had secretly hoped, deep down, that Asuka maybe was a bit sorry for what she´d done, and maybe…just maybe they could start over, maybe they could walk to school together again, maybe she´d tease him and mock him good-heartedly, and they could talk, and-

"**Well well, looks like I was right after all, that little get together with sister dearest did some number in you Shinji-kun, hhaahaha…** **You actually believe she gives a crap? Well then, let´s just go back three months to make sure, shall we?" **

Shinji wanted to launch himself at the monster, but as always his body refused to cooperate with his broken mind. He stood there, forced to relieve every insult she had unleashed upon him that day, that day not too long ago, when he had told her they were the same. Everything but that day…

He tried yet again to scream as the scenery of the kitchen shifted as if were a kaleidoscope, dissolving and refocusing into the same small kitchen, only this time he saw himself preparing dinner, a small smile on his face as he stirred the noodles for his pasta and cut the vegetables for the linguini sauce.

He had almost forgotten the thing was standing there, looking just as horrifying as before, dark, clotted blood always dripping and staining wherever it stood, the smell of a million rotten corpses never leaving his nostrils. Of all the memories, of all the terrible situations he had lived through, it had chosen this memory.

"**Now then, let the show begin…"**

The beast turned its head to him, it´s red eyes glimmering in anticipation and hatred. The predatory smile returned, it´s deformed face twisting in a snarl of satisfaction as Asuka´s room shot open and the enraged girl all but marched to where "Shinji" was cooking. Again, he attempted to scream, but his body betrayed him. He stood there, forced to watch as his fingers were broken and his heart was stepped on…

* * *

She kept her composure long enough to bring the trey to the kitchen and head to the elevator, but the moment the metal door shut it all came crashing down. Asuka slid down against the wall of the elevator, bringing her knees to her chest and clutching herself as tight as possible. She could faintly taste the blood coming from her lower lip; she was biting it as hard as she could to keep herself from breaking down right there.

Shinji, Shinji truly believed every insult she had hollered at him. He whole-heartedly believed he deserved to be psychologically tortured every day, he believed, with every fiber of his being that he was a worthless monster, a rapist, a murderer. Those had been her favorite phrases when dealing with him.

Why hadn´t he just yelled back at her? Was it so hard to hate her? She was a horrible person, she knew that.

She just couldn´t control herself most of the time, he would be cleaning, or cooking, or maybe watching TV with that pathetically depressed expression and something would burn from the very depths of her soul. Some of the times she had truly wanted to stop, like that time when she had broken his hand, she had never wanted things to escalate so far, but every time she looked ay him she remembered. She actually saw him sitting, his knees drawn to his chest, being pathetic as she was killed. She saw him lying on his bed on the days following her mind rape; saw him doing nothing as her mind decayed. He hadn´t even tried to look for her when she ran away. The memories were always so real…

Instrumentality had some bizarre after-effects on everyone; some of the less mentally balanced "returnees" would suffer from almost vivid flashbacks of their lives before, during and after Third Impact. Some had actually lost the ability to separate reality from memory and had lost themselves in their minds. Someone with a trauma history like her or Shinji were obviously more likely to suffer from such "after effect".

Funny how she thought about all those things, pondered about the true reasons behind Shinji´s actions, actually tried to, yet found herself unable to relate to his pain. He had been right, they were the same, the only difference was that he had gone through much worse. For eight months now, eight _fucking_ months, the girl had known nothing but anger, disgust, displeasure. She had learned nothing from Instrumentality; she had come back because of her hatred, not of her hope. She had rejected Shinji when he had tried to reach out to her…

_"If I have to be with you, I´d rather die!!!!"_

_"_Nobody _cares about me anyway, so everyone just go…and die…"_

Ding. The elevator.

Shit, again, the same thing, getting caught up in her own mind was so frustrating, she was acting like a lunatic, for fuck´s sake!

Asuka uncurled from her position on the elevator´s floor and made herself as presentable as possible. She felt some wetness on her cheek and realized she had been crying again.

"Shit, get it together, Asuka…I have to be strong now…I have to fight." She shook her head a bit to clear it, and walked out of the elevator and into the seemly endless hallways of the Geofront.

_Feh, of all the things the big dogs could´ve done with SEELE´s money, they build this hellhole back first, never mind the hundreds of thousands still living in those ugly UN shacks, nooo, just go and build this place back exactly how it was, even if there are no EVA´s or angels anymore. Ughh… _

She left the humongous compound with a sigh of mild satisfaction. Coming here was always torturous, both the Geofront itself and the hospital ward on its lower sections held horrible reminiscences she would be happy to never think about again. She was very tired of thinking so much, tired of eating breakfast and dinner with Misato and pretending there was nothing wrong, when the purple haired woman obviously wanted to "Talk" to her. The strained tension in the household was tangible, it choked away any joy. She was tired, so tired, so she went into autopilot to tried and focus on nothing.

The redhead walked home that day, keeping her mind as blank as possible and trying her hardest to relax. It was a hot day today, so she was glad of her clothing decision, the sundress was always a great choice for any occasion. Nice breeze, but the sun was a bit too violent, maybe she´d have to put some olive oil on her shoulders when she got home. She was a bit hungry, she could go and buy something at the ramen shop or get an ice cream on such a hot day. So much rubble everywhere still, sometimes she had to jump some pretty big rocks, so empty too.

She wanted to talk to Hikari, maybe she´d call her only female friend one of these days. Emphasizing on the calling part, she wasn´t strong enough to resist Hikari´s word face to face, she just wasn´t strong enough. A building torn in half, shit, eight months and there was still so much rubble. There were so few lights in the night, in comparison to the old days. The moon was stained with blood, some masterpiece Wondergirl had done, she never knew the albino to be a painter…

When her mind came back to the real world, she was standing in front of the apartment´s door, staring at the card lock with an empty gaze. Home wasn´t home without Shinji, that place was nothing but a cave for two lonely, unstable women to brood around without their house-broken, unstable male companion. The former Third Child was the glue holding the three of them together, and she had been too stupid to realize it.

Sighing, she retrieved the key card from her small purse and opened the door, letting herself in.

"I´m…home! Hey, Misato, are you th-", The words caught in her throat as she saw the brunette sitting on the table with Misato. Hikari was in the apartment, and she didn´t look very happy. Oh God. Oh God… The freckled face of her friend turned to her, an ugly frown dominating her features.

"Asuka, we need to talk."

**TBC...**

There it is!! Wheeew, it took a while, I actually finished this sucker on Sunday, but I spent all of this time patching it up and such. I hope you all liked it, it sure was a pain to write under so much college related stress, but hey, as I´ve said before, I love writing this story so don´t worry about a thing. The next chapter might take a while, as I said before, but if takes longer than expected I´ll make it longer to compensate the wait. Anyway, saty tuned for Hikari and Asuka´s talk, it´ll be very tasty. Again, I apologize for the delay, remember, reviews are my driving force, so, read AND review!! Your honest thoughts, good, bad, worse, cool, whatever, constructive criticism is the best besides positive feedback. Well, I´m rambling yet again, so thanks you all for reading and supporting my story!!! PEACE

D.B


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Okay, firstly, let me apologize for letting so much time pass for this update, but as you know I´m in college and things are kinda messy right now, so sorry. Anyway, the next update will definetly take less time, so no worries there. As promised, this chapter is longer. R&R.

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter Six. Fifth Act: Substractions 

Fear, what a simple emotion.

Perhaps, the one feeling all living beings come to experience at some point of their lives. Basic drives were activated once fear clouded the mind, some senses heightened as adrenaline cursed through the bloodstream, much of which would direct itself to the legs so that in escaping one could reach the optimal speeds. Terror, however, was a bit different. It was an emotion so strong, so bashfully overwhelming that both body and mind would freeze in a moment of absolute helplessness.

Terror was a familiar feeling in human beings. At some point in every man or woman´s life there would be at least one single moment of raw, mind-numbing, heart-clenching terror that would forever change the course of their lives. The more such a situation occurred, the faster it was for the body to recover from its initial shock and take action upon said situation. It would be expected, then, that a person such as the former Second Child, pilot of one of the most destructive war machines ever created, first survivor of a human-orchestrated Armageddon would be even remotely frightened at the sight of a single human being, she had, after all, fought God´s messengers and killed many of them.

So, why was she terrified then?

What could this young, pig-tailed, freckled young lady do to her that hadn't already been done, what possible horrors could a single girl unleash on her already raped, corrupted and scarred little soul? Why would she, the Great Sohryu Asuka Langley be afraid of her best friend of all things?

"Asuka, are you feeling alright?" The purple-haired woman stood from the small table and walked over to her, placing a hand on the redhead´s shoulder. As soon as her hand made contact with Asuka´s skin, however, the girl was brought back from her fear-induced paralysis and quickly slapped her hand away.

"I´m fine," she said, looking angrily at Misato´s face. "Did you bring her here?," She spoke in a whisper then, gesturing to Hikari with her eyes. There was obvious anger in those blue orbs, but there was also a deep fright, and Misato could swear the girl was shaking.

Hikari calmly rose from the table, turning to face Asuka completely. Her posture was hardened, eyes glaring straight into the former pilot, who seemed to shrink under its force.

"Miss Misato did no such thing, I came here to see you, but you were out, so she invited me for a cup of tea," She moved to stand in front of the redheaded girl face to face, leaving a few save four or five feet from her just in case the situation turned violent.

The rage drained from Asuka´s face, replaced by surprise and shock. So Misato hadn't gone behind her back and brought the last person she wanted to see straight to her. At least that gave her some peace of mind. Hikari´s stare, though, was a bit harder to overcome.

"Oh… So, uh, what brings you here, Hikari?" She tried to sound as normal and cheerful as she could, her hostile profile dropping almost instantly. The pig-tailed girl smiled a bit tightly and regarded Asuka with an almost innocent stare.

"Well, you don´t call, you don´t answer my phone calls or my e-mails, you go off disappearing for a week along with everyone here, so I´m bound to worry a bit, don´t you think?"

The sarcasm in the statement was obvious to both the Mayor and her surrogate daughter, it felt oddly out of place coming from Hikari. Actually, everything about the brunette felt out of place; the way she stood with her arms crossed firmly in front of her chest, the way the smile turned from slightly to full on sarcastic as she finished speaking, the disturbingly familiar manner in which she held herself…

Misato recognized the conduct instantly; it was like seeing Asuka when she wanted to play a nasty prank on Shinji. She wisely stepped away from the girl´s "confrontation zone", she´d get involved if things got too messy, but not a second before.

"I mean, never mind the fact that we´ve only seen each other a handful of times after the world ENDED, I was just wandering what the hell you´ve been up to, where the hell you´ve been, or why the hell I had find out today, after a week, that you took the liberty of putting my boyfriend´s best friend in the _fucking _hospital!!!!"

Cursing definitely did not befit the class representative; neither did the hissing snarl that displayed on her pretty, freckled face. The aggressive posture was familiar, but it used to be held by a deep annoyance rather than actual anger.

Asuka´s mood skyrocketed, her nostrils flared and her hands balled into powerful fists, yet she did not shout back. She swallowed her anger once again, fully knowing she would need it for her confrontation with Hikari later on.

"Let´s just go to my room," She stated flatly. Hikari huffed nastily and started walking towards the redhead´s chamber, pausing to address a last glare before sliding the door open and letting herself in.

Asuka sighed, and Misato found the noise troubling. She had expected the fiery girl to be truthful to her nature and launch herself at her friend, hell, she had been fully prepared to break a catfight, should one develop. Yet Asuka was looking at the floor, shaking and balling her fists as strong as she could, as if holding up a sob. Misato sighed as well and placed a hand on Asuka´s shoulder, feeling her tense even more under her touch.

"Look, I know you think you´re not ready to see her, but it was bound to happen at some point. Listen to me, hey, Asuka, look at me," The young girl was trying to avert her eyes from her guardian, trying desperately to hide her weakness. She wanted to hit Misato, Hikari, shit, she felt like hitting herself, but every time she was about to lose it Shinji´s face came to her. The entire left side of his face reddened and blistered, his right eye almost swollen shut and his healthy eye torn with such sadness, pain and… resignation. Somehow, it managed to help her keep the anger in check; violence had become such a normal reaction…

Misato grew tired of her game and kneeled in front of her, grabbing her face in strong hands and forcing the younger woman to face her eye to eye.

"It´s okay honey, if things get too difficult just call me and I´ll escort Hikari out, okay?" She stroked Asuka´s cheek tenderly, idly wondering how this meek little child could have once been the proud pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, the devilish girl that took shit from no-one and backed down to nothing.

"Now just go over there and explain to your friend what happened, she deserves to know. It´s going to hurt, I´m not gonna lie to you, but I promise that once it´s over I´ll be here for you, is that all right?" The girl nodded, taking advantage of the moment and prying her eyes off Misato´s motherly stare.

"I don´t need your help." The statement was familiar, but the old poison was simply lacking. She pouted childishly and headed to her room, bracing herself for another emotional rollercoaster. How long, she wondered, would it take until she finally broke?

Misato stood slowly, watching as her charge crossed the living room and faced her door with uncertainty. Bah, it was her own damn room, and she was afraid of a freckled little girl who would blush at the very mention of cuddling, how pathetic had she become?

"Of course you don´t, but I´m here Asuka, and that´s not going to change." She titled her head to the floor, feeling a bit stronger now that she knew Misato would help her overcome whatever happened. She nodded slightly, her face twisting into a frown of pure determination. She was done running away.

"Thank you." It was a whisper, but it was loud enough for Misato to hear, so she smiled and nodded as well, heading to the fridge for a fresh, cold, sweet and reassuringly familiar beer.

Asuka entered her room and found Hikari sitting on her bed. She warily noticed the fine layer of dust covering most of her belongings. For once her room seemed tidy and organized, not like the absolute wreck it had been before and after Third Impact.

Her fits of rage would not only extend to Shinji, she would ram her fists in her closet door until it crooked and broke, she had thrown her mirror to the wall several times, she had ripped her magazines, college books, pictures, anything she could find she would pounce on it. After coming back from that traumatizing event and consuming herself in anger and revenge, she´d break things just to make Shinji clean up, she´d rip her own clothes and demand him to mend them, even when she knew he sucked at it and he´d likely hurt himself, she´d throw plates (with the food on it) straight to the wall, knowing full well he´d had to hurry and clean it before Misato came home, while trying to figure out an excuse to justify the missing plate. The list went on an on, every action worse than the former, all of them pushing together in her mind, attempting to suffocate her at any given moment.

"Are you going to stand there and look like an idiot all day, or do you plan on talking at some point?"

Asuka scowled deeply at the sarcasm in Hikari´s tone, she had to suppress yet another angry snarl that threatened to escape from her throat, choosing instead to grip the doorknob as hard as she could before sliding the door shut. She all but marched to stand in front of her friend and slapped her in the face before the brown-haired teen could do anything to defend herself.

"Listen to me, and listen well, because I'm only gonna say this once," she growled menacingly, glaring daggers at her friend´s shocked face.

"Don´t think for a second you have the right to judge me or my actions, you have absolutely no idea of what I´ve been through, so unless you somehow were torn apart by white demons while you were still breathing too, shut up. Regarding Shinji, I´ll tell you right now Hikari, as bad as you feel, as bad as that asshole Touji thinks he feels, as bad as Misato feels, no-one, NO One feels worst about this than me, so save me the bitchy attitude, do you understand?"

Hikari nodded dumbly before hot, boiling rage re-ignited itself in her eyes. She stood from the redhead's bed and proceeded to deliver a slap herself. Oddly enough, Asuka did not raise to block. She did not even try to move her head from it´s position after she was slapped. Hikari idly noticed the fire had gone from Asuka´s eyes, they were hollow now, cold and detached, as if she was lost somewhere inside her mind.

The brunette scoffed angrily and stabbed an accusing finger in Asuka´s chest. Unable to control her resentment and disgust, she lashed out, saying things she would regret for years to come.

"You… you filthy little bitch!! How dare you?!! I bet all those bruises we saw on him where your handiwork too, weren´t they?! Weren´t they??!!" In her rage, she grabbed Asuka by her sundress and screamed at her face. Asuka averted her eyes from her friend´s furious gaze, looking at the ground. She nodded nonetheless.

-Slap-

"You Bitch!!! All he ever wanted was to make you happy!!! How can you possibly be so cruel??! You made him miserable for months, you were never even civil to him!!!! What the hell did he ever do to you??!!! You´re a monster, nothing but a fucking ugly monster who hurts everyone that cares!!! I HATE You!!!!!!"

Unable to keep her anger anymore, her grip on the Second Child´s sundress slacked and she crumbled, bitter tears running down her cheeks. Her knees buckled from underneath her and she fell to the carpeted floor, sobbing uncontrollably. What Misato had told her was just too much. Four broken ribs, broken arm, dislocated shoulder, concussion, severe lung damage, left eye socket damaged, heart complications, clinically dead for two minutes.

The words kept repeating themselves in her head, burning away her impression of Asuka forever. How could she have done something like this? For so long she had thought she understood Asuka. For eight months she had ignored every logic she knew, every perception she possessed and everything she observed in sake of lying to herself. She´s confused, she had told herself, she´s in pain, she doesn´t mean it. But now she realized the truth about all those times when Asuka had spoken about Shinji. There was no goodwill in the redhead anymore, no humanity. Whatever Asuka had gone through, it had stripped away the friend she knew and loved and left a horrible shell in her place.

"You´re right"

Hikari´s eyes immediately snapped back to Asuka´s. She was standing over her, her proud posture somehow absent, her azure orbs glistering with unshed tears.

"You´re right, I´m a monster. You know, I would always tell him he was one too, but, but the truth is he was just lonely. What he did to me… you can´t understand. How could possibly understand? Do you know what it´s like to find the very thing you sought for so long just to have it taken away? Do you know what ´s it like to have your trust, your integrity, your very body violated? Of course you don´t. He did awful things Hikari, awful things. He fucked himself while I was in a coma, he let me die in a way that would make you sick, but you know what´s worse?"

She took a shuddering breath, biting her lip again to restrain herself from crying. If anyone had the right to know the truth, it was Hikari.

"I left him, Hikari; I left him to fend for himself. He begged me, he begged me to help him, he told me… that he wanted to be with me forever, he said he needed help and he did, he honestly did. He could have looked for anyone you know, at that point, he could have asked anyone for help, but he asked me, me of all the people in the world, of all the people he knew."

Asuka sniffed, chocking back another sob as the memories of Instrumentality assaulted her. The kitchen, loud voices, biting remarks, hate, so much hate, strong yet soft hands around her throat, squeezing, chocking, killing. Betrayal, you betrayed my feelings, you betrayed me…

"_Nobody cares about me anyway… So everyone just go… and die."_

"I pushed him away, and he lost it. I, I never knew I meant so much to him, I barely even realized it how much I hurt him, how right it was for him to hate me." The old walls were crumbling, decayed, worn and weakened; they could not hold the restrained emotions any longer. One after the other, the tears starting falling. It didn´t feel good, or liberating like before. It hurt, hurt so much she wanted to die, but it had to be done. She needed to talk to someone about it, about the feelings.

"But… He never did hate me. He cared all along. It´s so sick, you feel so sick when you´re confused like this. I wanted to hurt him, I needed to hurt him, but I felt it too, I thought it felt good, I thought he deserved every last bit of it, but he didn´t. Shinji… he was so alone, just like me… He just wanted someone to understand him, to accept him. He wanted me to accept him, and I spat on his face when it mattered the most. Then, then we came back to the world, and it was so cold, everything was destroyed, and he was there. It… it became a routine after a while, hurting him I mean. At first, it hurt me too, to see him so sad, so, so pathetic… But then I lost that too, I just wanted to hurt him back, hurt him for leaving me to die, for always being on the damn spotlight, for being the hero, for killing me, but most of all I wanted to hurt him because he was just like me. We were so alike that it scared me, it scared me what could happen if I let him get close, so I pushed him away, but he just wouldn't go."

Hikari was speechless, lying on the soft carpet, her knees growing increasingly sore by the position. She couldn´t move, though. In all honesty, she could make out some of the things Asuka was saying, but it was such a disoriented speech, as if she desperately needed to express these things. She couldn´t make heads or tails with most of what Asuka was talking about, but she´d listen, for both their sakes, she´d listen.

"He always stayed, never wanting anything for himself, he was like a dirty doormat, just waiting to be stepped on. It made me so sick to see him like that, but I didn´t do a thing to try to help him. I did horrible things to him instead… I did, and I know and I´m sorry… I´m Sorry, damnit… damnit… I´m so sorry Hikari… I´m sorry Misato… Shinji… I´m so sorry…" Her energy spent, Asuka collapsed. There it was, she was broken, absolutely broken. There was nothing left inside but her grief and her anger. She couldn´t even control her damn temper, she was a violent abuser that needed to put others down to feel a bit least disgusted with herself.

There they lay, two sad little girls sitting on the floor, sniffing and looking down. The air around the room was tense, restrained, the atmosphere was hot, as if expectant of another outburst.

Hikari hesitantly placed a hand on Asuka´s shoulder, attempting to be civil for at least a moment. Taking a shuddering breath, she tried to articulate her thoughts enough to express herself somewhat rationally.

"Listen, I… You´re right, I can´t possibly imagine what you´ve been through, but… I lost a lot too, I´ve been in pain, and I´ve been confused. I don´t know what to do… I don´t think I can just move past this, Asuka. I can´t… be there for you, not right now, I can´t even look at you, you´re not the person I thought you were, God I don´t even want to know half the things you´ve done to Shinji," She made a motion with her hand when she noticed Asuka was ready to interrupt her.

"But, maybe, if you change things, if you get better, maybe we can get better too. So… I´m sorry, I´m sorry."

"Don´t apologize," growled the German girl, but it was painfully obvious her spirit wasn´t in it. "You sound like him…" It was the wrong thing to say in such a situation, but the words themselves made little difference. Asuka´s voice lacked any poison as she uttered those words, just plain sadness.

"Will you… will you change?"

Hesitance. The sound of cicadas quietly dancing in the air outside could be heard through the open window.

"Yeah… I´ll try"

"How about getting some professional help?"

A growl. Low and menacing.

"Don´t push it"

"Okay"

Auburn met azure somewhere along the way, and Hikari saw no monster staring back. She saw no pure, uncontrollable hatred-driven beast that sought nothing but hurt. All she saw was someone that had gone through too much too soon. What Asuka had lived through was deeper than whatever she could understand, so she wouldn´t try to.

Together, the girls stayed sprawled on the floor for a long time, hours passed and neither talked, nor made an attempt to move other than a slight rearrangement in their positions on the carpet. There was few they could say to each other without pushing for another fight, so it was best to just wait for a while. The wounds were still fresh and bleeding, after all…

* * *

Misato sat at the table and played with her second beer can, which was strangely at least half full. She didn´t really feel like drinking lately. The sour taste brought some bad memories, along with the smell of blood, memories of a sea of endless red, of endless possibilities, endless escape. Just like the booze.

_Damnit… I can never do anything. Asuka… What the hell am I going to do with that girl? I feel like choking her half the time and hugging her to death the other half. God damnit. Why the hell did I even come back if I can´t do a thing? Shinji… He´s in so much pain, and I can´t even comfort him…_

Sighing in despair, she eyed the redhead´s door. It had been a while since the screaming had stopped, so she was obviously tempted to go and see if they had killed each other or something along those lines. Her gut, however, told her to sit tight and wait, to trust Asuka and Hikari.

_Everything´s falling apart again. Well, I'm not going to sit and wait like last time, I´m definitely not gonna push my kids away now. I´ll do something, maybe a shrink… maybe not. I wish Pen-Pen was here…_

There was always that troubling part of her that drilled in her mind again and again a single dark, guilty thought. It had been eight months, eight. She saw the bruises, hell she even heard some of the fights, but she was always too tired. I´ll talk to them tomorrow, she had told herself, but tomorrow never came. She thought it wasn´t so bad; she even overlooked the broken fingers that one time, she thought Asuka was just acting out, when faced with the condoms in the bathroom dumpster she had tried to convince herself that they were proof her charges were getting along better. What an amazing role model…

There was little she could do at the moment, so Misato decided to continue sitting on the table, waiting patiently for the girls to finish whatever quarrel they were having. She´d have to pick the pieces that remained of her surrogate daughter, of course, but it was turning more and more gratifying to do so.

So many years wasted trying to grasp a revenge that was impossible and wrongly directed, so many more pushing everything away with the drinking and the screwing around when all she needed were those two little kids. Even when she had them, she just had to go and fuck everything up, treating them as her superior officer, not as their guardian.

_What should we do now, what should I do, Shinji, with this life that you gave me? How much did you suffer for us to have this, and now we´re just throwing it away? These past eight months are proof we didn´t learn anything from Third Impact, we didn´t learn anything from you… I´m sorry, Shin-chan…_

The minutes clicked away, the sound of the small hands slowly moving forward in the old watch hanging from the wall were the only ones perceptible in the living room. Misato wondered if she would ever hear laughter overflow the corridors again, or if the sweet sound of Shinji´s cello would ever fill their minds and souls for those brief but precious times he would pick up the bow. Things were falling apart…

* * *

"_So, is there any particular reason you´re smiling like a complete idiot?" _

_A year before he would have taken the words as a cheerful inquiry, perhaps even the closest thing to a positive comment, yet the phrase was spoken as if the mere notion of him smiling made her physically sick. Not that he would blame her._

"_Um… Was cooking dinner… I was just… Thinking about stuff… sorry" He stammered pathetically, almost shrinking under her stare. She was angry today, angrier than normal. Was today some kind of a symbolic date he had forgotten again? Maybe she was just having her… period, and was just acting out. Who knew these days, she didn´t really need a particular reason to hurt him, such things had been made clear during their week on their own. He didn´t blame her though, no, he felt even more drawn to her. __**He was sick.**_

"_Stuff. And what stuff, exactly? I bet you were thinking about these, huh?" She grabbed her breasts roughly, closing the distance between them and practically shoving them in his face. _

"_What´s the matter, can´t think about them while I´m here, or while I´m conscious? Need me to be on the bed, huh? The helpless little girl situation gets you on and all, right? I bet IV tubes turn you on too, right, remind you of that bitch Wondergirl I bet!!" _

_His back was pressed against the wall, his eyes staring at her face, always so very beautiful, distorted in that now familiar snarl of pure rage. It was always scary to face her, it terrified him to the bone, he was still afraid of pain, after all. From the second he had awoken fro yet another horrible nightmare he had known something bad was going to happen, something really, really bad. _

"_N...No! I wasn´t… I wasn´t thinking that! I… I was just… making lunch…" His voice faded as he saw her expression change from pure anger to something worse. She smiled that smile of hers, that smile that chased him in his nightmares worse that the creepy voice which tortured him sometimes in his sleep. He gulped, pressing himself more against the wall as she closed the remaining distance between their bodies. He could feel her breath on his face; he could even the see the faded, almost invisible line under her left eye. It could only be seen at extremely close distances, as the scars around her body or on her arm. There were nothing more than slight discolorations around her skin. Nobody knew about them, simply because they weren´t really noticeable. __**He felt disgusted with himself.**_

"_Bullshit," She whispered venomously into his ear. "You always think about my body, don´t you?" She pressed her right hand on his chest, her nails digging into his flesh through the simple blue shirt. A hiss of pain escaped his throat, and he could swear he felt it as her smile broadened. _

"_Does this hurt, Shinji?" She clutched her fingers, feeling his skin give in and warm blood ooze from the freshly made wounds._

"_How do you think it hurt when I was ripped apart? How do you think it felt when my arm was split in half, huh?!" Violently, she ripped her hand from his chest, not even giving him a second to compose before slapping his face as hard as she could. _

"_How can you stand there and smile knowing everything you´ve done?! You little shit!" The pain in his jaw and in his chest was nothing compared to his heartache. How much more could his heart break? How farther could he sink into the depression that was slowly consuming him? More and more he wanted to end it, to find some release at last, to go to sleep and never feel anything again. He was thinking about running away for good, somewhere he´d be safe and alone. __**He was a coward, just like his father**__. _

"_You go around pretending everything´s all right, it´s always about the almighty Third Child, isn´t it? If you feel good then it doesn´t matter how much others have to suffer, right?!" She did not hit him again, choosing instead to stand above him and glare at his fallen, pathetic form. He noticed her glare was extremely familiar, as was the situation he found himself in. His cheek was on fire and his jaw felt as if it was about to fall off, he wondered if today she would finally deliver him of his pain and save him the need of doing it himself. _

"_Pathetic" _

_She continued to glare at him as he lay unmoving on the floor, a hand on his bruised and already swelling face. _

"_Everything´s about you, you, you ,you ,you. They even gave _you_ the choice to save mankind, and what do you do? You blow the whole fucking world to hell!! And you drag me down to whatever´s left of it!! You´re so fucking selfish!!!!! You´re a killer, a murderer!!!!! I hate you!!!!!" _

"_I´m sorry." _

"_Shut up!!!! All you ever do is apologize!!!!! How the fuck can you apologize to me, how can you even look at me, knowing what you´ve done??!!" She kicked him on the side, not too strongly, but not lightly at all._

"_I´m... sorry…" _

_She screamed loudly. It was a high pitched, almost ultrasonic sound that tore through his eardrums and ate at his soul. She screamed like a crazy person these days, but then again, if she was insane, it was his fault. _

_Another kick._

"_You… Monster" The way in which she practically snarled the word made him sick. He tried to compose himself, grabbing the table for support and he stood upright and gasped for air. He could run away, hell, he could probably overpower her if he set his mind to it, but there was no point in that. This was his well-deserved punishment, and he would take it. He would not run away._

But, it hurts so bad sometimes. I´m always thinking about running away, I just don't do it because I´m sick like that. The way she is now, it´s my fault, everything´s my fault.

**Yes… it is. **

_She chased him around the table and as was expected, he tried to stay as far away from her as possible. She kept screaming at him, clawing at his heart with her biting words. Words had always had a greater impact on him than any physical pain, because he knew his body could heal. His soul, so very fragile, could not, it would keep bleeding from the fresh wounds rightfully inflicted upon it until it bled out completely once again and his meager, almost non-existent feeling of self-worth was washed away. If he surrendered to the pain, then Instrumentality would have happened for nothing, and for that reason he wouldn´t give up. Ever. _

"_Monster, that's all you are!!! You remember what you did to me, you bastard?!! The way you raped me?! The way you jacked off in my fucking face??!! Why don´t you do it right now? I´ll stand here and watch!!!" She picked a plate from the table and threw it at him, missing his head by mere inches. _

_She always knew what exactly to say, which exact words to use in order to trigger the worst flashbacks from Instrumentality. She was like an actress sometimes, replaying the scenes with frightening accuracy. She knew it to be the best technique to crush him each time, almost the only way nowadays to get him to show pain. He could barely show any emotion after all he had gone through, as the months passed the numbness inside increased, as did the will, the urge to bring a knife to his veins and slash, to finally sleep and never, ever wake up. But he was a monster, a monster who deserved to suffer. __**He was a monster, and death was too good for him.**_

_She finally caught him and proceeded to hit him in the stomach, kicking his feet from under him right after. He went crashing to the floor yet again, fighting to bring air back to his lungs. _

"_You did this." She was shaking with rage, standing above him, her fiery red hair shadowing her eyes. "You made me feel like this, you made me come back, you fucked everything up…" _

_Something broke. He thought he could take it, he thought he could stand this torture forever, but something broke inside him. He felt anger boil inside his chest, and for once it wasn´t directed at himself. _

"_I… I tried to stop it…" _

_She glared at him hotly from under her bangs, her fists shaking in indignation._

"_How dare you say you t-"_

"_They did this, those bastards, my father, Akagi, SEELE, they did this…!" He stood again, facing with an expression of ferocity seen on his face only when he piloted his Evangelion. _

"_I never wanted any of this!!!" She actually stepped back, it was barely a step, but it symbolized so much more. _

"_I wanted to help you, damnit!! I wanted to understand you, but you kept pushing me away!!!" _

_It was now him advancing on her, drawing closer, losing whatever sense of self-preservation he possessed. He was tired of it, of all of it. _

"_Everyone pushed me away, everyone left ME!!! How would you like to have the world in the palm of hand??!! How would you like to have to choose to save a world that gives you nothing but PAIN!!!!!??" _

_She stopped retreating and faced him, true fear shining in her eyes as she witnessed his advance. He wondered briefly if she believed he would actually go and rape her as she so often said he had done. He could never bring himself to do such a thing, but he had to make her understand. _

_She was speechless, and he found that fact strangely gratifying. _

"_I´ll tell you what you would´ve done, you would have made the same choice, because deep down, you´re just like me!!!!!!!" _

_There was a moment of absolute silence between them. She stood almost with her back touching her bedroom door, her eyes were wide, complete shock evident in them. It was a moment of blissful, absolute silence, and he enjoyed it. _

_Then, she pounced._

_Before he could even raise his arms to defend himself, she threw her anatomy at him with military precision, dragging him to the ground a third time. Once he was immobilized by her powerful thighs she started hitting his face and every inch of his body. He did not raise to block. _

"_You… little… shit… How dare.. you. I´m nothing like you!! I´m not a monster like you!!! I´m not a murderer!!! You are!!! You did this, don´t blame it on anyone else! I hate you!!!!! I hate you!!!!! You remember this, Shinji Ikari!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!" _

_In her rage, she took his right hand and grabbed his middle finger, stopping her assault and glaring hatred into his eyes. _

"_A piece of worthless crap, that´s what you are, you´re no good unless someone´s using you, you worm…" Her eyes shined with sick anticipation as he felt the pain of her blows all over his face and body. There was an increasing pressure on his right middle finger, his head was spinning from the blows, but not enough so to escape her accusing orbs. _

"_I´ll never be anything like a weak, pathetic, horny little shit like you… You said it before, you belong to me, don´t you?" She applied more pressure, twisting his finger upwards and feeling as his bones began to give. "Don´t you??!!" _

"_Y… yeah…" He hissed through his teeth. _

_Yes, he did. It was his penance, and he would gladly go through it for a thousand lives. He would stay with her and be used by her as long as she saw fit, this he did because he chose to, not because he was forced. He had chosen to stay with her a long time ago. _

"_Yes… I do" His whisper was hoarse and laced with the agony that consumed both his body and soul. _

_-Snap- _

_His scream was loud and hoarse, his mind doubling over in pain. The finger had been broken, and he couldn´t believe how much it actually hurt. _

"_You think this is pain? My arm was split in half, and you think this could compare to that?!!" _

_-Snap- _

"_AAAAAAARRGGHHH!!!!!" _

_He was now struggling to break free from her hold, fighting desperately against her weight, but he hadn´t been eating or sleeping well, so he was too weak to pry her off him. _

_She leaned in close, squeezing his hand to get his full, undivided attention. The eyes that glared at him gleamed with obsessive rage slowly brought him back to reality. The pain was so intense that he could hardly contain the scream that build up in his chest, yet he held it in. It was pointless to scream, the walls were so thick they could stand an N2 mine, his screams would go unnoticed. _

"_I want you to remember this every time you see yourself in the mirror, Shinji. I want you to remember who you are, and what you are..." She squeezed harder. _

"_And most of all, I want you to remember this pain the next time you feel like answering me back. You´re my toy, MINE. It´s all you´re good at, it´s all you´ll ever be good at. So don´t even try to think you deserve anything less than this," She finally let go of his hand and picked herself up, admiring her handiwork. He lay crumbled on the floor clutching his broken fingers, agony coursing through his veins like fire. _

"_W… Why do you do this to me?" He all but squeaked, pain overwhelming his senses. His heart was broken, so broken. She hated him with all her might; there was just no point in going on anymore. _

"_Because you deserve it" _

_With that final statement, she retreated back to the depths of her bedroom, not to be heard of again for a whole day. She did that quite often lately, beat him up and then lock herself in that room, it was probably because Misato´s reaction worried her. Not that he´d ever tell his guardian the truth…_

"**Hmmm… How… delicious" **

The kitchen dissolved into darkness.

The lights flicked on once again in Ikari Shinji´s mind. He stood directly under the spotlight, and once again the voice that tormented him came from all around, and nowhere at the same time.

"**So, do you still believe she made that soup for you out of the kindness of her heart?'" **

Shinji knew he was going insane. It was the only reason this could feel so real, there was no logical way to explain it, he was simply loosing his mind.

"**HA! Insane? No, my dear Shinji-kun. Insanity would be too good for you, I´m afraid we call THIS by a different name, do you want to know what we call it, Shinji?"**

"Yes"

"**Guilt, Shinji, this is your guilt." **The thing let out a roar of terrible laughter that shook him to the core. His guilt was eating him away, slowly rotting what remained of his soul until there was nothing left, until his self, all which made him who he was disappeared.

"You… You´ll never leave me alone," He spoke at last to the monster, for once out of the power of his will rather then out of one of the beast´s inquiries._"_Not until you kill me." Shinji felt cold all over. "Will you?"

"**Leave you? Hahahahahaha… Kill you? What would I do without you? Or better yet, what would You do without Me?! I complete you…Guilt Shinji, it never ends, and it determines your existence. Don´t you see? I am you, I am what´s left of your soul Shinji-kun, I am what´s left of you." **

To make its point the monster manifested itself in front of him, glaring from those unforgiving blood-red eyes. The stench was suffocating, as always. Blood tricked down the monster´s wounds, and its heartbeat thundered through his mind. He stood facing the decaying corpse that was his own soul.

"**This is what you are, and the guilt, it is yours for all times. You killed them all, Shinji, you are the biggest genocidal maniac mankind has ever produced. You alone, with your bare hands, killed billions, and what´s worse, you utterly destroyed every last person around you. Look what you did to Misato, look at what happened to Asuka!!! She´ll never be the same, and it´s YOUR fault!!!!!!!!" **

Another bone-chilling cackle resonated though the empty, cold and dark void that was his mind.

"**Your own mother condemned you to this fate, Shinji. She wanted you to suffer like this, because she knew just how ugly and pathetic you really are. She doomed you to this, to ME, the moment she climbed into Unit One. To prove my point, you know she did it willingly. So no, Shinji, I will never stop tormenting you, never, not even when you go insane and kill yourself. And you know why?" **

It extended a hand to grasp at his face, cupping his cheek almost fondly, yet its touch was so utterly revolting. It felt like being touched by death itself, as the cold, dead finger traced his jaw line, a hollowness unlike any other pressed against his chest.

"**I am you, I´ve told you before. And guilt, Shinji, it never ends. It will follow you wherever you go, it will consume you for all times, so stop trying to fight me, you know it´s futile. Accept this, because it´s yours. All of it, it´s yours…" **

"-nji"

"**This is yours…" **

"No… Please…stop it"

"Sh-Ji"

"**This is yours…"**

"I never wanted any of this… please…"

**You´ll suffer, you deserve nothing else"**

"S-Ji!!"

"Please, no more"

"**Yesss, beg, cry, rage to it all. Nobody will hear you scream, nobody will save you…" **

"Please, stop it, I´m sorry"

"**Beg, for this is yours… This is yours…" **

"Shi-i!!"

"I´m sorry, I´m sorry, leave me alone…"

"**Heheheheheee… Cry some more, beg a bit more, nothing´s going to change…" **

"**You´ll suffer…"**

"**This is yours…" **

"**This is yours… Shinji"**

"Shinji!!! Wa… Up!"

"Leave me alone, all of you, just go away, leave me alone…"

**This is your penance. Enjoy it, you bastard." **

"**You brat…"**

"**You coward"**

"**You **_**Idiot" **_

"Leave me alone!!!!!!!!"

"Shinji!!!"

"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!"

The world came to focus as the scream abandoned its creator´s tattered chest. He sat up abruptly, gasping for air for a single second before white, burning pain consumed his hazed mind. All me saw was white around him, all he smelled was the nauseating stench of the clean environment, and for once, being in the hospital bed surrounded by the many machines made to keep him alive brought some semblance of peace to his disoriented self.

The boy tried moving his right middle and ring fingers only to find out his entire arm was numb. Wasn't he in the kitchen? Or in hell? What the hell was going on? When had he fallen asleep this time? Vaguely, he remembered someone calling his name.

The pain in Shinji´s ribs was almost unbearable for a couple of seconds, as he took deep breaths to calm his raging heart, the glass shards moved along, rubbing painfully against his inner organs. The familiar beep was heard and the sedatives were released, alleviating most of the physical agony in a matter of seconds. Finally able to formulate accurate thoughts Shinji discovered a female hand on his right shoulder. Painted fingernails.

He slapped the hand from his shoulder.

Ritsuko took a step back from the boy, taking the sight of him as oddly depressing. When she entered the room to check the sate of his recovery and Shinji´s response to the serum, she had been surprised by the sight of him whimpering and trashing about in his sleep, muttering incoherently. She was quite aware of the boy´s feeling towards her, but his health was her responsibility, so meetings were unavoidable. She prayed he would not try to throw himself at her. Again.

Ritsuko gave him some time to recover. He was breathing quite heavily, as was to be expected after pretty much throwing himself upwards. Whatever he was dreaming, it must have been horrible. Heh, yet another child she had managed to completely fuck over.

One more stain in her blackened soul, one more thing to cry about at night.

"Sorry, Shinji-kun, you were having a nightmare. I need to see your sutures and make sure you´re healing correctly, so if you´d just let me…" The blonde reached to lift his gown, but he pulled away, upsetting his injuries again.

"Don´t touch me" he hissed through his teeth, trying in vain to sit upright. Wordlessly, he lifted his gown, revealing the heavily bandaged chest and rib area. It took him some time to finally take off the thin piece of clothing, not to mention the increasing pressure he felt on his chest. After some struggle and more than a few selected curses, he was left half naked on the bed.

In a manner of minutes, Ritsuko had already removed the gauze and was critically gazing at the two long, vertical incisions on the left side of Shinji´s chest. Whatever they did, it was going to leave some very nasty scars. An impressively gruesome coloring of blue, yellow and red covered his whole left side, and even with the sedatives, the doctor knew Shinji was in pain. It was dulled to its minimum indeed, but it wasn´t enough and they were already giving him too many drugs to enhance his healing and to keep him asleep for 10 to 12 hours a day.

"Hmm… Seems to be healing as we expected. I believe you´ll be good to go in three weeks tops. You´ll have to wear bandages for at least two more months, and I wouldn´t recommend any physically straining activities for three months, and that includes running, jogging, cleaning, or any other thing that might upset your breathing." She paused to see if he was paying attention to her words.

Shinji was frowning quite deeply. He felt cold, lying there with nothing but white underwear on. His right arm was itching again, the cast was getting a tad too annoying, and blonde´s presence was definitely not helping.

"Are you done yet?" He asked coldly, glaring at her from under his bangs. She seemed to recoil under his accusing stare and started bandaging him again.

"You´re advancing quite nicely, we´ll lower the sedative doses, so you´ll be awake more, maybe we could try walking in a day or two…" She trailed off, noticing he was busy staring at the wall, doing everything in his power to Not pay attention to her.

"Okay then, I´ll see you in a couple of day-"

"You did this," he whispered furiously, his left hand clenching and unclenching in that familiar fashion.

"P… Pardon?"

"You did this, you made me like this, you fucked us all up, you and that _bastard._" Shinji spit the word bastard as if it was poison on his tongue.

_The bitch is lucky I can´t get up, I´d strangle her if I could, _he thought grimly.

"I can´t go to bed in peace, I can´t get a good night´s sleep, Asuka hates everything, she´ll never be the same. You did this, you bastards, you made me into this, this monster that I am…"

Ritsuko didn´t answer, she could not think of a good answer to him, not because she lacked the intellect, but because she knew the boy was right. She had ruined his life, along with Asuka´s and Rei´s as well. If anyone was a monster, it was her.

The door hissed as it closed, leaving Shinji in the solitude of his hospital room once again.

He wondered what would happen when he was able to go home. Shinji knew nothing was going to change, as soon as he walked through the door Asuka would start her assaults with vengeance, Misato would keep coming home late, tired and drunk, Pen-Pen would still not be there and he´d probably have to spend a good week trying to clean the household. It didn´t bother him.

What did bother him was the feeling that arose each time he even thought of her name. He couldn´t remember ever feeling so afraid of another person, not even when it came to his father or when he faced off against the Angels. Maybe it was his fear of being hated, of being rejected by others around him… no, it was something deeper, sicker. He felt drawn to her, every time he pictured that red mane and the lioness it belonged to his heart would flutter, whenever he remembered the good old days a smile would find its way to his face.

Along with these fond sensations, however, an irrational terror would fill his mind and red alarms would ring inside his head. It was the kind of terror that numbed the body completely and left the mind as clear as mush, the kind of terror prisoners of war were possessed by as they were tortured.

Whatever. He´d have to get over it at some point, just like he´d had to get over the rotting anger the mere presence of doctor Akagi seemed to provoke. Shinji sighed, laying back down he gazed at the ceiling, the all too familiar white ceiling of NERV Infirmary and wondered just what the hell was supposed to happen now.

Half the world´s populations was still missing, and while it was true that people returned every day and nature was reshaping and growing, there was still the uncertainty of how things would go on. Governments had been reinstated in nearly every country, and after eight months, there seemed to exist a sense of camaraderie between every person, they all helped each other to survive, they shared whatever resources they possessed, in most cases anyway. Third Impact had been some kind of a deadly warning to the human race, it would have meant their complete eradication had it not been for Shinji´s choice.

Of course, he would never see it that way.

"Ugghh… There´s nothing to do, and they said I´ll be awake more now. Hell, I don´t even know what time it is. This sucks…"

Bored out of his mind, the former Third Child picked up the remote lying on the nightstand and turned on the TV.

* * *

Shortly after Hikari left, Asuka abandoned her room to make dinner. Misato saw as she cooked in the most zombie-like manner she had ever seen. It appeared as if she was moving in auto-pilot, picking the ingredients and mixing without a second glance. After a good 15 minutes, the redhead served two plates of fried fish and vegetables along with some tea, a rather traditional choice for someone who claimed to hate Japanese food.

"So… you went to visit Shinji today." Said Misato between bites. The food was good, not as good as Shinji´s, but extremely edible.

"Yeah…"

_She sounds dead, _thought Misato worriedly, glancing at Asuka. Said girl was eating mechanically, not bothering to even savor her meal, it was obvious that she was trying to eat as fast as she could, probably because she thought the other woman would scold her.

"And how did it go?" She asked carefully. Asuka stopped eating and placed her chopsticks on the plate, her gaze firmly set on the table. Misato could see weariness in those eyes, the stare reminded her of Asuka´s state when she had been found by Section Two in that old tub, not too long ago.

"It… I fucked it up again." She answered sadly. The atmosphere around the table turned deadly cold at her last statement.

Misato tried to keep her temper in check, she knew Shinji was alright, had anything happened she would have been contacted immediately, so why was Asuka acting as she´d done something unforgivable?

"What happened?"

"I couldn´t keep my temper in check, I yelled at him again…"

"Oh…" Misato had obviously been waiting for something worse, so she allowed herself to relax.

"Did you… hurt him?"

"That´s a stupid question," deadpanned Asuka, trying to summon a glare and failing. "It´s all I´m good at, hurting people. He´s just stupid enough to stay with a monster like me…"

Misato sighed deeply, it was getting harder to be understanding and forgiving with her surrogate daughter, but the major knew very well what her children had gone through, and she had made a promise to a certain bearded bastard that she´d take care of Asuka.

"You´re not a monster, Asuka. You´re just… confused." Misato saw the signs from a mile away. If someone were to ask her, she probably wouldn´t have been able to explain just how she knew Asuka was about to break down, but she just knew. Even when the redhead was acting as detached and cold as she could, Misato could see through it all.

Wordlessly, she stood from the table, motioning Asuka to follow her. Strangely enough, she did.

They headed to the balcony, overlooking the city side by side. Even when their apartment was a bit far away from the main constructions, the noise still reached the building. Hammers and heavy machinery worked non-stop to bring the city to a semblance of it´s former glory. The sun was sinking in the horizon, bathing the city with a relaxing orange hue. It had been a week now, a week since Asuka´s outburst.

"Ritsuko called." Asuka´s head spun the moment the words left her mouth. She could _see_ the concern glimmer in her eyes.

"Shinji´s doing fine, he´s recovering well she said. He´ll be allowed to walk from now on, and they want to start physical therapy as soon as he´s regained some strength."

Misato smiled then, reaching out and all but dragging Asuka to a one armed hug. The redhead did not move away, in fact, she hesitantly placed her arm around Misato´s waist, hugging back lightly.

"My Shinji-kun is coming back to me, Asuka. He´s coming back to us, so you better be nicer to him from now on. I will not allow anything, and I do mean _anything_ to happen to him ever again." She whispered to Asuka´s hair.

"We´ll go see him tomorrow, okay?"

The redhead was too busy relishing in the feeling of utter and absolute safety the simple hug brought to her to pay attention. She was a monster, she knew it. She had done so many horrible things that her soul would forever be tainted, she would never find happiness, because she didn´t deserve it. But Shinji did, he deserved to be happy, he deserved to find some semblance of peace.

"He deserves to be happy…" She whispered back.

"You do, too." Misato felt the girl stiffen and shake her head.

"No. I tortured him, I did horrible things. I raped him, Misato. He cried, he cried when it happened you know, and I felt so sick with myself that I threw up when I woke up the next morning." The tears came again, along with the familiar sensation of utter self-disgust, but Asuka let herself go, she allowed the tears to fall, because she knew Misato would not push her away.

Misato did not, under any circumstances, want to know this, but she felt Asuka´s body wreck with sobs a second after, and she understood. She understood why mothers never give up on their children, why mothers knew the worst pains. She had to be Asuka´s pillar of strength now, if she scolded the girl, if she yelled, if she hit her again, it would solve nothing. She would have to listen.

"Shhh… Calm down, baby. Tell me about it, I know you want to. I won´t judge you, I´m her for you…"

So Asuka did just that. She told Misato of her greatest shame, she told her guardian about the multiple times she had forced Shinji into sex, about the things she´d say to him when she was at work and he was defenseless. She told Misato of the incident in the kitchen, of the broken fingers, the broken plates, the shredded clothes, the horrible insults. And between the sobs, the cries of anguish and the frequent visits to the bathroom to hold Asuka´s hair as she puked, Misato understood her little girl. So she would not judge. She would not forgive her just yet, she´d have to earn that forgiveness with her actions towards Shinji, but the regret Misato saw in her eyes was so absolute, so true, that punishment would have to wait.

Maybe things were not falling apart, after all…

**TBC…**

There. Done. God. Damn. It was SO hard to find the time to do this chap that I´m not really sure how it is, so I really hope you like it. i know I´ve been giving the same situation in each chap, Shinji in the hospital, Asuka off somewhere suffering and whatnot, but I needed to form that relationship between Asuka and Misato. As you know, they never really got along, so it´s important for me to highlight its development. Anyway, next chap will be more...active shall we say. Stay tuned for more Scar Tissue. Remember, reviews are my strenght, without them I can´t write, so, REVIEW! LOL

PEACE

D.B

Inspirational music: I Live For Your Pain-Helloween; All Nightmare Long-Metallica; Tear, Dosed-Red Hot Chilli Peppers; A Pillow Of Winds- Pink Floyd; This Dying Soul-Dream Theater.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: DONE! Sorry for letting so much time pass, but I ws busy with colledge until the second week of December and after that I kinda went to the beach and... well, I stayed there for about two weeks. It´s finally done! You´ll find a couple of canges in this chappy, I hope you enjoy it!!! Thanks for reading and for your support, you keep me inspired!!!!! ENJOY.

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter Seven. Sixth Act: Hours Of Wealth

Nightmares

Have you ever had nightmares? Have you ever experienced the terror of your worst fears manifested in its most abominable form? Did you ever wake up and thank the Lord that everything you had just experienced was in the realm of the non-existent? Did you ever wish to never, ever suffer them again? Were your nightmares so vivid, so horrible, so vile and rotten and insufferable and _repetitive_ that you wished you could simply turn off your brain at night? Have you ever woken up crying hysterically, clawing, sweating and scared to death? Have you, or you, or any of you, been tortured by your own subconscious?

I have.

For eight months, my stupid mind has been trying to tell me something, something of substance, but I was too blind and stupid to realize it. For ten _years _it has whispered in my head, again and again, what I am, what I could be. But most of all, it´s been telling me what I´m not. I´m not strong, like I lead people to believe. I´m not brave, I´m just stupid. I lack any sense of self-preservation people normally posses, I was born without it, or maybe it was taken from me when I was very young. Anyway.

You know the worst thing about nightmares? They´re not some demonic possession, they´re not images put in your resting brain by an evil being who´s only purpose is to torment the living. They are your fears, your memories, your mind.

Hey, you, I´m talking!! Pay attention, damnit!! It´s not every day I open myself like this, so you better listen up. Sometimes you have these flashbacks in your dreams, really vivid flashbacks, and that´s the proof of what I´m talking about. My mind has been telling me, for eight months now, that was I was doing was wrong. But I´m stupid, I think that´s been mentioned enough.

You know, the only nights I spent peacefully were the ones with him. I always told myself that it was okay, that I was using him and nothing else, but that would be lying to myself and I´m tired of that.

I´ve always been an insufferable person, nobody ever gave me a second glance because I´m an annoying bitch. The only thing I ever had was EVA, EVA and my body. And there´s the thing.

He didn´t care about either, not really. He cared about something else, me. And I couldn´t stand it, but he could, he could stand being around me, and not because of my body or my skills.

That thing in the hospital? Well, let me see YOU get ripped of your empty little life, get thrown into a gigantic bio-mechanical weapon by the father that tossed you aside like some used up clothes and all but forgot you existed, just to go off and face monsters so horrible and terrifying, so unnaturally strong that you just freeze at the sight of them. Oh, and here comes the best part.

You get thrown into an empty house with a drunken slob of a woman who treats you like nothing less than a convenient maid and a soldier, and me. So, yeah. Oh, wait, you haven´t heard the best part. You get abused, both physically and psychologically by almost everyone around you, you get isolated and suffer the worst experiences inside and outside that horrible machine. You watch your friends get hurt and killed, while you both serve the drunken bitch and put up with my shit. You get a first seat into Hell and climb onto a self-destructing roller-coaster that ends up by making you hate yourself so much that you just don´t care anymore.

So. Do I still blame him for that? No, I don´t. I Understand, but it took me too damn long and in the meanwhile…

Let me ask you something else.

Have you ever been tortured? Actually tortured? No? Thought so, you see, this boy I´m telling you about, well, he´s been tortured. Me? Have I been tortured? Well, yeah, of course I have, but not as bad as him. Maybe at some point, but how do you measure that? Who cares at this point? This boy, you see, he´s a bit stupid too. He´s stupid because he cares too much and he´s fragile. But he´s not weak, nooooo sir. If you could have seen him sometimes, the strength he had, you´d be surprised. He can rip anyone off to pieces if he gets pushed hard enough. You know his friends? Well, let´s say that one o them punches me in the face, right in front of him. I bet you, I BET you, that he´ll break that big monkey to a bloody pulp in a manner of minutes. He´s scary when he´s angry, very scary. I´m afraid of that side of him, because I don´t really know it at all. He never gets angry, not with me at least, and the time he did get mad, he killed me.

Okay, back to the point. HEY!! Pay attention!!! So, he´s strong, but stupid, his heart is so pure, even after all that´s happened that he just goes off and does anything for anyone. So shy, so withdrawn, but so loving. He can care for you so much that no matter how cold, how rotten you are, you end up caring for him too, and that´s the thing.

For people like me and him, getting close is terrifying. So we draw each other away because we don´t know how to deal with people. No, that´s wrong. I don´t know how to deal with people. He just wanted someone to be nice to him, someone to hug him and care for him and ask him how his day was and help him clean up and travel with him…

But he´s stupid, and you know why? He goes off and cares for someone like me.

I´m something of a monster, I´m very ugly inside you know. I hurt people, it´s all I´m ever good at. Really, I´m not even that impressive in my EVA, if you could see what he could do with his… Anyway, torture.

Think about this, alright? Good. Let´s go back to what I was saying before, you get to watch your friends die and all that… Then you get this choice, kay? You get to choose to carry out the plan of some crazy old fuckers who couldn´t get laid, or you get to survive the most horrible experience you can imagine. Oh, and I failed to mention, by this point, you no longer give a shit, you just want to die because the last person you care about, the only person who you would go for help, is being dismembered right in front of you. Let´s suppose you reach out to that person, you´re so desperate for that other one´s recognition and presence that you cross all existing borders and dimensions and what do you get? You get a kick in the balls, you get spat on the face. Then they offer you to be one with everyone and live in endless universes at the same time, they offer you peace and calm, and most of all, they offer a solution to the pain, some kind of anesthetic.

So you accept, and everything is blown to hell. And you know what? It felt nice. It was a beautiful escape, I´ll admit it. But it was nothing more than that, nothing more that an escape, people were just running away. He didn´t run away. He understood and gave us all a second chance. He came back, and I followed him. I still don´t understand why exactly, but that´s beside the point. What really matters it´s what happened afterwards.

I started working on him you see, I started doing the thing I do best and I didn´t care about morale or anything. I just wanted to hurt him, nothing more. I swear to you, I felt some sick pleasure in watching him squirm. And yet, when I think about it now, it makes me sick. Literally sick, I´ve been puking lately, but not because I´m bulimic or some crazy shit like that. No, simply put, the weight of my actions is crashing down on me, and thinking about it makes me sick with myself.

So, imagine that after all that shit, you get beaten every day. Aside from that, you get insulted, you get hit for no reason, you can´t sleep well, you serve as a slave for someone else and you get… raped. Repeatedly. Then, you get beaten so hard, with such brutality, that you die for two minutes. Your heart stops, literally stops, for two minutes. Can you imagine that? No you can´t. No-one can, not unless you´ve suffered it yourself. And I´ll let you know the worst part.

This boy I´m telling you about, he doesn´t hate me. He doesn´t push me away. He keeps coming back to me, coming for more pain and blood. Why? Why does he do that? Can you explain it to me? Why would anyone do that?

Anyway, I was talking about nightmares. Do you want to see mine? Do you want to put yourself in his place and measure _your _strength to his? You think you could take what he has taken and still get back up? You think you can live all of this and still care for someone that treats you like trash? Let´s see then.

I´m Asuka Langley Sorhyuu, and this is my nightmare, this is my memory.

This is my penance.

_The hits on his flesh felt disgustingly gratifying. Her mind kept screaming at her to go on, while something else, something in her chest, told her to please stop, to leave him be. But how could she? How could she, after seeing that smile on his face? Did he think he deserved to be happy? The little worm… Again and again she pounced on his body, again and again she slapped his face, and it didn't seem to tire her. _

_The boy didn´t fight back, he simply let himself get beaten to a pulp on the ground of the decaying building. It had been five days since they had returned to the world. She had run away, had come back, they had talked, she had hit, and so here they were._

_Finally, she stopped when she noticed the boy´s eyes were closed. His entire face was bruised. The right eye was bulged and purple, evidence of her violence on the second day. The blisters had exploded on her fists, covering her hands with grimy liquid and blood, his blood. Never before had she seen him so horribly abused. The hunger stopped at once, and all that was left was the numbness. She had done this to him. _

_Asuka paused on her assault, and upon observing her handiwork, jumped away from him and recoiled on the wall, as if more contact with his skin would burn her. The inside of the small store was trashed, shelves were on the ground along with many of the products they so desperately needed. The walls were heavily damaged by the explosion, the ceiling ha fallen on the structure itself, yet the door was left untouched. They had come here for supplies and Shinj had found some dried fish. He smiled, and she pounced. It was that simple. He had no right to smile, the murderous beast. Idly, she rubbed her neck, tracing the small lines his nails had left while digging into her flesh. _

_As she watched him, however, she wondered If he should have finished it. The image of him, lying in a small pond of his own blood was terrifying. The fact that his chest was steadily rising and falling brought little comfort. _

_She raised her hands to her face and gasped. The knuckles were partially covered in blood, some sprinkles had even hit her face. How far had she gone this time? How much would he take before he tried to kill her again? She had lost track of time for a while, she didn´t know just how long she had sat on him, hitting, biting, screaming, clawing. _

_Had Shinji recovered his consciousness at that moment, he would have witnessed an expression on the girl's face he had never seen. Shame. She was swimming in her own shame at the moment, attempting in vain to rationalize what she had just done. The _knuckles_ were red still, red with his blood. _

_Asuka lifted herself off the ground, moving closer to him. This time her mind was screaming something else entirely. _Get him up, _it said. _Help him, _it said. The logical side of her mind told her she would be all alone in the world, so it screamed at her. _Do something, he can die. Do something. DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

_Extending an arm to the fallen boy, she was about to lift him off the ground when another part of her mind whispered, pouring venom into her heart. _Remember, _it deadpanned. _Remember what he did, remember what he´s done. He raped you. He abandoned you, he let you die. Let him die. Let him rot.

_So, to her great disgust, she listened. Soon enough an ugly frown took over her pretty, if somewhat skinny face. She walked away, leaving him cold and alone, lying on the broken cement. She had beaten him to unconsciousness, and then had walked away, leaving him to die. _

_Asuka was forced to watch herself walk away, immobile, in her nightmare. She wanted, craved desperately to move, to kick her own ass and tell herself just what would happen in eight months, just to what extremes she would be willing to go to see him in pain. But she could not move, because this was her penance. She would be forced to watch helplessly as Shinji was tortured, again and again and again and again. By her._

"_No…" She whispered, as the other Asuka walked away from the store, blood still on her hands. _

"_Stop… Help him…" She wanted to move, to cradle his head in her lap and caress that soft brown hair and whisper sweet nothings into his ear to make him feel better. But she could not. Her body would simply not respond. _

"_Stop it." She said, louder. Hysteria. Such a choking feeling, yet such a familiar one. At that point, she thought of nothing else but her defeat at the claws and jaws of the EVA Series, and the fact that Shinji had made no move to help, even when she knew, deep in her mind, that he couldn´t have done anything with his EVA covered in Bakelite as it was. But when had she ever cared about such things? When had she ever even considered another one´s point of view? _

_The Asuka in her nightmare kept walking away. Shinji did not move._

"_HELP HIM!!" She screamed to herself._

"_It wasn´t his fault, I get it!!!!!" She fell to her knees, crying. Shinji did not stir, but she could hear his voice coming from everywhere. A murmur, pained, desperate and agonizing. Again and again, she heard his voice whisper the same three words, as if trying to convince himself. _

"_I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve it, I deserve it…"_

_She wanted to whisper back to him, to tell him it was not his fault, but was that true? Had he not taken the final decision in the end? Had he not chosen to kill everyone? Had he not… masturbated in her face? Did he truly NOT deserve it? _

_Shinji finally moved, he painfully rose from the ground, his eyes dead and hollow, as he kept whispering the same thing over and over and over again. _

"_I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this…" _

_The scenery changed. Broken buildings were replaced by camping houses, the smell of rotten fruit replaced by the sandy aroma of the sea. The only things that did not change were the two of them. Asuka was still on her knees, now fallen onto the white sand of the sea of LCL. She recognized the settings, it were the UN shacks they had been forced to live in for over two months, waiting for any new "returnees" and having to share everything, from food to toiletries. She could see Shinji standing there, with the same dead, uncaring expression on his face. Such a look used to arouse the darkest, sickest parts of her, seeing him so indifferent to the world he had destroyed and the people he had hurt made her want to rip off his arms and shove them up… Well, she had done worse than that. _

_Why? Why was her mind torturing her like this? Why could she not dream of being eaten alive? How she craved for those dreams now, to feel the Lance on her eye was far more acceptable than to watch as she tortured, literally tortured, the only boy who had ever cared for her for a reason beyond that of her appearance. Even if he had indeed done horrible things to her, to many, he cared._

_Said boy stood facing the endless ocean, his face held no expression as his eyes held no feeling. A psychologist would have compared his state with that of an autistic child, but there was none but her to watch such empty eyes, eyes that used to be so expressive, so full of emotion, even if that emotion was sadness. After Third Impact the only thing she could see in his eyes was emptiness, as if he was simply waiting to die. Bastard. Everything had to be handed to him, even death. _

_So he stood, barely moving to change his weight from one foot to the other. What could he be thinking about? What was so important that it absorbed all of his attention? Why did he only smile when he cooked, or cleaned? What kind of a monster was he? And why, why oh why did she have to listen to her own thoughts at that time? Was watching not enough? Was relieving her worst action not enough?_

"_What are you doing, standing there like an idiot?" She asked cruelly. `Dream´ Asuka approached him, but he made no motion to move, or answer for that matter. Hundreds of people could be seen in the distance, going over their own devices. Since they were the "pilots", the other returnees used to stay well away from them, especially after being subjected to Asuka´s wrath. _

_She shoved the boy as she closed in on him, making Shinji fall to the ground. Standing over him with a dark scowl on her pretty face, she bent over to glare directly into his face, which still held no expression whatsoever. _

"_Just what the fuck is wrong with you?" She growled at him. Shinji was not looking at her, though, his eyes were focused on a place above her head. He was ignoring her, the little pervert. So this was it. She had to tolerate all the annoying, unfocused, blabbering returnees, she had to help dress, explain and tranquilize them, she had to listen to Misato´s crap day in and day out about how things would get better and all that, and on top of everything she had to stand HIM. _

"_I asked you a question." _

_-Slap-_

"_Answer me, now."_

_-Slap-_

_Snarling at him, Asuka did not change her position over the boy, if anything she closed in on him. In order to straddle him, she dropped to her knees on top of Shinji. It was difficult to explain how people simply allowed her to do to him what she pleased. Nobody ever said anything. Then again, there was a group of returnees that loathed the boy just as much as her, and saw the truth as clear as her. _

_Shinji was a monster. And he was still ignoring her. _

_Asuka picked the boy up by the neck of his T-shirt, drawing his face close to hers. _

"_So, you tell me you like me and all that shit and you don´t answer when I talk? What kind of a man are you, anyway?" She asked, mockery evident in her tone. Shinji made no move to talk, but he averted her eyes from her, and for the first time some sentiment was reflected in his blue pools. It was his turn to look at the ground in shame, as if he was ashamed of his little speech on that fateful first night. Bastard._

"_Ohh, that´s right, you´re not a man, you´re just a stupid, stupid little boy." He refused to raise his pathetic face to meet her glare, refused to answer, yet it was inconsequential. She could see it, the pain. So there was something left in him, the bastard could still feel pain. Good._

"_What, are you waiting for your precious little Wondergirl?" A small frown appeared on his brow at the mention of the blue-haired girl, making the fire in Asuka´s heart burn in hatred of them both._

_She could only see these things, see them as a stranger watching a revoltingly disgusting movie. She could see him on the ground, feeling sorry for himself and everyone else, waiting to die. She remembered, even then the mere thought of him dying was terrifying, perhaps she assaulted him because she needed to confirm that he was still alive, that he was still with her, as he said he would be. _

_`Dream´ Asuka lifted her fist to strike at him again, but something happened. Yes, she remembered that day, the only time she had consciously stopped her assaults on him. Yes, this was it, the first time he had regarded her presence with raw, unbidden terror. _

_Just as the fist was about to find it´s target, Asuka stopped. The look on his face, it was indescribable. It was almost the same fear she had seen in his mind during Instrumentality. Raw, unbidden terror. Terrified. Petrified. His eyes were wide open, his expression for once filled with emotion. She couldn´t hit him, not when looked like that, not when he appeared to be something he was not. She could not him if he looked like a scared little child, instead of looking like the monster and coward he was, she could not strike him when he looked so small, so helpless and so afraid. _

"_I hate you…" She whispered instead, retracting her fist. Fifty or so yards away from them, the small crowd that had developed to watch her pummel him died down, quickly loosing interest in what appeared to be another shouting match. Meh, who cared if there was no blood? Good entertainment was hard to find in the stinking shacks. _

"_I hate you so much." Red bangs covered her eyes, as her balled fists held onto his already ripped and dirty shirt. He did not respond. _

"_I hate you." A tear found it´s way down her cheek, falling onto Shinji´s face. Now that she was witnessing this, suffering this again, Asuka wandered just who she was referring to, just who she hated so much. She was trying to convince herself that he was the aim of all that hatred, but it was nothing but a lie. She lay on the sand, watching the person she hated the most._

_Herself._

_Then something happened, just as she remembered. Shinji lifted an arm and wiped the tear from her face in an impressive show of spine and courage. At once, his eyes locked with hers and she could see him, the real him, the Shinji that had rescued her from the volcano so long ago._

_Still on the ground, he cupped her cheek almost lovingly, staring into her eyes. _

"_Don´t cry." He said, his voice low and even. "I know what I am, and I´m sorry, but please, don´t cry." He looked as if he was ready to burst into tears himself, but he didn´t. Heh, he had always been the strongest of them both._

_But she didn´t care about that at the time, so Asuka slapped his hand away and punched him square in the jaw, leaving him on the ground again. The scene dissolved, and suddenly she was at their apartment, walking towards the bathroom. Yes, this was one of the worst memories she held in her mind, one of the worst things she had ever witnessed. Coming from someone who had watched Armageddon and survived, it was saying something._

_This time, she was not an expectation watching her own actions, no; this was an actual reliving of a traumatic experience. She finds herself walking to the bathroom, her inner thighs feel like they are on fire, remnants of the night before. She feels dirty, uneasy, unclean. A bath cleans the body and soul Misato had once said, perhaps a bath is what she needs to stop feeling so absolutely dirty, a sentiment like this has not come since the 15__th__ raped her mind, yet it is different from the mind-rape. It is dark at night, around . Misato is asleep, drunk again after coming home too tired to even eat. The apartment is deadly quiet, no movement can be seen, heard or felt. As she nears her destinations, it comer to her attention that the bathroom light is on, yet no sound comes from inside._

_There is a feeling on her chest, something she hasn´t felt for a long time, a cold shuddering sensation that grips her heart, ah yes, fear. Cautious now, she grips the handle and slowly pushes the door open; waiting for the worst, yet nothing prepares her for what she witnesses. As she enters the small bathroom, she spots the boy sitting in the tub, naked. The knees are drawn to his chest as his body shakes with cold and something else. He does not see or acknowledge her presence; furthermore, he does not acknowledge anything. His eyes are distant, unfocused, staring at the bathroom wall. _

_She wants to scream, to hit him, to kiss him, to do something, yet she doesn´t. The boy stares unblinkingly at the wall, not bothering to even feel the freezing water around him. There is a knife on the side of the tub, sharp and ready for usage, yet it remains on the ground. Yes, this was the first time they had become one, this was the aftermath. She is glad to see no red stains on the crystalline water surrounding him, but the situation is so strange she does not know how to react. She remembers, ooh yes she does, she remembers what comes next. She touches him, grazes his shoulder with her left hand, her unscarred hand, and he flinches. But the boy does not break away from his trance, he remains on the tub. He is cold, his skin is freezing. _

_She wants to speak, but cannot. So she abandons him again, turning her back on the boy that did the same so many times. Then it begins. _

_She hears as his body rises, water spattering on the porcelain floor. A clattering sound is heard as she directs her eyes to him. He holds the knife in his hand, his left clenching and unclenching as the right grips the handle so vigorously that his knuckles turn white. His eyes remain empty pools of burned blue, yet this time he sees her, watches her, contemplates her. So this is it, she thinks, this is what´s going to happen. The boy will take his ultimate revenge on her flesh, he will take her life once and for all, as he should have done long ago. _

_He stands naked in front of her on the small bathroom. The space seems too little for them both, making Asuka feel trapped, unable to escape. The logical side of her mind knows this is a nightmare, this is not real, but it feels so real. Shinji stands facing her, knife in his hand. Slowly, he raises the weapon to his chest, the tip aiming directly at her. She braces herself for the strike that is to come closing her eyes tightly, but nothing happens. When she finally opens her eyes, she is horrified by the image that assaults her. The knife traces lines along the boy´s chest, blood oozing out of the fresh wounds. He holds the knife, expertly carving on himself, yet his eyes do not change, he does not scream nor whimper. The carving doesn´t stop._

_Soon, the marks take form and she is able to recognize the symbols on his flesh, kanji clearly stands on sight on his chest as blood continues to run down the wounds. The knife is still in his hand._

_`My Fault.´_

_Such is the message written on his flesh, written by himself. She cannot move, every sense is overloaded with terror and shock. He moves at last, his hand dropping the knife as his arms launch themselves at her and cold hands grip her shoulder. Desperate eyes search for her as insanity overwhelms his gaze. His mouth is open, berthing heavily on her face. He seems like he needs to tell her something, but cannot. _

_This is not real, she thinks, this is impossible, she thinks. Why then, does she feel his blood on her night T-shirt? Why does she smell his breath? His eyes are frantic, threatening to consume her in his madness. Finally, something is uttered from his parted lips. _

"_My fault…" Then, Shinji screams in her face. She recognizes the sound. _

_Everything dissolves and at once she is assaulted by the image of Unit 1 floating over the Geofront, at the face of Armageddon. The mighty behemoth roars as it rises to the skies, and she screams as the white predators reach closer to Unit 1, still feasting on her Evangelion. Her scream is silenced, however, when the now familiar sounds deafens her and the world all around spins and burns. Then there is darkness._

_The last thing she sees are his eyes, insanity glowing in his blue orbs as he chokes the life out of her. She can only hear him whisper, again and again…_

"_My fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, MY fault, MY FAULT; MY FAULT!!"_

_He screams in her face, and she swears she can hear her own neck snapping._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

Asuka woke with a violent jerk, breathing heavily, her skin covered by a layer of sweat. It took a moment for reality to sink in that she had just had a nightmare and was actually sitting on Shinji´s bed, clad in his school shirt. Dim light illuminated the chamber, signifying it was morning already, the smell of badly cooked eggs coming through the door indicated Misato´s failed attempt at a decent breakfast, again. How she missed Pen-Pen some days.

"Damn it…" She whispered hoarsely. If it was morning, then that meant she wouldn´t be able to weasel her way of visiting Shinji again and would have to see him with Misato hanging around. It was bound to be more than awkward.

The nightmare still fresh in her mind, Asuka rose from here bed rubbing her neck, idly recalling the feeling of his hands around it as he squeezed the life out of her. She was truly afraid of what the shy boy would do given the chance to take revenge, but she knew he would never do anything of that sort, again.

"Damn it… Stop tormenting me…"

Asuka looked out the window, breathing the cold morning breeze and gazing at the city she had learned to call home. Going back to Germany was out of the question, there was no place to run away, so she stayed in Tokyo 3, the only place where she was still somewhat welcome. Germany held nothing for her.

"Shinji…" Did she like him? Love him even? Why? He had been an idiot, a selfish bastard, a screw-up, he had abandoned her. But, he was the only one who tolerated her, the only person to listen, actually listen as she ranted about nonsense, Shinji was the only one to be there for he in any way he could, even if that meant he would get hurt again and again. The least she could do was visit and try to make things right. For once, she would get hurt herself if that brought the boy some peace. Maybe she loved him, after all.

"I… I think I´m too young to understand." She whispered to herself.

"Understand what?" The redhead spun instantly, startled by her guardian´s voice. Misato was leaning against the door frame, her brow furrowed in slight worry.

"You don´t have a stomach ache again, do you?", asked Misato skeptically. For almost a week now the girl had managed to evade visits to the hospital. Misato, knowing the girl was more than unstable had decided to give her whatever time she needed, even when she knew Asuka was just running away.

The redhead puffed her cheeks and frowned at the mention of her tactics.

"No, I don´t have a stomach ache, Misato," she answered hotly, glaring playfully at the purple-haired mother-figure in front of her, "I feel fine, thanks for asking."

"Yeah, sure," answered Misato, smiling faintly at the sarcasm in Asuka´s voice. "You want some breakfast?"

Asuka grimaced at the idea of consuming the bio-hazardous acid Misato called soup or the horrible attempt at making eggs and _coffee_. How someone could actually ruin coffee was still a mystery to her.

"No thanks, I´ll make something for myself thank you very much." Asuka smirked as her guardian´s face turned red in indignation and her cheeks puffed in anger.

"Fine then, Mrs. I´m-too-good-to-eat-perfectly-good-food, you can go ahead and cook for yourself, you ungrateful brat!" With that, Misato stuck out her tongue and closed the door with mock-anger.

Alone once again, Asuka´s shoulders sank. She felt undeserving of the care she received from Misato and the tranquility she felt when in Shinji´s room. She´d have to go see him, and there was no running away this time.

* * *

"- _the reports so far are inconclusive. What we do now at this point is that there´s a great lack of supplies both in the UN refugee camps as well as some third-world nations, such as Cambodia and Vietnam, which are suffering a severe lack clean water and proper living conditions. The damage so far to the crops and overall production of the United States is insufficient to support the growing population and the still crashed economy. Furthermore, the uncertainty grows in the world´s populations regarding the question of how and why the so called Third Impact has come to pa_-"

Switch.

"_In other news, a new riot occurred in Singapore at 5 o'clock local time. Two men are reported severely injured in the incident. Our sources have confirmed that the fight took place when the distribution of food and water to the refugees was interrupted by two young men in the search for supplies for their families. The young men were then viciously assaulted by UN officials and then left to the_-"

Switch.

"_You wanted me, here I am. "_

"_I wanted to see what you do, and you didn´t disappoint. You let five people die… then; you let Dent take your place. Even to a guy like me that´s cold." _

"_Where´s Dent?"_

"_Those mob fools want you gone so they can get back to the way things were, but I know the truth. There´s no going back, you´ve changed things. Forever."_

"_Then why do you want to kill me?"  
_

"_Mujajajajajaja!! I don´t… I don´t wanna kill you! What would I do without you? Get back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, no, no, You complete M-"_

Switch.

"-_more of this as it develops. This is just in, we´ve received a confirmation that the former Third Child, Ikari Shinji was admitted to NERV´s hospital in Tokyo 3 after what it appears to be a case of domestic violence. So far, NERV has refuses to leak out any information regarding Ikari´s condition or the severity of his injuries. For more than a week and half the boy has remained in the confinements of the reconstructed Geo-Front with no contact to the outside world. We´ve tried to interview his friends, but they seem to be forbidden from speaking of the boy´s condition by the very organ_-"

Switch. Off.

Shinji sighed.

TV was, for a lack of a better term, as boring as always. Just as he remembered, there was always someone suffering or some new terror haunting the big cities. Nowadays, news covered everything related to Third Impact and NERV, as was to be expected. The media had been one of the first businesses to get back on its feet and thankfully so had NERV. Had it not been for the organization´s influence he´d be surrounded by cameras and annoying photographers all day long. He had suffered such attention months before, and that experience had taught him he´d be very happy of the media never, ever got involved in his life again.

"God, this is so booooring!" Truth be told, Shinji was starting to lose his sanity in the stupid white room he was confined in. He was already on the verge of a breakdown from the tenuous physical therapy sessions, which left him feeling like Unit One had taken the liberty of stepping on him repeatedly, on top of that, he couldn´t go and sleep it off because the hospital staff had reduced both the serum treatment as well as the blessed muscle-relaxants. SO, he couldn´t sleep for half the day and when he slept, he had nightmares. On top of that, the pain from the injuries was letting itself known with the reduced doses of anesthetics. Oh, and he had to go around with the stupid IV wherever he went, the only good thing about being able to move was the fact that he could go to the bathroom unassisted. Never mind the fact that he was on the verge of collapsing from pain every time he exerted himself.

"Nothing decent on TV… that movie with the weird guy with paint looked kinda interesting I guess…" Shinji slumped deeper into his mattress, wondering when someone, anyone, even a nurse would come through the door and brighten his miserable day. Sure, he was treated like a king and could technically call a nurse at any given time, but he didn´t feel like making the hospital staff believe he was a snobby brat.

"This is lame."

He missed Asuka. There, he admitted it. Even after all they had gone through, even with all she had put him through there was no denying that she kept life interesting around the house.

_I am so messed up, I keep idolizing the crazy girl that uses me as a punching bag… I´m so fucked up…_

As always, some sort of depressing memory kept him from enjoying the relative peace provided by the temporary retirement from his duties in the household. The boy could honestly say he was glad for the silence of the room and the kindness of the nurses in charge of feeding and tending him, but the damn boredom as starting to make him crazy. Nothing decent on TV, no friends to talk to, no energy to carry him around, he felt miserable. On top of the boredom, Ritsuko had designed a special diet for him, because apparently he was too skinny and his immune system was on the verge of collapsing. The young Ikari had never been one to eat large amounts of food, and now he had to literally wolf down mountains of tasteless, horribly cooked hospital food. His friends, always so attentive, brought him snacks and home-cooked meals (in Hikari´s case) that he gladly devoured, but they could only visit so much.

Left with nothing better to do than sulk about the lack of proper entertainment material in the useless box called television, Shinji boiled in his boredom.

Then the door opened.

The boy´s neck gave an audible crack as he directed his eyes to the door, two blue eyes glistering with endless hope, only to be brought down as the nurse leant her head out the door, looking sheepish.

"Oh… Umm, hi Misaku-san. How are you today?" Asked the boy, smiling faintly at the nurse.

"Hi! I'm great, Shinji, thanks for asking! I´m sorry to disturb you, Shinji-kun, but… it´s time for your therapy." Said the nurse, accentuating her cheerfulness to painfully obvious false levels. She knew the sessions took a lot out of him, but hell, if she could get a small smile out if him from time to time, then… then she would tolerate seeing him in pain on a daily basis, even when it hurt so much to watch him suffer, the boy that had already suffered so much for them all.

If even after all of that pain he had gone through, she could get him to smile for a second, then it would be worth it.

Shinji rolled his eyes in aggravation, biting down a curse and some few colorful insults to the insufferable bastard that had invented physical therapy exercises.

"Oh. Woopidee doo." Replied the boy sarcastically.

* * *

Asuka found herself hating Third Impact, and not for the obvious reasons. If there was something she missed dearly was the ability to use a freaking car, even if that meant having to predigest everything she ate in order not to puke when driving with Misato. The woman seemed to be hell bent on breaking every one of the transit laws while induced under the effects of alcohol. Be that as it may, she´d rather suffer the near-death experience that was Misato´s driving than walking down the broken roads of Tokyo 3.

Misato, having drank a beer before leaving as custom demanded, was happily strutting on the road, occasionally jumping over a piece of debris. What had gotten her in such a good mood was still a mystery to the redhead. She walked happily under the light sunlight, unaffected by the cold breeze.

The bowl felt heavy on her arm, and she wished she had remembered to bring a sweater; the weather was starting to turn chilly. She wondered how things would go this time, how Misato´s presence would influence in her behavior regarding Shinji. She hoped everything turned out alright.

"Heeey, whatcha thinking?"

Asuka seethed silently, attempting in vain to maintain her calm demeanor. Just what the hell was wrong with that woman?

"Nothing." Uttered the angry teen, wondering if Misato had taken some Valium on her way out.

"You seem awfully happy today. Good screwing last night or something?" _There, _she thought happily as Misato´s face list the smile and the Mayor´s cheeks flushed bright scarlet.

"NO! Not that´s any of your business anyway, but I do have a reason to be happy today." Announced Misato proudly. Asuka merely lifted an eyebrow as she evaded a big piece of rock.

"Yeah, right. So, mind telling me what that is?"

"Noooooo." Replied Misato, hopping along happily. Asuka frowned, gripping the bowl´s holder tightly. This time, she made a nice stew with chicken, shrimp and vegetables. The young redhead didn´t know so much about cooking, but necessity for once had let itself known as Misato´s food turned bio-hazardous. Her first try at stew and she had gotten it right, that was the reason for her own good mood. She felt quite proud of such an accomplishment, the only thing that would help brighten her day even more was getting Shinji´s opinion on her creation.

"Bah, whatever. You´re such a child sometimes." Puffing her cheeks again, Misato glared at Asuka, but decided to let it slide this time.

"You´re the one to talk." Muttered the older woman, deciding to not allow her high spirits to dampen under any circumstances. Finally, after all that hard work, she found someone willing to take her responsibilities answering to the United Nations and the governments. Finally, no more work outside or NERV and a limited schedule on her part, she was a happy puppy.

She´d be able to spend more time around her male charge, and she´d be able to watch Asuka´s behavior and try to figure out just what was wrong with her. Aside from the fact that she´d had a horrible childhood and had been a part of the end of the world. She knew some of the things that had transpired during Instrumentality, but most of it was fuzzy and unclear. By talking to the girl she could understand when Shinji and Asuka´s relationship had turned into a sick codependence.

Hopping along, she decided to forget about it and concentrate on dodging the rocks around her. The entrance to the massive not-so underground surface (The big crater on top of most of Tokyo 3 left the Geo-Front quite discovered to the common eye), could be seen, and in an instant Misato´s good mood went straight to the toilet.

NERV´s main entrance elevator was stuffed, literally stuffed with what seemed to be reporters, cameramen and paparazzi. Oh, how she hated these bastards, always sticking their dirty noses where they didn´t belong.

Asuka felt her heart skip a beat as they neared the entrance of the Geo-Front. She had never been a patient person, but reporters were one thing she definitely could not stand. She felt like strangling the meddling bastards every time they tried to get some piece of gossip about them. God, how she hated them.

So off they walked, two young women with growing frowns going straight to the belly of the beast. Given their background, both women knew that sooner or later the word would get out and the media would have a feast with their "family" situation. Well, the poor bastards were about to get a good earful of exactly what the young women thought of them.

"Look! It´s the Second and the Mayor!!"

…and all hell broke loose…

It was a truly impressive sight, for an ordinary observer. The speed with which the photographers, reporters and paparazzi moved was truly astonishing, the need that shined in their unforgiving eyes glimmered with lust for information. At once, they attacked without mercy.

"What are your comments on Ikari Shiji´s state?!"

"Is it truly a case of domestic violence?"

"Are you involved in the UN´s withdrawal of funds to the country?!"

"Can you tell us anything about Third Impact?! Why does NERV refuse to publish all the information!?"

"Ms. Langley, are you involved in a physical relationship with the Third Child? Is it true you have sadomasochism tendencies?"

"Asuka! Misato! Over here!"

"Just one more picture, can you turn on your side?"

"How bad are Ikari´s injuri-"

-BANG!!!-

Even more astonishing than watching the media agents run to fresh gossip was watching them run for cover while attempting to record the events transpiring.

Misato shot her gun again for good measure. She wasn´t about to let the sly bastards of the media ruin her good mood or Asuka´s relative stability.

"Alright all of you! This is government territory and you are NOT cleared to be here! Leave now, or you WILL be shot!!"

And that was that. Muttering angry remarks amongst themselves, the media gents were left once again with their cameras confiscated and their prides and dignities diminished by the unholy organization called NERV. Satisfied with the results of her weapon, Misato placed it back in it´s holster and breathed a sign of relief. Turning back to Asuka, she motioned for the girl to follow along to the main elevator.

The visage around the once proud Geo-Front was still somewhat depressing, even after the intensive reconstruction. The crater that was once the center of Tokyo 3 was being closed little by little, as the buildings rose once again. However, the effects of the massive explosion in the city had devastated everything, which meant starting from scratch, which in turn required massive manual labor and steady income to be completed. Both items were lacking, therefore, Tokyo 3 still looked like a massive crater, and the Geo-Front appeared to be a slowly reviving no man´s land.

As they came down the elevator, both women were able to appreciate the efficiency of modern technology. Almost half the base was already reconstructed; the signs of Asuka´s fight with the MP Evas and the explosion were slowly fading. The massive pyramid stood proudly in it´s rightful place.

None of them talked on the way down to the infirmary ward. The good mood that had blossomed in the morning had all but dried out thanks to the media´s intromission and the crude reminder that they´d have to face reality at some point. The situation was extremely ugly, as a matter of fact, if the government and Social Services decided to stick their noses in the issue, then everything would fall apart. A new wave of stress descended upon the young redhead, and worry edged yet again on Misato´s gaze.

Together, quietly, they went to visit the one person holding them together.

* * *

Said person was being literally tortured at the moment, at least that was what he would´ve said had someone asked him about it. Physical therapy with a damn cast on your arm and your ribs broken was the worst punishment he could possibly imagine. Just walk, they said. Breath, they said. Breath deeper, they said. Yeah, sure, never mind the fact that he felt an orchestra of broken glasses moved alongside his chest whenever he breathed deeply or exercised. The doctors had said that he needed to get his diaphragm back in shape, but hell, he didn´t even had two weeks with the stupid serum on his system and the already wanted him to do therapy.

"Ugggh! Ok, that´s it, I can´t do this anymore." Slumping against the wall with a painful grunt, Shinji gave up. The boy was sweating profusely, trying to breath and failing miserably. The nurse, a young brunette of 20 something years old, left the stall Shinji had been using to support himself and exercise in order to help him breath more easily.

The white halls surrounding them bared witness of the former Third Child´s effort. Thin windows allowed a clear view of the half-made environment of the Geo-Front, as white, sterile walls ran down the exercise room. The boy had been turning on his damaged left side to allow lung expansion and a good blood oxygenation, that alone had almost drained all the energy out of him from the intense pain.

He had been sitting with some sort of machine called a spirometer that was supposed to measure and strengthen the use of his lungs, but it hurt a bit too much to blow on the damn thing for too long. He still had trouble breathing for heaven´s sake.

"Ok, Shinji, you did well. Now, as we talked, inhale slowly, try to make it log, then slowly exhale. Take it easy honey, you´re doing great." Encouraged the nurse happily, loosening Shinji´s bandages a bit so he was able to breath without so much pain.

After a long pause and a quick change of bandages Shinji was back in his bed, sulking about his precarious situation, his intense pain and the absolute lack of anything decent to watch. So, there he lay, thinking about his latest nightmare and the horrors he had suffered in it. He couldn't help getting depressed, there was nothing to do, nothing to clean or cook, nothing to occupy his mind with so he wouldn't have to think about the_ fact that he fucking killed everyone and was the one person responsible for the whole fucking Armageddon and-_

The door opened, allowing the boy´s roommates to enter his small room. The first thing both young women noticed was the absence of some of the advanced machines once stationed next to the boy´s bed.

Shinji raised his gaze hopefully, an honest smile forming on his face as he saw both Misato and Asuka. The smell of something delicious assaulted his nostrils almost immediately, making his stomach remember it was hungry and displeased with its owner. For once in eight months, Shinji didn't flinch under Asuka´s gaze.

"Hi." Said the redhead, smiling almost shyly at him, gripping the trey with the stew closer to her. Misato wore a somewhat satisfied smile of her own.

"Hi." Answered Shinji, smiling even more.

* * *

The liquid around him exploded from his mouth as numb arms and legs carried a tired, worn body to shore. As his body contacted the soft, welcoming sand of the beach, the exhausted limbs gave out and he collapsed to the ground.

There he lay for a long time, waiting for energy and reason to return, waiting for his senses to individualize and for his notion of self to solidify. He _felt _again, and tried opening the appendages on his face, which reacted by fluttering open, allowing him to see, actually see for the first time in ages, or days, or months. The brightness of the morning sun burned into his eyes, yet he did not move.

Memories slowly dissolved and took shape in his mind, as the hastiness and emptiness of Instrumentality disappeared. His body was still not strong enough to function, he knew, yet he forced it to move. He had things to do, promises to keep. As was to be expected, he could not feel his right hand at all, it was the only part of his body that wasn´t numbs and in pain.

Ignoring the agony, he pushed himself to his stomach and attempted to slowly lift himself up. Groaning, he managed to finally stand, as his legs wobbled and threatened to give under the weight. It felt as if it was his first time walking, and in a way, it was. Finally managing to steady the shaking in his legs, he moved his head.

Clenching his left hand and frowning deeply, Ikari Gendou glared at the world for what it felt like the first time.

The world, unfazed, glared right back.

TBC...

AN:So, yeah. You´re probably wondering what the hell happened to me to bring that guy back. Well, you´ll have to wait and see haha. I really hope you liked this chapter and again I apologize for lettring so much time pass between updates, but I needed a vacation you see haha, anyway, I´m already working on the next chappy, so stay tuned! Remember! Reviews=Writing Power! Please review! PEACE.

D.B

Inspirational Music: Lost for Words, Any Color You like-Pink Floyd; Song of the Dispossesed-Dead Can Dance; No Remorse, The Four Horsemen-Metallica; Reverie/Harlequim Forest-Opeth.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Well, first of all, I owe everyone a humungous apology for the delay, but you have to understand, right now I'm in the middle of a scholarship in Cuba, and it's very hard, so i harldly find the time to write or get inspired to do so in the first place, but this story doesn't leave my mind for one day. I worked really hard on it, and I sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter. Anyways, sorry again for the delay, and i hope you enjoy this chappy. PEACE! I don't own anything, LOL.

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter Eight. Seventh Act: Somewhere Around Nothing**  
**

Comfort

Such an elusive, painful feeling. Long have humans sought the rewarding, warm embrace of comfort, long have they forgotten how important such a simple thing as a hug can be. The intoxicating sensation of the warmth of another human being is the single most addictive sensation on the face of the earth. In the cold, dark night, when you are all by yourself, truly and truthfully by yourself, with nothing but the whisper of the deep red ocean to lull you to sleep and the cold, hard ground as your only bed, you wonder just what happened to the hand which caressed your face in the dark, you wonder just how to fight the cold of a world out of your reach. Perhaps it is that faraway desire to feel, to share another's warmth and care what impulses the best and worst of our actions. That never-ending need to fill the void in our hearts.

For long I've wondered if that is what has affected my development as a functioning person. For as long as I can remember, I have fleeting memories of a woman's smile and comfort, of a gentle laugh and a loving caress. That memory is stained now, stained by the truth of things. What have I done, I wonder sometimes, to deserve such a life? Besides the fact that I singlehandedly murdered every last human on this earth, of course. My life has been filled with lies since my birth, lies that were uncovered when I joined with the rest of mankind. It was comforting, if only for a while, to know at last. What was the cost, though?

I lost everything. Every person I cared about, however few they were, no longer look at me the same anymore. Maybe because they had the chance to see how much of a fuck up I am. Nobody looks at me the same. I remember that back when I was a simple nobody I sought the acknowledgement of those around me, and now that I can't walk down the street without being stared at, I miss the days when I could walk unnoticed. Some say I'm a god or something like that, people stop me in the street and thank me profusely, and every time that happens I have to fight so hard the urge to cry. Others spit on my feet, push me, insult me and hate me, I think that's what I deserve, to be hated. In the midst of it all, I lost the one person who truly acknowledged me, the one person I loved and hated so much, the one person who I thought would not be indifferent to my existence.

Comfort. I did what I did for comfort. You wanna know why I killed everyone? Because nobody cared, nobody comforted me, nobody gave a shit about me, or Asuka, or Rei, and I got sick of being used, of being pushed and forced to do horrible things to people I cared so much for. I never wanted to beat Asuka's score, if that bastard hadn't called me to pilot that monstrosity, Asuka would have never started to hate me, but then again, had the bastard not called me, I would have never met her, or Rei, or Misato. I keep wondering now, if it was a good thing.

After the world ended, there was only me for a while, I don't know how much time I spent alone, then it was Asuka me for a week, well, it was all me for 3 days, because she ran away. I'd never say that to her face of course, but I know damn well that she ran away from me. Not that I blame her, though. I tried to kill her, I tried to kill her, and I… I don't know why. Wait, I do know why. She rejected me when I needed her the most. It was so hard to hold yourself together in that place, to keep the things that made you yourself inside and to keep others out. She saw inside me, saw the horrible, disgusting thing I did to her, she saw into me and was obviously disgusted by the things that make me who I am. I… can't say that I deserved to be saved by her, but maybe, if she was a bit more understanding, a bit more caring, maybe she could have helped me. If she would have at least acknowledged me, even to insult and hate me, it would have been enough. Indifference though, I couldn't take it. I needed her help, and she refused.

Oh. Yeah. I didn't help her either. I allowed her to be eaten alive, I let Misato die; I abandoned Rei, my own sister. So why would anyone bother to help me, anyway? I understand that now, after eight months of thinking and suffering. I deserve it, all of it.

Some of you might be wondering why I didn't kill her, Asuka I mean. Why I didn't stop strangling her after the world ended. I'll tell you why. She acknowledged my existence, if only to touch me for that single second. She's like me, in a way. She's never had any comfort in her life, only people lying and using her, hurting her and letting her suffer. Even Kaji. I've actually come to hate that man, that terrible man and his lies. He was the same as everyone, only using her and playing with her emotions so she'd had a higher synch radio. I told her that one time, and she pummeled me to the ground. It's okay, I've come to get used to her abuse. Of all the people I've hurt and maimed, of all the people I've let down, I let her down the most, and I think that point has been made clear.

Asuka has every right to do anything she wants to me. You're probably wondering why I let her do all the things she does to me, why I just sit there and take the abuse as it comes, why I allow her to use me as a sex toy and a human punching bag. Well, I don't have an answer for you. It feels right, to be punished by her. I know I'm being selfish, but that's all I know how to do right. I'm selfish like that, I let her do anything she wants because it makes me feel a bit less sick with myself every time she does. It's my punishment for the thing I did, for the things I've done.

It's so hard sometimes, though. I tried to kill myself you know, after the first time we… had sex. I really don't know what to do when she demands it, I just know my body reacts on its own and, well, I promised I'd do anything for her. Now you must be wondering why I promised her that after she threw a cup of hot noodles to my face, or maybe you don't give jack shit about my promise or anything I'm blabbering about, but anyway. I know she doesn't care about it, but I do.

I… I owe it to Asuka. I let her die, I could have saved her, I could have saved Misato and Maya and Shigeru and Aoba and everyone, but I sat on my pathetic ass and let soldiers kill the only mother I've ever known, then I let monsters eat Her alive… ALIVE. I can hear her screaming, every night I see it, the beasts feasting on her. Every time I see the small lines around her body, the small line on her eye I remember, and it torments me.

Now all of my friends look at me with pity shining in their eyes when I'm sitting on this damn bed, and it sickens me. Why the fuck should they pity me? They don't know anything, and they have no right whatsoever to mingle in me and Asuka's business. She's the only real thing I have left on this earth, the only human being that actually understands what I am and what I deserve. You can call me a wimp and a crazy bastard, but I don't care.

Now though, things have changed. I feel so afraid of her, so terrified every time she turns her eyes to me. I don't know why, I really don't. Before, I was able to withstand all of her abuse, but she's never been so brutal before, she's never put me in a hospital like this. I think a part of me is afraid of dying, maybe because I know there's a special place in hell reserved only for me. I'm still afraid of death, even after all that's happened.

But now I see something different in her eyes, something strange. My conscience, the rotten being who to this day torments my dreams and my mind reminds me time and time again just what she feels for me, yet I can't help but hope as I gaze into her eyes and see something else inside them besides hatred. It doesn't really matter, though. Nothing can erase what's been done, nothing can erase what I have done to her, to everyone. But why does she keep staring at me like that? Can you tell me? Please? I don't understand… I don't understand! Damnit! I don't know what to do!!! Please, tell me what I've done for her to look at me like that? It makes me feel so useless, so strange. Can she please stop looking at me like that? Please…

Please… Just hate me, don't make me suffer like this…

Please…

Just…

Hate me…

* * *

After the initial greeting a sepulchral silence descended upon both the occupant and the visitors of the small white hospital room. None moved, as if frightened that their next move might alter the already stressed atmosphere which seemed to embrace them. The redheaded girl and her guardian stared in silence at the boy sitting on the bed, delicately observing is change in appearance in him. Shinji looked quite better, the bruises on his face had healed, leaving nothing behind. His face, if slim and still sickly looking appeared to be fuller. To Misato he almost appeared to be in the same state he had been that day when she had picked him up. Had it not been for his eyes, which reflected the tired and sad gaze of a man beyond his age, he almost appeared healthy; it would seem the serum had done miracles to his recovery. Finally something good had come out of the curse that was Eva.

Both the boy and the girl refused to gaze at one another, one choosing to stare at the trey in her hands and other directing his own gaze to the cast on his right arm. Moving, speaking or even breathing too loudly was evaded by te three of them. After everything the broken family had gone through, they no longer knew how to behave around each other.

"So…"

As was to be expected, it was Misato who managed to rupture the icy atmosphere in the room.

"So… Umm… How, how have you been?" Asked Shinji, attempting to smile again and failing miserably. Asuka seemed to stiffen at the very sound of his voice, which seemed extremely strange considering she had just given him one of her most sincere smiles just a moment before. The trey trembled in her hands.

"Oh fine, fine Shinji, you know how well I can take care of things around the house. You know, stick everything in the closet and hope it doesn't fall apart." Answered Misato, attempting some of her humor. Needless to say, nobody laughed, but Shinji did raise an unbelieving eyebrow.

The older woman could clearly see the uncertainty in her female charge, the redhead's body language spoke volumes; the girl had no idea of what to do, so yet again Misato decided to take matters into her own hands.

"So… Asuka made something for you." The redhead finally gave a sign of life, turning to glare colorfully at her guardian for forcing her to take active part in the conversation.

Shinji blushed deeply at the comment, deciding to be guided by his nose, which was happily chatting with his brain about his stomach, who decided to let itself known.

"Really?" asked the boy, feeling flabbergasted and somewhat flattered by the gesture. "You… shouldn't have…" A small part of his brain told him that the trey could very well end up on his face, or on the wall. Very carefully, Shinji looked at Asuka, noticing that she was focusing her gaze on anything but him.

"Yeah, this is for you, idiot." Not mustering up the courage to look at Shinji in the face, Asuka simply put the trey on his lap, ignoring yet again the tremors and pure terror the boy's body language exuded for the single second she came close to him.

Misato sat on the chair next to Shinji's bed, watching the interaction with interest. Something was seriously wrong, and it took no genius to know it. Shinji was not touching the trey, he was, as a matter of fact, staring straight at Asuka, who was looking at the ground, standing a foot or two away from the boy's bed. It felt as though a violent fight was about to break off, the atmosphere was electrified, the air seemed thick with stress and there was of course the fact that Asuka was there, and Asuka could not control her temper. Or at least that was what Misato thought.

Chaos was reigning inside the young redhead's mind, she had no idea what to do or how to act, so she simply decided to stare at the ground. Her shoes were no longer shining, they were in fact dirty and unkempt, her hair was a mess of tangles and curls and her dress was stiff, since she had no idea of how to administer the softener in the laundry machine. She just wanted to run away, she felt dirty and horrible and simply wanted to leave, but she could not. Shinji had still not tasted her stew.

"Asuka, is something wrong?" No stuttering, no second guessing himself. Shinji had asked her a direct question without looking like a wimp. Both Misato and Asuka were shocked, so shocked in fact, that they were both speechless.

"W… What do you mean, idiot?" Asked Asuka, fighting hard not to stutter and looking at him in the eye for the first time. Shinji stared at her, worry edging in his calm gaze.

"I… you look like you haven't slept in days, Asuka. Is something wrong?" Shinji seemed awfully decided to find out what was wrong with her, and it was starting to choke whatever mental stability she had been able to obtain. Since when was that any of his business, anyway?

"Nothing's wrong. Are you eating or what?" She hadn't meant to sound so biting, she truly hadn't, but old habits do die hard. She was about to apologize, but Misato's glare petrified her so instead she chose to relax her fists instead. Fuck, fuck, she had done it again.

Shinji reacted as was expected, he recoiled as if struck by a punch and lowered his head. Misato glared hotly at the girl, ready to toss her out of the room from her hair, but she knew better than that, if she did that Shinji would feel guilty about it and get even more depressed.

"Sorry…," said the boy pitifully. "Um… this… looks delicious…" Shinji's voice disappeared at the end of his sentence. Feeling pathetic again, he picked up the spoon next to the trey and started to slowly eat the stew.

"Um… it's awesome…. Thanks, Asuka."

"Yeah… I'm… glad you like it…"

* * *

The former Supreme Commander of the most powerful organization in the world walked on a slow pace, attempting not to fall flat on his face again, clumsily evading the rocks and debris all around him. A monstrous headache threatened to crack his skull open, and his body felt like it had been beaten by a furious mob. None of it came to notice, though, no, the person who had once been the most powerful, influential man on earth was observing his handiwork quite carefully. So this was what it had all come down to. An empty paradise which held only bitter truths for him, a broken promise to a woman who had manipulated him and their only son to achieve a pathetic, empty objective. This was what his life's work had been reduced to, ashes and blood.

How much blood did he have on his hand? How much of it had he given to his only son, to the boy he had used and tortured to insanity? Of all the things he had done, of all the lives he had ruined and destroyed, he regretted his son's the most. The sound, the horrifying scream of Shinji loosing what was left of his sanity would haunt him for the rest of his life, however short it proved to be. Had it all truly been for nothing?, he asked himself, and it took nothing more than a gaze at the run-down buildings, the people on the streets begging for some change, the darkened sky, to convince himself that yes, it had all been for nothing.

Ikari Gendou, for once in his life, allowed himself to feel the weight of his actions fall upon him. There was no scenario left to ponder about, no immediate threat to make him forget just how much he had actually done, just how far he had gone to be with a woman who hadn't cared for him in the first place. Oh, how he had fucked it up, so very completely.

Over the ruined buildings he could hear machines working, hammers slamming and trucks driving about. So there was life, after all. He was aware that his son had been the first to return, and that he had spent a good week by himself before the Second had decided to return. How he knew this, he was not certain. The only thing certain in his mind was that he had to make it right. He had to fix whatever he could, not even for himself, but for his son. The boy did not deserve his punishment, and it had taken Armageddon for him to understand that it was, by all means, not Shinji's fault. Heh, he probably had no right to even call the boy by his name.

So on he walked, directed towards his own certain doom, yet unafraid. He would face his son, and then he would face the rest of the world. So on he walked, loosing himself in the vast crowd of people moving towards Tokyo 3. This was it. The elder Ikari watched the sun glare from above, mocking him with it's greatness and magnificence, as if daring him to turn back and flee. There was a sign ahead of him, burnt and damaged almost beyond recognition, yet the words on it were as clear as day to him.

'Welcome to Tokyo Three'

The sun kept glaring at him, as the world seemed to mock his weakness, his uselessness. Run, mocked the world to its destroyer. Run, run and hide, coward, it screamed at his face. Run away, that's all you Ikaris do right.

"No." Said the former Commander to himself.

"I will not run away."

* * *

Asuka still stood next to Shinji's bed; her hands were at her sides, useless. She wanted to cry. She had fucked it up again, it seemed like it was impossible for her to act like a normal human being, specially towards Shinji. It made her angry when he acted like a fearless hero, because it always seemed to remind her of his failure to her, and she thought she had been able to grow out the anger.

_Dammit, _she thought, _I can't do anything. Damnit, damnit…_

Shinji ate slowly, rejoicing in the stew's sweet flavor. It was, by far, the best meal he'd had in months, but he seemed to be unable to enjoy it to its fullest. The beast's words kept repeating themselves in his head again and again.

"_**So, do you still believe she made that soup for you out of the kindness of her heart?'" **_

"_**She just felt bad for your pathetic state and decided to indulge you with her presence, not like you deserve it, anyways, or do you?"**_

_Shut up_

"_**Hehehehehe… Don´t you just love it when your little lap dog is well trained?**_

_Shut up!!!!!!!_

Trying hard to concentrate on his meal, Shinji hardly noticed how Asuka's face slowly relaxed as she saw how much he was actually enjoying her creation, it felt as though a big weight had been taken off her shoulders.

Silence reigned in the small room, the only distinct sound being Shinji's spoon as he ate. Every time he closed his eyes, the deformed face of his tormentor appeared, rejoicing in his constant misery. He tried to simply enjoy the meal brought to him, trying to ignore the feeling that somehow he'd get hit or insulted anytime soon. Misato's presence did little to ease his mind, he knew well that the woman cared for him, but Instrumentality and eight months of psychological torture had taken its toll on him. Misato had used him as well as Asuka and Rei, she had used them to fight her own personal battle, she had sent Asuka to her death and had sent him to his torment. Misato had allowed Asuka to so what she wanted with him, choosing to get drunk after work instead of taking care of them, like she had promised. He no longer knew what to think of her.

After some time of total silence, Shinji was done with his meal.

"That… was… _buuuurpp"_

"…"

"Uh, should I consider that a compliment, or should I just smack you on the head?" asked Asuka, fighting to keep her face straight and forcing her lip not to curl upwards. Needless to say, Shinji blushed deep scarlet. Finally, the cold environment was broken when Misato's laughter filled the room. The woman was laughing so hard that she fell from her chair and squirmed about in the floor. Unable to keep her face straight, Asuka soon joined her guardian, both of them hollering laughter at unhealthy levels. The redhead had to actually support herself on Shinji's bed so she too wouldn't fall on the floor.

To Shinji, hearing Asuka laugh so purely, so sincerely, with no hint of malice whatsoever was worth being tied to a bed for a month. It was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, so he lifted his head, cheeks still red, and smiled. The first smile he had not forced in years. He joined his roommates, his weird, dysfunctional and broken family in laughter and carelessness.

Suddenly the world didn't seem as bad or as cold and unforgiving as before, suddenly there was a newborn hope for the better.

But good things, as they say, are not meant to last.

The humor-induced ecstasy didn't allow them to listen the door sliding open, nor did it allow them to gaze upon Shinji's newly arrived visits. Since he was a special patient, there was no limit to the amount of visitors he could have, yet, had anyone known of his particular situation, that anyone would have been wiser as to let the present people be in the same room together.

Touji, Kensuke and Hikari were all but flabbergasted at the scene before them. Shinji, Misato and Asuka laughing together like they'd just smoked a pound of some very good ganja. Just what the hell was going on? Misato was rolling on the ground, holding her stomach for her dear life, Asuka as holding onto Shinji's bed as not to fall and follow her guardian on the ground. Shinji himself was trying to not lose control, obviously thinking about his injuries, yet it seemed that his wounds were the last thing on his mind at the moment.

Growing impatient and feeling insulted, Hikari's mood darkened instantly. There was one thing she did not want to see at the moment, and that something was cracking off right besides the person she'd bothered to put him in the hospital in the first place.

"Hm mhm." Hikari cleared her throat rather loudly, feeling Touji's hand tighten around her own. The three laughing subjects, however, heard nothing. Nostrils flaring, she was about to yell when Touji beat her to it.

"Yo, Shin-Man! We were just dropping off for a visit, but we can come back later if you want." Said the boy, almost yelling. That got the attention of the room occupants, who reacted differently to their presence. Misato seemed to sober up from her outburst, Shinji himself calmed down a bit, still trying to control the giggles that escaped his battered chest. Asuka, though, froze completely if only for just a second before assuming a hostile, defensive pose. She didn't seem to be at all pleased with their presence.

"You can leave, monkey, we're busy here as you can see." Commented the redhead venomously, narrowing her eyes at the three distinct glares that fell upon her. "Unless your primitive brain can't process that simple information, of course." Added the girl, pushing the knife further.

"Come on, guys," Muttered Shinji almost desperately, attempting to control an already disastrous situation. "We can all stay and have some fun…"

Hikari's face, crimson red from anger until that moment, lost its color when faced with Asuka's bitter comments, yet she was not intimidated. She chose to attack her former best friend in a more political way. Squeezing Touji's hand, who seemed about ready to launch himself at Asuka at any given moment, she attacked in her own, uniquely cruel way.

"Miss Misato, are you sure it's safe for Shinji to have that _freak_ in the same room as him? I mean, she _is_ the one that put him in that bed in the first place… Maybe you should get a restraining order Shinji; you never know what monsters like her are capable of."

Asuka was standing in front of Shinji in a strange, protective way. Her fists were tight enough to draw blood, yet she didn't answer anything back. Hikari was right, after all.

"Yeah, I think you should have her arrested for assault or something like that, Miss Misato, that bitch is very dangerous." Chipped Kensuke, smiling almost sadistically. It wasn't long before Touji included his own dark thoughts in the discussion.

"Yeah, the Red Devil, you really give honor to that name, heh, to think I stood your damn presence for so long in school. You should be packed and sent back to your miserable country, maybe then Shinji can find some peace of mind."

Asuka's frown deepened even more, she could feel hatred running like fire through her veins, yet she held her tongue. So hard was she fighting to not lose control that she could taste blood where she was biting her lip.

"Come on you guys, don't make me throw you out of here…" Said Misato softly, trying in vain to relax the tense atmosphere.

"No!!" Screamed Hikari suddenly. "If there's anyone that should be thrown out of here, it's her!! She's the reason Shinji's in the hospital!!"

"Yeah!" Added Kensuke hotly. "You shouldn't let her anywhere near him, she's a crazy bitch!"

"The only thing she's good at is hurting the Shin-Man, hell, she wasn't even any good in her damn Eva." Said Touji, poison leaking from his voice. Relentless, the insults continued.

Of course, in the middle of the open war against Asuka's presence, everyone in the room failed to notice Shinji's change of mood. With every insult directed towards Asuka, he felt rage unlike any other build inside him like a deadly current threatening to consume him completely. He could stand anything people directed his way, as long as it was him who was offended. No-one, NO ONE had the right to insult Asuka, they had no idea what she had been through, what she had suffered. Such a thing would not stand.

"You crazy slut! You put my friend in the hospital! Get back to Germany and leave us alone!"

"You should have never come here, you've brought Misato and Shinji nothing but heartache."

"Guys, I'm serious, if you keep this up I'll throw you out for good…"

"Go ahead! I'd just love to see you protect that bitch who put _your_ Shinji in a hospital! You're just as bad as her if you do that!"

"Stop it…"

"She shouldn't be allowed to be here!! She's the reason he's in that bed, damnit!"

"I said stop it…."

"Guys…"

"You bitch! What the fuck do you have to say for yourself, huh? What's your excuse to be here? Came to finish the job, right!?"

"Stop…"

"I hate you! Get away from here, you damn bitch!!"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!" Roared Shinji, enraged. His outburst came with a high price, though. As soon as he yelled, he started coughing violently, the machines around him ticking like crazy. Amazingly enough, Asuka turned her back on her attackers as soon as Shinji coughed, forgetting them completely.

"Shinji?! Shinji are you okay? Don't strain yourself!." Asuka wore a worried expression, hoping for the best yet fearing the worst. What if Shinji had reopened his wounds?

The boy, however, was busy getting his breathing in control and glaring hell at his so called friends.

"What… what do… any of you… (cough) know?! HUH?! What do you know?!" Shinji was breathing rather heavily, but he paid no mind to it, nor did he pay any mind Asuka's concerned eyes. No, he was focused on putting someone on their place.

"Nothing! You don't know shit! You didn't do SHIT! Asuka fought for you assholes, she fought nine Evangelions to save you!! And this is how you thank her, by insulting her?!"

'Shinji…" Muttered Asuka, finding his left hand and squeezing it, as to calm him. It was the first time she touched him since the incident.

"NO!! I will not just sit here and listen to this _shit_! She was the bravest of all of us, goddamnit!!! I did nothing, NOTHING while she fought alone, because I'm a good for nothing coward, but she didn't let that stop her!! She fought for everyone, until her last breath! And because she was alone, because I'm a _fucking _coward, she was ripped apart!! Literally!! And you… you dare insult her?! You have no right, you hear me?! No right!! No… (cough) (cough) right!"

Finally, Shinji's exhausted lungs gave out, making him stop and rest. He was panting heavily, coughing from time to time, as the machines around him administered the necessary doses of muscle relaxants and anesthetic into his bloodstream.

Silence reigned yet again. Asuka still had her back turned on them, Misato was at Shinji's right, checking the reading on the machines and making sure he was in no immediate danger. Asuka was still holding onto Shinji's hand.

Hikari, Touji and Kensuke stood petrified in front of them, trying to understand just what had happened. Had Shinji just stood up for the person who had put him in the hospital? The same person who had viciously tortured him for eight months? And why was Asuka acting so concerned for him? Just what was going on?

The visitors, however, had no time to think or apologize. A full squad of doctors, nurses and security staff rushed into the small room, pushing Asuka aside and tending Shinji fully. Ritsuko walked in soon after, wearing a very ugly frown on her still pretty face.

"Alright you three, get the hell out of here. You're disrupting my patient's recovery and I won't have that. You're no longer welcome here until further notice."

With that said, the head doctor motioned the guards to take them away. Touji, Hikari and Kensuke were so completely astounded by Shinji's outburst that they made no resistance as they were led out of the room. Misato stood beside the door, watching the guards take the young companions away. She too was shocked out of her mind, never in a million years would the Mayor have thought Shinji, of all people, would stand up for Asuka, after all that had happened between them.

"Get the readings of that MRI, you, hand me that scalpel, doctor Wong, I need you to stabilize them serum injector, doctor Richards, remove the bandages and apply pressure…"

The room was a commotion of rushed movements and noise, the machines were beeping violently and Shinji didn't stop coughing. His bed was in the middle of the room, at his right, standing next to the machine in charge of delivering the serum and muscle relaxants there was a small desk were some of his personal belongings, his SDAT and a flower vase brought by a very kind nurse. There was a window on the left side of the room, offering a magnificent sight of the reconstructed environment of the Geo-Front. One single chair was next to his bed. There were no posters, no pictures, no get-well cards, no flowers but the simple, vain vase sitting on the desk. Nothing.

Asuka felt something foul stir inside her. Even in her insanity, in her riotous ways, she had always tried to hold onto some kind of personality, something that determined her as a singular person. Shinji, though, he had close to no belongings, and after Third Impact, he hadn't even tried to get new clothes, or new shoes, or even a new cello. It was a depressing thought, to know just how little he actually cared for himself.

"Just what the hell are you all thinking?!" Screamed Ritsuko suddenly. Both Asuka and Misato turned to stare at her. The blonde doctor had definitely seen better days. Her hair was unkept, she had dark bags under her eyes the clothes on her appeared to be at least two days old and she stank of coffee and cigarettes.

"Do you realize that this boy needs a machine to breathe for him at this point? The serum might be effective, but his left lung collapsed no less than a week ago and his ribs were kicked into his diaphragm!! I would appreciate if you restrained from trying to kill him again, miss Sohryu. He'll be fine, don't worry Misato, it's nothing worth losing sleep over."

With that one last biting comment, Ritsuko turned her back on both women, directing her focus on Shinji. The boy was still coughing violently, which only helped in complicating the case. Shinji coughed because his thorax kept trying to expand to give the lungs room to inflate, yet since the diaphragm was damaged, it took too much strain to expand the thorax on the required level, which then impulsed the other muscles to contract, thus provoking the coughing. It seemed there was still a blood clog or two around his lungs. That blood needed to be expulsed, and Shinji was not going to enjoy it.

Misato and Asuka stood helpless as Ritsuko pushed the other doctors away and whispered something in Shinji's ear, whose face was already flushed and sweaty from coughing. Then, Ritsuko took out some sort of small container, motioning for Shinji to drink it. Seconds after the boy chugged down the strange liquid, another violent coughing episode started. Asuka was about to rush to the boys side when Shinji convulsed, irking his entire upper body upwards and spitting a mouthful of dark blood on a metal mug by his bed.

The image of him squirming and spitting blood brought her back to the dreadful day she had tried so hard to avoid thinking about. For days she had been able to delude herself into thinking Shinji was in the hospital by some freakish accident that had had nothing at all to do with her, but seeing him like that felt like a bucket of cold reality thrown at her face. She had done this to him, she was the reason he was in that bed and not at home with them, where he belonged. The only place where he actually smiled.

Suddenly she felt very cold and so very alone. Voices kept ringing in her head and her world started spinning. All she saw was Shinji, naked, spitting blood all over the floor, gasping and collapsing in a dead heap. The thoughts drowned her awareness, everything seemed to glare and laugh at her. Ritsuko's comments fell on deaf ears; Asuka was too deep in paranoia to notice anything. Hysteria assaulted her, and suddenly she could see the white monsters who had devoured her and tortured her through countless nightmares; they were mocking her, grinning sadistically at her suffering. The twisted grins seemed to tell her something, a dark message imprinted through the bestial snouts.

"You see, we're not that different, you and meeee…"

Terror, she was paralyzed in fear, her worn out brain darkened in utter fear; fear of herself, of what she was capable of. In her state of restless hysteria, the abused subconscious of the redhead activated it's most primitive defense mechanism. She attacked.

"You Idiot!!"

Ritsuko seemed to shut up with that. As a matter of fact, the entire room had gone deadly quiet when exposed to her rage, even Shinji, who seemed to have been dying to seconds before, straightened up and gulped.

"What the hell were you thinking, huh?! Do you realize how injured you are?!! And who told you I need to be protected? I could've handled those three asses myself!! Even if…! Even if it was… nice of...you…"

The redhead trailed off, feeling embarrassed. Looking around, she noticed everyone in the room was staring at her, waiting for the next outburst to break out. Shinji, even in his depleted state, managed to look sheepish and not fall apart, unlike other times when Asuka had raised her voice to him. Somehow, after all that had happened, that particular encounter with Asuka managed to make things feel… normal for the boy. For the first time in about a year, Shinji felt like things were somehow back to normal, and for that short period of time, he allowed himself to rejoice in that feeling.

"Um… I'm… Sorry?" All but asked the young boy, being cautious as to not irritate Asuka further. The redhead blinked at him, feeling the same normal environment around them. For those precious little seconds, she was able to forget her guilt, her hate, her confusion and simply enjoy the pleasure of Shinji's company. It was heavenly.

"Yeah, whatever. You should be more careful, you know!!" With that last, harsh but gentle show of concern, she kept her silence.

"Uh, you guys, I think we need to leave them alone for a little while. Come along, Rits, I'll buy us a drink." Said Misato eagerly, taking the doctor by her hand and dragging her (along with the entire medical staff) out of the room. Soon the only sound in the room was that of the machines that helped Shinji breathe. Asuka knew that the moment had come, she needed to apologize, but she had no idea how to even start. How do you apologize after torturing someone?

Rubbing her left arm and looking down, she swallowed whatever remained of her useless pride and glared at Shinji with defiance. She needed this; she needed to at the very least let him know just how ashamed she was. Looking down from Shinji's perplexed look, she walked to his bed and sat on the chair next to it, trying to muster up the courage to speak her mind.

Shinji himself was more curious than anything else. For once, Asuka's presence didn't seem to frighten him, at least not as much as it normally did. He hadn't started shivering in fear, nor had he started whimpering pathetically. He did not feel inferior or in immediate danger, and that alone was very new and strange.

"Look, Shinji…" The use of his name, instead of some insult got his undivided attention. He stared at her, afraid, yes, but not terrified. The boy even tried to sit as straight as he could, he had, after all, almost choked on his own air mere minutes before.

"I… I don't even know where to start." Muttered Asuka, looking at the ground. How, indeed, could she start?

"I've… done a lot of bad things in my life. I've laughed at people, I've put down anyone who even looked at me, and for no reason whatsoever…"

Shinji was getting more confused by the second. What had brought that comment? What did it have to with anything? Had she been waiting for everyone to leave so she could punish him at last? Suddenly he didn't feel so safe anymore.

"Asuka, what are y-"

"Please"

That simple word seemed to stop his entire train of thought. Asuka's tone was pleading, almost desperate. What was it that she needed to say?

"Please… just… just hear me out, okay? I promise, I promise I won't hurt you. Just listen to what I have to say, please, I… I really need to say this…"

"Um… okay, sorry." Asuka still hadn't raised her head to even look at him, all he could see were her beautiful, if somewhat unkempt fiery golden locks. Even then, after all that had happened, he dreamed of running his hand down those eternally beautiful locks. He loved her hair, just as much as he loved every last part of her. No matter what anyone else said, no matter how much the beast inside of him tortured the living shit out of him, he could never stop loving her. She was perfect. God, he was a crazy bastard.

"Um… I've been very confused, Shinji. After Instrumentality, when I found you lying on top of me, trying to kill me, I… I didn't know what to do, how to act around you. So much had happened, I had seen so many things in that mess and didn't really know which were real and which wasn't. The only thing that I knew, was that you had done a very nasty thing to me, and that I really hated you." She laughed then, but it was a bitter laugh, empty and mirthless.

"You know, in that Instrumentality world… I saw so many realities, I lived so many lives and watched so many others, and you know what I noticed?" She raised her head, looking at Shinji with an incredibly soft expression, as if caught somewhere in time, caught in a dream far away. She smiled at him, a pure, if melancholic smile, just for him.

"In every world, in every life, I met you, and you always brought conflicting feeling in me. Always, but, at least in most world, you were the reason for my happiness, even if it was false. Sometimes, you and me would meet and I would hate you and hen start to love you, sometimes it hurt so much, our lives got so complicated that we ended up hating each other, and I… I realized that no matter what that reality held, you and I would find a way to stay together and be kind to each other…"

Shinji simply stared at her, realizing that this would be a one-time occurrence. She was talking to him, openly talking to him, not at him. She was sharing her own experience with him, after eight months, she was opening up to him. Suddenly he wanted to cry in joy, yet he chose to stay quiet and listen.

"Before, when… when you asked me to help you… I… I knew the worst thing I could do to you at that moment was turn my back on you, not care for you at all and let you drown in your on misery… and I did, because you'd just let me get eaten alive. I thought you didn't care at all, so I forced myself not to care about you either, just to hurt you as much as you hurt me by leaving me to die."

The boy seemed about ready to interrupt her, perhaps to explain himself, but she raised her hand to stop him. He was going to apologize, for disappointing her, for abandoning and killing her. Had she ever deserved to be saved by him, anyhow?

"But, I was wrong, I didn't understand half the things you had gone through. I never think of others, it's always about me, about Asuka. It took this, doing this to you, for me to realize what I've done. I'll understand if you never forgive me for this, for the last eight months, I've done so many terrible things to you, things I didn't even know I was capable of. I thought I was doing the right thing, that I was punishing someone who deserved it, and I never saw that you were the victim, the one who suffered the most. I never saw what I was doing to you."

"That's not true." Said Shinji resolutely.

"Yes it is!!!" Yelled the redhead, getting up and glaring at him. Her hands balled into fists as an intense gaze fell upon her eyes. Shinji, however, misunderstood her body language and flinched as if struck by a devastating blow.

"See??!!" Screamed Asuka, pointing a finger at him.

"I can't even come close to you because you think I'll hurt you!! I made you so fucking afraid that you flinch every time anyone comes close to you!!!!"

She was screaming, rage ran through her veins like fire and boiled her blood, yet her anger was not directed at the boy in front of her, it was directed to herself.

_Look at him, _she thought, _Look at what you did, you horrible bitch. He can't even hide how afraid he is. Look, look what your anger gave you, you managed to push the last person who gave a shit to a nervous mess._

Soon enough Asuka realized that Shinji had barely come out of a life-threatening situation. She relaxed, breathing out slowly, trying to control her racing heart. The boy looked down, ashamed of his own fearsome reaction. Maybe it was time that he spoke his mind as well.

"Look, Asuka… The thing is th-"

"I blamed you."

Shinji's eyes popped open like Christmas lights. His heart stopped for a second at Asuka's words, he had always known that, but it shocked him to listen to her saying it with such a lost tone. She looked like she was going to cry. Suddenly there was a very ugly feeling pushing against his chest, but it had nothing to do with his wounds. He found himself angry at her, for the first time in months, he was really angry. Why would she feel sorry for what was right?

"After I woke up in Unit 2, I was finally able to see my Mama. For those moments, all my problems, all the shit I had inside didn't matter anymore. For that special single moment, I felt like I was really invincible, like she never left…" Asuka took a breath to steady herself, trying to maintain her composure.

"But then, then those things got up again, and their blades turned into spears. I… I was scared, but even then I thought that I couldn't lose, because I had my Mama with me, and because you were coming… But… you didn't come… you didn't come when they pierced my eye, you didn't come when they started eating me alive, you didn't come when Mama left…"

"The… Eva was covered… it was covered in bak-"

"Bakelite, I know… I… I saw in your mind. But that's not the point… I blamed you for taking my mother away. I understand it wasn't your fault, I understand that now, but… but I didn't before… and… it just ate me alive."

"You were right to hate me. You _are _right to hate me." Said Shinji grimly. A dark gaze fell on his eyes, he felt so angry, so ready to explode. A part of him was screaming, raging: _So that's it? That's all your going to say? I already knew that crap, just hit me and be done with it…_

"I wasn't. This isn't right, you idiot." Muttered Asuka tightly. God, she was getting so tired of his attitude. Why the hell couldn't he just get angry like any normal person? Why the hell did he always have to be a damn doormat?

"Look," Said Shinji dryly. "I know why things happened… they way they did, okay? You don't need to explain to me why you hate me so much, trust me, I know. Just, please… Just stop acting like you actually give a damn, I would prefer it if you just hit me and were done with it."

Asuka's eyes widened in disbelief, she felt slapped, insulted. She opened her heart to the boy, and he didn't believe her. He honestly didn't believe that she felt terrible for what had happened. The little bastard had no idea of how much she had gone through, and he dared not believe her? Who the _fuck_ did he think he was?

The rotten part of her told her that maybe he was right, maybe she should hit the little bastard, put him in his rightful place as a good for nothing personal toy and be done with it, but she had already gone through too much to listen to her own stupid, rotten pride. So she took a breath and watched Shinji. He appeared to be angry, with every right, yet he seemed angry for all the wrong reasons. He was angered because in his mind, there was no possible way for her to feel bad for her actions towards her.

_Great, Asuka, _she thought sadly to herself, _you fucked him up so much that he doesn't even think you could feel bad for him. He thinks I don't care for him at all. Damnit… damnit…_

"Shinji…"

"Just… stop pretending you care… it hurts more than anything else… I know my place, Asuka. I know what you think of me, okay? I saw into your mind too… so stop acting like this, please… I asked you to let me heal, to leave me be just for this while…just for a little while… then you can keep doing whatever you want… just let me h-"

"S…stop it…. Please… stop it!"

Asuka was crying, she was crying in front of him. She was crying.

At once, the anger evaporated from him, leaving Shinji with a worst feeling of guilt than before. He felt ashamed of his anger towards Asuka, and now he had finally managed to make her cry. God, he was disgusting.

"Don't feel bad because I'm crying, you idiot!"

The comment forced him to straighten up once again. Whenever she used that tone, it felt like he was being lectured and needed to behave. Asuka was glaring at him, but seeing her al teary eyed and trying to look reprimanding made him chuckle a bit.

"See? That's what I wanted to see… (sniff)… You huge idiot, listen… I know what I did, and no matter…(sniff)… what you say, I know there is no reason to treat anyone like I've treated you. Ever since we met, I've been attacking you, insulting you, hitting you, being jealous of you…hating you…"

Her hands were clutching the skirt she wore as tightly as possible, as she gazed intensely into Shinji's eyes. She chuckled as well, yet hers was bitter, melancholic and somewhat nostalgic.

"I used… to be disgusted by the thought of even considering you boyfriend material… And deep down… (sniff)… deep down I dreamed of the day when you'd ask me out. My own insecurities didn't allow me to see my own damn feelings right… I always _knew _that I liked you, but was never able to accept it… I wanted to be with you so much… and I couldn't stand the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about you. I… I even threatened the girls in our class, because I couldn't stomach the thought of you being with anyone else… that's why I hated Wonder Girl so much…I forced myself to believe it was because you were an idiot, a pervert, a broken male… I made up all those things to try to convince myself to hate you… (sniff) … And I couldn't."

She truly, truly looked guilty. He could almost touch the aura of guilt and self-disgust she radiated. He believed her, but his mind always told him one thing. Even when she felt guilty now, it would pass, and things would go back to normal.

"I don't hate you, Shinji… I never have."

"Do…do you swear…?"

"I do."

And he believed her for a second. But his heart was too beaten, too accustomed to receiving her hatred. In his mind, it was impossible for her to feel anything but hate for him.

"I wish… I wish there was anything I could do… to turn back time, knowing what I know now… but that would be stupid… You… you always stay with me, even when you're not by my side, you've always been there… but I always pushed you away… I made you believe you were unwelcome… Even then you stayed…"

"I… I'm gonna change, Shinji."

He watched her, watched as her eyes filled with that old determination he had come to admire. He watched as she moved and grabbed his hand, holding it tightly between her silky-smooth skin, engulfing him in a warmth unlike any other. For that perfect, single moment, he felt happy, truly happy.

"And if you'll let me… Maybe with time… maybe I can undo some of the damage I've caused you. And… And it's not because of some… misplaced sense of self-righteousness, it's because… I care about you, even when my actions have always told you otherwise."

Asuka rose from her chair, still holding his hand as tightly as before. Slowly, she unengaged her right hand from his, cautiously moving to stroke his cheek and lift his face slowly. She had done so much to this, this incredibly kind young man. He had always done so much for her, and she had repaid his kindness with jealousy and hate.

Softly, almost lovingly, she wiped the tears that had unconsciously fallen from his eyes. Shinji had not tried to break away, he had not tried to escape her touch, and he hadn't been scared. That alone brought some sense of calm to her tortured heart. Maybe, maybe she could get better, and make him better, happy even. Maybe one day she would be able to rest on his arms, where she felt safest. Maybe one day she could lie next to him, listen to his heartbeat, breath his air and feel his scent all around her. Maybe one day, they could be happy together.

"I'll come back tomorrow… if you want…"

"Yeah!"

Shinji all but screamed his answer, then promptly blushed deep scarlet and looked down. Asuka giggled a bit, refusing to let go of him until the very last moment. Finally, she released his hand, laying it softly on the side of his bed. The redhead kneeled to be able to be face to face with his ocean blue eyes. She had to ask, even if she didn't like the answer.

"Do… do you think… that someday… you could forgive me…?"

"I… I already have…" Said Shinji resolutely.

"Th… Thank you, Shinji… I… I'll be back tomorrow… okay? I'll… Bring you a good lunch."

She rose, and shakily walked off the room. After the door hissed closed, she laid her head on it, trying to understand the feeling inside her. She didn't feel less guilty, or less disgusted at herself, but she felt that she could truly change. Perhaps someday she would actually deserve his forgiveness, his compassion and company, maybe someday they'd be able to find happiness. At last, she was able to recognize the feeling in dancing in her chest and filling her with glorious energy.

Hope, it was hope.

* * *

After Asuka left, Shinji felt as though her warmth and delightful presence had been stolen. She'd been so nice to him that day, so open and kind and understanding, but when she left it had felt as though she had never come in the first place. Exhausted by the day's events, he fell into a troubled sleep, filled with horrific images and terrible screams. It was normal; all he ever dreamed of was the End. Every night, every day, it haunted him like a starving vulture waiting on his fall, waiting for its daily meal of misery. He saw the remains of Unit 2, he heard Asuka's screams, felt Misato die, heard the screams of everyone at NERV as they were turned into LCL, heard the screams of terror of humanity as their lives were wiped away by his hand.

Every night. Every night and every day. It was his penance, never to rest, never to find peace of mind, not even in death. He felt it, the thing that haunted his nightmares, he felt as it came close, ready to torture him some more, to extract the last drop of exquisite agony from his withered heart, until there was nothing left.

"**I feel proud, Shinji." **The voice came from everywhere, suffocating his nostrils with its nauseating breath.

"**You finally know your place, boy. I feel sooooo very proud of you, hehehehehe…" **

In the darkness, as always, light shined under him and his disfigured soul. This time, it looked even more terrifying than before. It looked more rotten, the skin was withered and infected, multiple wounds could be seen all over its body, The once white shirt the beast wore was reddened and brown, dried and fresh blood drowning the white completely. The monster's chest was ripped open, he could see its inner organs, see the punctured lungs clash with the broken ribs, the blackened heart palpitating so very slowly, pushing decayed blood to the beast's body. The jawbone was visible, as if something had literally ripped a part of the monster's face away, he could see the right eyeball move and bleed all over its face.

Raw terror ran through his veins. There was no more drug-induced sleep to save him anymore, he was at the monster's mercy.

"**You see? See that I was right all along about you? I'm happy Shinji, so very happy."** It smiled grotesquely at him, touching his face with its hand, cupping it, caressing it, leaving a trail of blood wherever it chose to touch him.

"**Now, now things will turn a bit different for us, my dear Shinji, you know why? Do you? My dear little serial killer? Do you? Do you!?" **

He shook his head no.

"**Hehehe, why of COURSE you don't, hahahahaha. You see, you're already used to the good old 'watch Asuka die' thing, so we're gonna explore your memory some more, how does that sound? There's some pretty gooood stuff stored down that ol' shack, you know."**

Grinning madly, it grabbed Shinji's throat, standing eye to eye with him. Demon red faced ocean blue in a hazy showdown inside Shinji's broken mind. Everything felt real, and at the same time he knew he was dreaming, that it wasn't real.

"**Juuuuust for the fuck of it, why don't we visit your first REAL sexual experience up close, huh? ** ** Then maybe sister dearest would like to show up and grace us with her angelic presence, and we could share some of your many fantasies about her, hmm? Oh, oh, and I know what comes next, hehehehe… I know what comes next… After we finish enjoying the sight of you soiling yourself on top of Asuka's virginal body, after we're done with the always reliable incest scenario, you and me, we'll have some real fun…"**

It _licked_ his ear hungrily, and it wasn't the feeling of it's cold, putrid tongue in his ear what made him snap and scream in terror, no, it was a memory that much more defying, that much more decayed and frightening and simply horrible for Shinji's mind to handle.

The feeling, the sensation of raw terror came from the recollections of Asuka's ever frequent visits to his bedroom in the middle of the night. She had done that, licked his ear hungrily with a repulsive feeling of self satisfaction as he always recoiled in utter fear and self-disgust. She always did the same, make him feel helpless, insult him, claw at his skin and moan and sweat and _bleed_ on top of him, without letting him so much as move. She was always on top, always with that horrifying predatory look as she used him until she was pleased. After she was done, she'd always say something among the lines of 'you're so disgusting' and leave, pretending it had never happened at the next day.

"**Ohhhh, so you DO know what comes next, you intelligent little dog, you. Well, I guess that spoils the surprise, but who cares, right? The whole thing is about having some fun! So let's go, my dear boy… Oh, and try not to jack off too much, kay? I just had the place carpeted, hehe… hahahahahahahahaahahahaha… Carpeted! Hahahahaha…!!" **

And so it began, again and again, on and on for 4 to 5 hours of torturous, troubled sleep. How much time could there be left before he completely lost his mind? What would Asuka think then? Would she still see him with pity in her eyes, or would she just leave him to rot in his hellish personal hell? Would Misato simply turn away too? Just drop him off on the very first loonies' house to be reconstructed? Then what? Talking to the walls and crying himself to sleep every night? Screaming his voice away in terror every last day? Just rot away in a cushioned room until he found an efficient way to kill himself? Sure, he could do that.

Why not? He deserved more, after all. Maybe God was being a little compassionate with him by robbing sanity away from him after some point, he just had to wait it out and see. Why fight the natural process of karmatic retribution? Maybe it was better to let it pass, to let it happen and simply give up. Yeah, that sounded nice, he was an expert in giving up and running away. Just like… just like… his father…

"_The apple doesn't fall far from the tree…" _

At five thirty eight of October the third, 2016, a scream unlike any other shook the very foundations of NERV's medical ward. It was a terrible roar of terror and helplessness that travelled through time and space, waking everyone in the medical ward, locking itself in the mind of a young redheaded girl who was being haunted by a recurring nightmare scarring forever at her subconscious and making her notice how much that scream reassembled one she had heard not too long ago, consuming her entire being with unbidden guilt. It spaced itself in the heart of a 30'year old woman sleeping almost peacefully for the first time in years, and forced her to wake up in utter fear, a mother's fear for her child. It possessed the tired brain of a defeated, but powerful man, threatening to bring him to his knees out of pure guilt and shame.

By all means, such a sound could have never been made by a boy with his diaphragm in the shape of Swiss cheese, yet mysteries such as that one had always haunted the medical world. Perhaps adrenaline, some would say.

Even more mysterious was the lack of a latter lesion, or the lack of blood that should have by all means drowned the boy in it. Be it as it may, the boy seemed to be physically fine, although the same could not be said about his mind.

Shinji himself had come to the horrifying conclusion that he did not want to become like his father, but already was very like him. He would have change himself. He could not run away to insanity in hope of making his punishment a bit less torturous. He had no right to do so, the right path was to take it all, take Asuka's treatment for as long as she wished to bestow it upon him, to be a beacon of hope for some and a living devil for others, to be both applauded and spat on every day he so chose to leave the sanctuary of his broken home, to be ignored, hated, idolized and repudiated for as long as he lived. He would have to take care of Misato's constant drinking, her tantrums, slurred, whispered but so very consistent insults when she came home too drunk to control her own mouth, he'd have to be tortured in his sleep, day in and day out, without so much as a moment's solace.

That alone had been more than enough to make him scream in utter horror, and for the sake of honesty and truth, the strongest man would have broken down long before he had.

For the following 4 hours, not even noticing the arrival of doctors and nurses, without noticing Misato's whispered words to his deaf ears, barely feeling Asuka's hand holding onto his own so very tightly, he cried. Cried because it was all he could do, all he was allowed to do, cried because there was no hope left for him, no light at the end of his torn down, crashed tunnel. Yet most of all, he cried because he found himself unable to make her happy, unable to bring some feeling of peace to the person he had hurt and damaged more than anyone. What could such a pitiful excuse f a human being offer to someone like Asuka, to such a strong, decided young woman?

He had nothing, he was nothing, and soon she'd see it, truly see it and leave him to rot in his own misery. He was terrified of her, yet addicted to her company, her inner fire. Even when it burned him time and time again, even when it burned with hatred towards him. Soon, she'd leave him and live her life, she deserved to live a normal life. He deserved Hell, and Hell was exactly what he would get.

For the following four hours, the girl held his hand, trying to assimilate some of the grief that clawed at his heart, but he was far too gone to notice the girl's own tears fall. He was far too into his despair to feel Misato's tears wet his hair, too gone to listen to her honest words of comfort and love. But for once, he didn't feel alone. He was not alone, and that was enough to keep him sane.

Four hours of crying and moaning in despair, for hours of torture for an already broken and battered family. It was, regrettably, the same amount of time it took Ikari Gendou to reach NERV headquarters, surprisingly unnoticed, and present himself in the entrance. Evidently, the guard seemed to recognize his name and allowed him passage without a question. As he found himself in the elevator, he noticed with grim coldness that his kingdom was back on its feet. The hellish place where his plans had turned to ash and fire, his unholy castle of solitude was as good as new. What an unpleasant surprise.

As he climbed into the elevator, the former Supreme Commander asked himself what came next. What would happen when he faced his son? What would he say? Would he even be able to talk? How to explain having manipulated his entire life for a stupid purpose? How to explain the distance, the coldness?

How?

* * *

......

Deep within the most secret graveyards, hidden under tons of metal and flesh, a once cracked, broken core came to life after eight months of slow, cautious regeneration. Two primal eyes shined in the darkness, as the broken carcass of Unit 2 started moving ever so slowly. A powerful heartbeat resonated in the ancient graveyard. The S2 core shined brightly in the middle of the darkness, as its eyes surveyed the area around it. Hundreds of ancient failed experiments lay before it, but those were of no importance to the mighty beast, no, its targets were others.

Unit 2 moved with its one useful hand, dragging its rotten carcass to the nearest petrified model of the Eva Series. The shape of the once mighty Evangelion was almost unrecognizable, there was close to no armor left around it, it had one arm split completely in half, the remains of its innards were dragged around as it moved, making a horrifying spectacle of putrid flesh and broken bone. It was missing a leg and most of its muscle tissue, there were holes all over its body where the nine Lances had pierced through, its head, lacking most of its facial mask, had just recently been reattached to the body. Drool and bluish blood dripped from its maw, as skin-crawling growls filled the silence of the Evangelion Graveyard.

Nine preys lay beside each other, helpless to its patient advance. With a mighty pull, it grabbed the closest humanoid figure by the neck and brought it to the ground. An eye dangled back and forth from its head, two small holes allowing the dim light to pass through them and shine upon the Eva Series' mangled snout. Opening its jaws in what could only be described as a grotesque, victorious grin; Unit 2 ever so slowly brought its head down…

And fed.

**TBC………...**

**

* * *

  
**

Inspirational Music: Forget to Remember-**Mudvayne**; Faraway-**Apocalyptica**, Go to Hell-**Carcass**, Broken, Beat and Scarred; To Live is To Die, Until it Sleeps-**Metallica**; Shine On You Crazy Diamond, Fearless, Us and Them-**Pink Floyd**; Road Trippin', The Zephyr Song, Venice Queen-**Red Hot Chili Peppers**.

AN: OOOHHH, CLIFF!!!!! So… yeah. Well, I guess all I have to say in my defense is… there is very little time to write when you're on a full scholarship, AND there's no inspirational substances around… but hell, I had to write at some point. I'm tremendously sorry for the delay, and I'll try my hardest to write the next chappy a lot faster, but for the time of being, please bear with me… SO! Hope you liked the chappy, hope you enjoyed it, and even if you didn't, please let me know of any opinion, good or bad! Reviews make this dude write faster!!!!! Thanks for reading!!

PEACE!


	9. Chapter 9

AN:Umm...so... four months huh? I´m really, really sorry people, but you know, class and college and stuff, it just consumes all your time. Luckily, I had a couple of weeks off and finally managed to write this baby! I hope you all enjoy it, I worked my butt off on it hehe, so please, Read and Review!

Oh! Brief dark Knight lines on the story, sorry, I just LOVe that movie. Don´t own Evangelion, and definetly don´t own Batman!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter Nine. Eighth Act: Take Away My Pain

Shadows

The very horrors that forever man has attempted to hide from. Darkness, shadow, shade, all of them words to represent the immense fear which has haunted mankind ever since the development of reason and understanding, the everlasting terror of the unknown. Why is it that humans fear darkness? Can it be because it is in the shadows than Man is able to see exactly how rotten his soul is? Can it be because they fear to look upon the shades and recognize themselves? In the end, all of us humans share one fatal factor, all of us, all of you. Yessss, the eternal darkness inside of us. Can it be that men fear darkness because it is a mirror? A mirror of their own hearts? You know of what I speak of, yes you do, Yessss, you do… Each person in this rotten world has felt it, the cold, delicious sensation of hatred running through their veins, the intoxicating feeling of anger clouding one's judgment and releasing the inner beast which lies dormant within their decaying souls. Why does mankind fear the true nature of their hearts, why do you fear the shadows? Deep down, we all realize at one point or the other than it is within does shadows that our real desires dwell, that it is in the eternal darkness where we find solace from this world of pain and hatred.

So why hide it?

Because of fear, yes, we fear the unknown, we fear _ourselves_. But are the shadows really something we do not understand? Ever since the dawn of this bloodied race, we have always faced darkness, we have attempted to hide from it, to tame it, yes, but deep down, we have always acknowledged our inability to truly contain our darkness. Can you not see it too? Can you not feel the beast feast on your hatred, on your loneliness, your fears and doubts? Can you all not understand that it is in the shadows where reality lies, and that the world of light in which you live in is nothing but a highly developed cave with a flashlight to wish the obscurity away? Heh… you fail to understand your own nature, how so very pathetic…

Darkness.

I was born from it, from the darkness of your hearts, from the darkness in His heart. I am the living, breathing representation of your hate, your fear, your anger, your wish for poetic justice. I am the blade forged to punish, I am the ax wielded by the executioner, I am the dark, dirty prison in which you rot and crumble, the rusted, aged weapon that fires against those you hate. I was born for a single purpose, to never allow your executioner the much deserved rest he so desperately seeks. I am the beast born in the End, the monster inside your closet. I am the Sandman, waiting at your doorstep, waiting for the sweet veil of sleep to overcome your senses in order to torture you to insanity. I am the Boogie Man, the Crow, I am your pain, your anxiety, your devastated self-esteem. I am your broken dreams, your most horrific nightmares, I am those memories that you so vividly relieve and wish to forget, yet I do not allow you to disregard, ever.

I live inside every living human, dormant in some, awoken in others.

I am Fear, I am Darkness, I am Hate. I am _You._

I live for one single purpose, I live to perpetrate the worst tortures in the minds of those who are deserving of punishment, of those who cannot be punished but by their own minds. I live for their pain, for His pain. I live for anguish, for terrified screams and horrid images, I live for fear.

And now, I invite you all to my kingdom…

Come , my children, all of you, let me share my world with you. Let me show the outcome of your hatred, allow me to introduce you to yourselves. Come with me, come to my kingdom. Now, before we embark on this journey into my domain, before you are witness to the most fragile, haunted and distorted mind among this race, before you are witness to images and memories that would most definitely break a lesser man, I have one simple question for you…

Are you afraid of the dark?

* * *

Images. Screams. Smiles. Pain. Lust. Happiness. Red. Blue. Smiles. Purple hair. Betrayal. Red. Pain. Blue. Cofusion. Pain. Pain. You left me. Pain. Smiles. Laughter. You left me. You killed me. Pain. Pain. All of you… die. Die. Screams. Flesh. Pain.

It laughs, as memories assault him at incredible speed and make him dizzy with pain, it laughs. It taunts him, bringing his happiest memories to focus and crushing them with the truth. It uses his mother to break every last ounce of hope left in his body, it laughs as he is tortured by his own memories.

"**Go on, Shnji. Open your eyes, my boy…" **

Mother. He sees her, clear as day. A soft, soothing smile on her angelic features, the gentle wind of October caressing her auburn hair as a breath on silk. He can see her, happy and unafraid with the child that will become him in her arms. He can see the city behind her, glorious, magnificent and populated, unaware of their future. Then, he sees the silluete of the monstrous machine made to torture him, its mouth open and drooling in a mute invitation to the Hell thay awaits him. Without warning, it swallows him whole.

Inside the Void, the creature coils around him, grabbing his face with putrid, ice-cold hands and chuckling in anticipation. For two hours now, the torture has been non-stop. Not that he can tell how much time has transpired outside. **"Let the show begin… let´s go back… to where it starts…" **A whisper, disgustingly seductive and revolting in every way or form. He feels its rotten lips come in contact with his forehead, and for a moment the figure turns into the half-eaten carcass of his smiling mother, her ocean-blue eyes scrutinizing him as if he were and insect.

"**Suffer now… my dear Shinji-kun…"**

Inside the Void, a boy screams. It is a horrendous noise filled with grief and despair, the sound of one´s humanity dying. Then it begins, once again.

Shinji had not returned whole from the Red Ocean, his mind had been fractioned into pieces and fractals of personality so volatile and unstable that they shifted with the mere sound of the waves as they caressed the unnaturally white shores surrounding the Ocean of Blood. His mind is amiss of everything, contracted onto itself as if attempting to shield the most vital parts that make him whole. He thinks all the time, all the fucking time.

Dead. Everything. Everything was dead. Except for him. How long had he dwelled alone in the world? Back when the days were inked with red and red and more red and death and blood and the smell of blood and the fact that… oh my God I fucking killed everyone and I failed everything and there´s a huge head in the Ocean and piss and crap and eat and survive and repeat under the sky that looks like the sea that smells like blood, blood like Asuka´s hair, like her hairclips and neural connectors, red like her blood all over the Geo-Front when the fuckers lift her up and oh my god they´re eating her and the feeling of her neck around his hand, the sound of her neck snapping and the smell of blood, the smell of Asuka´s blood and the feeling of it in his hands and the red on Rei´s eye that fucking keeps reminding him of the girl he loves and hates with everything he is and the smell that reminds him of death and the fact that it´s all his fault.

How long had he dwelled around like that? He had such foggy recollections of that time, but he remembers one thing, feeling alone and abandoned the entire time. Mother ha said everyone would come back, but nobody came back. No one. Nothing. Just Red. And him. And Guilt. And Hate. Hate towards them all. He places big logs where there should be graves, graves that remind him of his failure, forever, graves that remind him that he has been abandoned in a hell made especially for him. He hates them all, hates the red, hates the food, hates the smell of blood all over, hates her, hates his father, his mother, his sister. Damn them all. Serves them right, the bastards. He hates, above all though, himself. Even when he understands himself, he hates what he has come to understand. Some days, he consoles himself in his hatred, unconsciously feeding the monster that will haunt him for days to come. He can still feel his own sickening seed in his hand, he can still see _her _face as she leaves him to die alone, just like he did with her.

One day he sits at shore, not doing anything at all, just watching the stains on the moon, when suddenly he notices a change in the sound pattern of the waves, and he _sees_ her. How, in a Sea of Red, can he see her? He goes in and brings her to shore, and then he lies again on the white sand. Who is this person? Asuka. Who is Asuka? Pain, love, arousal, loyalty, friendship, betrayal, lust, pain, pain and hurt, warmth, the same. Why the same? Why? He cannot think, but it slowly bleeds into his brain again. He remembers it all, and wants to kill her again. Why should she be here? She let him rot, the miserable bitch, so let him kill her once and for all. It´s for the best. His head turns, and Ayanami is there for a single second, she looks neutral, yet not devoid of any feeling. Why is she not here? She told him to choose, and he chose to kill everyone, so why is she not with him? Why Asuka? He´ll kill her.

Suddenly he´s choking her with every fiber of his being, because there´s no other way, because she´ll betray him again and leave. She already hates his guts, so what the hell. She left him, the miserable bitch, she let him to suffer and bear it alone, and she doesn´t even have the courtesy to give him a heated glare. Nothing, her face is devoid of anything. Don´t ignore me. His thumbs bite at her windpipe, attempting to draw anything from her, but receiving nothing, nothing at all. Don´t, please, not you. Not you. Not Asuka. Help me. Love me. Hate me. Anything, as long as it comes from you. But she doesn't move, which strengthens his resolve. Please, anything. Hate me, please, please. Hate me, kill me. Anything. But nothing happens.

A touch, a caress. He feels it, and it breaks through the foggy haze that is his mind. The fractals disappear, and he is faced with the blunt fact that he has just tried to kill Her. He breaks down not a second afterwards, too exhausted to even understand what is going on and too filled with grief and regret to even move, yet in between it all, he feels happy, happy because she is there. It lasts less than seconds, as the small spark of hope is extinguished by her words.

"I feel sick."

She knows, oh God… she _knows._

The world disappears, and he is in his bedroom, unable to sleep yet again but pretending to anyway. He feels the presence of that _thing_ somewhere, he smells its stench. Another memory, another nightmare that haunts him. Today is the sight of Unit 02 ripped to shreds in front of him, accompanied by a generous offering of torture. He had to get up and vomit in the bathroom, luckily he maid it. He feels uneasy, as if he knows something bad and wrong is going to happen. It makes sense when the door opens. She´s in her night ware, a long, pink T-shirt with her panties on. He swears he can smell the tears from his bed.

"Thinkin´of me again, Shinji-boy?" , she asks cruelly. Her tone is poison to his heart, because he knows that the way she is now, her fits of rage, her screaming in the bathroom at all hours of the night, her hate, all of it is his fault.

"You know, you´re a really sick individual. Aren´t you ashamed that you can´t control your perverted, disgusting personality? Hmm, kinda makes me wonder what would have turned out of you if you´d had a normal life. You know, you´d probably be a rapist." She advances toward his bed, enjoying the sight of him attempting to curl around himself. "Or probably a murderer, you know, those really sick bastards who rape and then choke women to death."

She is standing over him now, that hungry look planted right on her face. Eyes that hold no goodwill, no mercy, only hate for him and for his sins. So be it, he can bear it, as long as he gives her some semblance of peace. He can take it. He can take it. Being used again, being a toy, choking on his own anger, on his own hatred, holding it in and letting her do whatever she wants. He can take it.

"Pants off, bastard."

He can´t take it.

Fractalsm images, flashes of that night. Pain in his jaw. Pain on his ribs. It hurts, but it feels good too, and he is sick with himself for enjoying it, for taking advantage of her needs and satisfying his own insignificant demands for another´s touch and caress. He is sick.

"**Yes… yes you are… Just like your father, can´t you see?"**

Yes. He can see it. Just like Father, using everyone around him to accomplish his plans, his sickening ambition. Using, then throwing away. He rots everything he touches, just like Father, and he is burdened with horrible crimes committed by none other that him, too, like Father. In the end, the bastard has made sure his legacy survives in the form of a broken, putrid little monster.

He feels as she takes him, feels her teeth as they _bite_ into his neck, with every intention to rip his veins clean off. He feels as she runs her nails through his skin, and almost vomits when he hears her grunt in approval at his pain. It´s always like this. He feels her eyes as she glares hatred to his face, but most of all, he feels her tears, her pain and anguish as she takes him. So he bears it, even when she hurts him so much.

Sometimes, he stands outside her bedroom, doing nothing but watching her as she sleeps. Most times, he has the irresistible urge to launch himself at her, to fuck her senseless, to slap and hit and slash at her until she cries blood, just like she does to him. He wants to feel her trying to escape, just like he has, only to grab her by the throat and threaten to kill her, just like she always does. Sometimes, he just wants to choke her to death.

Sometimes, he sits in a park, doing nothing but watch the trees and the sea, a sea that used to be red, a sea that´s now full of life. He sits on a bench, trying not to explode, trying not to break down completely, barely breathing, barely even moving until his cell phone rings for the hundredth time or until some nice security guard shakes him and tells him it´s two in the morning. He remembers everything with detail, and it tortures him fot hours on end, so he just sits there like a stone, waiting for the memories to fade away. One time, the guard told him his eyes looked… haunted.

Memories. Images. It all flashes around him, it all spins around him, but he can see eachu image, can remember each moment and feel each jab to his soul. Shinji Ikari stands alone in the darkness, tortured by his memories.

"**How can you even stand yourself? You dream of killing her, of killing all of them. You liked it, didn´t you? All that power, the chance of having everyone acknowledge you, love you. Pathetic, to think you had to become God to try and **_**force**_** everyone to love you, and yet here you are, alone."**

It moves in circles around him, as a predator who plays with its meal, rejoicing in watching it bleed to death from the mortal wound inflicted before.

"**So, so very pathetic. You´re just like your old man, aren´t you?"**

The beast awaits, hungry for more, hungry for blood and suffering, but it receives silence. Baffled, it turns to its victim and grabs him by the throat, glaring blood into his ocean-blue eyes. His eyes are dead, haunted, but there is a small flicker, a small flare.

"**I asked you a question, boy." **The beast gripped harder at his neck, but Shniji felt nothing, he did not feel his throat constricted. He felt something in his chest, he felt fire inside his soul.

"I am not… my father…" Quiet, yet the defense was strong enough to surprise the monster, making it blink And lift an eyebrow.

"**You have a lot of nerve, brat. Your dearest father treated everyone like tools, just like you. He used women´s bodies but destroyed their minds, only for his own twisted amusement! You are no different from him, from the man ready to KILL every last human being on this earth! Bah, you´re even lower scum that he is! At least he did his deeds to be reunited with your mother, the dirty little bitch she was… Don´t delude yourself, boy."**

Neither moved, neither breathed for a moment. Caught inside his mind, Shinji allowed all of his anger, all of his fear and hate to wash all over him, to posses him completely.

"I´M NOT MY FATHER!" He screams at the beast in front of him, grabbing it by the throat instead.

"I hate you! All you do is make me feel like scum! As if I don´t know what kind of crap I am! Don´t you think I feel bad enough having to wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror! Just… just shut up!"

The beast allowed him to choke it as it watched, slightly amused. The poor boy, he thought he could still have peace, it was so disgustingly poetic. Shinji´s eyes were wide, hateful and _alive_ for the first time in months, but his efforts were futile.

"**Are you done?" **

Finally, Shinji got to his feet, a terrified expression melting over his face. The beast advanced towards him, caressing its neck. Then, glaring daggers at him, it slowly turned into what he had dreaded the most. It slowly turned into Asuka.

There were holes all over her body, there was a fucking _hole_ where her left eye should have been, her right arm was cut right in half. God, he could see the bone clinging off the flesh, smell the blood as it dripped from all over her body, he could feel as she got closer, a crudely disapproving frown on her mangled face. At once, his endless rage receded as reflex took over, making him meek and frightened, no more than a submissive dog at her feet.

"**Tsk, Tsk, Tsk. Bad Shinji. Have I not taught you your place already?"** It came closer, wearing Asuka´s confident smirk. Raw, unbidden fear crept up his spine as she advanced and he sat there, paralyzed and watching with morbid fascination and mind-numbing terror as the blood dripped from her wounds.

"**Bad dog!"**

He lowered his head, ashamed.

"S-Sorry…."

**What is it? Why aren´t you looking at me? Running away again, are we? Running away from your actions, well, tough luck you bastard."**

He saw her feet stand in front of him, saw how a small pool of blood formed beneath her. Suddenly, she kicked him on the side, making him flinch and fall. She set her foot above his windpipe, and he could feel himself running short on air.

"**There´s no running away from me, Shinji…" **She lowered herself to him, strapping her thighs against his legs and forcing his face upwards, so he could look at her and gze in horror at he hole that bleeds on his shirt.

"**You really think I could feel anything for you besides hate? You poor, poor little Baka-Shinji. Maybe I just need to remind you how much I actually hate you…"**

With that last comment, she smashes cold, rotting lips against his own, making him want to vomit just from the stench. In an instant everything turns into pain. Every slap, every insult, every hit, each and every ill deed Asuka has perpetrated against him runs through him, poisoning the image he holds s dear to his heart, the image of her smiling lovingly as she delivers a meal made by her own, two perfect hands. The memories spin one after the other, threatening to drive him completely insane. Screams blossomed as he watched and listened to some of the traumas that haunted him the most.

"_I no longer have a use for you."_

"_What are you, stupid?"_

"_Pants down, bastard."_

"_How can you even think you can make it up to me! Get away from me!"_

"_Don´t touch me."_

"_Stay away… STAY AWAY, PLEASE!"_

"_You bastard! How dare you! How dare you put your dirty hands on me!"_

_"Why won´t you look at me?"_

"_How can you stand there and smile knowing everything you´ve done? __You little shit!"_

"_I hate you, Shinji! I Hate everyone!"_

"_I feel sick."_

"_Monster."_

"_Monster!"_

"_MONSTER!"_

"_Why are you in there! You won´t do anything!"_

"_You won´t help me!"_

"_You won´t even _hold_ me!"_

He felt them, felt each blow as she delivered it, felt every kick, every scream, and every insult, everything at once. Memories swirled around him, his failures thrown at his face too quickly for him to even understand them all. Touji, his arm and leg cut off because he refused to do _anything_, Mari, Touji´s sister, crippled because of his uselessness. Hundreds of innocents he failed to protect, dying and burning with every Angel that attacked. His father, not once lifting an eyebrow at his accomplishments. Asuka, mind-raped, screaming her heart out as he cowered in his Entry Plug like a pathetic first-born. Kaji, dying and leaving Misato as a broken shell of her former self, he stood there and watched her break without even lifting a finger. Rei, blowing herself up because he was useless enough to allow her. Everyone, leaving, hurting, dying because of him, because of him…

Little did he know that his torture was reaching it´s highest point as it destroyed whatever sanity and hope he still had for himself. For hours, he was forced to relieve his failures again and again.

The last clear image he dreamed before giving in to the darkness completely was that of Unit Two, mangled and eaten, being brought to him as an offering. He could see her, see the wounds all over her body, the wound on her eye, her arm split in half. She was still breathing.

It takes another second for it to sink in, and in that second the figure appears in front of him. The hole in her head stands out in gruesome detail, offering him a clear view of the mortal wounds all over her, but most of all, he can see her still breathing in her Entry Plug, suffering, still fighting, whimpering and spitting blood. The Entry Plug is red with her blood. He could see the light fade away from her eyes in the last moment, he could hear her last whisper as life abandoned her.

"S…Shinji…"

She was depending on him, believing in him to the last moment, and he had failed her, he had allowed her to be maimed and killed.

At five thirty eight of October the third, 2016, a scream unlike any other shook the very foundations of NERV's Medical Ward.

0000000000000000

At five forty three in the morning, Misato was woken by the terrible shaking of a young redhead, still clad in her night T-shirt and panties, who was crying her blue eyes out. She seemed ready to fall apart. Later on, Misato would remember that moment as the moment when things had forever changed for the better for both her children, but at the time, she felt ready to kill the girl, had it not been for her own horrible nightmare and feeling of utter fear. Asuka had looked so frightened, so concerned, that Misato had immediately risen from her bed and in minutes, they had been on their way to NERV's medical ward. Asuka didn't let go of her hand the entire way and didn't complain on her lack of respect for transit laws or her lack of concern for the debris all around. The girl kept repeating that Shinji was in danger and they had to go see him, otherwise they would lose him. She believed the girl, since she had the same feeling in her chest.

Once they arrived to his room, rushing through doctors and nurses, rushing through insane screams and kicks, they were faced with an image that would ceaselessly haunt their memories. Shinji was screaming like a madman, terrified of everything around him, caught in some sort of horrific trance. Even as Misato tried to hold him, even when Asuka took his healthy hand and held it in her own, even then he continued crying like there was nothing left. Shinji was caught in a nightmare much more vivid and terrifying than ever before. The monster was using everything, every last horrid memory he had to torment him, and he could not possibly take it anymore.

He was finally snapping, losing his sanity to the eternal torment of horrendous memories and hateful words, of blood, torture and pain beyond any human understanding. He was fighting, but it was too much, too much for him to bear alone, so the battered remains of his mind were shutting off on him, as his chest threatened to give in under the pressure of his screams. Not even the drugs were able to soothe him, besides, in the midst of his violent stupor, he had ripped the IV from his left arm. Even as the nurses held him down and administered a heavy dose of morphine into him, he continued fidgeting around, tears spilling from his eyes and soft, painful moans escaped his lips. Misato never felt so helpless, she could do nothing but hold him as the nurses made sure he hadn't reopened his wounds, she could do nothing but kiss his hair and try to soothe him as the poor, miserable moans kept escaping his parted mouth.

It went on for four agonizing hours. Trapped in a dreamless sleep, unable to awaken due to the drugs administered to soothe his body and restrain him, he suffered from memories no child should bare.

Not even Asuka's touch seemed to relax him; he kept suffering in his sleep. There was nothing Ritsuko could do either; if she pushed any more drugs into his system she ran the risk of bringing him close to a stroke. When all seemed to be lost, when his mind was recoiling back into itself and locking itself forever, when; having watched his most horrendous memories time and time again for about six hours straight, something happened that was only for Shinji and Asuka to know and understand. Ever so gently, she let go of his hand. Calmly, she unengaged her guardian from her hold on her beloved child. She understood that such was the time to fulfill her promise to him and change, it was time to hope. Misato was relentless to leave his side, but Asuka's eyes convinced her that it was what had to be done. After four hours of holding on to him, of listening to him run out of tears and whimper like a wounded animal, she released him, if only for a moment.

Then, then something happened. Something that, considering everything that had transpired, should not have been allowed or possible. Asuka had raped Shinji on multiple occasions, yet she had never, ever allowed him to touch her, to share her body warmth and she had never allowed him to cover her in his. She had never allowed him to feel her warmth, to share their deep, mutual caring for one another. No, she had always allowed her hate and anger to dominate her senses, she had only allowed her lust and need for comfort to make itself known, but no more. So she made a choice, she chose to move Misato away from him, she chose to breath in his scent, to soothe his wounded heart, but most of all, she chose to allow herself to be led by her heart, and not her twisted mind or her rotten pride.

Ever so slowly, while Shinji squirmed and mumbled in his sleep, she climbed into his hospital bed, careful not to damage the many tubes and cables all around him, and lay down next to him. She knew she didn't deserve to help, that she had no right whatsoever to touch him, but he was suffering so much. He wasn't even awake, not even conscious and he was in so much pain. What, she wondered, was he seeing in his poor mind? God, he was probably relieving some of the horrible things she had done to him. She prayed it wasn't that, she prayed to any God still out there to please allow him to find some solace, to pass that pain to her and let him be. _Please, _she begged, _just let him rest… I'm so sorry Shinji, I'm so sorry…_

Placing her head in the crook of his long, gorgeous neck, she breathes in his scent, rejoicing in his warmth. Taking his left arm in her hands, she places it around her waist, feeling him clutch her shirt with all his might, as she carefully lays her arm around his stomach, careful to place it somewhere it does not upset his injuries. Slowly but surely, the boy's breathing soothes, his heartbeat lessens, going back to normal and his troubled breathing is reduced to a light snore. In the midst of it all, Asuka whispers things she would still not dare say to his face while awake, simply because she felt she didn't deserve to, things that were for his ears and his ears alone.

"Shh… It's okay, Shinji… I know, I know what you're seeing right now, it's okay… I'm here now … I'm here…it's okay, my dear Shinji, My Shinji…, I'll take care of you now, I'll take care of you now…."

She caresses his hair, soothes and kisses his eyelids ever so softly, in a show of caring and concern that leave Misato, Ritsuko and the entire medical staff speechless and frozen in place. What the hell? Had that girl not been the one to place the boy in that bed in the first place, and how, oh how, could it be that he is actually responding to her touch? Misato knows the guilt the girl carries, she herself has a burdened heart, yet she is powerless to help her children. Understanding that she can do nothing at that point, that at that point, and since they have met, all they needed was each other, Misato leads everyone away, assuring them that Shinji will be okay, and leaves them in their small, sterile hospital room. She trusts her little girl, if only a little, and above all, she knows just how much guilt she carries in her heart and how much she wishes to undo what she has done. So she leaves them be.

It is still so hard to be nice, to be gentle and caring. It´s simply not in her nature. She can´t say what she feels, but she can hope he can understand her feelings anyway. All that has ever come out of her foul mouth has hurt him in the past, so perhaps it is better to simply hold him and soothe whatever pain she can at that point.

Slowly, Asuka feels as he relaxes completely, as the nightmares that have haunted both of them for more than eight months evaporate in a cocoon of warmth and caring. There is something so very rewarding about being true to one's heart, and she is being truthful to her own for once in years. That is what Mama would have wanted, and that is what she wants, more than anything. The nightmare that plagues Shinji slowly dissipates, the putrid smell of rotting corpses is replaced by the sweet scent of Her hair, by the softness of her skin, the sight of the deformed form of his soul and his permanent torment is replaced by the image of her smiling so sweetly, so purely at him the day before, by the soft touch of her silky hand on his own. The images of her sadistic sneer and painfully hateful words are replaced by a promise of a better and warmer tomorrow. The fear, the mind-numbing, heart-clenching fear her mere presence seems to produce in him lessens. He is still afraid, but not terrified, never again. Unconsciously, he holds her tighter, bringing the warmth she represents closer to his battered heart. The wounds start healing ever so slowly, the cuts that run so deep and sting so much are replaced by her, her and her own battered heart, as they both slowly mend and complete each other, if just a little bit. In his mind, the beast´s laughter can still be heard, yet he chooses to ignore it for once, and instead concentrates on the smell of her hair.

She breathes slowly, along with his healing chest, and listens to his beautiful heartbeat. She can feel both of their hearts healing ever so slowly, she feels the guilt and shame still there, but now she can fight them by actually doing something to make him feel better. She is not, under any circumstance, using her body to soothe him, or looking for a way to selfishly make herself feel better, no, it is so far deeper than a physical contact, so far deeper than seeking empty, meaningless comfort. It is a connection that none but them both can ever hope to understand. Their hearts, broken and bleeding; complete each other and help each other heal. No more revenge, no more hatred, no more ill desire, only warmth, only care as the morning arrives. It is a time for both of them, a time for forgiveness, for understanding, perhaps even for something more.

Finally she feels her hate dissipating; finally the nine white beasts pose no threat to her dreams, because, finally, he is there. And when he is there, holding her as tightly as he is now, no monster can hurt her, and the monster in her could, and would not hurt him as long as she tried her hardest to make it disappear, no monsters that night. They were broken, they had hated each other, they had relied on each other, they had betrayed each other, but they had remained side by side. In two years, they had created a bond so powerful, so unique that it could withstand thousands of different realities, where their personal traumas and fears had also not allowed them to be together. In Instrumentality, no matter the Universe, they had always been dependant on one another, even when in most cases; they had not been able to be with one another.

She has been running away all this time, running from this. For how long did she delude herself into thinking she needed no one? So afraid was she of human contact that she had decided to burn every last bridge she came across, yet no amount of fire and hate could ever burn this one. It is still so hard, so out of her nature to be kind to him, or to anyone, but she´s trying.

A memory comes to the mind of the redhead now, a world so very far away, a world where she had not known him, a world where she had been unhappy until her death, accompanied by meaningless relationships, empty, shallow kisses and disgusting mornings. True, she had never gone through so much pain in that universe, but she had never felt so strongly about anyone either. Could it be possible, to be forgiven for all she had done? Perhaps not, but, perhaps, one day, if she was able to be happy, if only for a moment, happy with him, then it would be enough, it would be more than worth it.

It is said that two broken people make one whole; perhaps, such was the case with Sohryu Asuka Langley and Ikari Shinji.

Together, holding onto each other, they rest. Her head lying on his chest, minding so very carefully his wounds, she traces his soon to be scars very gently, knowing they will always be a reminder of her hatred, of her stupidity and violence, of her lack of understanding. She looks at him and knows that whenever he sees the fine line around her arm, the circular shades around her body and the all but invisible scar on her eye he will feel weak, useless, pathetic and ashamed. She knows that there will have to be a serious conversation in hope of understanding the reasons of their behaviors, but for now, she can leave it all behind, not in escape, but in comfort and care and rejoice in being true to herself. Very calmly, she drifts off, feeling as his arm encircles her in the most gentle yet firm way imaginable, feeling as his hand warms her entire body, feeling him cuddle her closer to himself, without a care for his injuries, which she herself is guilty of, yet he cares not, simply because her company is worth any kind of pain. She is lulled to sleep so very smoothly as his heart beats in unison with her own. She realizes then, just how much she cares for him. Another saying comes to her mind.

'You never know what you have until you lose it'

It is so very true, she remembers when he was taken by Eva, probably never to return, she remembers her desperate tears every night, her anger every day at seeing his room empty, the despair hidden between biting comments and empty insults, she remembers that secret day, that secret day before he came back when she faced the monster and she demanded him back. "Give him back to me!" she had screamed, and could swear she'd heard the beast growl in response. She remembers the 12th, her anger being used to disguise her deepest fear and hysteria, the thought of never, ever seeing him again. She remembers when he left the Red Sea, the intense and total loneliness of her heart when missing his, even when she was united with the rest of humanity.

She remembers seeking him with such desperation and finally finding him, even when it was in the worst circumstances possible. But all of that matters not anymore, now she understands, finally understands, and wishes to remain in this perfect moment forever. Deep down in his dreams, he wishes that too. Not because she is a shield from his nightmares, but because she is the missing part of his decayed heart, the healthy part, the fire that will reestablish his will to live, to enjoy, to be happy. She heals the monster inside of him, who doesn't seem so decayed now, nor does he inspire so much fear in him. It recoils in her presence, as if struck by a force not even it can fight.

So very slowly, they drift off to sleep, together in a cocoon of warmth, where no nightmares or horrid flashbacks can touch them. Little by little, some of the many wounds inflicted by each other and themselves are mended, and even though many more still bleed and sting, there is hope that those too, will heal in time. No monsters to haunt them, no memories to chase them to insanity, nothing but the image of the other smiling, caring and holding them. With small smiles on their faces, they sleep, finally free from some of the pain.

And so, the wounds don't sting so much, the pain dulls, and hope grows within their mended hearts.

"You know, I… wanted you to want me. I thought… I thought you had to, you had to like me, you were mine. There was never another way. I could never stand seeing you talking to other girls, or looking at them, not even Misato…"

"…"

"Maybe… maybe I did what I did because I needed to know, I needed you to want me, even with all these scars, even when I was a monster, even if I had to force you… I needed you… I still do…"

With those calm, truthful words, she allows herself to be lulled to sleep by his heartbeat. She knows very well she has no right to be there with him, no right to touch him, or even apologize, but for that moment, she rests in his warmth, for one day she fails to listen to her pride and hate, and simply does what feels right. It´s still so hard to be good to him, but she will try, for both their sakes.

There are, on some rear cases, two souls so connected, so destined to complete each other, that no matter how much pain they cause one another, they will always remain true. There are, on some rear cases, connections so powerful, that they transcend time, space and universe, connections that exist in all varieties of different worlds and realities. In those cases, not even the greatest powers that be can separate them. Nothing can stand between them.

Time, as they say, heals all wounds.

* * *

Inhaling the sweet strawberry scent of Asuka's shampoo, the world came back to focus to Shinji's eyes. For the first time in more than a year, he felt well rested, with energy and surprisingly calm. That was, at least, until he saw the mane of red locks beside him. The fear came back full force, yet it did not last, nor did it consume his senses like times before. He could see the white al over his sterilized room, could feel her breath tickle on his throat and for a moment, he wondered if he had finally snapped and was lost in a dream world.

The smell of rotten flesh still infected his nostrils; the presence of the thing inside his mind had still not vanished. He felt hollow, empty, not even able to muster up enough strength to be afraid of his torturer. Dull eyes moved all around the room, trying to grasp the reality before them. He felt spread, stretched, like butter melting over too much bread. Was he still sane? No, it was impossible, in no sane world would Asuka be laying next to him and looking as peaceful as she looked then, no, she always frowned, even in her sleep.

Was all of it a dream, a distant nightmare? Was he still in the ocean of LCL? Had he been there all along? If so, when would Asuka start using him again? He was a toy, a punching bag, not even worthy to be called a doormat. Just an old, ragged and dried out doll. A doll, a plaything, something to be discarded. God, how many more times would he repeat the same boring speech inside his tired brain?

Why the hell could he not just crawl up and die? Which was the renderous task he had to finalize until he found some semblance of peace, besides being Asuka´s toy? Why did he even give a crap? No one else did. Nobody had lifted a finger for him during Instrumentality, not Misato, not Rei, and specially not Asuka. They had all abandoned him and left him to die once already, so why couldn´t they just do it again?

Maybe he was right for once, and soon everyone would leave and let him rot in peace, but for a moment, if only for a single day, he would enjoy the warmth and comfort he felt. The thing inside him could, with all due respect to the rotting corpse, go fuck itself for the day. It was weird, in a way. He felt… somehow at peace. There was still some much pain, fear and dread and _anger_ inside, but for that day, he would ignore all of it. Hazel eyes slid close as he sighed contently, holding the woman he had both loved and hated with such passion closer to himself, and rejoicing in the feeling of her arm holding him tighter as well. He could work on his anger, he could find a way and he would. Shinji Ikari might have been a monster, a pathetic human being, but he was not his father. He would not run away.

* * *

The chamber once used to decide the fate of mankind had once again been filled by the surviving leaders of the organization. Silence reigned on the circular assembly, the monoliths lay quiet, unused. Cracked and broken lay the Tablet, proportioning a visage of failure and despair into the minds of those who had survived but refused to relinquish their power. Even after Third Impact, not much had changed in politics and business, currency was still the currency of the realm, immaterial nonsense such as friendship or loyalty had never occupied a high place in politics, after all.

A disgruntled growl broke the silence of the Room of Conferences, bringing those attending out of their personal reveries and focusing their attention on the matters of substance to be discussed. Six of the former twelve monoliths came to life, illuminating the room with reddish lights and giving an ample visage of the destruction the Room had suffered.

"This… is an outrage!" Screamed 06, poison leaking from his voice.

"That insufferable brat dared to question Perfection, Complementation!" Added 02 in despair.

"Instrumentality has failed! Now our primary tool is orbiting Mars ´moon, with the Lance fused with it! Ikari´s boy failed even in the simplest of tasks! He had only to accept the beauty and absolute bliss of Complementation, yet he proof to be useless in that as well!"

Soon enough, chaos erupted from the Council chamber, every member attempted to show their own disdain for the Ikari child and their failure, each glaring at the broken Tablet facing them all, as a permanent reminder of a plan which had cost trillions of dollars and billions of lives. Bastard. Immature and petulant little brat. He would die, yes, he would die a slow and painful death after watching every ones of his loved ones suffer before him. The boy would be tortured to its furthest extent, until there was no more anguish to extract from him. Then, and only then, would the miserable brat be allowed to pass on.

"I call order." Growled 07 in irritation, and not a second after a pin could have been dropped on the floor and the sound would have reverberated throughout the entire hall. He had held his tongue the entire meeting, allowing the other… less refined but otherwise important gentlemen to express their colorful sentiments towards the boy who had doomed their ambitions. No matter, if Complementation was impossible, if they had to live in a world of imperfection and stupidity, then would rule it with an iron fist, they would shape the fate of the generations to come, and they would posses the power of gods.

"Reports indicate that the Second has regained activity, a Core beats within its innards, gentlemen. True, Complementation is impossible, but that was Keel´s main objective, not necessarily ours." Narrowing cold cobalt eyes, 07 allowed himself to smile.

"You forget, gentlemen, that there is still power in this world unable to be stopped, a force so rotten and corrupted, so utterly horrifying, that it still strikes fear on the hearts of those who created it."

"Your point, 07?" Asked 02 in anger.

"My point, gentlemen, is the following. If we are able to recover the Second, we will have the power of gods within our reach. Yes, the EVA Series is no more, but it´s sacrifice has provided us with power comparable with Unit 01. Do you not see? This is a new world, gentlemen… Our world, and we will decide how it is rebuilt. Within human nature is the need of a shepherd, a master, justice and laws, which we represent. We shall be the ones to rule this new world."

"Agreed." Said 04.

"Agreed." Shouted 08 and 05.

"Agreed." Muttered 06. 02, though, kept his silence.

"You forget, old friend, one crucial detail." Said 02 defiantly. 07 lifted an eyebrow at 02´s question, only to chuckle lightly at his comment.

"And what, old friend, would that detail be?"

"The Second is in NERV´s possession, as is the pilot. Our funds have been seized, and our forces significantly diminished. NERV is no longer in our control, and the United Nations have turned their backs on this organization. We hold very few allies, and close to no resources. How is it that you plan to accomplish your ambition, if you cannot even reach the weapon that will give us the leverage we need?"

07 laughed lightly, narrowing his eyes yet again. It was always beautiful to see a plan come to complete fruition, only this time nobody would be able to stand in hi way. He had the one thing that moved humanity besides fear; he possessed money, mountains of it. Money was all he needed to accomplish his so called `ambition´.

"It is you who forget a detail, 02. We still have an unstoppable force on our side. That force alone is capable of erasing any army that stands in its way. True again, he is no one´s side but his own, but I know how to force his Bolshevik petulant ass for us, gentlemen. You know the force of which I speak of, had we made use of him in the war against the Angels, it would have been terminated long before."

"You… you don´t mean…" Stuttered 02 in fear. 07 was delusional if he wanted to use _him._

"Yes, indeed I do."

"This is insanity, 07!" Screamed 06 through his communicator. "There is a reason why he wasn´t used in the Angel Wars! He cannot be controlled! He´s a loose canyon, he answers to no one! It´s more likely that he will kill us all instead of helping us!"

"Gentlemen, you will understand shortly."

"Do _you_ not understand! He cannot be controlled!" Screamed 02 in outrage.

"We don´t need to control him, you fools!" screamed 07 angrily in response. The nerve of these imbeciles.

"We need only to unleash him."

Silence fell again in the room. The risks were being analyzed by every attending member of the meeting. Using that thing was far too dangerous.

"This offers a considerable risk, 07. How will you stop him? I must remind you of the Siberia incident. The Unit clearly broke out of its restraints, and if I recall correctly, it cost us more than two hundred lives and over twenty billion dollars just to erase it from the media. If our research is correct, there is a deeper bond between him and the machine than what we understand at this point. It is risky to play that card, 07." 05 had always been the mathematic one, he calculated and used logic and probability to asses all situations.

"The boy desires, more than anything, his freedom gentlemen. In order to obtain it, he must work for us, or at least it is what he believes. Have you forgotten that we still have his pet in our possession?"

"And for how long?" asked 08. "You know that thing is as unstable as he is. There was nothing regarding that beast in the Dead Sea Scrolls, _nothing_, which is why we did not use it in the first place, 07. Are you certain you are willing to take that risk?"

"Modifications have been made, 08. You all have a right to be uncertain regarding him, but rest assured, if he steps out of line, I will boil him in his own dirty blood. New systems have been added to the Entry Plug, we can now monitor all of it´s movements and even manipulate its power. This force is in our hands."

"Proceed, then. We will decide the fate of this pitiful future and built it in the image of perfection. Yes, we controlled the world once, but now, we will have to rely on no one to make our decisions, we will have the weapons in our power." muttered 02 in agreement at last.

"It is time to move ahead, gentlemen. Now is our moment, our opportunity to take what belongs to us. ", said 05 with pride. Acceptance grew in the dark Hall, soon all their plans would be complete, and they would have the power to crush any puny insects that stood in their way. It was time to claim their vendetta. It was time to call _him._

"Gentlemen…" Uttered 07, before lapping into silence. Was he certain he wanted to take this risk?

Him. The army boy, the unspoken pilot, the boy nobody had ever heard about for good reason, for the very reason that he was _not_ a designated pilot. The good for nothing fucking orphan who had killed five of his seven commanding officers, the little bastard who had managed to almost kill Keel himself. He knew the workings of their organization so well, the sick little toad, that the crazy bastard had managed to get into Keel´s office and almost slice his metallic throat open. The nerve of the brat.

"Contact him…"

There were always some consequences when raising Child Soldiers, such as the possibility of them becoming deranged mass murderers and turning extremely rebellious, which required discarding them much too soon, only he could not be discarded since he was the only one able to control the beast they had hidden deep beneath Siberia. The boy had been a particularly exhaustive thorn on their side, never obeying their orders, even when they took every last thing from him, not even when they had tortured him, attempting to bow him to submission for hours on end and filling his body with hideous scars. No matter, the boy would finally be of use. They would have their revenge, even if they had to come to _him_ for help.

"Contact…The Russian."

* * *

Slowly, the scent of the ocean brought reality to focus. Eyes opened, lungs constricted and organs came to life in a body now completely human. Hazed thoughts organized, perceptions dissipated and the strange longing of the foreseen happiness made itself present in the unaccustomed chest of Ayanami Rei. The world was full of color, of smells and tastes and emotions all so foreign to her, all so frightening. Since conception, she had been taught to avoid such emotions and concentrate on her objective, on her _purpose_. Now, though, now there was no purpose anymore.

Lilith was no more, and in a last act of love towards her Children, the great mother had deemed her fit to live the life of a normal human being. It was such a strange sensation, to be human, quite hard to grasp and even more difficult to describe or interpret. This was not a blunt fact that needed nothing more than its memorization, no, this was… it simply was. And it felt wonderful.

_Freedom…_

Freedom felt incredible. There was so much she could do, so much she could see, taste, explore, love, hate, adore, worship, despise, accept and overall _experience_, that the mere thought of her possibilities made her dizzy.

Slowly, she rose from her lying position on the soft, white sand and was subjected to one most amazing view. The sun was setting over Tokyo. It was… breathtaking. Where there had only been destruction and pain, now life bloomed, where battles had been waged not long before, flowers grew and prospered with a beautiful balance.

She rose, for once self-aware of the fact that she wore clothes and for once thankful for it. She felt… uneasy when naked, perhaps the word to describe such a sensation would be shame. It alone made her feel simply happy, happy to feel, happy to be _alive. _She walked along the beach in glee, allowing the wind to caress her bluish strands of short, silky hair. Sadly enough, much too soon was her blissful awakening interrupted by a face, a face and a memory.

Soon enough she felt her body overcome with a new and amazingly strong, poisonous sensation, a profound and almost instinctual feeling. It was an emotion often associated with a certain number of situations, one of such would be that of an older brother watching his little sister get hurt by a bully, or that of a girl as she watched her hero, her older brother, drink himself to death over some tramp not even worth his presence, the feeling that came with watching your younger brother get robbed and beaten without remorse, the instinctive reaction a wolf displayed when its kin was in danger. It was a deep, primal, hot sensation she felt rising from within, a hot vortex of emotion that boiled with restrained space and dark fire that threatened to consume her senses.

Rage. Raw, brotherly, unforgiving, stifling, blinding, uncontrollable and _righteous _Rage.

* * *

Misato sat with a mug of cold, tasteless coffee in her hands. She did not know what to make of things as of late, nor did she know how to react to the events that had transpired only moments before, she truly had no idea of what to do for the children she held so dear to her heart. What had just transpired was truly amazing, Asuka had managed to do what no medication and no comfort had managed to do for Shinji ever before, she had been able to soothe his subconscious. The very thought of Shinji's subconscious brought even more worries to Misato's hazed and tired mind.

"God, Ritsuko…" She whispered hoarsely to her former friend, sitting beside her.

"What does that poor boy see…? Did you hear him scream? Oh God… what horrors must he be seeing…?"

"It's most likely Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Misato. After all he's been through; he probably has nightmares so vivid that he actually feels he's living them… All the battles he was in… witnessing the end of the world… being the only human being on Earth for God knows how long… it's a damn miracle he hasn't gone completely insane yet…"

Ritsuko's tone was resentful, sorrowful even. Even when it held the professional edge she adopted when speaking of scientific matters, the pure, raw self-hatred is crystal-clear in her voice.

"I don't like it."

Misato's voice broke the apparent silence that seemed to have fallen upon them. Her comment was as strange as it was unexpected.

"What exactly is it that you don't like, Misato?" Asked Ritsuko bitterly, knowing full well it was probably another of her comments revolving around her involvement in the End of the world, yeah, sure, another 'you're such a bitch and don't even deserve to be near my precious, little Sh-

"I don't like to leave that girl there with Shinji."

Ritsuko's eyes almost bulged out her sockets. If the woman in front of her disliked having Asuka be close to Shinji, why did she always insist on bringing the troublesome child with her every time she visited Shinji?

"So why do you let her get close to him? Asuka´s just as affected as he is, Misato. She probably thinks what she did was right. I´ve been around in the past 6 months, that girl… she abused him in every way possible."

Misato´s eyes turned resentful, angry even. Yes, Ritsuko was right, she remembered Asuka´s comments every time she asked about Shinji´s bruises, `the little worm had it coming´; `he deserved it´, `he´s an idiot´, and so on. But then, why did Asuka look so absolutely crushed? Why did she actually felt guilty after eight months?

"I don´t know what to do. The mother in me tells me to rip that brat away from him and mail her crazy ass straight back to Germany, but the other side of me tells me I´d be doing Shinji more damage if I did. I just… don´t know what to do anymore."

Despair bled over Misato´s tone, her face wrinkled in worry and weariness. She looked so much older and sadder than the Misato who had helped defeat the angels and miles away from the Misato she had gone to college with. She really did hate herself at that moment, because she was about to deliver more bad news to a woman who just needed a week´s rest with her broken little family.

Sighing, Ritsuko decided to get it done.

"Misato, listen… There are more urgent matters we have to discuss." As the Mayor moved to challenge her statement and imply what could be more important that her Shinji suffering a complete mental breakdown, she stopped her.

"Unit Two activated on its own no less than a day ago." Misato´s eyes bulged open, all the color draining from her face.

"H-How…"

"We don´t know. Somehow, the core managed to regenerate and evolve by itself, it simply turned into a Super Selunoid core and re-activated Unit Two, but that´s not all…"

Ritsuko took a moment to compose herself, trying to rid the image of the video feed on the Graveyard. The way that… that beast had just about devoured the EVA Series, it was just disgusting. It had taken its time, the horrendous monster-

"What, Ritsuko, what is it?" Demanded Misato, shaking her on the shoulder and almost making the coffee mug fall on the floor.

"It… It _ate_ the EVA Series, Misato. Simply ate them, like Unit One ate the Fourteenth, with just one difference. The EVA Series still had all their cores more or less intact, they were simply inactive. Now, now that thing has absorbed all nine cores into itself."

"Why didn´t you do something to stop it?" Demanded Misato, standing from the table in anger.

"Like what? This is an _Evangelion _we´re talking about here! What war machine developed by man aside from _another_ EVA could possibly stop that thing?" Screamed Ritsuko in her former friend´s face.

Misato seemed to accept her answer and sat back down, taking a large breath to compose herself. It was impossible; she had seen the remains of Unit Two, it was simply impossible that it could have rebuilt itself. There was no way, but what was worse was what would happen, should the government, or worse, the UN knew about it. They would attempt to take it for themselves and copy it, in an attempt to create the ultimate weapon.

It was simply human nature, after all.

"Damn…" Muttered Misato at last. "What the hell are we gonna do?"

"I… don´t know either. There have been reports that SEELE it´s still active, even if they´re at their weakest they are a potential threat. Now that the world knows exactly how much power we´ve been manipulating, every influential entity still existent will want it for itself, we have to find a way to destroy it."

"Yeah, try telling that to Asuka."

The two females fell into silence once again. Misato resisted the sudden urge to groan out to the heavens. It just wasn´t fair, they deserved a damn break. Now she´d have to tell Asuka that her Evangelion had been magically restored, and the best part, that the Evangelion possibly containing her mother´s soul was about to be nuked to Kingdom Come.

It took three extra seconds for her to make her choice.

"You know what? You deal with this shit. I´m sick of this, I´m sick and tired of having to run here because my children suffer from the deepest traumas anyone has ever seen, I´m sick of not being able to relax in my own fucking house, I´m tired of waking up and being loaded with the world's personal piles of shit on my table, I´m sick of having to deal with all of these fucking media parasites trying to get answers that I don´t have, I´m sick of feeling so fucking guilty of all the time and I´m sick of you!"

By the time she was done, she had the mug in her hand, her foot on the table and her arm ready to swing the poor, innocent mug into the wall. Breathing in relief, she set the cup down and relaxed. Ritsuko looked like he had just been slapped, and it looked beautiful.

"You can deal with all this shit, it´s your mess after all, you know. I´m gonna wait for my Shinji-kun to heal, and then I´m gonna go on a long, expensive vacation that _you _will be paying, so consider this my official resignation to all this crap, find yourself a new Sub-Commander."

She exited the dining area with a satisfied smile on her face, feeling powerful and free and simply untouchable.

"Oh, and I expect a huuuge bonus with that´ll keep me having to work another day and live a life of luxury, as I expect tons of cash for the kids, and of course that includes college, cars, parties, travels, the works. See ya!"

Ritsuko stood there perplexed, watching in disbelief a Misato all but skipped her way into Shinji´s room. She didn´t even have a chance to tell her that the Commander, the Bastard King himself, had returned from the Sea of Goo, as the purple haired former Mayor liked to refer to it, and sooner or later said Bastard King would want to know if his son was still alive.

…

What the hell, Misato deserved a break.

"Well…" she blinked finally, speaking to no-one. "That sounds fair."

* * *

Attempting, against everything in her nature, to be quiet and cautious, Misato all but tip-toed her way into the small hospital room currently housing her two young children. The room somehow seemed a bit homier, it felt warm, comfortable. Like home. Slowly, she managed to arrange herself cozily in a chair with the aid of some stolen pillows and blankets. Her eyes fell on the young pair dozing off in Shinji´s bed. Making sure there was no hanky panky, she relaxed and watched with amusement how Asuka had managed to position herself on Shinji´s bed without compromising his injuries on the machines around him, which by the way didn´t seem as many as weeks before.

Not even minding the fact that it was well over noon, and absolutely not the proper time for it, she fell into a deep, relaxing and well deserved nap. A deep, relaxing and 18-hour lasting nap…

Fuck. He had not even managed to get out of the elevator. As soon as the former Commander had set foot on NERV, the authorities had been summoned from all over the Nation. Of course, it was to be expected, after all. Twenty JSDDF soldiers had been waiting for him, along with two UN representatives and over ten police officers. Not a word had they said, instead, the had simply grabbed him, cuffed him, a rather useless precaution considering he only had one hand, and proceeded to exit him out of the facilities in front of every paparazzi around, creating a spectacle of pathetically big proportions.

Fuck.

He knew nothing of his son, nothing of his organization. The halls and metallic doors had never felt so welcoming and so small, so few and so lonely. His kingdom was the mirror image of him. A palace of solitude, a fortress designed to crush every last human close to it and leave them as shattered and cold as the King himself.

As he was carried out of his own organization cuffed; arrested and publicly humiliated, he could only think of SEELE´s plan and the government´s procedure, should Third Impact fail or be averted. It was sickening, twisted and already in motion. Search and Destroy. They would hunt each and every person involved in anything regarding NERV and slaughter them without mercy or remorse. But that wasn´t all, they would kill all their family members, all their relatives. Search and Destroy, that meant the Government was not only preparing to strike, they were already working in a convincing cover-up. He knew that SEELE had yet to reveal its deadliest weapon, he knew of the thing being restrained in Siberia and he knew they had already sent their elites to do the government´s dirty work. Most likely, they had reserved the worst of them to handle him and his family.

He would not allow it, he would not allow them to harm the Children he had so viciously manipulated for years. All he had done, he had done for a false dream, a false promise. He too had been manipulated, yet the truth remained. He had planned his own son´s traumas, he had manufactured the conditions and encouraged his son´s fall into madness and total despair. Shinji did not deserve to pay for that, neither did Asuka, or Rei, or any of the innocents who had only done their job in NERV. He would not let those innocents be hurt further, even if he had to give his life, even if he had to endure the worst tortures known t mankind.

As Ikari Gendou was let out of the Geo-Front, his eyes bore the signs of endless determination; his expression was that of a man on a mission. Had someone bothered to mention or even notice, had the paparazzi not been too busy taking useless pictures of him and throwing loud questions that would go unanswered, had someone stared into his face with a knowing eye, they´d had seen the resemblance between father and son.

It was somewhat ironic that at their bravest, boldest and most selfless moments, both father and son looked exactly the same.

* * *

The office was quiet, as all lay untouched inside the small room. Stains of dark red can be seen over the dark, the smell of blood and gunpowder infect the atmosphere as silence reins over the entire area. The rapid breathing of a man breaks the calm for a moment, then, the hurried stumbling of feet infest the office, as terrified screams are heard from afar. A figure turns, desperate, and runs for cover underneath the table, praying to whatever deity that still roams the Earth to please spare him of a horrible fate. Soon, very quiet steps can be heard, one resonates after the other as another figure turns visible in the fogy darkness that covers the small room.

The one behind the table, a man, tries not to choke on his own spit as he holds his breath, clutching his NERV insignia for all he's worth. Everyone else is dead, dead or dying. They never saw it coming; the attack was so suppressive and unexpected, so utterly powerful and sudden, they had never stood a chance, they were only a small research facility of a huge organization, no more than a storage facility than anything else.

The steps turn to him, and ever so slowly come threateningly close to the table under which he's hiding. He can _smell _death around him, can smell the blood that's splattered all over the office. He thinks of his wife preparing a home made meal, thinks of his two children sitting at home, watching cartoons before going to bed. He thinks of the stupid dog, waggling its furry tail whenever he arrives home too tired to even give it a second glance. He thinks of dinner with his family on Sunday evenings, and regrets not petting the stupid dog a bit more.

The table is turned, and the man freezes like a deer caught in the headlights. The figure in front of him is not so large, yet not small at all. Probably a boy, about eighteen years old most likely. The boy stinks of blood.

"P…pp…plea-please… I have children… please…please don't kill me..!"

Raw terror can be heard in the man's voice, raw terror that is turned into absolute terror when the boy grabs him by the throat and lifts him to eye level with no apparent effort. The eyes of that boy, god, they are more frightening that everything else he has seen in his life, and he has seen some shit. It is like looking into the Reaper's empty sockets, there is nothing there, nothing but bloodlust. The boy enjoys himself in watching him squirm.

"Well…" says the figure calmly in fluent Japanese, as he squeezes the life out of the man. "That would depend on what you tell me…" So calm, so devoid of anything, so lacking of any compassion or disgust, considering the fact that the boy has just massacred over a hundred people, more than half of them with his bare hands. Unarmed technicians, mechanics, scientists, none of them with any weapon´s training whatsoever.

"W…w…wha-what… What do you want!" screams the man hysterically, feeling the so needed oxygen leave his lungs, as the boy's iron grip tightens around his neck. Suddenly he can feel the boy's hot breath on his face, he can smell the sandwich the boy ate for lunch, and it frightens him that much more to be closer to his own death.

"What do you know… about the Evangelion pilots?" The boy's eyes change, as an interested hunger covers his murderous gaze. The man knows he has to talk if he wants to live, even if NERV kills him afterwards. Anything is better than being in the hands of this, this monster. So, he starts talking, he tells the boy everything he knows, leaving no detail out, he roams through files and delivers photographs, diaries, videotapes, everything. Adresses, names, reports, synch tests results. He even gives the boy a disk with all the information he could possibly need on the pilots. He hates himself for it, knowing full well he is dooming the children to their death, but he is doing it for his own children, for his family. So he does what he is told, but when he sees the boy smile coldly at him after taking what he wants, he knows he will not live. Maybe it´s the boy´s eyes that gives it away, or maybe it´s the 9mm. Makarov handgun pressing against his throat.

"But… but you said…!"

"So I lied, sue me. Oh, wait! You can´t…hehehe…"

Two seconds later, a single shot is heard, and the office falls back into silence. The boy walks through the building, not even minding the corpses lying all around him, nor does he mind the pained and horrified groans of those few who managed to survive yet are unable to escape. He has been in so many battles, seen so much blood and guts and horror and _death_ that walking through a filed of soon-to-be corpses does not bother him at all. Seventeen years old, and he is already devoid of any compassion or goodwill.

Plugging headphones into his ears, he allows the blessed music to infest his brain, taking him to a world of art and power. Dream Theater´s `In The Name Of God´ resonates in his brain as he relaxes, taking a joint out of his pocket. Lighting it, he eyes the file containing the pictures. Heh, the brats look so weak and pathetic, so utterly helpless. Bah, pitiable little children. He pities them so very completely, well, maybe he pities the girl. The boy, though… the boy is rather interesting. He had been offered a fake heaven, with fake but constant happiness, with endless worlds and endless possibilities and had cleaned his scrawny ass with it, just to return to a broken world with a bitch that treated him like a mangled dog. The kid has balls, and he respects that.

At the very least, he will have a blast hunting them down. NERV is a difficult organization to infiltrate, after all. His thoughts, however, are washed away as the music flows within him like the bloodlust he feels, and he rejoices in the riffs as they ascend and change, bringing the piece to a magnificent crescendo.

"Listen… when the prophet speaks to you… killing… in the name of God…"

Exiting the building, his communicator rings, bringing him out of his heavenly relaxation. Blowing a mouthful of smoke, he pushes the small button on his belt and takes the earphone out, placing the communicator on his left ear instead.

"Do you have the information?" growls a voice in broken Russian through the communicator. God, he hates these pretentious bastards. Everything is about money to them, money, money, money, like Pink Floyd ´s song. _Bah, money is bullshit if you have no fun with it,_ thought the boy grimly. He´d spend the money on travels, women and drugs and be left broke in a week if he could, now _that _was life!

"Da." That is his only answer before the line goes dead. A message arrives to his communicator, giving the code to collect his earnings for yet another successful mission. Fuck, he´d do it for free if they allowed him to. Death was, after all, his job, and he was very f..ing good at it. Besides, it had been a while since had been able to go all out like that.

Looking at his watch, a small smile crosses over his face. Soon enough, he´ll turn his captor´s plans upside down and destroy them completely, taking everything for himself. There are only two things that matter to him anymore, power and blood. Soon, he will have all the power he needs, and those SEELE bastards will regret ever contacting him, they will regret ever fucking with him. Blood and power, death and glory, the only motivations of a true warrior, unlike these little brats he was entrusted to destroy.

"Greedy pigs… all they care about is money…" He mutters to himself while counting the seconds left to the show, he´s always liked fireworks after all. The mission was to collect the information and leave no witnesses, so he decided to create a masterpiece of death and fire. The poor fools think he does what he does because of money. Money of all things, poor ignorant bats.

"It´s not about money… It´s about sending a message." With that last phrase, a huge explosion is heard. The underground base explodes in a beautiful mosaic of reds, oranges and grays. Simply gorgeous. Fire consumes everything, and the smell of burning flesh can be felt from miles away.

"Everything burns."

As the fire illuminates the dark night, an enormous figure can be distinguished behind the boy. His black uniform is covered in blood that still leaks from his knifes, but that does not bother him, he is accustomed to the smell and the sensation. The figure moves without as much as a command, extending a hand for him to climb. Two blood red eyes light up in the night, as the figure of a bestial Evangelion activates on its own. Black armor covers it´s body, with the exception of its shoulders, where a red X can be seen on each side. It´s facial mask resembles that of Unit 01, minus the horn. Built in secret, found, not cloned out of some useless fetus, the dark EVA stands tall as it awaits it´s master´s commands. It resembles a beast more than it does a human.

The boy climbs on the enormous hand, calmly smoking his joint and enjoying the fires that consume the base, not even flinching as the gigantic beast lifts him to its shoulder. He relaxes as he listens to his favorite song. Opening the folder again, he snatches the picture of the brown haired boy who´s supposed to be his primary target. A slow, painful death, they told him. Pff, idiots, even when he _is _completely insane, he´s not about to go and kill the world´s savior, there would be no sport in that, no fun, maybe some challenge, but little satisfaction in the end. The only thing he needs from NERV, from the boy, is information, then he can move and finally rid the world of those obnoxious old farts and take their power for himself. The power of gods and demons, the power to be _free_.

"So, Ikari Shinji… I think you and I are going to be good friends." Laughing at his own little joke, he rejoices in the display of fire and brimstone in front of him, the wondrous sight of a job well done, of a masterpiece as it is finished. The music blasts from his earphones as the smell of burning bodies assaults his senses. He inhales the scent happily, knowing it all too well, he can picture them, all of the poor little parasites unlucky enough to survive his attack, can _see _them as their skin is melted by the raging fires all around, can hear their blood boiling inside their bodies, he can see as they trash around, only to be slowly tortured in a horrific spectacle of burning flesh, a spectacle that lasts as long as it takes for the charred muscle and skin to melt off the bone, leaving nothing but beautiful ashes behind. He has at least seven hours of fun.

"Justifying violence… Citing from the Holy Book… Teaching hatred in the name of God…"

His eyes widen in anticipation of the meal to come, the lust for battle overflowing his senses as the song changes. He can´t help but start laughing, the sounds reverberates from his chest slowly at first, and only seconds later the screams and cries for help are accompanied by an insane laughter which completes the sweet symphony of death and destruction. He keeps laughing, simply because he truly finds it amusing. The sounds disappear into the night as fire consumes everything and all along, he can´t help but agree with his own ideology.

Everything burns.

**TBC…..**

**

* * *

**

Inspirational Music: The Dark Eternal Night, A Rite of Passage, In the name of God- **Dream Theater**; Old and Wise, La Sagrada Familia-**Alan Parsons Proyect**; Born To Raise Hell, The King of Kings-** Motorhead**; Seek And Destroy, Master of Puppets- **Metallica**; High Hopes, Marooned- **Pink Floyd**

AN: Well, all I can say is, again, I´m sorry for letting so much time go by, but you know, college and stuff… I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! For all of you who thought this story was dead, well, it´s barely beginning! And for all those who thought this was just another `magical happily ever after´, well, it´s got more! Lots more! There will be fighting, there will be romance, there will be despair, pain , hate, violence, love, peace and war! More than anything, I want to thank all of you who have stayed with this story thus far, you al know who you are hehehe, but anyway, really, thanks for all your support! Oh, that little part about brotherly rage was for all you overprotecting siblings all around! I both HAVE and Am an overprotective brother, so, you all know what I mean! Rambling again… anyways… I hope you ALL enjoyed this chapter and remember, Reviews = Writing power!

PEACE.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Indeed, New Chapter fresh off the oven! Enjoy! and remember, Read AND review! Don´t own anything!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter Ten. Ninth Act: Comfortably Numb

Life.

Some say life is the most precious gift ever given. Some say life is to be respected at all costs, that there is nothing in this world more valuable than life. What is it, to live? It is to exist, to follow ones instincts and survive in a given environment, as all the other billions of creatures all around us? Or is it more? Is it to love, to hurt, to forgive, to avenge and to weep? What is the essence of living? How valuable is life, truly?

If by killing one person, one single, special person, you could prevent a mayor catastrophe and save billions of lives, would you do it? Even knowing that this person has family, friends and loved ones? Would you? Would you do it? The fact remains, all life is valuable, a treasure, a gift to be respected and cherished, but if it so, then why is it that there is so much death all around? Why is there so much pain all around? Why is there so much suffering?

I´ll ask again, if by killing one single person, you could prevent billions from getting hurt, from being involved in a horrible, horrible disaster, would you do it? Even knowing that this person has been manipulated his or her entre life, in order to bring them to such a state, in which they have no choice but to provoke that disaster? Even knowing that this person was, in fact, not at all responsible for the events to unfold, yet was necessary?

No. You wouldn´t. Not with him, anyway.

For years, I asked myself why I didn´t do anything to stop it, why I allowed a cold, ruthless man to be the object of my desire, why I actively participated in the end of the world, why I used children in sickening ways to obtain a pathetic, insipid paradise of _nothing. _I don´t know.

I don´t know. For all the knowledge I posses, for the life of me I cannot think of a good enough reason.

I could have killed Shinji at any point in his life. I could have sent a mercenary, much like the ones soon to be after our heads, to rid him of his misery, or I could have poisoned him at any moment during the year he spent working at NERV, and it would have been considered an act of compassion, towards humanity and towards the boy himself. I could have created a malfunction in his EVA and it would have looked like an accident, but I didn't. At first, it was because I simply had no interest in him at all, besides his use in the Commander´s plan, and later it was because I thought I could use him to get my revenge on that bastard father of his. In the End, though, after seeing it all, after sensing his pain, his anguish and his anger, I could do nothing but feel guilty and pathetic.

Oh, but I did something. I showed him just how sick and twisted his father was, and just how much like him I had become just by wishing to be in his poisoning, pestilent presence. I used and regarded him as nothing more than an asset, means to an end, just like his father. Ha, I never did understand why the boy craved his father´s acknowledgement with such ferocity. Just for that man´s praise, for his presence, Shinji climbed countless times in that monster that took away his mother, his dreams and his sanity. How very fucking ironic life is, Me, the Head of the Evangelion Research Department, me, the one person who understands the nature of Evangelions like the palm of my hand, would end up hating these beasts with all my heart. I want nothing more than to blow them all half way to Hell and prevent anyone else from suffering this curse, this penance for playing God. Everything the Evangelion touches, it leaves broken and unrecognizable behind. I only find it fitting if this takes my life as well.

I wondered for a long time in that Sea too, feeling sorry for myself, lying to myself in a fake world after the other, existing within the womb of Humanity and being one with every last person in this world. Now, when I think of it, it makes me sick. Every time I see those monsters, every time I remember the Angels, it makes me sick. Hell, even the smell of LCL makes me sick now.

I wanted to run away for ever, to stay in that place and not be bothered again, but I felt it, I felt her presence as she attempted to reach out for me, to save me from despair and illusion. It´s amazing, how blind and forgiving the human heart is. In the midst of all my horrible actions, in the midst of me loosing whatever humanity I had left, one single person accepted me, with all my flaws, with all my shit and with all my traumas.

Maya is the reason I´m doing this. Don´t get any funny ideas, I really do feel as a monster for what I did to those children, I feel like a monster every time I go to bed, but unlike Misato, I will do something to ensure their lives are better. I promised Maya, I promised her I would change, I promised I would be a better person, and what better way to start than by trying to aid the people I helped destroy?

Everything is so complicated right now. It´s not over, Misato thinks it is, but it´s not, it will never be over unless we destroy those monsters, those beasts for good. Countries will always be at war with each other, be it direct, economic or psychological, there will always be conflict between the powers that be, and because of that Evangelions cannot exist. As long as they roam the Earth, there will be a constant danger over the world.

I will work until there is nothing left in me, I will work until my eyes bleed and my head explodes, but I will protect them. I will not allow ANYTHING else to happen to them, and under no circumstances whatsoever will I allow them to ever fight again. They deserve better, they deserve to be happy, to be complete with each other. I will protect them, with every fiber in my being.

God, don´t you just hate the fact that Instrumentality makes you grow a conscience?

* * *

The brilliant fake-blond typed furiously, her eyes glued to the screen and her brain solving impossible equations in lightning-fast speed. These readings, these readings she was getting made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Just that night, the MAGI had detected some kind of pattern at the south of Okinagua. What existed on this Earth that could manifest an AT-Field, but was neither Angel nor EVA? She had to figure this out before her pen-pal decided to pay her another non-scheduled visit.

She continued analyzing the readings and comparing the pattern with that of all the registered Angels, but there was nothing like it on the MAGI´s memory. That was bad. That was really, really bad. Head between her hands, she glared at the screen which didn't seen to be willing to give her proper answer to her problem before a cup of hot, steaming, delicious coffee was presented to her by a hand she knew only too well.

"Here you go, Sempai." Said Maya as she placed the mug on the table beside her working station.

"Thank you, Maya. I needed that." Answered the fake blonde.

"Haha, yeah, you looked just about ready to pass out. Why don´t you take a break, Sempai? I´ll keep running over this data."

Ritsuko sighed at her companion, smiling slightly at her.

"That´s just like you, isn´t it? Don´t worry Maya, I´ll rest in a bit, I´m just waiting for some information I requested from NERV-Moscow. I´ll go to bed in a few…" She lied to her assistant. She could not possibly tell her who´s call she was waiting for.

"I heard Sub-Commander resigned, is it true Sempai?" Ritsuko laughed good-heartedly at that, remembering her friend´s outburst in the cafeteria.

"Just give that woman a day, Maya. She can´t sit still and do nothing, it´s not like her. I can assure you that before this day is over, she´ll take her job back."

"Care to bet on that?" Yelled Hyuuga from the hallway, showing his face through the door. Maya fumed, puffing her cheeks.

"Makoto-kun, you should know better than that!" Maya looked positively insulted at the thought of healthy betting, oh well. She´d have to make a proper woman out of her yet.

"Oh, give it a rest, you two. Fine, I´ll bet you. Two thousand yen say she´ll be asking for her job in the morning." She watched with amusement as Makoto gave her the thumbs-up and hurried through the door before a lamp came in contact with his head.

"Take a break, Maya. Go home, get some rest, I´ll be there soon." Smiling, Maya nodded, turning back before remembering something.

"Okay! Just don't strain yourself too much. Here, I brought you your gum." With that, she handed Ritsuko a small pack of chewing gum and turned to leave, a satisfied smile on her young face. Maya was sort of the conscience of NERV-Tokyo, and most specially, she was the good doctor´s conscience.

She happily eyed the pack of strawberry-flavored gum by her coffee mug and snatched one. Ah, yes, her new addiction. It was amazing how a pack of gum and some good company managed to rip her off her dependence on cigarettes. Bless those plastic-tasting delights.

She relaxed for a few minutes, simply enjoying the silence of Headquarters at one o´clock in the morning. She was robbed of her relaxation; however, as a message beeped on her computer. She was force to get back to business.

**_: THIS LINE IS SECURE. THEY ARE MOVING. YOU HAVE TWO MONTHS BEFORE IT BEGINS.**

She frowned at this. Two months, yes, that would make enough time to finish all the preparations, enough time to put everything in place and be ready for the strike to come. She frowned deeper, this person, this John Doe had communicated with her, this person had managed to hack the MAGI´s mainframe and access her personal information, which meant whoever this person was, he or she knew all about them, all about NERV.

**R.A: It is going according to what we anticipated, then. The preparations are being finished as of yet. When it begins, we will be ready. **

**_: GOOD. INCREASE SECURITY DETAIL ON THE CHILDREN. CAMERAS ARE USELESS; SEELE WILL HACK THEM AND FOLLOW THEIR MOVEMENTS. YOURS AS WELL.**

**R.A: Understood. I have questions.**

Moments passed, as if the individual on the other side of the line was pondering on her concerns. After a moment, a beep was heard.

**_: ASK.**

**R.A: Who the hell are you? Why are you helping me? Why are you helping them? **

Her head was a mess, this secrecy was killing her. It was impossible to trust someone without meeting them, but she had no choice. This character, it knew so much about everything. Ritsuko suspected it was some sort of double agent working for the Government who had managed to infiltrate SEELE. If that was the case, she needed to be careful; she really couldn't trust the Government. She couldn´t trust anyone.

**_: YOU NEED NOT TO CONCERN YOURSELF WITH NONSENSE. TWO MONTHS. IF YOU DO YOUR PART, SEELE WILL DISSAPEAR AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE SAFE. YOU HAVE MY WORD.**

_`Well, that´s comforting. A empty oath made by someone I don´t even know. Fuck…´_

**R.A: How can I believe in an oath given by someone I don´t know?**

**_: YOU CANNOT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. HAVE YOU USED THE CONTACT I FACILITATED? **

She frowned yet again. He was right, she had no choice and yes, she had used the contact, and it had been oh so very helpful. The good doctor was preparing herself for a war, and now she had the best weapons and soldiers money could buy thanks to the "contact" this so called R had so selflessly provided. How in the hell this person had even known from such matters was totally alien to her, much like the identity of this strange person.

**R.A: Yes. Everything will be ready according to schedule. **

**_: GOOD. BE CONSCIENT OF THIS; IT WILL NOT ATONE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. YOU WILL, AT SOME POINT, BE PROSECUTED AND PROPERLY AJUSTIFIED. WILL YOU BE READY?**

She smiled at that. Yes, she´d be ready. She couldn´t die, not anymore, not when Maya was dependant of her. She couldn´t leave the person who had searched and found her in the endless Nothing that was Instrumentality.

**R.A: I will be ready. Just ensure their safety. **

**_: UNDERSTOOD. I WILL CONTACT YOU TO SCHEDULE OUR NEXT DEFRIEFING. OVER AND OUT.**

And just like that, her computer shut down and rebooted, as was protocol. This was the only way to ensure their… conversations were not available to anyone. She smiled lightly. Two months was more than enough. If SEELE wanted war, they would have war. She had her own little army prepared to protect what needed to be protected, ready to fight until death. Even if it took every last ounce of strength and sanity she had left, she would protect the members of her organization.

`_God is in His heaven and we are here. All will be right with the world…´_

With that last thought, Ritsuko eyed the video feed from Shinji´s room, watching as both Shinji and Asuka snuggled closer to each other with every passing hour. It still amazed her how the girl had managed to snake around him while being so careful, even in her sleep, as to not upset his injuries. That was a very weird pair, alright.

Remembering what this unnamed individual had informed her, she cut the video feed clean off, taking extra precautions to ensure no additional cameras were on the room. The machine reading Shinji´s vitals was connected to her portable PDA, so should anything happen, she´d be the first to know. It made little difference, she had a team of doctors, nurses and even agents to make sure Shinji´s recovery was complete.

Sighing one last time, she picked up the files scattered all over her desk and left, feeling exhausted, but strangely safe.

* * *

_A brief approach into the psyche of Sohryu Asuka Langley…_

_June Sixth, 2016._

_He had been cooking dinner, she remembered. She always preferred to attack him when he was at his happiest, at his weakest, which was when she was finally able to break through the thick, broken layer of armor slowly solidifying around his heart. It was getting extensively harder to make him suffer, make him emit those choked, pathetic sounds of despair she both loathed and adored so much. Some part of her attempted to reason with a brain refusing to understand, so she ignored the side of her that begged on hands and knees to please, please _stop, _just like always_. She only listened to the voice when it was too late. _But she would not stop, she could not. It had become her addiction, her only way of survival, of washing out the rage that poured through her every time she laid naked, facing the bathroom mirror and watching with utter disgust the scars that ran all around her body. _

_It was the only way to feel like everything she had done had not been in vain, the only way to still feel somewhat superior, the only way of dealing with all the pain was making someone else taste it. He was such a bastard, pretending that by staying, by being her servant, her slave, he could repair the damage he had done. Such a selfish, disgusting little creature, only wanting to serve her and get punished so he could feel a bit less sick with himself. Selfish, oh so very very selfish. Selfish, just like Mama._

_All of this she thought as she observed from the corner of the room, observed how meticulously he added every ingredient, how he carefully, almost lovingly, stirred the mixes and inhaled the sweet scents he was able to create. Comfort food, such was his specialty. How very fucking ironic. _

_At times like these it was almost difficult to hate him, almost. The same happened whenever she touched his hand or gazed at _his _scars. The ones on his hands were specially gruesome, the perfect circles ran all the way through his palm gave her the creeps, the skin itself felt like a callous around the circle. On the outside of his hand, it was merely a slight discoloration, but his palms…_

_Whatever. It didn't matter, nothing did anymore. The only thing that mattered, the only thing keeping her from putting a bullet through her head, the only reason she had not gone back to her own pathetic, ruined miserable excuse of a country, was revenge. She wanted revenge, she wanted to watch him squirm and hurt, wanted to make him suffer and use him until he broke. Or maybe that is what she told herself so she wouldn´t have to admit that she needed his presence, she still felt drawn to him, even after all that had happened. _

_He kept doing his fancy little cooking act, not even noticing her. That worried her, before, whenever she was near him, he would react to her presence, in some way. After the Impact though, it was as if he was unreachable most of the time, caught too far away in a world beyond reality, running away from life, from everything. Bah, the little bastard hadn´t changed one bit. _

_She smiled coldly as the plan unfolded itself in her brain. She had very special birthday present for him, oh yes she did…_

Please, stop it…

_Misato would not come that night. She had apologized so profoundly, being the hypocritical bitch she was, and poor, gullible little Shinji had believed she would truly honor her oath to be home by seven to celebrate his birthday, he had believed they´d have a birthday party just like any other family. She had even promised a cake. Ha, how laughable, a cake. A fucking cake of all things. Even if the drunkard had managed to drag her sorry ass on time, she would have probably found out she had forgotten the cake, or would have probably brought the wrong flavor. _

_She waited until he finished his preparations and settled the table into place. She watched with twisted amusement that he had made a small chocolate muffin for himself, one for Misato and the other presumably for her. They were neatly arranged, cooling off on a colorful little plate. She noticed one of the muffins had frosting on it, hmm, that was probably hers. How pathetic, to try to gain someone´s attention with food. _

_She allowed him to have his one single moment of happiness before she proceeded. Once he laid the last dish on table; a small smile on his face, his eyes glazed, distant and haunted, she advanced from where she stood. Finally at the sound of her footsteps, Shinji noticed her and blinked. Ha, he had not even noticed she´d been standing behind him the entire time, what an idiot. _

"_Oh, Asuka…" Pathetic, wimpy and saddening, just like always. She smirked coldly at him. _

"_Smells nice, Shinji. What´s on the menu tonight?" She spoke with a sweet voice, a honey-dipped tone that soothed him and set him right where she wanted him. Just like the cobra that eats the mouse, she liked to hypnotize and play with her meal. _

"_Umm… I made some __Nikujaga_, _rice__, __chicken lasagna and… ummm… some chocolate muffins. Would you like to eat now?" asked the boy hopefully, a shimmer of happiness glimmering in his eyes as he expected her answer. _

"_Well, now that you mention it, I was getting hungry remembering a certain meal I had a while ago…" Ever cautions, her tone was seductive, inviting him to continue the conversation. Poor, poor little Shinji. _

No… no… please… stop…

"_Really? What was it? Maybe I can cook it for you!" He sounded so hopeful, the idiot. He truly believed her little act. God, this was so good t was almost sad to break the magic. _

"_Oh, it was a special meal alright, Shinji. As a matter of fact, I think you´re the one who could cook this for me…." She trailed off, playing absently with her reddish locks she knew he loved so much. __When he nodded like a content little pup; his eyes gleaming with hope, she crushed him. Her smile turned cold. _

"_Oh, I was just remembering that time when you jerked off on my face, remember?" She watched as hope turned to horror, watched as he recoiled into himself, knowing that punishment was about to come, and enjoyed every second of it. _

"_Boy, that sure was a special meal, huh? Your jizz all over my hair, my breasts, I bet it turned you on a hell of a lot more, didn't it? How many times did you do it, huh?"_

_He lowered his gaze to the ground as she circled around him, closing in on him ever so slowly. _

"_How many times, Shinji?" He did not answer; the bastard would not even lift his face from the ground. What a worthless human being. _

"_Answer Me!"_

"_Once." He croaked, his hand clenching and unclenching reflexively, tears already starting to stain his cheeks. She smiled. "Once, huh…"_

"_I want you to do it." _

_She advanced on him, pinning him on the table. The food was still warm, the delicious smells of lasagna almost made her regret her decision, but she decided to damn it all. _

"_Huh?"_

"_I want you to do it. Right here, right now." She stood on the other side of the table, glaring hatred into him. Finally his eyes snapped open, catching her venomous gaze in utter shock. _

"_W-What?" He looks so shocked, the poor little monster; she thought. Oh, poor poor little Shinji. She wondered what his expression had been when he had seen what his inaction had caused, when he watched as those things ate her alive and tore at her limb for limb, as they literally violated and dismembered her, to feast on her carcass while he sat, doing nothing. _

"_You heard me. Do it, right now. I want to see it. Maybe I could lie down, unbutton my shirt a bit, maybe even bring a IV drip, you know, make myself look in a coma. Would that help?" Her tone changed again, turning sweet and inviting, almost forcing him to react to her approach. She could see his hand tighten in a closed fist, and for a moment she felt terrified. _

"_No." _

"_Excuse me?"_

_Now he was glaring at her. Incredible, the nerve of him, he couldn´t even be a god damn slave right. She too fisted her hands and with a mighty pull grabbed the lasagna trey and smashed it on the floor. _

"_No."_

"_I said do it now!" She stomped on her foot like a petulant child who had been refused her favorite toy. Grabbing a glass from the table, she hurled it at him in her rage, but he didn't move an inch, didn´t try t avoid it, and for a moment she felt scared of killing him. The glass grazed his face and broke spectacularly on the wall. Her rage boiled at his calmness._

"_Now, god damnit!"_

"_No."·_

_Finally, she grabbed the pot holding the meat stew, burning her hands in the process, and hurled it at him. He screamed in pain as the hot broth came in contact with his skin, loosing his footage and falling ass-first on the dining room floor. Wasting no time, she went straight to the kitchen as he attempted to remove the boiling hot meat and potatoes over him without making an even bigger mess. Prancy little bastard, even like that he tried to be tidy and neat. _

_In the kitchen, she grabbed the biggest, sharpest knife available on the pantry and marched back to the small dining area, kicking a chair in her path and grabbing a fistful of Shinji´s shirt with her free hand, her scarred hand. She lifted his sorry humanity enough to force those haunted puppy eyes to her so the frightened, alarmed and alive expression could be enjoyed in its fullest. Yes, there it was. Fear gripped at his heart, the sight of the knife probably having set alarms on his head, the idiot surely believed she´d use the glittering, sharpened metal on his flesh, but such was not the case. That would be too easy, too insipid. She had already tried to make him bleed and succeeded, and her conclusion was that psychological pain was more suitable and enjoyable to both administer and admire on him. _

_Inching his face close to hers, she brought the knife to her own neck, loving the way his eyes seemed to gauge out in sheer horror. She saw his hands steady themselves, as if ready to move and rip the knife off her hands in one swift move. But he did nothing; just lay paralyzed as she gripped the knife´s handle harder and pressed the cold metal deeper into her skin. He was on his knees, hanging by her grip like those rag dolls she hated so much. A fallen chair lay behind him and the smell of meat broth covered the entire room._

Okay, I get it. I have… I have to accept this…

_She glared hatred into him, twisting her face into what she knew to be a very, very ugly snarl._

I get it… But it hurts so much… God… Ugh…

"_If you don´t do what I say, I´ll kill myself. Right here. Right now." _

_Oh, yes; how absolutely beautiful it was to see that expression in his face. She was what he cherished the most, the only person who acknowledged him and more than that, the only person who hated him just as much as he hated himself, and she knew that. She was so precious to him, so precious. She was his idol, his fantasy, the price of the Great and Mighty Shinji-sama. There was no love, no understanding there, just lack of a better option, because his doll had been taken away from him. _

_There was no satisfaction involved. There truly was not. It was simply justice, karma, the universal will to maintain balance. She was practically forced to hurt him, it was her duty to punish him for the sins his dirty, dirty hands had perpetrated upon mankind, upon his friends, his family; and most emphatically, on her. It mattered not if she enjoyed herself in this task or not. It had to be done; this was the world´s most vicious mass-murderer ever, after all. She was the only one who knew just how much he had done, just how dirty his pathetic little hands were, so it was her duty to punish him, to restore balance. Balance._

"_Y-You wouldn´t…" He said, his eyes horrified, tears streaming down his face. Huh, he even looked paler; the idea must have really scared him. Good. _

"_I wouldn´t?" She asked, lifting an eyebrow. _

"_I wouldn´t…?" The tone of her voice thundered through the room. There was a thumping noise when she slammed him on the floor. _

"_I WOULDN´T!" She kicked the table, making every last plate clutter around and shake under her rage._

"_AND JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS SO GREAT ABOUT MY FUCKING LIFE?"_

_She raged at him, knife still in her hand. _

"_I´m a scarred fucking freak! I´m ruined! I have noting left, nothing at all! You made sure I had absolutely fucking nothing left! So do what I say or so help me God I´ll slice my fucking throat open right now!"_

_His eyes dawned in comprehension, so lips trembling and tears falling pathetically, he stood back up, nodding to her with his gaze firmly set on the ground. He had seen her eyes, and her eyes told him what her mouth had just informed. If he did not do what she wanted, she´d kill herself._

"_O-Okay…" _

"_I´ll do it… I´ll do it. Just… just stop, okay... put the knife away, please…" Hands trembling, he tried to reach for the deadly blade, but she snatched it away from him. _

"_NO fucking way, Third Child." His shoulders slumped, hands shaking before hesitantly reaching for his belt buckle. The idiot´s eyes searched for her own, as if begging her to differ from her idea. Oh, poor little Shinji. She nodded viciously, bringing the knife to her throat again as he unbuckled his pants and proceeded with his underwear. _

"_Do it. Fast" _

_He started masturbating in the dining room, tears falling from his eyes, his face hidden. No, no, no, no, no. That would simply not do. She wanted to see his eyes, she wanted to taste his pain and enjoy every last second of it, so she removed her own pink T-shirt, exposing her bare skin to him. _

"_Look at me." He wouldn´t, he just kept stroking, the dirty bastard. _

"_Look at me!" Eyes opened by the scream, Shinji stopped and stared unblinkingly at Asuka´s naked chest. He could see them, every scar, every bite, every circle, and every tear. They weren´t even that noticeable, but to him, they glared with the ferocity of a thousand suns. _

"_Did I tell you to stop! Keep doing it!"_

_Soon enough, he resumed his action, and unable to tear his eyes off her, he stared. Nothing but the sound of flesh hitting flesh and a heavy breathing that grew intensely faster could be heard around the apartment. _

"_Faster." _

_Yes, yes, that is what she wanted. There it was, the face he probably had when he had raped her, when he had defiled her. The face she could hate to her heart´s content, the face of her defiler, her defeater, her torturer. Bastard. Fucking bastard. She could hear his breathing quickening with every thrust, which meant he was close. Good. Soon enough, he emitted a grunt, his breathing stopping, and threw his seed all over the floor; the white stains making an ever bigger, more disgusting mess on the already ruined dining room. As soon as he was done, wracked sobs invaded his body as he fell on his knees, covering his face with his hands, not even bothering to cover up his disgrace. How disgusting. _

_She stood over him, delighting herself in a job well done. Insane satisfaction rose from her chest as he lay there, crying like a poor baby on the floor, surrounded by all kinds of debris and mess, yes, this was the look that suited him the most, like this he looked as if Divine Punishment had been delivered. Ha. She had won, again. Again, she had proofed just how much she could push without him lashing out, she knew the secret, yes, she did. He could take punishment, he could take pain and hatred, but indifference was insufferable to him. He needed to be made sure that this was, in fact, reality, that he was alive and his existence was recognized. He would kill himself if she decided to ignore him. That or kill her _and then_ kill himself. She had ignored him for two days one time, and she had seen just how much he depended on her attention, the poor boy had looked even more like a rotting zombie. The least she could do was fulfill his wishes. Even when she was already starting to feel sick._

_Her task done, she picked up her shirt and walked over to him, kneeling to where he lay on his knees, head still in his hands, sobs shaking his entire body and fingers digging so deep into his scalp that she could see blood being drawn from where his fingernails pierced the skin. She gently grabbed his hands, feeling as his entire body seemed to flinch out of pure instinct at the touch of another human being. After a moment, her soft ministrations smoothed his grip, and his hands fell limp to his sides. Smiling, she picked his head and kissed him on the lips, hard. He did not respond. Bastard. Fucking bastard. Her lips hadn´t totally left his own when the slap shook his entire body to the ground. She rose._

"_Happy Birthday, Shinji." _

_With that, she left, not before heading to the kitchen to grab her muffin and smash the other two with her foot. Right on the floor. Taking a bite off her sweet delight, she left to her room. _

"_Oh, and clean up this mess will ya? This place is a fucking dump." _

_With that, she closed the door, sliding against the thin frame and swallowing what remained of her muffin in one bite. She had to stuff something in her mouth so she wouldn´t puke. Fuck, how far had she gone this time?_

_Through the slender material, she could clearly distinguish the sound of rapid breathing, of hurried, desperate intakes of breath, and then it happened. He screamed. She knew the sound only too well. She heard as he screamed and hurled at the ground, hitting the floor with his bare fists and raging like there was no tomorrow. It made no difference how much he raged or how loud he howled, the building was empty except for them and the walls were as thick as a truck. A feeling started to creep up her spine, and it wasn´t fear. His fists stopped hitting the ground. She could hear the faint sobbing on the other side of her door. The feeling moved up to her stomach and from there to her chest. She heard as he stood and slowly started picking up the mess all around the living room, still sniffing and quietly sobbing. She didn't feel satisfied anymore. It wasn´t fun anymore. She´d gone too far again, too far. But now it was done, and she could nothing to take it back. She had forced him to… to do that. She had forced him._

_It wasn´t fun anymore. Not when she had to hear him scream like that. Not when he was so very hurt and so very alone. Not when he acted like a human being, a very sad, very traumatized human being._

_She lay in bed, pretending to sleep but knowing it would be so very absolutely futile. I did that, she thought. I fucking did that. She tried not moving at all, for she knew that if she did move, she´d break apart. She stayed still, so completely still and absolutely silent. Barely breathing, barely thinking. I´ll be nice to him tomorrow, she thought. I´ll apologize tomorrow, she thought. Yeah, yeah, tomorrow I´ll apologize… yeah, I´ll do it. Then… Then I´ll… I´ll hold his hand, just for a little bit. He´ll… He´ll like that… Yeah… Just to make him understand… yeah. He´ll forgive me… he always does… he understands…yeah…_

_Yeah… Tomorrow… tomorrow…_

_She didn't sleep at all that night, nor did she apologize the next day. She could not. Not when he had received her with a delicious breakfast in the morning, not when he´d cleaned the mess she had made, leaving the small apartment once again clean and spotless, not when she could see the red, angry bruising on his knuckles. She knew it had taken him hours to finish cleaning up. She couldn´t even look at him in the eye, couldn´t stare into those deep blue orbs that looked so very, very haunted. She couldn´t face him. _

_Two days later, she was back at her screaming and cursing. _

The first thing she noticed as the memory faded and light came slowly to focus was the smell of antiseptic and Shinji´s distinctive scent. When her eyes adjusted to the light, Asuka blinked slowly, staring quietly at his neck and the white bandage that started on his breastbone. The nausea, the fear, anger, and the horrible, horrible guilt slowly dissolved as her mind slowly unwedded itself from the deep slumber. Her right arm felt extremely numb, but she chose to ignore it. It was comfortable, it was worth it. The nightmare was still fresh on her mind, yet being in his presence, with his arm around her and his chest rising and falling in symmetry with her own, she felt as if the nightmare was nothing, a passing memory. Yes, she had done that, but crying over it like a spoiled little brat would solve nothing. Going away would bring absolutely nothing, nor would hiding or denying what she had done. She was tired of all that. This soothed him, it made him relax, and that was all that mattered.

Maybe she was being selfish, because now that she had done all she possibly could, now that there was no more poison to spew, no more hatred to throw, she felt drawn to him, she felt anchored to him by something deeper that regret or guilt. And it scared her, it had always scared her. She wanted to have that comfort his presence seemed to bring her, she craved for his attention and secretly enjoyed the moments he dedicated to her and only her. Strange, Shinji had managed to express his feeling through his food, he didn´t act like a servant; a servant would never do such a task with half the enthusiasm and attention he invested in the food he made for them, for her.

Comfort food. Such was his specialty.

The young redhead raised her head, noticing the random splash of purple somehow swinging between two chairs, wrapped up in cheap, bluish-looking sheets, with an arm well raised over her head and producing the gurgling sounds of a resting ogre. The sight of Misato literally splattered all around her improvised bed brought a light giggle that blossomed in her chest. Feeling somehow calm and soothed, she clutched onto the boy holding her a tad tighter, burying her face back in the crook of his neck, where his pulse worked as a lullaby.

The redhead noticed some perfect idiot had decided to turn on the lamp on Shinji´s bedside table, so with her free hand, she defeated the horrible enemy she had so successfully ignored for well over nine hours.

_`Nightmare and all, it´s the best night´s sleep I´ve had in over a year.´_

She breathed in relief as the room was engulfed by near complete darkness. Her mission accomplished, she went back to her place over Shinji, back where she felt at home.

"You know… you ´re a great pillow… "whispered Asuka softly to his ear. He gave an almost imperceptible grunt of approval, clutching her a bit tighter for a moment at the sound of her voice.

Sighing tiredly, the former Second Child eyed the clock on the wall, reading 2.35 am. She still had a lot of time to enjoy her blessed rest and comfort, so she decided to stay awake for a while, jus to think, to reflect on many things, to try to understand how she could be better for him, better for Misato and also for herself. A better person. It would be almost impossible to change her mood, but she could fight her temper, she could fight her violent reactions. She had to.

God, she missed the little things the most. Walking to school together while talking nonsense, the boring, almost non-verbal conversations when eating breakfast, which no longer consisted in just plain toast, watching a sunset together on Misato´s balcony, arguing over what to watch on TV, trying to fight off Pen-Pen off the fries… She wanted that back.

But… she knew she now had no right to ask any of those things, she had no right to even be sharing the comfort and warmth se has currently experiencing. She was stealing comfort from him, using him yet again for her own need of self-satisfaction and human touch. Perhaps, perhaps not. It was no longer her decision to make. If Shinji wanted her to leave, if being with her scared and hurt him so much, then…then she´d leave. It was his decision, but she would offer it for him. Whatever he deemed necessary, she would be willing to perform. Anything. Just like he had done anything and everything for her since they had known each other, it was her turn to sacrifice herself for him. Maybe she just wanted the easy way out, but maybe, maybe for once she wasn´t thinking about herself, maybe for once she was considering someone else. Maybe this time she wouldn´t be afraid to get close, should he allow her to stay. Maybe she could forgive him for everything, and they could start fresh, if he forgave her too. Maybe...

_Maybe… Maybe I could have this warmth every night… Maybe we could… hold hands… just for a while… every day…_

Her efforts were somehow fruitful; she was able to "meditate" for over an hour before the feeling of Shinji´s pulse lulled her to sleep. A deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

It would take another seven hours for any of the three occupants to stir into full awareness. Surprisingly enough, and apparently for once Misato was the first one to recover consciousness. It was not a matter of destiny, or the result of enough time spent resting, instead Misato was awoken as she slipped from her position on the chairs and fell, rather unceremoniously, on the cold, hard ground of NERV´s Medical Ward. The guilt fell upon a mere miscalculation, for had Misato placed the chairs a bit closer to one another, one of them would have probably not slipped over her and forced her to fall, ass-first, on the ground. Groaning audibly, Misato looked around to ensure her young charges had not been awoken by her morning stupor. A slight glance at the clock on the wall let her now it almost 10 o´clock in the morning, which meant she had slept for well over eighteen hours.

_`Damn… I hadn't slept like that since college. ´_thought the Mayor merrily as she eyed the pair dozing next to her. Making sure they were still very much asleep, Misato grinned mischievously before taking a small, portable camera-slash-cell phone and digitalizing the moment for posterity and eternity. Satisfied with the necessary mischief her system demanded, the former Sub-Commander exited the room and headed for the cafeteria, with every intention of demanding a somewhat decent cup of coffee and a pair of muffins or some toast, eggs, rice, miso soup and probably a beer. Being who she was, it was quite clear in Misato´s head that while she´d be able to obtain her fill of food, the quality of it would be probably worst than her own failed experiments, and that was saying something.

Soon enough she was feasting on mediocre cafeteria-food while watching the news on the reconstructed lounge at NERV HQ, wondering just what the hell to do about her dysfunctional, strange, unorthodox, broken little family. She knew Shinji, she knew the boy would hate her for eternity, should she send Asuka away. He was that in love with her.

_Heh… He´d probably follow her just to make sure she was alright… He wouldn´t even care if she was with him… God, why is Shinji the only good man around here? _

Turning her attention back at the meal stitting in front of her, Misato engulfed the trey of cheap food as if it were a rare luxury, an exquisite dinner at an expensive restaurant. She couldn´t help it, being worried made her hungry and the only available supplements were the ones being devoured before the unbelieving eyes of the Cafeteria Staff. Done with the crude, badly cooked eggs, the still young Katsuragi bit off half of a cracker as she eyed the television. The face she saw, however, made her spit the dry cookie all over the table. The Bastard King, in all his glory, was presented to her.

_-as he was carried out of NERV Facilities yesterday, at 5.34 in the afternoons. So far, we only know for certain that the former Commander of NERV, Ikari Gendou, is being held in a maximum security cell under UN jurisdiction. It´s still unclear weather he will be prosecuted by a jury of his peers, or the International Tribunal. More of this as it develops.-_

She stood dumbstruck, watching in frozen horror as the Commander was carried out, handcuffed, from one of the main entrances of the Geo-Front. This was not good. Ikari had returned, Unit 02 had activated, Shinji was in a hospital bed and Asuka was mentally unstable. She could not just stand and do nothing and use her own selfish reasons as a response. She had to protect her children, she had to protect Shinji from his father, and protect Asuka from the greedy, power-hungry bastards that would without a doubt hunt her for her skills in the horrible deathtrap known as Evangelion.

Grabbing her jacket and chugging down an entire mug of coffee in one gulp, Misato ran straight to Ritsuko´s office, with every intention of giving her a piece of her mind.

* * *

Pain. It was the sensation upon Ikari Shinji arose after what could only be described as spending a night in Hell. The pain, however, was dulled, and mostly on the right side of his head, it felt as though he had hit himself on a table, or a tube of some sorts. His mind was a scrambled vortex, too worn out to articulate any rational image for minutes.

Hazy memories, incoherent screams and cut-off insults swam all around his barely conscious mind, struggling to accommodate to reality. Somehow, waking up felt like falling asleep, dreams felt so real that they became reality and reality itself came as a shock to him. It was hard to remember falling asleep. Everything felt so real, so true, that for a long time he lay there; barely conscious, his body completely numb and his eyes closed, in fear that if he opened them, he would have to face the monster who dwelled inside his heart and feasted on his suffering. Somehow though, his fears were mental, not instinctual. Something had eased the monster, throughout the night something had managed to make the beast fall quiet and halt its assault on his already decaying sanity.

He remembered her. Asuka. He remembered watching her Entry Plug, watching as she died, still waiting for someone who had not come to her aid. The memory crept up his brain, manifesting so powerfully against his closed eyelids, with such intensity that he forced his lids open to help himself from screaming in utter horror and despair. A white, sterile ceiling received him. Just like too many other times, the ceiling offered no comfort, nor did it offer any answers. He remembered giving up, falling into a pit of hysteria and all-consuming insanity and relinquishing whatever remained of his miserable soul to any punishment the Beast chose to torment him with, yet somewhere along the line, somewhere along his fall down the dark tunnel of madness, a hand had grasped his own and saved him. Warmth, he remembered warmth. In the midst of endless pain, of horrible tortures and horrid images, he had felt warm, comforted, not alone.

He felt calm unlike any other fall onto him just seconds after opening his eyes. Sadly enough, with the calm he felt, the ability to feel his body slowly returned, allowing him to feel the presence of another body in very close contact to his. Blue eyes opened in alert as Shinji felt the tickling sensation of another´s breath under his neck. He had a faint memory of waking up and finding her next to him, but at the time he had been so drugged and sedated that he had believed it to be a simple dream. Oh, how he wished he were still dreaming.

As soon as he was able to move, his entire body seemed to twitch at the feeling of someone else´s touch on his skin. Fearfully, he realized there was _red hair _around him, on his chest, and that said red hair was emitting audible grunts of displeasure of being awoken with such violence. Seeing his arm was clutching the other body close to him, the appendage jumped from Asuka´s body as if burned.

He panicked, his body unconsciously starting to shake in fear as he attempted to slowly, carefully disengage himself from the young redhead lying next to him. Terrified of the consequences of touching her and having the image of her mangled body still fresh in his mind, he was far too frightened to even consider the fact that she was the one holding him tightly, refusing to let go.

Groggily, Asuka lifted her head to peak at the reason of her discomfort, being shaken out of her slumber by the shocking image of a scared Shinji trying to run away from his own bed. She could feel anger rising in the bottom of her stomach, but she was mature enough to understand it was directed at herself. After all, it was her fault he reacted like that. As he fearfully looked straight at her, as if waiting for a blow or a kick , her heart hurt more than she could endure. It was very hard to be tender, to be comforting for her, but for him, she would do it.

She caressed his face. She slowly raised hr left hand and caressed the side of his face, brushing some of his bangs before slowly tracing down his jaw line, just like she had done when he had tried to choke her. The effect was immediate, he seemed to somehow wake of a hazy hallucination and acknowledge her presence fully. He relaxed under her touch, and it clicked in her brain. Tenderness was the only way to reach him, the only way to go pass his armor, his sadness and pain and truly see the real him. She kept her hand steadily on his cheek, allowing its warmth to soothe him. Her eyes told him everything h needed to know. _I won´t hurt you, _they said to him. _I´ve done it before and I´m sorry, but I'm not going to hurt you now. _Blinking, Shinji stayed very still, his eyes locked with hers, frightened pale sapphire staring into electric cerulean.

As quickly as it came, it was gone. He felt no fear anymore, but that left room for the strongest feeling of utter and complete confusion he had ever experienced. Feeling as he breathed out calmly, she slid her hand from his cheek, smiling slightly before letting her lazy humanity fall back on his chest.

"Are you okay… now?" Her voice was soft, almost imperceptible over the beeping noise of the EMP machine next to Shinji´s bed. The boy himself could not possibly get more confused concerning his current situation. There he was, being held quite closely by the girl who had put him in the hospital, and he was not afraid. What the hell was going on? He remembered seeing Asuka lying next to him at some point, but… had that not been a dream too? Could it be possible that the person who hated him most was actually resting with him, soothing him?

Afraid to touch her in the wrong way, Shinji hesitantly laid his right arm across the pillows, away from her huddled form.

"Baka-Shinji?"

Shinji blinked again at the old nickname, feeling somewhat more lucid than he had in months. He felt… like himself. Not far away, in a world of self-hatred and guilt, drawn away from reality. He was there, and alive. The beast was gone, it was gone because Asuka was there.

"Uhm… yeah, I´m… I´m fine." He smiled when the words left his mouth, and unbeknown to the boy, the redhead lying on his chest smiled as well.

"Well… that´s good for you."

Exuberant life blossomed outside, flowers, trees and birds danced to the symphony of the winds as it caressed the falling leafs and whispered into the thick forest covering the Geo-Front. The translucent light of dawn grazed the room with a relaxing tone of ember, making the atmosphere. Such were the advantages of having an enormous crater on top of them.

Minute ticked away as they remained still, neither mustering up the courage to speak to the other, a somewhat recurring situation in their relationship as of late. After tense minutes of a dense, uncomfortable silence, Shinji could not help himself.

"Um… Asuka?"

"Mmm?"

"What just happened?"

And yet another moment of thick, uncomfortable silence. Asuka rose from her position on his chest after some seconds, turning to stare quizzically at him.

"You mean… you don´t remember what happened?" She sounded incredulous, her voice rasped from sleep and weariness. Her blue eyes gazed softly at him, with something akin to worry shining in them. Shinji bit his lower lip nervously, pondering on just how much to reveal.

Finally, he decided to simply be honest.

"I was… I was having a nightmare. A really bad one. I remember…. Feeling pain all over, in my chest." He clutched his gown for emphasis on his left side, above his heart.

"I couldn´t wake up."

Asuka saw the fear in Shinji´s orbs, the sheer terror that those dreams meant for him. She didn´t want to imagine what it had been like for him for all those months, being tortured like that night after night. What could he be seeing? What could possibly be so absolutely terrible? His voice cracked with fear.

"I couldn´t wake up, and that thing kept… it kept showing me-"

He cut himself off, looking away. Slowly, Shinji raised himself to a sitting position, resting his head against one of the many pillows on his bed. Asuka too lifted herself, sitting next to him on the bed. She exhaled, drifting a tired gazed across the room and noticing Misato was gone. Porbably breakfast. She hesitated to ask, because somehow, she felt there was little trust between them anymore. She didn´t know if she had the right to demand him to open up his heart, his soul out to her.

"It´s okay… You don´t have to talk about it if you don´t want to…"

Whatever bond they had shared in the past, he had tainted with his cowardice, and she had burned whatever was left of it with her malice. Still, in her heart, a yearning still nested and pulsed, there was so much she wanted to say, to do. She had seen so many possibilities in those worlds and had been disgusted by so many of them. She thought he had been running away from reality, from pain and from his own actions when all along, he had been looking for her. The one person he needed to be acknowledged by, the one person who really mattered.

The person he loved, and had left to die.

She was familiar with guilt, and only then did she realize that if her guilt was such a heavy burden on her, then his own was probably crushing the boy. For eight months, she had lashed out at anyone, at everyone, she had spewed the hatred in her heart strong and loudly, and he had taken it all, still smiling at her, still caring for her.

"_I made some pancakes for breakfast!" _

"_Asuka… Are you alright?" _

"_Here´s your lunch, sorry it took so long… I had to chop more wood for the fire." _

"_You´re hurt… Here, let me wash that for you." _

"_Good morning, Asuka!" _

"_Umm… what´s your favorite food?"_

"_Asuka! I found some clothes! Here, I think you´ll like them."_

"_Don´t! You´ll hurt yourself!" _

"_I want you to know…"_

She clutched her eyes shut as the memories washed over her, instinctively seeking Shinji´s hand and clasping it with her own. She ignored the way his arm stiffened, or how his hand twitched at her touch. She understood.

"_I like you… Asuka…"_

Even when he was traumatized beyond repair, even when every day was a slow, painful torture, he endured. He endured because he had a reason to live now. Shinji was not trying to pay some symbolic debt to karma by being punished by her, he was not using as a shield from reality. He was simply with her, making sure she was not alone, making sure she was somewhat cared for, even knowing he could do nothing to help her mind, or mend her heart. Not that he hadn´t tried.

"Why… why did you try to understand me? Why… ? All I ever did was hurt you…"

She felt his hand grip her own, drawing her eyes to his gaze. He was smiling that small, pure smile of his. His eyes closed, making him look sheepish and somewhat cute.

"Because I care, even… even if I was too much of a coward to show it. Because I promised you that I´d be with you, no matter what. I already left you… so many times, so I won´t do it, not again." No matter what outrageous outslaugh she threw at him, no matter how many times she smacked him, or raped him, or strangled him, all he ever saw in her was the image of that little girl, that lonely, abandoned little girl with nobody to love, to care for her.

Suddenly, Asuka chuckled to herself.

"Geez… we never used to talk about any of this stuff before. I bet we sound so sappy…" Shinji too, let out a small laugh at the image of them.

"Maybe… But I think it´s okay. It… It means we´re still human, I guess. Everybody has the right to be sappy from time to time." Again, he smiled at her, and Asuka found she couldn´t help but smile back at him.

"Hey, Idiot."

"Yeah?"

"I´m sorry."

"Huh?"

Shinji´s hand found itself being slowly crushed by the force of Asuka´s grasp. He was speechless, paralyzed at the image of tears cascading down her face. Her whole body shook with anguished, restrained sobs as she held onto his hand tighter. Shinji felt helpless, he didn´t know weather he should console her or not, hell, he didn't even know _how _to make her feel better.

Dreading the outcome, he decided to let his rational thinking guide him. _Hold her,_ he thought. And letting go of her hand, he did. It mattered very little to him what she could do, she could very well elbow him and send him to a world of pain, but it didn´t matter. He had to try.

Slowly, he disengaged his hand from Asuka´s, pausing for a moment before placing his arm around her shoulders. Maybe she was trusting him, trusting him enough to see her cry. God, he hated seeing her cry.

"Shh… it´s okay…."

That simple, seemingly meaningless act meant everything for them. A barrier, a wall that had been erected almost a year before, was finally crumbling. They were trusting each other again, little by little.

"No." She said hoarsely.

"Mmm?" Shinji turned to stare at the girl on his arms, the girl who was clutching his gown fiercely, keeping her head on his shoulder and evading his eyes.

"It´s not okay, none of this is okay." He could feel her body shivering as her grip on his gown strengthened. Only then did he realize she was gazing at his chest. The bandages hiding away the two vertical scars the medical procedure had left.

"Look at this. I did this to you, not the Angels, not Misato, not your father. Me. I did this. I put you in a hospital. God… god damnit. I always said to myself, ` I´ll apologize tomorrow, I´ll talk to him tomorrow, but I never did. It… it always hurt too much, to see what I did to you on the next day…"

"Asuka… it´s okay."

"No!" At last, she tore away from his gown, facing him fully, and Shinji was reminded yet again of the sad, lonely little girl he saw in his Asuka`s eyes.

"God damnit, Shinji! Do you even realize all I´ve done to you? God! I´ve hit you so much, my God, I´ve even fucking _raped _you and you sit there and tell me it´s okay? Why don´t you hate me? You should hate me! Then it… it´d be so much easier…"

Her face lowered, making reddish bangs obscure her features. Shinji just smiled. After so long, she still didn´t understand.

"I hated you at some point." Answered the boy quietly, a distant, nearly invisible smile on his face. Asuka´s eyes were wide behind her bangs.

"I did. It´d be stupid to lie. You were… so annoying sometimes. You kept expecting me to know everything about you, to know how to act, but you never even talked to me. Every time I tried you just… lashed out."

"Tell me. Please… I want to understand."

The redhead nodded, tears silently falling from her eyes as she too remembered how she used to be with him. Even then, even when the lines had not yet been crossed, she had never been civil to him. Asuka sank into the mattress, her face lowering. It was a disturbing sight, specially to Shinji, to watch someone as strong as her bow her head in shame.

"But… it wasn´t your fault. Not all of it, anyway. I should have tried harder, I should have been stronger, but every time I tried I got… scared. I thought if I helped you, if I opened up to you, you would hurt me, you wouldn´t change the way you treated me. I was… scared of you."

His smile disappeared. It was heart-wrenching; to relieve those memories, but it was no less than what he suffered every night. He felt compelled to tell Asuka the truth. Perhaps, by sharing his heart with her, for this one occasion, he could mend some of the wounds his inaction and general cowardice had caused.

Asuka was quiet. She tried to assimilate everything he said, everything he felt. There were questions she still needed answered, but they could wait.

"When the 15th… raped your mind, I felt so helpless. I kept trying to make that hunk of junk go berserk, but it just wouldn´t listen. She wouldn´t listen. I felt so helpless. Then… then you told me to go away, and I did, because I thought I´d only hurt you if I did something. I seemed to hurt everyone around me when I was only trying to help, so I thought fuck it, I'll do nothing."

"Rei died, then came back. I couldn't face her, she was no less than some kind of monster-sibling in my eyes, and she… scared me. She wasn´t the Rei I knew anymore. Misato was obsessed with finding the truth behind NERV, and you were… not there. Kaowru came. He… he gave me a hand in the middle of all that mess. He… he filled your place for a bit, I guess."

Asuka tilted her head, looking at him questioningly. Shinji chuckled awkwardly, realizing how lame that sounded.

"You... you always acknowledged me. Even if it was to insult me, or hit me, or just plain make me suffer, you knew I was alive, you… interacted with me. I felt… something. Some sort of bond, but then you were gone, and Rei was gone, and Misato was always busy, always bitter. Kaowru, he accepted me, he even said he loved me and for a while, for a while I was able to let all this shit behind and just be me. It felt so good."

Melancholy tore through his voice. Asuka was able to perceive it. She knew how hard this was for him, for them both, but it needed to be said.

"Shinji…"

"When I found out you were still alive, I felt so relieved. I thought… I thought we could finally be free of it all. It was done. It was fucking done, and we were free. But there was no we anymore, there was just me, and you, and Misato, each going its own lonely way."

Shinji clenched his fist, his brow suddenly darkening.

"Then I went to see you. You were just lying there. You just… stayed still. I hated you so much. You were so fucking selfish, leaving me all alone to deal with all that fucking mess, leaving the house… leaving m-"

He cut himself off, turning away. Asuka´s gaze softened at his last comment. She had not known, at that time, how much she meant to hi, and when she did find out, she had used that knowledge to hurt him.

"You weren´t supposed to stay still, you were supposed to be energetic, and jumpy, and annoying. I needed you, I needed you so much. I loved you so much, but I was so afraid and so angry. God. You were just like those fucking dolls you hate so much, just doing nothing… so cold… so… far away."

She took a hold of his hand again.

"I needed you to acknowledge me, I needed you to be there, and if you couldn´t be there, if you were just running away, then I would, too. I was so fucking sick of being used, of being everybody´s punching bag, of being everybody´s fucking doll. So I said to myself; it´s my turn, now I'll be the one using you, I´ll be the one… abusing you."

Shinji´s head sank. He could feel bile rise p in his throat as he remembered the animalistic rush, the intoxicating feeling of _being in control, of being attached. _Asuka´s hand felt like fire, her gentle touch burned him in his shame.

"Then everything went to Hell. I wanted to die. I just wanted to die. The JSSDF attacked, and Misato dragged my undeserving ass to the cages, hoping in vain that I´d be able to be something more than the piece of useless scum that I am. She died saving me. She told me… she told me you were fighting. I thought I could still save you, I could still do something, even if it meant going into that fucking thing again. But then… then I reached the cages, and Unit 01 was bathed in Bakelite. Completely covered by that red crap. It was the last straw. "

Shinji sighed miserably, remembering the feeling of utmost depression that had attacked his heart at the sight of his beast immobilized.

"The Comm., I could hear it. You were fighting, and you were winning. God… I was even counting them with you. Somehow, I _knew_ no matter what happened, you were just too strong to be defeated. I had such faith you could do it on your own. Pff, what a pathetic excuse, even hearing it sounds lame. I was so fucking ashamed. I thought I didn´t even deserve to help, not even when you, when you said you were waiting for me."

Asuka felt his grip tighten, making her hand squeeze his back. The mere memory of the fight brought shivers down her spine, the feeling of those…things all around her, it made her sick. She dared a quick glance at him, noticing he was once again looking at his cast, as if lost somewhere inside his mind.

"You screamed. I heard it, and it tore me apart. You were loosing, those monsters were getting back up, and you were loosing. You know what I did? I griped my fucking knees closer and said; `Even if there was anything I could do…´. Just like the wimp I am, the wimp I´ve always been. I just sat there as they… tore you apart. I just wanted to die. In the last minutes, I was waiting for the soldiers to come and kill me, I thought that if I died maybe I could find you in Heaven and apologize before they sent my ass straight to Hell, but Mother had other plans. She needed her crazy, broken, pathetic excuse of a son to become God so he could go and kill everyone."

Tears fell out of Shini´s eyes, pathetic tears of silent pain, buried so long ago.

"When Unit 01 ascended, I saw them. I… I… I can´t-"

"Shinji." Asuka interjected. It was enough for now. It was enough.

"Sorry."

"Don´t apologize, idiot."

He sighed, wheezing a bit in pain as he exhaled. It still hurt to breath too deeply. Asuka stayed still, staring at the wall in front of her, trying to digest everything Shinji had said.

"How come… how come you´re telling me all this now? How come… you never talked to me?" Asked the redhead quietly.

"I… used to be very afraid of you. I still am., I´m sorry, but I just can´t help it… my body reacts on its own."

"So what´s different, what´s different from all the other times you woke up with me in your bed, why couldn´t you talk to me then?"

Shinji sighed again, albeit a bit slower.

"I think you know why, Asuka."

She sighed as well, sadly.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"…"

Another uncomfortable silence followed. Neither felt like talking anymore, they had grazed a subject too obscure, too painful to discuss, a subject neither felt like thinking about. Minutes ticked by, and so they remained, hand-in-hand.

"Shinji… there´s no way to apologize for what I´ve done. Fuck… I´m really messed up, Shinji. I´m really fucked up, I don´t know, God, I don´t know why I even did half the shit I did. Every time I saw you smile, it just, it just made me sick, because it made me think that there was something aside from all that hate I had. If you could be happy, if you could be better, then I could too, and that scared me so much… I´m…"

"I'm so used to being a bitch… that being anything else scares the shit out of me."

She too, sighed tiredly.

"You were changing, you weren´t my Shinji anymore. It wasn´t… comfortable. You knew things about me that I had never shared with anyone and it just made me feel… violated. You were so nice to me, to everyone. Always trying to help, trying to be better… even when you couldn´t even get a good night´s sleep."

The memories of the camp were dark. She did not like to remember that time. It had been during that time that she had gotten used to beating Shinji to a pulp whenever she pleased. She had even watched as he was beaten by mobs of angry survivors. She had defended him at first, unbeknown to him, but after a while she had allowed the survivors ´rants to get to her, and eventually, in her insanity, she had deluded herself into believing punishment had to be served.

"I… got used to hitting you. You never did anything to fight back, so I felt… superior for a while, but then I´d get angry because you just fucking let me do anything I wanted. I wanted to see how far I could push until you broke, until you gave me something."

She let out a pained chuckle, wondering just how pathetic she sounded.

"Most times you were just… gone. Just so far away, and it… it worried me so much. Just like you needed to be acknowledged by me, I needed you to notice me, to look at me. You always used to look at me, but after a while, you… you just… escaped to your mind. And I know I can´t blame you, I don´t know half the things you saw, but… but I didn´t understand that then. I´m sorry. I know it´s all just a sick fucking excuse, but it´s all I have."

"I know I never act like it, but… but I need you too. You´re the only one who really gets me, the only one who really knows me. I know what I did, Shinji. I know, so I´m going to ask you ask you something, and I assure you whatever you decide, I´ll still care about you, even I if could never show it you you before."

Shinji eyed her quizzically, holding her hand a bit tighter and smiling reassuringly.

"What… what is it?"

"Do you want me to go?"

"W…What!"

Shinji looked positively shocked. So shocked, in fact, that she could hear the heart-monitor going hay-wire. She sigued again, forcing herself to carry on.

"I know it´s hard for you to be around me after… after all I´ve done to you. I know. So… I´l go away, if it makes you happy…I´ll go away."

Shinji looked crestfallen, as if the mere thought of it broke him completely. Could it be that after so much she had made him go through, he still cared for her? Well, after all he had done to her, she still cared very much.

"So… what would make… you… happ…"

The phrase trailed oof as Asuka´s wide eyes gazed at Shinji´s expression. He looked insulted, even angry.

"I don´t want you to go away. I want… I want you to stay… to be here with us… with… me. I know, I know it´s selfish, but that´s how I feel. If you have to go, Ithe only thing I have to ask you is why, because I´ll go right behind you, even if it means going in the luggage."

He smiled that childish, purely relaxed smile of his, and her heart melted.

"Really? You… You want me to stay?"

"Of course I do!" Answered Shinji, smiling even wider. "Who´s gonna boss me around if you´re gone?"

Asuka lowered her head, a silent tear making it´s way down her face, but for once, it wasn´t a tear born out out sadness, anger or despair.

"Baka…"

Both of them relaxed on the bed, sinking into the mattress, hands still interwined. After a while, Shinji gulped, a sudden memory creeping up his brain. He spoke up his concern, which on itself was a giant step.

"Umm…. Asuka. Do you… I mean… if you want… do you think you could maybe…. I don´t know… just for a while… umm-"

"Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"Either tell me now or shut up, I need to pee."

"Could you stay with me tonight? I´m… kind of afraid of sleep alone tonight."

Asuka smiled at him, tightening her grip on his hand.

"Sure."

"Thanks."

"Anytime, Ba-ka."

She laid her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes for a bit before eyeing the remote lying on Shinji´s night stand rather interestingly.

"Hey, Baka-Shinji…"

"Hmm?"

"Turn on the T.V, I´m bored."

Shinji sighed, disengaging his hand from hers in order to reach the remote.

"I thought you needed to go to the bathroom." Said the boy snidely.

"It can wait, now don´t be a smartass and turn on the T.V." barked the redhead, claiming the remote and putting his arm around her shoulders. Comfortably shifting on his embrace, she surfed through the channels, feeling as Shinji´s relaxed aura seemed to soothe her own. Together, they enjoyed the simplicity of being in a loved one´s company.

* * *

As soon as the door to her Nemesis´ office came to view, Misato´s pace quickened three times it original speed. Nostrils flaring, she opened the door and opened her mouth.

"All right Ritsuko, WHAT THE F-"

"You saw the news, didn´t you."

The simple statement worked the magic of closing the annoying woman´s mouth.  
Ritsuko really did not want to deal with a defensive, over-protective, literally insane woman standing in her doorway. The purple hair looked strangely exotic, completely disheveled as it was, and she could smell the stench of Cafeteria eggs from her seat.

Ritsuko sighed as Misato stood dumbfounded on her doorway.

"Let me guess, you want your job back, you´ll _keep_ the extra money, and will get to choose your own hours."

Risuko smiled, watching in amusement as Misato struggled to form any sort of rational speech pattern. The former and recently reassigned Sub-Commander blinked, realizing with disgust how easily Ritsko could read her.

"What´s the secret, huh? Do you have some sort of device installed in my brain that lets you know what I´m thinking?" Asked Misato in irritation, her left eyebrow twitching.

"Nah, although if I _had _installed something like that in your brain, it´d probably be fried from all that beer you drink." Ritsuko enjoyed her victory, producing another piece of gum out if her lab coat and proceeded to devour it. Misato dejectedly stuck out her tongue, before sighing and taking a seat in front of her old friend.

"So…"

"So."

"So… the Commander came back, huh?"

"Yup."

"And you were going to tell me this, when exactly?"

"Mmm, yesterday, actually. But you just happened to quit at that time, remember?"

Misato swat dropped and smiled apologetically, scratching her cheek.

"Well, let´s just say you shouldn´t mix sleeping pills and cough syrup, okay."

Ritsuko lifted an eyebrow.

"Why in the world could you possibly want to-Oh."

"Yeah."

"Gues I´ll try that some time."

"Good for you."

"Yeah."

"So, the bastard. He won´t come near Shinji, is that understood?"

"Of course, the only way for him to get to Shinji would be that of Shinji wanting to talk to his dad. I don´t see that happening in the near future."

"Good. And I want a personal meeting with him. No cameras."

"Go tell that to the UN."

"I will, don´t you worry about that."

"Good to know. Good luck."

"I don´t need luck, I have a gun."

"Good for you."

"Yep. So, about Unit 02, we tell nobody, you got that? This doesn´t leave NERV."

"Yeah, I´m pretty sure I´ve got that covered. SEELE already knows, though."

"Then we´ll need body guards. Lots of them."

"Already on it."

"Lots. I´m talking army here."

"Yup. I love it when we speak the same language."

"I mean right now. We need them right now."

"Ohh, you mean the twelve guys already parked in your apartment building, and the 50 militia soldiers living in your neighbor apartments aren´t enough?"

"No."

"I thought so. You don´t have to worry about that."

"Cool."

"Yup."

"Great. So… Do you need for anything right now?"

"Not particularly."

"Mmm, so… can I leave?"

"Sure, sure. Go ahead, take a day off. Go get some take-out. Go hiking. Do nothing. I DON´T care. Just stop bugging me for a while, I´m busy."

"Uhh, touchy-touchy. I guess I´ll go, then."

"Good for you."

"So…"

"So?"

"So… can I have a bonus right now?"

"No."

"Spoilsport."

With that, Misato got back up, sticking out her tongue at her for good measure before leaving in a splash of purple. Ritsuko sighed, sinking into her comfortable seat for good measure. Finally, some days free from the constant nagging of her Sub-Commander. Freedom.

"Hey!"

"Ahhh!"

Ritsuko almost fell out of her chair when the annoying woman she called best friend all but slammed the door back open and poked her head into the office.

"Sorry! I was just wondering when I can take Shin-chan home, that´s all. You know how much he hates this place."

After recovering from what felt like a cardiac arrest, the brilliant scientist fixed her glasses and glared at Misato.

"About two days, if you make sure he takes his shots. If you want him home, you´ll have to be very careful. He can´t make any sudden moves, he can´t strain himself for the next month or so. And you have to give him his shots. The serum stops working if you miss the dosage, and trust me, you don´t want that."

"Painkillers?"

"Just one pill a day. It´s very strong, so he´ll be sleepy for the first two hours or so."

"Awesome, thanks. Anything else I need to know?"

"No. Now, please, _please, _go home and rest. Or stay here with him, just _stop bugging me!"_

Recognizing it was her time to leave, Misato hurried out the great double doors.

Commander Akagi sighed. God, she was tired, at last she had managed to earn a full night´s sleep, and as Maya as her witness she´d take full advantage of it. Shakily lifting herself from the all too comfortable seat, Ritsuko proceeded to abandon the lonely office, already feeling the softness of her mattress all over her body. Official matters could wait, and if they could not wait, they could very well go f..k themselves for all the Commander cared.

* * *

Basic instinct. Flight. Run. Get Away. Flee.

If the urge consuming Unit 09 could be put into words, those would have been the most adequate. It was strange to even consider the fact that an Evangelion could feel fear, but assuming otherwise would be to fall into fallacy. They were, after all, beasts. And beasts could feel fear.

It fled, with whatever power it still possessed, it tried to flee from a horrible fate, a fate that it´s brethren had already suffered. The giant gargantuan room was filled with anger; the thirst of revenge consumed the air as terrible shrieks of unimaginable pain thundered through the area. It dragged its body away, crawling through heads, bones, flesh and metal in a futile attempt to regenerate and defend itself. Darkness covered the Graveyard like a cold blanket of death, the stench of rotting meat and gunpowder reigned upon the dark sanctuary.

Its legs had been torn off. Blood oozed through the wounds, leaving a trail of red behind the once invincible beast as the shrieks and gurgling noises came to a halt. Another had fallen, never to rise again. The Core had been shattered and consumed, the flesh assimilated and digested, and now the hungered predator would set its haze on the only remaining prey available, the one attempting to escape at all costs. Soon, heavy steps reverberated through the Graveyard as the deranged Evangelion sought the remains of its meal. Four eyes glowed in the darkness, surveying, looking, sniffing everything.

The Mass Produced Evangelions were semi-sentient beings, capable of emotion, yet not of rational thinking. Simple objects in a greater plan, the EVAs simply followed orders; they fulfilled their purpose, as it had been foretold.

Such purpose, however, had included butchering and feasting on the carcass of what currently hunted the last of them. Perhaps should the beasts be granted the gift of rational reasoning, they could have seen the irony of being devoured by the very being they themselves had torn to shreds. They would have seen the impossibility of such a resurrection, the purely ridiculous, ludicrous fact that Unit 02 had somehow managed to regenerate, without even having a S2 Core.

The time for pondering seemed to be at an end for the poor EVA. A broken core offered little power; there was nothing it could do to survive. Still, the mere aura the beast reeked of hatred, of revenge and pain, and it was coming closer. The gate was close, maybe if it reached it in time there would still be enough power to open it an-

-_SNAP_-

The sound of the creature´s spinal column being broken reverberated throughout the Graveyard. The haunting growls of the Beast forced the MP to shriek in pain and fear. Music to the Beast.

Turning its prey over, it stabbed one of the EVA´s hands with a shard of it´s own broken and gnawed femur. Sitting on the EVA´s body, the beast tore its remaining arm clean off with a mighty tear. Flesh and bone were separated in a horrendous pull, bathing the Red beast on blood. Wasting no time, the Beast bit off the EVA´s arm, tearing muscle and tendon with razor-sharp teeth, torturing its prey with the sight of its own right arm being devoured. Hunks of tissue were ripped with every bite; bones were crushed by the mere pressure of the Beast´s jaws as they came down on the severed limb.

Soon, the Beast grew tired of just one piece and threw aside whatever was left of the EVA´s arm, which was nothing more than the bones being held together by some surviving tendons and veins. Instead, the Beast closed in on the creature´s snout, breathing rancid, bloodied breaths on its face and _grinning _at its helpless victim. The surviving armor around the regenerated body stood loosely, breaking occasionally as the Beast´s muscles grew. It was a dreadful sight, to see the broken shards of armor still clinging to its body on some parts, and the grotesque manner in which its flesh seemed to pulse, fizz and strengthen every time it fed. The once graceful, almost feminine Evangelion looked like nothing less than a demon who had just crawled it´s way out of Hell.

The tables had turned, how very ironic. Now it was Unit 02 who grinned sadistically at its kill. Had the MP Evangelion been doted with rational thought, it would have discovered the sheer irony of its predicament.

The Beast lowered its claws to the MP´s marrow, caressing the thin sheet of armor before digging powerful fingers into its guts. Blood sprayed freely and horrible howls of pain infested the Graveyard as the Beast tore the EVA´s entrails from its body, feeding on them while its prey was still alive. A truly twisted spectacle, indeed.

Soon, the creature´s resistance came to an end. Its´ energies were spent, there was nothing more. The sight was grotesque. Organs and guts were spread all over the room, blood covered the walls and the only thing left of the eight other MP Units were the spewed carcasses and bones lying somewhere around the enormous room.

The Beast observed its prey, four eyes narrowing intelligently at the sight of its exposed Core. It needed no more power than what it already possessed, so this Core meant nothing. Roaring in hatred, the Beast punched the circular heart, shattering what was left of it and making it explode in a shower of blood. The Beast rose to its feet, and crushing whatever was left of the MP´s snout and cranium, it roared. The walls shook as the mighty Evangelion roared, announcing it´s victory to the Heavens, holding the enemy´s spinal column on its right hand, as if daring God himself to question its power and dominance.

It was still not satisfied.

The Mother had gone long ago, only the Beast remained. And the Beast was still hungry.

Sniff…

Sniff, sniff…

And now, now that it´s revenge had been fulfilled; only one more prey remained to be devoured. The Beast tilted its head to the side, its eyes analyzing everything, its nose sniffing the way to the next victim. It walked to a pair of great metal gates located on the Graveyard´s metallic floor, an enormous tank-like container lay hidden under its feet. Growling in anger, it tore the heavy titanium gates open as if they were made of paper, and its new prey was served, on a silver platter.

The severed half or Lilith´s face, pale, bright and not even slightly decomposed, the ever-present cold smile firmly set on her dead lips, was presented to the Red Beast. The Beast growled as images appeared on its brain, broken memories and clinging emotions bled into its eyes. Blue, the color blue, cold, favorite, bitch. You stole him, you stole him from me. Riddles, faces, blood, so much blood. Favorite. Everyone's favorite. It… remembered. Yes, this was the First. This was… Wonder Girl.

"Wuunddrrr…. Grrrrr…"

And so, hatred consuming its entire being, it leapt on the severed head, tearing through its skull like a deranged wolf.

* * *

Misato stuck her head in the room, surveying the area and searching for a possible murder scene. Seeing nothing of the sort, she allowed herself in, surprised to see both her children still on the bed, only they were… smiling. They were watching T.V, and they were smiling. Laughing even. It was a start. Asuka had kept her end of the bargain, apparently she was working on her rerlationship with her Shin-chan. Good. Slowly, she edged closer to the bed, dragging a chair a dropping on it when she found a good position.

"So. I see you guys are getting along."

Both teenagers blushed, Shinji looking down in embarrassment and Asuka flushing in indignation.

"I don´t remember asking your opinion. If you´re gonna watch T.V with us, `shut it or get out."

"Ohh… did I make the poor little German amazon angry? How saad…"

"Will you shut the hell up? We´re trying to enjoy this movie, for fuck´s sake!"

"Now now, Asuka, language."

"Screw you, Katsuragi."

"Ohh, no fun, no fun at all. Bad girl. Failed."

"Have you been drinking cough syrup again?"

"That´s not of your…"

Shinji smiled, sighing happily and chuckling as he heard his little family tease each other back and forth. There was a wonderful feeling of normality, trust, and overall hope in the air, and for once he did not feel scared, or even nervous in Asuka´s presence. He relaxed on his bed, wondering just how long he´d have to stay in that room. He wanted to go home. He wanted to cook, clean, he wanted to go back to school, God, _he wanted to go back to school. _

_I haven´t felt like this since… Huh, when have I felt like this? It´s… it´s nice, to hope for the future. Maybe, maybe some day I can even be happy… happy with my family, with her…_

He knew he had no right to hope, to even ask for a glimpse of happiness, but the simple fact of being there with Asuka and Misato already made him happy. He felt he belonged there, between the two of them.

"Hey, Baka-Shinji! Tell this fat cow how much weight she´s gained since Third Impact!"

"I have not! Shinji, do I look fat to you?"

With that, Misato lifted her skirt all the way to her start of hr breasts, exposing her stomach to him.

"Ugghh… Buh?"

"Ahh! You pervert! I knew it, you´re a pedophile-fiend! Shinji, don´t just stand there and gape, say something!"

"Um… I´m … sorry?"

"Ughhh! Shut up!"

"Hey! Don´t tell Shin-chan to shut up!"

"Can we watch the movie now?"

"I´ll tell him whatever I dam well please! You just want him for his looks!"

"Oh! So you admit he´s handsome!"

"I… I did not! You just have a thing for pretty-boys!"

"So he´s pretty, huh?"

"I´m pretty?"

"Shut up! Both of you! Just… just watch the damn movie! Misato, go get us some food, we´re starving!"

"Duh, you´ve only been asleep for _eighteen hours_!"

And so, another day passed. For once, it had been a good day. The first good day in eight months, and the small, unorthodox and broken little family was decided to enjoy every second of it. There wasn´t much else to do but relax and slowly heal, after all.

* * *

The girl kept walking toward the building, her mind still had every map of the city memorized. She knew every way into the Geo-Front, and she had someone she needed to see there. There was nothing that could stand in the way of her anger. Nothing. Nothing other than the tall, dark-suited man standing in front of her, signaling her to stop with an enormous hand.

"What?" Asked Rei irritably. These emotions were truly hard to master.

"Young lady, have you just returned from Instrumentality?"

"No." Answered Rei. She had no time for this, she had no time to waste on a human-sized bear on a monkey suit. She had places to go, redheads to kill. There was no time.

"You sure look like it, though. You smell like LCL and all."

"I went for a swim."

"In there?"

"Yes."

The man gaped at the blue haired girl. For once Rei regretted the fact that she was the least known of the Pilots. Had this monkey known who he was talking to, he would have probably gotten lost long ago. He did not even remember her from Instrumentality, this man was really working hard on being amazingly stupid.

The monkey continued to gape.

"Buh… W…Why would you go for a swim in THERE?"

Rei tilted her head to the side.

"I find it…enjoyable."

"Okay… geez, people are really messed up these days. Go on, kid, go home or whatever. Let me know if you any fresh returnees."

Rei nodded.

"Understood."

With that, she kept walking towards her destination, the crater was already visible, which meant she was close. Her stomach emitted a low growl, indicating its need for nourishment.

_Perhapps some food would be… enjoyable. _

And so, Rei´s attention was momentarily diverted from revenge. One could not, after all, hunt redheads on an empty stomach.

* * *

Throwing him rather unceremoniously on the cold, hard ground of his King-sized prison cell, the guards chuckled as they watched the once powerful man struggle to reach his glasses. The bastard was a tough cookie, alright. Most would have broken at some point of the Interrogation-slash-Torture session the Commander had just endured. Meh, it made no difference. The guards did not even bother to close the door before beginning their assault on the fallen man. Kicks rained on Gendou Ikari for a solid minute, before the panting guards got fed up with the punishment.

"You had it easy, bastard. Hang on… till the big dogs get here… you´ll sing like a bird then…"

One of the guards, the taller one, spat on the fallen man.

"I lost my fucking sister because of you, you bastard. I hope they have a fucking Sombrero party on your ass."

With that, the heavy metal door was slammed closed, drowning out the sound of the guards ´laughter. Gendou lay there, splattered all over the floor, getting a strange feeling of Déjà-Vu on his chest. How many times had he gotten himself beaten up just like this when he was young? The mere thought brought a pained chuckle to his dried up, split, bloodied lips. He wondered what Shinji was doing.

Screaming could be heard from the cages adjacent to his own.

"You had it easy, boy!"

"Come in here and play, Ikari!"

"I´m gonna go ape-shit on your virgin ass, Commander!"

He wondered weather the boy was alright, weather he was safe. It felt so pathetically disgusting to realize all he had done, all he had festered on for years had been for nothing, but nothing hurt more than knowing he was at blame for his own son´s suffering. Oh, how jealous he had been of Shinji at some point, how jealous. For over a year, the Commander himself had lowered to a level of self-degradation just to gain his lover´s affection, and the boy had gotten it so easily. How pathetic, to be jealous of your own child. In the end, he had been no more than another puppet in Yui´s insane scenario.

For years, for _ten fucking years_ he had believed it was out of love that Ikari Yui had climbed into the death-trap that was Unit 01, out of her love for their son. Oh, he could not have been more wrong. In the end, it all came down to his decisions, his doing, his hand aiming the gun that fired mercilessly against his own flesh and blood. It mattered very little, though. There would be a time to grieve, to regret and repent, but this was not the time to lie on the floor like a broken excuse of a man. Slowly, he raised himself off the ground. That was, until he heard the faint chuckle behind him, and the sound of a song being quietly sang. He recognized the English language.

"_There is no pain you are receding…."_

"_A distant ship´s smoke on the horizon…_"

His body reacted, adrenaline shooting though him. In seconds, he was on his feet, facing a shadow hidden on the corner of the room. The figure looked… not so big, actually. He had expected an assassin, a Hitman, but not a boy sitting on his only chair, looking as threatening under the shadows as his own boy. Slowly, he lowered his guard.

"You_ are only coming through in waves…"_

"_Your lips move, but I can´t hear -_Oh, how rude of me. Where are my manners? Here I am, sitting in your chair and singing. I have not introduced myself, I apologize, Commander." A male, most definitely a male.

The figure stood, calmly straightening what Gendou could induct were combat pants. Slowly, the figure took out what appeared to be earphones, akin to those Shinji used on his SDAT. The, the boy reached for something on his thigh, and the Commander understood his mistake at lowering his guard.

An elegant, black and shiny Makarov. 9mm was presented to him.

"My colleges call me monster, my superior officers call me Russian, but you… you Commander will have a special honor, given our future business relationship and all…"

He was able to see the boy under the faint lights of his prison cell. Clad in a black fighting suit, the boy was obviously of Russian descent. Round pommels were accompanied by deep, brown eyes that stood in detail on his white skin. Very dark hair, almost black. Broad shoulders, about 6.1 in size, most likely a hundred and eighty pounds. Most definitely trained in infiltration and assassination. Strong, most likely ruthless. Young…. Almost as young as Shinji. The very thought shot a cold shudder through his spine. He could see faint scars all over the boy´s face, the sort of scratches and small burn marks fists left on the skin. The he saw the boy´s eyes.

And knew what it meant, to be face to face with the Grim Reaper.

"I am Dmitri, and I was hired to kill you."

The sound of the safety being unlocked reverberated through the room. Then, a gunshot.

And a body fell heavily on the cold prison floor.

TBC…

AN: YES! DONE! In record time, mind you! Let´s just say I've been feeling pretty inspired lately, let´s hope it lasts! Anyways, there´s a couple of things I wanted to clarify. First, I see not all of you are fond of me changing the plot and introducing a new character and all that, but I personally believe it to be naïve to believe SEELE would just disappear and let everything go in peace. Secondly, to all of you worried that this might somehow affect Shinji and Asuka´s interactions, DO NOT DESPAIR! I will keep it balanced, and while there WILL be fighting at some point, it´s still very, VERY far away. So. Don´t worry about that. About this character, well, I´ve been mulling over it for a while now, I see him like some kind of a metaphor, I´m trying to conceptualize a real problem through him, the child soldiers, much like Asuka and Shinji, and the subsequential traumas that war leaves behind. Thus Asuka´s and Shinji´s near mentally ill behavior. I myself have had the honor of meeting some survivors who were forced into war service, and I do believe their stories helped me shape this character. I truly believe this subject to be quite important.

Regarding his involvement in the story itself, again, DO NOT DESPAIR. He´ll be more involved with secondary characters in my story than with the main characters. In any case, their interactions will be minimal; this story IS and WILL remain in the realms of the POSSIBLE in the Evangelion universe.

Finally, I have nothing less to do but to thank all of you yet again for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate your feedback, and hope you´re enjoying this wonderful ride as much as me. Again, thanks, and remember: Reviews=Writing Power. REVIEW!

PEACE!


	11. Chapter 11

AN: So...four months, huh? Boy does time fly when your ass is on the line in college. Sorry to have taken so long, but you know, college, vacations, booze, beach... Anyway, without further adoom or however you write it, I give you...the new Chapter! Hurray!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter eleven. Tenth Act: Closer To The Heart**  
**

Forgiveness.

Such an elusive, releasing feeling. What is it really, to forgive? Is it to forget, to let the painful events be forgotten and let time heal the wounds? Or is it something beyond that which we understand? It is said that forgiving is divine, that it brings us closer to true illumination. It is said that those who forgive the sins perpetrated against them are enlightened by the intoxicating sensation of no longer having a weight on their shoulders. Anger, hatred, ambition, jealousy. These emotions burden us humans throughout the development of our lives; they burden us with the unforgiving heaviness of disdain. It is truly the mark of a higher being to be able to absolve one from past actions.

What is it really, to forgive?

I have asked myself these questions countless times in the meager hours of the night and morning, when there was nothings else for me to do but gaze at the pictures I secretly held in my left drawer, two boxes to the left, of my so called "imposing" desk. These pictures, they forced me to ask myself weather I even deserved to be forgiven. Loosing myself in my son´s haunted eyes I came to understand that to forgive is to be able to be able to love. When we love someone, we are able to forgive almost whatever hurt or pain our loved ones make us go through. To forgive is simply to love.

Oh, but there are limits.

Betrayal destroys love; it stains it so very completely, it breaks the thin, almost imperceptible line between love and hate. I betrayed my son when he was so very young, so very innocent, and because of that he ended up betraying the one person he held so dear to his heart. How sad, to know that my example, my wrongdoing forced my own flesh and blood to suffer.

Bah, excuses, empty, pathetic excuses.

Even to me they seem so hollow, so insufficient. I stopped caring; I forced a layer of ice around my own heart so the pain of watching my son suffer time and time again would not drive me to insanity or suicide. And oh, how I contemplated suicide. Every week, after everything was done, after all the reports had been read and all the bills paid and all the burochratic asses greased and kissed, when there was absolutely nothing to keep me from reaching into that drawer and gazing at the many, many pictures I so secretly possessed of my boy, the pain would be so unbearable that I would often leave my handgun away from me, just so the temptation would not win.

Empty faith kept me alive for ten years, an empty faith that somehow, I would be able to reunite my son with his mother, that somehow I would be able to be together with my Yui and my Shinji; that somehow we´d be a family again, in the midst of Apocalypse. How sad, to know it was all for nothing.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

My daughter. My beautiful, beautiful daughter. Is it possible for you to believe how proud of her I was, when she decided to take her own path and attempt to rescue her brother? At that moment, when she turned her back on me, the feeling I had fought so hard to keep buried surfaced like a fountain. I allowed myself to love my daughter, and in return the disgust of my actions led me to absolute despair. If only I could apologize to her.

Pathetic. I know, even now, that giving love or comfort to another human being is impossible for me. I could never even muster up the courage to tell my son I loved him.

I cannot ask Shinji for anything. I hope against hope that one day he will be able to leave me behind and find happiness on his own terms, and stand on his own two feet. It breaks me now, when I remember everything he did to try and earn my love, I loved him all along, more than life itself; only I lied to him and to myself so the painful journey of manipulating him could be dulled. I was naïve, nothing can shield you from guilt.

Perhaps one day I will be able to redeem my sins towards my son and daughter, but for now, for now all I can do is attempt to bring them some semblance of peace. As I gaze into the dead, hollow eyes of the boy sent to both save and destroy me; as his cold, lethal gaze falls upon me, I realize what greed is capable of performing. There is nothing sacred for greed or ambition, nothing too valuable not to be sold or burned. This boy standing before me is the sad product of ambition's twisted, irrational desire. My own son could become like this, an empty shell of a human being with nothing left in life but an endless struggle with one's own corrupted existence. This is the result of our desire to become God, the desire to attain that which can only be given by another. It cannot be created manufactured, bought or stolen. Do you not find it pathetic too, that the world had to almost end twice so that a fraction of humanity could understand this simple, basic fact?

Now that I was given a second chance at living, I will attempt to fulfill my promise to my daughter. I will live my life diligently; I will not run away anymore. Fuck, I think I'm too old to be running away, anyway. Fighting is probably the one action I have always been good at; perhaps it is time to put such an ability to use, now when the Children need me the most.

I have dwelled in the shadows for a long time, and it is through those shadows that I am able to set my scenarios in motion. As I hold this truly beautiful Makarov. in my hand, feeling the weight of the cold metal barrel on my left palm, I see so very clearly what must be done. Hmpf, it would appear that the United Nations have grown wary of being forced into submission by the Old Men. How ironic, to think those burochrats would plot on a strike on the world's most powerful men, even considering they had been the ones to blindly provide said Old Men the means to fulfill their pathetic ambition.

The weapon is still in my hand, and I can feel the small disk in my back pocket. The smell of blood is rapidly starting to infest the cage I find myself in, and I cannot help but shudder as I remember how coldly this man had been murdered. Ambition is truly venom, venom that will consume any morality, venom that will nest in the soul, devouring it from the inside out, rotting away any foundation of humane values one might have. The events that have unfurled in this very cage are a witness to such sad reality, the world is in shambles, people everywhere in the globe are starving, cold, scared and angry; they do not understand what has happened, they just know the world has been tarnished and battered to horrendous extents, yet all they can think about is to find someone to point their finger at. They did not understand the meaning of Instrumentality. Perhaps God does exist, and perhaps He does have a plan, the only inconvenience is that we humans are far too blind to glimpse at a truth that stands before us as clear as daylight.

We still care only for ourselves, we still believe our own personal traumas and pains are so deep and horrible that no-one can even begin to hope to understand them. We blindly use anything at our reach, without a single thought we devour our nature, our kinsmen and ourselves. We believe ourselves to be cut from each other, from the ties that truly make us human. But hope is not dead yet. If my boy could grasp this reality, if my boy was strong enough to suffer so we all could have another opportunity, it will be nothing less than an insult to him f I do nothing. In my entire life, I would not have expected my chance at redemption to be handed so easily. It will be hard, painful road indeed, but I am Gendou Ikari. I am the Supreme Commander of NERV.

And I have a plan.

* * *

Shinji awoke to the soft sounds of the food cart's wheels as they entered his small room during the late hours of morning. It came as a sad, somewhat cold realization that his bed occupied only him, but quickly remembering Asuka was home preparing everything for his arrival, a relieved smile quickly found its way to his face. She had mentioned something about waking up early to pick some things somewhere, but he had been way too drowsy to correctly remember what it was. Misato was gone from the room too, sadly.

Glancing at the nurse, who looked sheepish and somewhat ashamed of waking him, he smiled and greeted her with a sunny demeanor, something truly unlike him.

"Hi Kazumi-san! How are you this morning?" The happiness could not but escape from his tone, and he truly could not be happier. One more day and finally, after a tedious, torturous month tied up to the bed he had come to despise, he would be released from the hellish room and the annoying beeps of NERV Medical Ward. For far too long he had been awakened by the stinging pain of one of the many needles on him when they stuck out of place as he moved in his troubled sleep? For far too long had his nostrils been sickened by the stench of disinfectant and antiseptic, forcing him to control his gagging reflex as not to vomit every time he took a breath. The brown haired boy was confused, he did not quite sure knew which odor he hated the most; whereas it was the smell of LCL, the smell of hospitals or the smell of rotting meat. Quite frankly, those were all stenches people tended to hate anyway, so there was nothing abnormal with his profound hatred for hospitals.

"Oh, aren't you all sunshine and giggles today! It's nice to see you smile Shinji-kun!" said the nurse happily, relieved to finally glance at the relaxed expression of the young charge. Even better was the knowledge that the redheaded nightmare who for some reason was still allowed within a hundred yards from the boy was finally gone. If she had her way, under no circumstances would the redhead be allowed to interact with her patient.

Shinji smiled nonetheless, blissfully unaware of the nurse's distaste for Asuka. Always the shy one, he blushed at the compliment, awkwardly scratching his cheek as he imagined the sweet taste of fresh air.

"Well… I'm finally going home. I miss my home, and it really bothers me to think Asuka and Misato are handling things in there. It'll probably look like a war zone when I get there." Shinji chuckled again, remembering the first time he had walked into Misato's apartment. Boy, had that been a surprise.

Once again, Shinji did not quite catch the twitch in the nurse's right eye at the mention of his aggressor. In his mind, Asuka had done nothing wrong, he had relinquished his life long ago after all, but to everyone else, the girl was nothing more than a deranged psychopath with sadistic tendencies, whose only purpose in life was to punish him. All in all, it mattered very little to him what everyone else thought, if Instrumentality had managed to rinse something out of him, was the interest of knowing how other people saw him. It was too painful anyway, to think of all the people who hated him, who knew what he was and what he had done, it was too painful and too troublesome to think about. What did everyone else know, anyway?

"Well, let me just make your leave a bit more comfortable then, shall we?" Quickly getting back to her work, the kind nurse painlessly removed the syringes from arm, placing a band-aid on his vein.

After she was done, she redressed the bandages around his waist and chest. Needless to say, Shinji himself was at awe with the efficiency of the serum Akagi had invented. The incision scars, where the doctors had been forced to open up and somehow rearrange the many shards of broken bone stuck in between his diaphragm and lungs, which had later forced him to breath with the help of a machine for over two weeks, those painful, bluish and throbbing wounds had somehow disappeared. Now, the stitches had slowly fallen one after the other, there were still many holding the scar closed, but soon enough, they'd fall on their own as well. The swelling had almost disappeared, leaving a trail of healing skin around the wound. All in all, he seemed to be improving marvelously under the serum.

This did not sit well with the nursing staff. For about four months they had been the ones to treat Shinji whenever he required medical attention, and he always came back for the same reason. That girl. That sadistic, egomaniac, insufferable little bitch. If Kazumi discovered true evidence of such an abuse, or discovered the boy was being forced to clean and wash and cook, even when his diaphragm was in such a tarnished shape, then perhaps she´d be able to sue and grant the boy some sort of emancipation so his health would no longer be in danger. The mere thought of the redheaded bitch was enough for her to tie Shinji's bandages a tad too roughly. She noticed only after he made a hissing sound and recoiled.

"Oops, sorry Shinji-kun. I think we're all set now. I'm gonna go run some errands and I'll be back to see you go. Get well soon!"

The nurse hurried off to do whatever it was she needed to do. Shinji stretched loudly on his bed, lifting his arms until they trembled and yawning splendidly. Feeling somewhat energized and safe with the bandages snugly keeping his wounds on their place. The cold porcelain floor felt alien on his naked soles, yet the feeling was not uncomfortable enough for him to wish for some socks. For far too long he had sat there, feeling nothing but pain, confused and depressed; now the feeling of cold on his feet felt as good as a reassuring cold shower. He longed to be able to cook once again, to be able to hold and play the cello like before, to feel the soft strings press against his fingertip and emit sweet mournful sounds at his will.

It had been way too long since he had had the opportunity to play, or even listen to his songs in peace, yet sitting there in perfect calmness gave him the chance he needed to collect his thoughts and promptly ask himself just what the fuck he was going to do next. For some reason, much of the agony that had until the day before tore at his soul without mercy, leaving him to be a poor zombie-like excuse of a human being, had somehow been replaced by the slight, almost imperceptible hope he felt towards tomorrow.

Breathing in once again the stench of disinfectant in the air, Shinji decided it was time to finally try to openly move. Carefully placing the soles of his feet back down on the ground, the boy lifted himself up in one fluid motion, yet the moment he made the abrupt movement to lift his healing ribs made it very clear for him that it was in fact way too soon to move like that. Shortly the pain dulled and Shinji occupied himself in walking from side to side in his room, examining what he could actually do without hurting, and it turned his movements were still very much limited. Lifting his left arm was a stupidity, he stretched the healing tissue around his ribcage and it simply hurt way too much. Jumping or running was definitely out of the question, but luckily he had no trouble with walking. On an added note, his good diet had managed to fill him with healthy energy and regain some mass.

He smiled placidly, sitting on the bed once again before a very cold shudder ran down his spine. There was something wrong in the room, and he couldn't quite place what it was but he was suddenly colder, scared, as if a predator was lurking right by his side, hungry to devour its meal. For a moment of hysteria he thought he was loosing his mind again, then he felt it, he felt the seat of the Entry plug dig into his back, he felt their pain, their fear, all of it all at once, he saw Lilith smiling down at him and taking his sanity away in one final act of cruelty. He could feel the world twisting around him, and the image he so fervently despised was inside his mind, he could see Unit 2. Then, he heard it.

"_**You really think you're safe from me?"**_

The breath caught in his throat, the room started spinning and the stench of LCL penetrated through the fog of disinfectant. The voice sounded furious, enraged in hatred and starving for misery and despair.

"_**Do you really think you can run away from ME?" **_

Desperate, he surveyed the room, looking everywhere to confirm that this in fact was a nightmare and not reality; that he had somehow fallen back to sleep, but no. He could hear the machines around him, the sun glazed through the window and a gentle breeze caressed the trees outside. This was no dream. This was reality. And it was talking to him, just like when he had tried to kill Asuka. It wasn´t coming for him in his sleep, it was attacking him on every angle, just like before. Just like that time when he had been all alone in that world of red, all alone. Just like that time when the voice had kept him alive for who knows how long until she came back and everyone started coming back. It was whispering to him, telling him what to do, leaving him to be nothing else but a doll, nothing less than a monster.

Shinji glanced left and right, looking for any way to escape, looking for the door, but it blurred under the stress. He started hyperventilating, feeling as though the world itself folded around him, enclosing him in despair.

"_**I see you…" **_Vicious, the voice whispered against his ear. He could almost feel the hot rancid breath over his lobe, glaring at him with crimson hatred, and for a moment Shinji felt his very reason inch away from him, just like that time in the Entry Plug when he had killed everyone, and just like that time on the beach when he had tried to kill Asuka again. So he bit his lip as hard as he could.

"You can't control me." Whispered the boy back, anger fueling his voice. Shinji felt the beast smile from inside of him.

"_**You can't win… I am your guilt, boy…" **_Shinji's nostrils flared in hatred. He was just so fucking sick of it, sick of being afraid. Guilt? He had felt guilty ever since that bastard had left him on that train station so long ago. He sure as hell did not need a fucking zombie to remind him to feel miserable with every breath he took. There was no need for that, he already knew, and he already suffered for it every day.

"_**I´ll be waiting… you can't win…" **_

"I will." Slowly, the world unfolded itself. If he lost his mind, he'd be running away again. Just running away like a pathetic brat, attempting to escape from a reality much too hard to bear, letting insanity wash away his sins. No, no, that would simply not do. He had made a promise.

Shinji fell on his bed a tad heavier than he intended to, thus hissing yet again as his wounds complained rather loudly on his boldness and stupidity before receding once again. He had done it, he had managed to push that thing deep inside the darkest part of him for the time of being, but the monster's visit was like a cold splash or reality on his face. Even though it felt as if some of the weight had been dropped off his shoulders, the fact remained, his actions remained. He could never be with Asuka the way he wished to be, never that close. She hated too much, and not without reason but for some moments the day before such a glimpse of some future had been opened to him, some world where he could be with her, love and cherish her instead of hurting and clawing at her, like his mere presence seemed to inflict on the redhead. It had occurred to him that maybe such a world was possible. Who knew…?

He was still the one person who, in a moment of insanity and absolute weakness had embraced Lilith's desire and wiped off all human life from the planet in a single fluid motion. Those things he knew and he would carry with for as long as he lived.

Shinji looked down as his arm, noticing for once the lack of a cast on him. Perplexed with such a new discovery and rather flabbergasted for not noticing it before, the boy flexed his arm, feeling his bones crack from misuse, but otherwise feeling no pain. It brought a slight joy to his chest, and feeling somewhat calm after his initial shock his mind seemed to be fit enough to work normally again. He lay there for a while, just thinking of things to do in order to better himself, things to do to somehow amend for some of his wrongdoings, and there meditating and slowly breathing he noticed a shadow that seemed all too familiar coming from behind his nightstand. Intrigued, the boy slowly walked to where the case looking thing projected the shadow.

What he found left the former Third Child dumbfounded. There was a cello case resting behind his bed, hidden so meticulously that the only way it was noticeable at all was because of the shadow produced when he turned on his nightlight. Retrieving the cello case, he opened it and had to blink heavily and fight the urge to scream at the Heavens for their minute of mercy and compassion. A Stradivarius was sitting on his hospital floor.

He could smell the vintage wood, the intoxicating aroma of maple and willow as they mingled with the spruce drove his brain to musical heaven. His fingers shakily threaded over the strings, the callused around his hands were soothed by the texture of the wood as he lifted the cello from its case and for a long time he did nothing but stare at it, mesmerized by the fines and the exquisite detail engraved on the marvelous instrument as it shined under the faint light of midday. Knowing fully that an attempt to play in his current state was an idiocy raging on the absurd, considering the limited mobility of his arm or the delicate state of his muscle tissue, Shinji decided to simply stare at the cello, before wondering out loud.

"How in the hell did this thing get here?"

His question would go unsolved, but he noticed a small paper clinging to the back of the case. It seemed printed, so he could not picture any handwriting he knew, and it seemed easy enough to read. The kanji was standardized and to his eyes the message appeared to be quite amiable. The text read:

-"_**Heard you were a magnificent musician. Here´s a token of my appreciation, from one artist to another**_."-

Appreciation for what, Shinji did not know, but he most definitely wasn't going to complain about a brand new Stradivarius gift thing. Smiling once again and feeling the hopelessness of his latest episode dissolve under the sun, he tucked the cello back in its case before sinking at last on his bed, which for once felt quite comfortable.

* * *

"…so… uhhh… We're really sorry about what happened last time… and… umm… Kensuke?"

"Yeah… yeah… it, kinda escalated out of control… umm…. We promise to behave now, but please… just let us see him out, we're his best friends!"

"Yeah! Umm… we'll behave, you'll see! If you just give us a chance to…"

The rest of the annoying banter was promptly ignored by the brilliant scientist's mind as a simple affair of keeping whatever sanity she had managed to steady over the past eight months and not be charged with yet another child's suffering. How these brats had managed to come to her office and pester her with their presence was still a mystery to the fake blonde, but she'd find out. Oh yes, she would, and then she'd skin Misato alive and feed her remains to her cats. Or she could very well design a car accident for her, that way the annoying toaster she called a car would be gone as well. Oh yes…

While violent scenarios of bloodied retaliation unfolded one after the other inside the Commander's brain, her eyes remained boringly fixated on the brats in front of her, who, to her utmost distaste, were _still_ talking.

"… So really, Commander, it's all a matter of perspective. Given the attenuating circumstances under which the encounter took place, I would deduce that it was mere chance, more than anything what's at fault for our current predicament."

Kensuke's attempt to use articulated language was dully noted by Ritsuko's brain, making her sigh in despair. If this indeed was the punishment she deserved for her share of sins and disgusting actions, then it wasn't all that bad, she supposed.

"Besides, someone as beautiful and young as yourself shouldn't have to worry about these things…"

This coming from the boy she had recruited to have his arm and leg amputated. No, really, she was in Hell.

"All right." That enough seemed to calm the blubbering teens, who straightened in their chairs and waiting for her command. There was a headache threatening to crack her skull open on any moment's notice, should she be forced to listen to more of the brat's nonsense. They were still quiet, sitting straight and trying their best not to sweat. Even when Ritsuko failed to expel that dark energy the former Commander seemed to pulse from behind his imposing desk, she was still very much intimidating. Also, the vein popping out of her forehead seemed to drive the message quite clearly.

"Now listen to me, brats." Taking a deep breath to calm her aching nerves, the Commander dictated her sentence.

"The last time you went to see Shinji you almost caused a severe complication which ended in him almost choking on his own air thanks to your childish antics and immature behavior, and don't even think about opening that trap, mister Suzuhara, or I'll make you wish you never got that leg back." ,all but growled the blonde. Touji, who had for a second thought of giving her a piece of mind regarding the redhead, wisely locked his vocal chords in time.

"Now, the only reason I'm going to allow you clowns to go check on your buddy is because the mere thought of having to listen to you for another minute is equal to me being charged of double homicide. Oh, and if you decide to upset my patient again I swear on my mother's grave I'm going to have you both neutered. Without anesthetic."

The boys gulped and hissed, closing their crotches in defense, but soon enough the message drove into their heads, making smiles draw themselves on their faces.

"You mean we can go see him!" , screamed both teenagers at once, making the scientist wince and loose her temper.

"YES!" She roared, slamming her fists on the quite expensive desk and standing dangerously from her quite expensive and quite comfortable chair. She noticed with delicious pleasure the way the brats jolted at her outburst and drove back to their seats.

"Now get the _freak_ out of my office!"

The teens cluttered to their feet, hurriedly stumbling over each other before diving to the front door. They had almost made it to the door handle when Ritsuko's roar paralyzed them yet again.

"WAIT!" She ordered. Both Touji and Kensuke gulped, not daring to face the fearsome Commander. "Turn around." The did, shaking miserably. Ritsuko lifted an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her ample chest before asking, "Who let you into my office, brats?"

The teens looked at each other with confusion, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Miss Misato did." They answered at unison. God, that just freaked her out. Sometimes those brats acted like Asuka and Shinji. She resisted the urge to shudder at the mere image the idea brought to her brilliant brain.

"Yes, Misato… of course she did." growled the blonde angrily. "You should have left two seconds ago."

Both Touji and Kensuke jolted yet again, opening the door hastily and scrambling in a crazy dash to the Infirmary. As soon as the door closed, Ritsuko fell back into her seat, opening the left bottom drawer and extracting a bottle of something green and shiny, clearly a beverage not made for weaklings. The design on the bottle was exquisite, golden traces closed all over it, mixing each other in adorable little golden circles and making suggestive forms all over the bottle. The message on its front was clear enough for anyone to see.

-**Absinthe**-

_Amsterdam's finest _

Resisting the urge to cackle madly, she removed the lid, allowing the aroma of the beverage to simmer though the office before taking a long swig of the drink. Her cheeks reddening, Ritsuko took a half-finished bottle of orange juice from the same drawer and poured a healthy portion of the green liquid in the orange juice bottle, mixing them together and making a delicious looking juice mix. The Commander then pressed the button to call her assistant and not two seconds later a petite young brunette girl walked through the door, wearing a friendly smile on her face.

"Can I help you, Commander?"

"Yes, actually." , answered the blonde, signaling the bottle in her hand. "Give this to the chefs over at the cafeteria and tell them to make sure the Sub-Commander drinks this with her lunch, make up some bullshit excuse that's some protein shake or the like, just make sure she drinks this entire bottle."

Her assistant seemed perplexed for a moment before she noticed the playful glimpse in the Commander's expression, so she decided to play along.

"Yes, Madam!" Quickly, the girl grabbed the greenish looking beverage and headed for the cafeteria.

"Oh." Said Ritsuko before the girl left. "And clean up all of her appointments for the rest of the evening." The girl saluted stiffly, bowed, and retired to her work. Yes, her master plan was finally coming to fruition. At last, some retribution would be delivered.

"I'll teach you to mess with me, Katsuragi. Let's see how you like going on an Absinthe trip in front of all your staff, and in my building." She giggled evilly, remembering the presence of numerous cameras all around the Geo-Front. That alone meant tons and tons of blackmail material she could have at any moment's notice. Despite everything, this seemed like a very good day.

* * *

On the far side of the city, Asuka stirred the mixes in her sauce while humming quietly to herself. This was her first time making lasagna, so it was of the utmost importance that she paid close attention to the smell, flavor and texture of the sauce. She had opted for an easy enough white chicken lasagna, knowing well that an attempt at something more complicated would later result in a mess of inhuman proportions, o she decided to stick to simple.

Even so, the stack of dirty dishes seemed to somehow keep growing until the small mountain of culinary debris was too big to ignore. Huffing in exasperation, Asuka started pouring the sauce on the pasta, being quite generous with the cheese before taking the trey on the oven. Satisfied, the redhead wiped off some sweat that had accumulated on her brow, sighing contently at her handiwork. The house was still relatively clean so there was no need to clean too much, perhaps only dusting Shinji's room for a bit.

The apartment occupied only her at the moment, so after she was done Asuka sat on the living room's comfortable couch, taking a while to think about what exactly she was doing. Never before had she cleaned or cooked for someone else, the few, and they were few times when she had been forced by Misato to do some of Shinji's work, she'd done a half-assed attempt at it before resigning and letting the boy deal with it. Never before had she prepared a meal for someone else, just for him.

It felt weird, not necessarily bad or good; it simply felt strange to do things for someone else besides herself. For more than eight years it had been her way of survival, her escape from pain, to rely and care only for herself, but slowly, gently, diligently, Shinji had managed to unlock the door to her heart and find a place in it. She could not help but feel slightly exited and more that a bit nervous at the idea of having Shinji back in the house. That had been what she believed to be the longest month in her entire life, that including the time she had spent in Instrumentality and the months following her mother's passing.

She felt numb. Not exactly bad, simply numb, sort of disconnected from the world, just going by mere instinct, moving mechanically along to do what she was supposed to do. She was doing this meal because she was supposed to, like when she piloted EVA. She was supposed to be a pilot, to be the best, so she had attempted to be and failed miserably. She was supposed to hate Shinji, to loathe the very thought of him, she was supposed to despise his presence, yet she could not even bring herself to do it right either. Somewhere deep in her mind, Asuka wondered what had happened the night before, how she had managed to feel so at home, so relaxed and warm and simply happy by merely sitting with Shinji and Misato and watching TV for a while. She had felt at home, somehow the past and all the bullshit in between them had seemed meaningless in comparison to sharing with someone who cared for her.

Yet happiness was elusive and momentary. There, sitting on the couch with nothing to do, nothing to occupy her mind with, she once again fell victim of a mass of tangled feeling and confusing desires. Everything that made her who she was wanted nothing more than to just run away, to leave the idiot and the drunken bitch behind and keep on moving with her life, to forget about all the hell that place meant and escape somewhere safe. The other side of her had no idea what to do. How do you make it up to someone after you rape them? Is there even a way? How do you apologize after torturing someone? I'm sorry, that's it? What a joke, sorry made nothing right, it made things more complicated, it made her heart ache and hurt and wince in agony. If she could only detach herself from everything, from the guilt and the pain and the hate, if she could only do it all over again.

The redhead sat there in complete and utter silence, barely blinking. How ironic, how many times had she found Shinji in that same position? How many times had she forced herself to hurt him just to ensure he would not fade or die on her and leave her all alone? How ironic, to be complete and totally in someone else's skin. Her mind wandered over to those memories, to the images of him sitting, his eyes glazed while horrific memories ate away at whatever sanity he had left.

_This is how he felt… every day. Like the weight of the world's pain is on your shoulders, like everything you do and everything you don't do hurts the people you care about. Like you're very presence is poison to your loved ones. _

She herself had not cared for anyone until Shinji came around and Misato tried her best to care for them. Those two had been the first two people to worm their way into her heart, and all she had done so far was push them away from her, maybe even to protect them from the venom her presence represented.

She sighed, idly running her hand through her throat, touching the almost imperceptible marks Shinji's fingers had left when they had dug into her flesh. She had never asked him why he had tried to kill her twice; she had never even asked him how long he had strayed alone in the broken city, surviving on his own. She had never asked him why he had killed everyone, just to bring them back. She had not asked those questions because she feared the answers, she feared to know she deserved to be choked to death, she feared to know what horrors, what impossible nightmares he had endured during his time alone.

She hoped Shinji would not misunderstand. Months before, come of the times she "crossed the line" when abusing of hitting him, she would try to make up for it by getting him a new shirt, or buying some random cake she knew he loved and leaving it on the kitchen, or coming to his room at night, desperately trying to ignore his trembling and holding him for a while, just for a while. The next day after breaking his fingers she had gotten his favorite brand and flavor of ice cream, pored a healthy portion on a cup and left it outside his bedroom. She used to do stupid things like that because the words never seemed to escape her lips, the "I'm sorry" so firmly set on her chest would never find its way to Shinji's ears, and sooner than she realized she'd be back at hitting and screaming, back to clawing at his soul with every weapon she had.

His eyes always looked so dead, so alike that time, when she had woken up after he had tried to choke her on the beach. Asuka remembered his eyes quite clearly; for they had been the first clear thing she had been able to distinguish after recovering some of her senses. It still sent chills down her spine, the hollow, empty pools that had stared at her from the other side of the fire, offering her a bowl of noodles.

A sudden –beep- brought her back to reality, meaning the cake she was baking was finished. Slowly, as to not make a single unnecessary sound she walked over to the oven and removed the chocolate cake she had prepared. It looked delicious an smelled like heaven, but she could not have a bite of it yet. Checking the clock, the redhead noticed she still had about two or three hours to finish everything she needed to do, clean herself up and go pick Shinji up from the Hospital with Misato. It seemed somehow strange, the concept of having Shinji back in the small house they called home, for about a month he had been retained inside a hospital bed. Because of her, Shinji had almost died, and would have to carry those two huge scars on his chest. Because of her, Shinji had almost gone insane. Because of her, Shinji would live for the rest of his life with some caution regarding his left side, because there was the possibility of him still having some shards of bone still clinging to his tissue.

Asuka bit her lip, trying as hard as she could not to cry. God, was she fucked up. Everything was just so fucked up, why couldn't things be easy like before?

_It's not like it was any better before, but at least I didn't have to feel so guilty all the time…._

Did she not? Did she not feel like a complete bitch every time she ridiculed Shinji in front of everyone in class, watching him squirm and noticing the very clear pain she inflicted behind those big, blue eyes of his? Did she not feel guilty every time she saw him so miserable for reasons alien to her, which then made her so infuriated that she screamed at him to get that miserable expression clean off his face, only to make it worse?

It took a while, but soon enough she got fed up with feeling sorry for herself. She had decided to face the repercussions of her actions, whatever they were. As she covered the cake with a generous amount of chocolate dressing, Asuka wondered what would happen when Shinji came back home. She hoped he would not get vindictive with her, even when she deserved it. She was scared of that side of him, very scared. Shinji was really scary when he was angry.

"Hmm… just a bit mooore…" Carefully distributing the chocolate all over the cake, she stuck her tongue out in concentration, slowly making lines and waves with the dressing. After about five minutes, she was done with the cake and boy was she proud of herself. The young girl had always prided herself in her ability to do anything she put her mind into, her gifted brain allowed Asuka to understand concepts and solve problems faster than the average person, the only problem was that this ability limited itself to practical matters. She had the maturity and intelligence of a newborn infant when it came to matters of the heart.

Satisfied with her cake, she stored it in the oven to make sure no retired or not retired hungry Sub-Commander would want to get cute with Shinji's welcoming present. She had thought of buying him something, but knowing him as well as she did, she knew that what he wanted was way too expensive for her at the moment, so she'd go with the next best thing. A home-made meal, prepared specifically for him.

The lasagna needed nothing more than to get in the oven, the cake was done, the house was cleaned, and the dishes were washed. There was nothing more for her to do, nothing more to focus on or bother with. There wasn't even any laundry to do, she had been so obsessed with preparing everything that the girl had not even thought about taking a bath or a brake herself, she was after all very tired and very sweaty.

Taking the apron off, Asuka headed for the restroom, a mixture of what shampoo, conditioner and lotion to use for the day already forming in her mind. To the untrained eye it would seem as though the girl was making all the arrangements for Shinji in an effort to correct her wrongdoings, and it was partially true, she was indeed attempting to do something for him, yet the truth was that doing all the chores, cooking and cleaning or otherwise busying herself with mundane things to do managed to get her mind off all the horrible things she had both experienced and perpetrated.

Sighing tiredly, Asuka headed for her bedroom to retrieve the necessary items for her bath. The redhead chose a simple outfit to go around, just a pink T-shirt and some shorts, nothing too fancy, just the normal outfit for being at home, she had no intention of going off somewhere else anyway, so the shorts would do just fine.

Ever since she had come back from Third Impact bathing was something she both adored and dreaded. There was nothing she could compare the feeling of hot water running all over her body, but taking a bath meant having to gaze at the scars of her last battle, and those scars, those memories overpowered the present, those flashbacks were so vivid sometimes that she screamed when she remembered the pain of the Lance as it stuck her eye.

The young girl opened the door to the small bathroom, trying not to flinch at the memory of Shinji just sitting there, completely naked, with the freezing water all around him and the knife resting against the tub's side. She undressed, minding to place the dirty laundry in its rightful place and being careful as to not gaze at her figure in the mirror. As she took her bra off, her fingers danced across one of the scars on her back, one that was almost imperceptible, but to her it stood out completely as a reminder of her failure, a reminder of Shinji's betrayal, forever imprinted on her flesh.

After running the water Asuka slowly sat on the tub, minding to rinse every part of her body with soap and extensively caring for her hair. Her hands moved on their own, rinsing every last part, every scar with cautious detail, cleansing every inch of her creamy skin. She took long baths; she had always taken her time to make sure she looked her best, but ever since the 15th, Asuka remained for at least an hour in the bathroom, trying in vain to clean off the dirt in her own soul.

After about an hour and a half of cleansing herself, she went about dressing accordingly for the occasion. She still had her pride, which did not, under any circumstance, allowed her to dress formally or even look to well groomed, since that would imply certain things she was still unsure about, so the redhead opted for a regular home-like attire, taking one of her favorite yellow T-shirts (one Shinji had found for her during their week alone) with a big bear on it that said `Hands off, Private property´ and a fit pair of jean shorts. She combed her red locks for the accustomed fifteen minutes, making sure to untangle any knots on her long hair before styling the golden red locks in her usual manner.

Emerging from the bedroom that seemed all too alien to her yet remained her own, Asuka took a long breath to calm down the itching nerves that consumed her senses, it was out of mere self-control that she managed not to eat her nails. The night before everything had been so perfect, so truthful that it seemed somehow still impossible in the redhead's mind, but the crushing anxiety ad the mixed up feelings threatened to drive her mad again. On one hand there was the possibility of actually being close to Shinji and Misato, the possibility of leaving the past eight months behind and pretend nothing had ever happened, yet she knew that attempting to live a life based on a lie was a dead end. She had experienced it first hand.

There was still so much she needed to ask, so much anger she desperately hoped to get off her chest, but now there was fear. Asuka feared her own temper, she had developed a tendency to escalate things to a physical level ninety-eight percent of the time ever since Third Impact, and she was still unsure of her ability to hold her violent outbursts. She never had been able to before.

With little left to do for her but wait for Misato and Shinji, Asuka sat on the couch and remembered. She remembered all the things which she had attempted to hide from ever since she was seven years old. Taking a deep breath, Asuka simply stared at the wall, trying to figure out exactly when she had started loosing control, or if she ever even had control to begin with.

* * *

Touji, Kensuke and Shinji were quiet in the small room. There was few they could say to each other after what had happened last time. When they had fought each other. For the first time ever.

Shinji´s eyes were downcast, watching his left arm stoically, not bothering to look at any of them in the eye, this time it was not out of shame or fear, but anger. He really cared very little for what people thought of him anymore, one could not go through Instrumentality and not learn something substantial and life-defining. He could no longer value himself depending on the perception others had of him. It was too tiring to try to be someone he was not. He had come to terms with his actions long ago, and it didn´t bother him at all to be punished, least by the person who deserved to unleash her anger on him the most.

Touji sat on the armchair Misato normally sat on, waiting impatiently for someone to say something, anything at all; he had always been upset by uncomfortable silences, like those during the times Hikari had come to visit him. The biggest of the three had never been good with words, but he knew they had crossed an invisible yet well established line of respect when he had insulted Asuka in the way he had. Within their small group that had always been a rule, healthy jokes could be exchanged from time to time, but nothing that openly degraded the redheaded devil.

Touji knew he was right, he knew too damn well what that bitch wanted from his friend, and it just made him sick to watch his best friend, the reason for him being alive and with his family, struggle every day to even lift his scrawny ass from bed because of her. Touji didn´t blame him, who'd want to get up if that meant putting up with that crazy harpy?

Kensuke frowned at the white walls, his train of thought was fairly similar to Touji's, the only difference was that he believed something darker, sicker was going on, but kept his mouth shut out of respect for Shinji's current predicament. They had all kept quiet during the past months, but putting Shinji in a hospital was unacceptable.

"I'm not going to apologize." Stated Touji simply, earning a raised eyebrow from Kensuke and a heated glare from Shinji. He returned the glare with equal passion. "I'm not. You can't ask me to be okay with this."

Shinji's glare receded as he sighed and again opted to stare at his arm, not really knowing how to respond. Touji sighed dejectedly while Kensuke remained quiet. Of the two of them, Touji probably hated Asuka the most, but Kensuke tended to be more eloquent regarding his dislike for the redhead so it came as a surprise to the bigger boy that Kensuke had not yet spoken a word, he had after always been the best in all that talky-feely stuff.

Rapidly growing impatient and bored, Kensuke decided to get his facts completely straight before uttering judgment and upsetting Shinji yet again. The smaller boy adjusted his glasses, taking a deep breath.

"Look man, you said we didn't understand, and we don't. We don't even know half the things that went on during the fights with the angels, and we sure as hell have no idea what went through during Third Impact and we're not gonna force you to tell us until you're ready, but we're your friends. And you can't ask your friends to sit around and do nothing when someone's hurting you for no reason."

Taking yet another deep breath, Kensuke observed Shinji's stoic figure in a vain attempt to catch his eyes. Experience and month of hanging out with the former pilot had allowed him to understand his eyes always told exactly what he was feeling.

Shinji himself tried to decide what to tell them and what to keep a secret so they would at least understand where he was coming from. The words piled up like bile in his throat, threatening to spill out the poison that for so long had been consuming him. He had never admitted these things to anyone but Asuka herself, and for good reason. He was afraid of loosing his friends once they knew exactly what he had done. They were so worried about him that they were willing to face Asuka and Misato; they deserved to know the truth even when it cost him their friendship.

"Come on ,man…" begged Touji, standing from the chair and drawing closer to Shinji's bed. "You said we don't understand, so make us understand." Shinji sighed again, feeling his shoulders sack in defeat. Boy, he could just not get a break anywhere and under any reason, but such was the way his life had developed in recent years. Running away was always an option, he had after all been running away from his own actions for eight months. Asuka's constant abuse was by far the most efficient way of running away from everything, by being punished by her Shinji managed to escape from himself, by drowning himself in guilt he could evade his past actions and pretend he was paying for it. Being miserable was, after all, easier than being righteous.

"Okay…" whispered the boy almost imperceptibly. He sagged into his bed, trying to understand why he could never have so much as a day's rest. The boy lifted his gaze to his friends, showing them the haunted look that had for so long accompanied his face.

"Maybe you guys think Asuka's just trying to vent her anger on me or something, but that's not it. I wish… I wish it were that simple…" Touji's eyebrow twitched , there was a sinking feeling in his stomach that meant whatever Shinji had to tell them would forever their perception of him. He didn't want that to happen.

"It started back when we were fighting the Angels, everything started to go to hell between us after the 15th, that Angel from space that attacked Asuka's mind. That thing tortured her, it took her all the things she had tried to forget, all her insecurities, her traumas, and threw it in her face. It destroyed her, you know… And I… I didn´t do a thing to help her."

Kensuke himself took a moment to rationalize what was happening. For the first time ever, Shinji was telling them about his experiences during the Angel Wars. It was somewhat of a rule in their small circle that such topics were better left untouched, both him and Touji knew quite well how hard and painful it had been for Shinji to pilot, much more so to talk abut it. Shinji took yet another slow, calming breath, feeling the usual discomfort in his ribcage.

"I guess I didn't know how to approach her, how to help her. I felt so useless, she cried and screamed and threw tantrums and tried so hard in the middle of it to tll me she needed someone to be there for her, and I didn't listen. I was so confused about it back then, everything was so wrong and strange that it felt like was happening to someone else, I felt so disconnected to everyone, to everything. When she cried herself to sleep I just turned the volume up on my SDAT and tried to draw her out. Before I knew it the Angels were dead, Rei was dead and had somehow come back to life, I realized she was my sister and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up for a second there." Interrupted Touji, looking flabbergasted. "Rei was your what?"

"My sister, or half sister, I don´t really know. She was a clone of my mother. " Both boys looked at each other, exchanging superfluous glances back and forth before simply choosing to stare questioningly at their mutual friend.

"O-kay…" They replied at unison. Shinji looked sheepish before the ghost of sadness assaulted him. It was still very hard to think of Rei and his feelings towards her, it brought too many painful question he still had not yet deciphered.

"Umm… look, guys, I don't really want to talk about that, so I'll just tell you what I did, okay?" When both his friends nodded, Shinji braced himself for what he was about to say. His greatest shame, his most sickening sins were about to be revealed. Never before had he openly admitted them to anyone, not even her.

"Before the soldiers attacked us I went to visit her. She had gone missing for a week, I looked for her, I really did but I couldn't find her anywhere, and… and when I did find her… I couldn't… I couldn't do a thing. She was just laying there, starving herself, not caring for anything. I… I called Section Two from a public phone, I even tried to fake some voice because… I was afraid."

Both his friends remained respectfully silent, attempting to absorbe the information. Perhaps they had been quick in their judgment of Asuka's actions, but there was still no substantial reason for the state she had left Shinji in. Sure, he had been a coward, but who really knew how to deal with Asuka? Not even Hikari had managed to understand or support her during her breakdown, the girl was simply impossible, there was no reasoning with her. Could it be that she had perhaps gotten into an argument with Shinji, the boy had responded and she had not managed to control her temper?

"She fell into a coma then, and everything kinda happened all at once. Misato went off to her own world of revenge, Asuka gave up and I just… I didn't know what to do, where to go. I wasn't even sure if I was still alive, because everything felt so distant. "

Shinji took another small break, feeling his side complain. He slowly inhaled some air before calmly releasing it through his nostrils, and for a moment he felt relaxed.

Touji and Kensuke stared at Shinji in wonder, still waiting for something substantial in the facts that could somehow explain Asuka's attitude.

"I didn't come to visit her until after a week, and the time I did, it just… I…" The words were in the back of his throat, but they threatened to choke him with the awful taste of shame. If he admitted his sick, disgusting sin to the only friends he still had they would surely abandon him too and with good reason, yet there was nothing else he could do, there was nowhere to run away to anymore. Tears burned his eyes as the memories flooded once again, painting the scenery with sickening detail in his head. He tried lowering his gaze so they wouldn't notice the tears, but it was a futile attempt.

Both boys became alarmed when they noticed their friend's shoulders sack and his body tremble. Red lights lit up in their heads when they remembered Ritsuko's quite graphic threats of anaesthetized castration, and in a moment both boys were at Shinji's side.

"Dude, are you ok? You don't have to keep going if you don't want to…" said Kensuke in fear, rushing over to Shinji's side.

"Yeah man, get some rest… You don't need to stress yourself." Touji placed a hand on his shoulder, feeling as they shook with silent, barely restrained sobs.

Shinji sniffed a few times in an attempt to compose himself and carry on, his healing wounds for once in a week were not in fault of pushing him down, they kept themselves in their quiet healing process, no; this time he was being stopped by the immense shame that threatened to break him in two.

"I'm fine, guys… I'm fine, it's just… this is… this is really hard to say…" Both his friends relaxed when they saw it was just a bit too much emotion instead of some life-threatening complication what had Shinji in such a state. Touji, for the life of him could not comprehend what exactly it was that Shinji wanted to tell them, but he was getting impatient. None of the things he had said so far were in any way something substantially

"The day I went to visit her was the day the JSDF attacked, but I didn't know any of that. Seeing her like that, it tore me apart. She was laying there, not doing anything, she wasn't screaming at me, or screaming at Misato or even fighting for her life, she was just waiting to die. She gave up, gave up and left me alone to deal with all that crap. I hated her so much, I wanted her to help me, even if it was just to insult me, anything was better. I felt she had abandoned me, like everyone else…"

Touji clenched his right fist in an effort to calm himself down as Shinji paused. Had he not been such a useless pilot, he could have been there for his friend, if only to support him. The larger boy looked down at the chair he sat on, thinking of his sister and of the sacrifices Shinji had had to suffer so she could be alive and with him that day. Shinji had saved his family and he had done nothing for him. Asuka had been doing God knows what things to him and he had done nothing. His train of thought was interrupted when Shinji spoke the words that would later on determine their friendship.

"I tried waking her up, I moved her, talked to her, begged for her help but she just lay there. I hated her, but she was the one person I actually felt connected to, so I pulled on her arm and… and… her gown unbuttoned."

Kensuke felt a cold, chilling sensation run all the way from the back of his head to the end of his back. Suddenly he didn´t want to know, suddenly there was a feeling of sickness, disease in the air that warned him not to listen, but he was unable to do a thing. He had to know, he had to know so he could at least hate Asuka with good reason.

"I should've covered her, I should've covered her and I should've held her hand until she woke up, I should've stayed by her side so I could protect her… But I… I was so sick of being used, I was so tired of her, of everything, so I thought `if you're going to give up, then me too´. And I did, so I jerked off."

Both boys felt like a bucket of cold water had been splashed straight on their faces. The words were for a while incomprehensible in their brains.

"What?" They both asked at unison.

"What I just said. The army was coming, I should have protected her. She was helpless for once, ever since I knew her, she was helpless, she needed me and I fucking masturbated to the sight of her breasts."

The tone of his voice was filled with so much disgust that it seemed as though he had just spat the last phrase. Then there was silence.

For about a solid minute none of them said a word, not so much as the utterance of a sound, but before Touji or Kensuke could even compose themselves, Shinji continued, to their utter dismay. They didn't want to listen to him anymore, they didn't want to know; nevertheless, they remained quiet when Shinji carried on and as poison and disgust beyond their comprehension or wildest dreams started to leak into his normally calm voice.

"I did, and after I was done I felt so fucking sick with myself that looked for some place in NERV, some hideout for a disgusting rat like me, and I sat there to rot. Everything stopped being important at that moment, I was praying for someone to come along and blow my brains out so that I didn't have to think anymore. I wanted to just to run away forever and disappear. I swear to you, when I felt the barrel of the gun in the back of my head, I thanked God for it. But Misato saved me, she saved me, dragged my ass to the cages so I could help Asuka. She was awake, and she was fighting nine Evangelions on her own. Misato got me to the cages and got shot in the process, so she pushed me into the elevator and disappeared. She tried to move whatever I had left inside, but when to the cages… Unit 01… it was covered in Bakelite. Everywhere I looked, there was Bakelite blocking every way. So I gave up, I sat there, facing Unit 01 and waited to die."

Shinji clutched his bed sheet with vigor, locking eyes with his friends, giving an ample visage of the rage he felt. Rage, shame, and endless self-hatred glared at their eyes.

"Asuka was fighting so hard, I could hear when she was winning and listened when she started to lose, I heard her scream out in pain… so much pain. She was screaming so loud, she was waiting for me, waiting for the Invincible Shinji to come help her for once, and you know what I did?" Both boys backed up as Shinji's glare became hellish and he yelled.

"Nothing! I sat on my ass and let those…those fucking monsters eat her. They… they ate her, they fucking ate her alive! I could hear it, every second of it! I could've done something! If I had asked Unit 01 to move in that moment it would have but I didn't! That thing, Unit 01, mother… she waited until Asuka was… beaten, she wanted me to see it… and I did nothing. I sat there like a coward and let her die! I could've done something! I could have saved her, I could have prevented Third Impact! But I let it happen, I… abandoned her…"

Tears broke at last; racked sobs shook his entire body as the memories flooded through him yet again. Tremors racked his lean figure while his friends tried to digest all the horrible information that had just been dropped onto their unprepared minds.

"So there, that's why she hates me so much. She has every reason to, I let her die, I defiled her. If you ask me, beating me to an inch of my life is only a small part of what I deserve." Eight months of suffering consecutive and hellish mental breakdown after mental breakdown Shinji had somehow managed to learn how to control himself. He took slow, long breaths to steady himself while trying to contain the fresh flow of tears that normally accompanied his flashbacks; within a few seconds he was able to steady himself, but Shinji kept his head low and his mouth closed. The boy did not want to face his friends or former friends to be exact. Perhaps they'd get bored and leave without him having to say it, perhaps they'd be so sickened by his presence that any moment both of them would get up and leave-

He was shocked out of his musings when a pair of strong hands gripped both his arms, making him turn and look into Touji's face; which stared at him with no emotion whatsoever, his expression was neutral, almost relaxed. Shinji was about to ask him what was wrong when the other boy embraced him, minding not to press against his ribs or hg him to strongly, enclosing his friend in what could only be described as a "bro-hug". Shinji was paralyzed, unable to understand what was going on, he was expecting insults, maybe even a punch or two, but a hug?

"Umm… I… don-"

"You've been carrying that weight for all this time, man. I'm sorry I didn't see it before; but we're here for you now, bro." Touji carefully patted him in the back before pulling Shinji at arm's length and standing from the boy's bed, showing him the smile he wore in his face. His smile got a tad bigger when he saw the petrified unbelieving look on Shinji's face. Kensuke patted him on his right shoulder, also careful as to not upset his injuries.

"Look, dude. What you did was very messed up, but we're your friends, we're not gonna judge you like a couple of insensitive pricks. You've obviously been through some hard shit that neither me or this guy can even hope to imagine, even though if someday you decided to tell us about it too then that'd be okay, but I drift from my point; we're going to agree that what you did was low and very nasty, and also agree that even so beating you up like this is a tad extreme, but again I'm falling off the subject, what I'm trying to say is that we`re here for you no matter what. We're your friends and we'll stick by you even if it means having to tolerate the poisonous presence of that egocentric, insufferable bi-" WHACK

Touji glared at his spectacled companion, whacking him on the head again for good measure. After he relaxed, he addressed their still frozen friend.

"What he's trying to say is that we kinda understand why she did what she did now; we haven't forgiven her, and probably ever won't, but we'll lay off her if you feel so strongly about it. Oh, he also means that if you ever feel you need to talk about this stiff with anyone, we're here for you, even if just as a couple of dumb listeners. Don't get me wrong, that was fucking sick man, and I'd clubber you if you weren't hurt already, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. "

Shinji kept staring at him as if he had grown another head, his brain struggling to comprehend that somehow his friends had not yet bailed out.

"Huh…?"

"I said that was fucking _sick_! I mean, if you had done that to my sister I'd probably beat you up too, but not to this extent!"

"Umm…. O...kay?"

"It's okay, Shin-man, we´re still friends, the world hasn't blown up and the grim reaper is not on to get us, so chill already! Geez, is good to know at least some of the facts now! I feel so much better knowing why I can and can`t hate the Re De-" WHACK

"Will you shut the hell up?"

"Hey, what the hell! You´ve been talking like a cheap fortune cookie all this time and I can´t speak my mind!"

"Not when what you're saying is stupid and insensitive!"

"Well, excu-use me, mister chivalry! When was the last time you even held a door open for Hikari, huh?"

"How is that even important right now? And I'll have you know I opened the door for her this morning!"

"Ohh, so that's where you were all night long! I can only assume her father and sisters and well aware of that, no?"

"Y-You know what? I'm done talking with this guy. See you, Shin-man, I´ll drop by your place tomorrow, maybe we can play some videogames and stuff. Then we´ll have a serious conversation about what you just told us, okay? Bye!"

Kensuke stared at Touji in disbelief as the larger boy mockingly to Shinji and gave him the finger. He was frozen in shock for a moment before remembering a crucial detail in the former interaction.

"Hey! I own the damn console, where the hell do you get off pretending you´re gonna go to the Shin-man's house without me! Hey, don't walk away from me, come back here! You don't even know the way!"

* * *

The rest of the conversation was quickly drowned by the seemingly endless halls of the Medical Ward as both boys strode further and further away. Shinji sat on his bed, wondering if this was yet another one of those drug-induced hallucinations or if he had finally gone completely crazy and was now living in a fantastic paradise world invented by his brain. To b absolutely certain he was not dreaming, Shinji pinched himself as hard as he could. When nothing happened, he released the breath he had been holding. He felt somewhat lighter, he had never shared that with anyone before, and to know he had the support of his friends, even when they were too sickened by his actions, was a relief like none other.

Despite of it, Shinji felt somewhat sick. He felt sick because everyone seemed to be judging Asuka, when they really should be judging him, Asuka had not been the one to abandon the fort or to leave everyone to die. Eight months of psychological self-inflicted torture had taught him that, yet the people he knew seemed hell-bent on making him some kind of victim and picturing Asuka as some kind of monster. He was getting tired of it, if anyone was a monster, it was him. Asuka was just another person he had tainted with his decaying presence.

Happiness and peace tended to always escape from him, a fact he had learned to cope with throughout his entire life. It was almost as if being miserable was his natural state of being, yet in the midst of his misery, he felt compelled to go home and be with Asuka. She was, after all, the only person who had managed to get through him; she was the only one who truly knew him. She and Misato were the only family he had.

He was once again taken from his train of thought as the door opened, this time to reveal his guardian and her somewhat not so nice friend, Commander Akagi. They seemed to be arguing about something, since for the first time since he had been admitted into the hospital Misato did not bother to stop her discussion to greet him or even wave at him. Shinji supposed something bad had happened.

"I cannot believe you almost forced me to drink _Absinthe_! Don't you know I'm trying to cut off my drinking?"

"Oh, and you can only presume I have the time and patience to be dealing with the prepubescent attitudes and childish crap, right?"

"Oh, come on, Ritz! They were driving _me_ mad, I needed something so they'd leave me alone!"

"And sending them into my office was your big idea? Those idiots made me waste almost an hour of my time with their crap!"

Misato surrendered, quickly growing tired of the conversation, turning to glance at Shinji for the first time since she entered the room. The ever attractive woman smiled sheepishly, her cheeks turning a tad crimson in embarrassment, soon after she came to her senses and approached Shinji's bed, a satisfied smile drawing on her face.

"Hey, Shinji-kun. How are you feeling? Ready to go home?" said the purpled haired Sub-Commander as she patted him on the head and ruffled his brown locks playfully.

"Y-yeah. I'm ready to go home." The boy returned the smile, albeit a bit forcefully, yet the emotion within it was real. His eyes narrowed for a moment when he locked gazes with Ritsuko, who simply looked down to the pad in her hand and wrote some notes. After she was done, the doctor took a glance at Shinji's body, writing some more before slamming the pencil on the chart and approaching his bed.

"Everything here seems to be in order, you're free to go, Shinji-kun. I'll arrange for someone to bring your clothes and you'll be all set. Now, remember to take the pills I prescribed and to have the serum administered twice every day. Well then, I think we're all s- what's that case?"

Noticing the cello case for the first time, which lay on a corner of the room, Ritsuko's mind went on high alert in a second. That thing could be a bomb, or could have some sort of recording device in it.

"Oh, I found that behind my bed this morning. I have no idea how it got here." Misato too blinked and eyed the case suspiciously. Both women exchanged knowing glances and not a second afterwards Ritsuko yelled "Security!". Two men in black suits ran into the bedroom with their weapons drawn, ready to suppress any threat.

"Take this case over to the lab and have it analyzed for fingerprints, also, make sure that anything inside it is thoroughly checked. Look for audio and video transmitters as well."

The men took the case and drove in a dash towards the laboratory, leaving once again the three of them in complete silence.

"Umm… what's going on? It's just a cello, you know, it had a card on it and everything. I think it's a gift." Shinji glanced over at both of them, noticing Misato fidget slightly and look and the ground, escaping his gaze. Ritsuko took out her PDA, excusing herself over some kind of matter be taken care of and also made her grand escapade from the rapidly distressing situation. Shinji's eyes narrowed at the sight of Misato's expression and Ritsuko's retreat; there was clearly something they did not want him to know.

"I mean, I understand if no one knows where it came from and all that, but was all that really necessary?" getting no response but a nervous laugh, Shinji's eyes narrowed further, he could feel the anger rising in him little by little.

"Are you hiding something from me?"

Misato's eyes snapped open at this, finally turning to look at Shinji in the eye, and yes, she could tell he was growing upset. It was expected, after all, she had yet to give him a reason to trust her again, so perhaps it was time to start being honest. Misato stared deeply into his eyes, concern and honesty showing clearly in her orbs.

"Shinji, you and Asuka saved the world, that means you both are known figures, a lot of people all over the world know who you are and what you've both sacrificed for us, but not all those people are good willed or even agree with the world being restored. There's all kinds of religious fanatics that think this was the Apocalypse written in their holy books, the end of the world, and the simple fact that we're still alive is like an insult to their beliefs."

The woman sat on the chair she always occupied when visiting him and took his hand in her own. The warm feeling washed through Shinji's body, soothing the anger that had at first let itself known inside his chest. He couldn't help it, he just hated being lied to.

"That means you're both targets for a lot of bad people, and it's my job to make sure you're both safe, okay? So don't worry, if the cello checks out okay then I'll have it brought home, so don't worry about that. I'm sorry if you thought I was hiding something from you, Shinji-kun, but I just don't want to put any more stress on your or Asuka's shoulders."

Misato then lifted herself from her chair and sat on Shinji's bed, still having a firm hold of his hand. She kissed him on the forehead tenderly, ruffling his hair and embracing him with care as to not upset his wounds, as was expected. Unconsciously, Shinji's arms found their way to her back as well.

"I just don't want to lose either of you again. I want you to be happy, to grow up and live your lives."

"You just want the apartment all to yourself… that way you can invite Makoto over." muttered Shinji under his breath, but loud enough for her to hear. Misato chuckled before understanding the relevance of what had just transpired.

"Ikari Shinji, did you just make a joke?"

After some laughs and a slow, painful and assisted change of clothes, Misato wheeled Shinji on a wheelchair to the car, where they began their ride home. Shinji busied himself with observing the progress achieved in the reconstruction of Tokyo. Buildings once again stood tall on the advanced city, and although many of them were being built and finished, the ruins that Third Impact had left were rapidly being cared for. The boy happily noticed the lack of debris all around the streets, making it possible for cars to navigate through them, which meant the population was not only growing but also working and prospering. He could not help but feel guilty once again, had it not been for him there would be no need for reconstruction in the first place.

Misato herself was having a hard time focusing on the road, she feared Shinji's reaction at the news that his father had returned from the Red Sea. The boy had obviously still not heard or seen the news as of late, which left her with the uncomfortable, painful and dreadful task of telling Shinji his father, the man who had sent him into a living hell, was alive. She gulped, dodging a piece of rock by mere inches and pretending to stare at the road, minding to take mall glances at her young charge.

Shinji looked passive; his eyes were downcast and sad, probably because he once again felt responsible for the chaos and debris that Third Impact had produced in what used to be their home. No matter how many times she sat him down and told him it was not his fault, he perpetually blamed himself. Knowing fully well there was no nice way to break the news to him and never having been one to sugarcoat things; Misato gulped a second time and took a deep breath to calm her itching nerves.

"So…umm, Shinji. I think there's something you need to know." The boy turned his attention towards his guardian, eyeing with a raised eyebrow. He felt somewhat glad that Misato had called him, the sight of so many wrecked buildings still haunted him, but the nervous way in which Misato was behaving made him worried.

"uhh… What is it?" Misato took another deep breath in an attempt to regulate her tone of voice. She tried to break the news to him as gently as she could, but the subject of the Commander was never an easy one.

"Well… a couple of days ago… umm, the Commander, your father… he… he came back."

The explosion or choking sounds she somehow expected shined for their absence, surprising Shinji's guardian enough to almost pass through a red light and be squashed by a speeding trailer coming from the other side of the street. Misato stopped just in time as to not pass the red light, turning to stare at Shinji, fearing the worst. What she found left her open mouthed, Shinji was casually watching her, a slightly surprised expression in his otherwise sad looking face.

"He did? Huh."

"Umm… don't you feel some kind of way about that? You know, after your history together and all…" Shinji stared at her boringly before shrugging his shoulders and turning his attention to the streetlight.

"Well, you don't go through something like Third Impact without learning something, I guess. I got to sorta understand why he did the things he did. Not that I'm going to forgive him for it, but I understand him. I learned that I had to stop looking for his approval, stop living for it; that's something he's just unable to give, so I really don't care about him anymore. I used to really hate him for using me, for using of all us, but he wasn't the one pulling the strings in the end. I don't hate him, but I don't feel any respect for him either. I guess I don't think of that man as family anymore."

Shinji looked up at the heavens, amazing even himself at the lack of feeling the news brought to him. His father was a bastard, yes, but he was a bastard because it was his only way to cope with his mother's death, even when he had never learned how to live without her. That was why he had gone kuku and plotted to nuke the world an in the midst of Armageddon apologize to his equally kuku wife. Maybe he could be the link in the family chain that _didn't _try to blow up humanity for a change, no, he had succeeded in the family endeavor and could now move on from it. He smiled at the sky.

"I have a real family now." Shinji placed a finger on his chin, being thoughtful for a while.

"Umm… even so, could you arrange it so I can hit him in the face?"

Misato went from amazed to deeply touched in seconds, and was soon shedding tears and staring at Shinji with puppy dog eyes, which of course made the boy feel immensely uncomfortable. Her stare intensified, making him gulp and squirm in his seat. When she extended her arms, Shinji knew he was doomed, but was still hoping to escape from one of Misato's sloppy hugs in any way possible. Taking a look at the streetlight, he found his salvation when the light turned green.

"Misato-san, look! The light's green, we have to g-!" Regardless of his valiant efforts, Shinji was once again subject to the torture of her hugs.

"Oohh, look at you, all grown up! I'm so proud! Aren´t you the cutest little thing ever?" Misato pressed him against her ample bosom before grabbing his cheeks and pinching them.

"When did get so mature? And you're still so cute!"

"Umm, Misato-san, we're holding the traffic." Uttered the boy awkwardly, being nearly deafened by the increasing number of horns and obscenities being thrown at their way. Regardless of his pleas, she continued to cuddle him like a baby for about a solid minute, until the shouting of the other drivers escalated to a dangerous level.

They spent the rest of the ride home in quiet relaxation, each lost in their own thoughts.

* * *

Gendou sat on the hard, gnawed mattress of his prison cell, calmly waiting for the guards to make their grand appearance and start making a big fuss out of everything. There was a dead assassin still bleeding onto the floor, after all. The boy's abilities were remarkable indeed, if the guards had taken so long it meant that every last part of his assault had been carefully and frivolously calculated, meaning that he had arranged the gunshot to be silent, he had arranged for the guards to be warned whenever he chose to and also meant the boy had managed to cut off the video feed of his prison cell, since the Commander assumed he had cut off the 24 hour surveillance camera long enough for him to ensure an escape.

The Makarov. In his left hand was a truly astonishing piece of art. There were fine, interlocking lines of Russian folk craved all over the shining blackened metal that adorned the weapon, making it look elegant and sophisticated, the red shining star that identified the weapon as a Makarov was intact, in fact, it seemed as though it had been recently polished. The barrel itself seemed modified, Makarov handguns had always been a favorite of the KGB and Russian army forces due to its endurance, small size and power, they also could only be used with specific 9X18 bullets that were otherwise incompatible with any other weapon. The barrel itself had been slightly modified so the gunshots would resonate less, and the Commander was sure it left no recognizable marks on the bullets either.

There was a small disk on his chest pocket, a small disk that could facilitate his freedom in moments. There was little politicians feared more than blackmail, and boy did he have blackmail material in that disk; luckily enough he'd be able to get restituted into his charge once again, but he would have to thread carefully. It seemed as though the powers that controlled the world were fighting amongst each other once again, and Japan had the lead since there was still a somewhat functional Evangelion in their power, which meant not only SEELE but the rest of the world would set its target in obtaining the technology and secrets of the S2 organ.

Taking slow intakes of air, he relaxed his senses, remembering the boy's words.

_Gendou remained still for a while, noticing the smoking barrel of the weapon in front of him and the fact that he was still alive, and as soon as the message dived deeply into his brains did he turn around and saw the dead man lying on the floor not a meter away from him. His intelligent brain wasted no time in analyzing the situation, clearly this was yet another assassin, an actual adult, and clearly his own life was in no immediate danger, since it was after all expected of the assassin to use a single perfect shot. But if the boy was not there to kill him, what was his purpose? _

_All this went through Gendou's head during the few seconds it took for him to gaze at the dead guard before addressing his eyes back into the smaller figure facing him. The boy, Dmitri, was smiling at him as lowered his weapon. There was a flicker of movement in Gendou's arm as he braced himself to confront the boy, but Dmitri noticed it and once again pointed the weapon back at him._

"_I wouldn't do that if I were you, Commander, nor would I worry too much about him. You see, we`re always deployed in pairs so the youngsters can"learn the craft", but I seem to have a problem with authority. Forget about that, you must be wondering why you're still alive, which I'll gladly explain in the brief moments we have." Noticing as Gendou took a glance at the metal door and realized it was still firmly closed and no hurried footsteps could be distinguished in the distance, the boy chuckled. _

"_Don't worry; I've arranged enough time for everything to be explained." Noticing Gendou's guard lower, Dmitri continued. _

"_We have a common enemy, Commander, a common enemy that cannot be defeated easily, nor can it be brought down by a single person. I was hired by these individuals to get rid of you, your son, the First and Second Child and anyone who gets in my way, but you see, I have yet another other group of influential and quite persuasive employers who in fact pay me more and also happen to share this common enemy. They need you in your position to wage their war." _

_Gendou remained quiet yet alert, observing the boy's body language. It was completely controlled, there was not a movement wasted or unnecessary; this boy was truly dangerous. His eyes narrowed. _

"_War?" asked the former Commander. _

"_Yes, war. I'm only a piece in a bigger, more complicated chess game, but I play for both sides. I really don't care who wins or who runs the world, I just want the opportunity to personally kill each and every member of a certain organization, and this is where you come in, my dear Commander. You see, SEELE still has a lot of military and economic power available, but they have lost all their political connections, they're being forced to contact drug lords to be able to move the gunships in radar-free zones. Both you and I know what they want, and what they`re willing to do to get it."_

_Dmitri paused, his smirk disappearing for once. His cold eyes glared deeply into Gendou's own cold orbs, facing the man with a boy who possessed a soul more corrupted and tainted than his own. A shiver ran down the Commander's throat. _

"_Unit 02 has awakened, it managed to regenerate and has now absorbed the cores of many of the EVA Series From what I understand, it went ballistic on Lilith's head and when it got bored it just deactivated, just like that. If SEELE gets their hands on a stable S2 core, it'll take no more than five or ten years before they manage to duplicate it and build themselves a god-like machine. They will kill everyone at NERV, anyone who ever got close to Evangelion technology do they can have all the secrets to themselves, they´ll get their own teams and start assembling and selling the technology all over the world."_

"_Can you imagine? In a few years, if you have the money, you're gonna be able to buy your own EVA! Now that there are no more Angels to kill we're going to stop pretending we're a unified species and in a year or two we´re going to get back at what we do best, killing each other, and Evangelions and remarkable killing machines. Any country with a functional Evangelion will be a force to be reckoned with. SEELE, as the main salesman, has officially been degraded to a terrorist organization, and as such I myself am a terrorist for the time of being, a somewhat demeaning term for a man of my profession, but no matter."_

_The boy checked his watch rapidly, his right eye twitching slightly in annoyance. He gazed back at Gendou's impassive face, smirking yet again at the lack of any reaction whatsoever in the Commander's face. _

"_Not that you didn't know all that anyway, but here's where everything starts turning interesting. This is really not a prosecution at all, the group of ambassadors and chancellors sent to process and deport you to the international court so you can be "prosecuted" and probably sentenced to death, public hanging most likely; my personal favorite, is a group you are quite familiar with. Here, my employers took the liberty of facilitating you with physical evidence of all the incriminating and dirty shit you already know they did. I wouldn't be too surprised if you know each of their faces."_

_Dmitri calmly walked over to the slightly taller man, standing about two feet away from him. They stared at one another, the ever present smirk in the boy's face facing the cold expression that had for so long distinguished Ikari Gendou. The boy produced a small disk from his jacket with his left hand, depositing it in Gendou's chest pocket. He patted the other man hard on the chest, his smirk growing wider as he once again received no reaction. He then introduced his hand in the back pocket of his combat pants and took about twenty or so more disks. He then crouched onto the floor, knocking the bricks carefully until there was a hollow sound in one, which he retrieved from the floor before placing the disks in the hole. After he was done, he dropped the brick back in its place. The boy then moved faster than Gendou managed to register, within a second he was inches away from the boy's face. _

_Gendou felt the cold metal of the gun as it was forcefully placed against his left hand. The boy invaded his personal space, glaring at him with those eyes that seemed to promise horrible tortures to anyone who dared stare into them. _

"_You job is to ensure the proper use of the EVA in this fantastic clusterfuck, then; when everybody's dead, your other job is going to consist in blowing that fucking monster up to Kingdom Come." Securing the weapon in the Gendou's hand, Dmitri stepped away from him and in one fluid motion gripped the chair's ear and propelled himself to the ceiling, kicking a loose metal plate, perhaps the route he had taken to enter his cell in the first place. _

_Before exiting the cell through the hole in the ceiling, the boy addressed Gendou with a much more sinister stare, one that once again brought a chill to the Commander's back. _

"_Don't get me wrong, I'm on this for my own personal reasons; and with all due respect to Ikari Shinji, if you fail in your assignment or try to fuck me over, then I'll tie you to a chair with barbed wire and disembowel your son and daughter while you watch, do I make myself clear?" _

_Wordlessly, the larger man nodded, knowing very well that the threat he had received was very much real. The Commander never lost his cold, calculating demeanor anymore than the boy lost his sarcastic and somewhat sickening smirk. With a bow, the boy jumped on the chair and then to the roof, securing the metal plate in seconds before imperceptibly escaping though the ventilation ducks. _

_In the darkness of his prison cell, once again completely alone, Ikari Gendou smiled. It was not a pleasant sight._

About fifteen minutes after the boy exited his cell, the hurried footsteps shook the elder Ikari out of his reverie, and after about a minute of colorful curses and traded insults between the guards the metal door was unlocked, not before Gendou hid the weapon behind the toilet.

"What the fuck is going on he- Holy shit, there's a dead body on the floor!"

Not a second after the larger, studpidier uniformed man exposed his numbing stupidity, the guards had manhandled Gendou into the floor, kicking and hitting him a bit more than necessary, considering he did not offer resistance.

"Hurry up and cuff this asshole!"

"And how in the fuck am I gonna do that! He's only got one hand!"

More kicks were delivered to his stomach and ribs before he was hurled off the ground by at least four men. His vision was slightly blurry, but he realized with satisfaction that the guards had not yet discovered the location of the weapon. Moreover, as he was dragged out of the cell the former Commander noticed the holster on the dead assassin's thigh was empty. Once again, he was astonished at the level of foresight and analysis the boy possessed. Had that brat been a pilot, he would have probably slaughtered every Angel unassisted, before going on a rampage and massacring as many humans as he could. It made Gendou sick to think he himself had participated in the formation of child soldiers such as that maniac teenager.

He was dragged for about ten minutes, having to endure the occasional kick and punch the guards so happily delivered to his humanity and the mocking laughter coming from the other cells. He was introduced into a room and forced to sit down. The guards then proceeded to cuff his one useful hand to the chair before grabbing a fistful of his hair and smashing his head against the table. Soon after the commotion died down, the guards exited the room except for five who remained at the door just in case he decided to pull something off.

After recovering his senses from the blow, Gendou noticed he was in some kind of a meeting hall, the table he had just saluted with his forehead was rather largo, enough to fit about twenty politicians. A conference hall, how pathetically predicable.

Gendou resisted the urge to count the seconds before the door opened and ever so predictably a group of well suited and pretentious me barged into the conference hall, infesting the large area with the stench of fine perfume and bullshit. Gendou offered no reaction whatsoever, the man simply continued to sit, his face impassive and devoid of any expression, his eyes, now without their glasses, glared cold and hard ahead. Oh yes, this would do just about fine, he knew each and every one of the individual that entered the room, and they in term knew him quite well. The General of the Japanese Army himself was present for the festivities. He could also distinguish the Japanese chancellor, Nakamura Iwatzu; the German ambassador Hans Stein, the Russian ambassador and chancellor Alfred Muraviov and Fedor Streikovsky, the United States ambassador David Coghan, the Swiss ambassador Patrick Hünberg, undoubtly to pretend there was a neutral party in the charade they called a meeting, and two men he could only assume were representatives of the CIA. Also, there were about five or seven prosecutors accompanying them, most definitely to record and collect any and all statements that could be used against him.

Some of the most influential human beings in the planet were on that table, all of them summoned to properly extradite him to the International Court. The former Commander didn't know weather to snort in disgust or feel flattered. All of this, just for him?

The men took their respective seats, exchanging brief, curt words among each other before proceeding to stare at him with grim acceptance.

"Commander, since we hail from different parts of the world, it would be in everyone's best interest if we carry out this procedure in English. Do you agree with such terms?"

"I do." Answered Gendou in fluent English. "Gentlemen, I assure you these are not necessary." pointed out Gendou, referring to the cuffs holding his right hand. "There are six guards inside this room, and I only have one hand, so the prospect of me doing something rash is rather absurd."

"Absurd, huh?" Countered the Russian ambassador, a thick accent noticeable in his voice. He was a hard man, quite large and quite physically strong as was expected from a former Special Forces member, always wearing a frown and a displeased expression on his face. "Absurd like the idea of you murdering a Russian soldier in your cell no more than 20 minutes ago?" The man slammed his fist on the table, glaring hatred into Gendou's cold expression.

"If I recall correctly, I murdered an assassin hired by SEELE to kill me. It did strike me as strange that someone could so easily infiltrate one of Japan's most secure prisons, but I had no notion of your personal involvement in such an activity, ambassador." Smirking when he noticed the Russian snort and again take his seat, Gendou fell into silence. The outburst generated whispers and exchanged fearful glances among the politicians, yet when it started to escalate the Swiss ambassador cleared his throat and addressed Gendou in a neutral, controlled tone.

"Gendou Ikari, for the crimes you have committed against mankind, you are now to be extradited to the Netherlands, where you will be prosecuted and sentenced, do you understand this?"

"Yes and no." Hünberg raised an eyebrow, somewhat annoyed at Ikari's sarcastic response.

"What, exactly, do you not understand?"

"Oh, I understand, gentlemen. Your countries wish to wash their hands of their personal participation in the process that led to Third Impact. In order to do so, you need a scapegoat. I am sorry to inform you, however, that I will not be that scapegoat."

"What are you playing at, Ikari? You are no longer Commander, and NERV is under the direct control of the United Nations, so don't go pretending you're hot shit, you crazy motherfucker!" barked the America ambassador. Americans, always the ones to jump first into the water. Gendou fought hard not to smirk this time; God, it was like fishing with dynamite.

"Mister Coghan, always the one to voice out your opinion, no? Tell me, sir, did you speak with the same passion when you personally approved the funds to be sent to SEELE for the construction of the EVA Series, knowing fully well what their purpose was?"

"So you plan to blackmail us, Ikari? You have no evidence whatsoever." The German ambassador voiced out his opinion, quickly growing tired of the confidence Ikari seemed to exude.

"Oh, but I beg to differ, gentlemen. General Kiwamoto, you yourself ordered and approved the budget and troops that attacked NERV and killed hundreds of innocent workers, you made personal deals with Lorenz Keel for performance enhancement drugs you gave to your soldiers. Also, let us not forget that the attack on NERV headquarters was an assault perpetrated, planned and strategized by SEELE, not that any of that stopped you. You willingly participated in the murder of the Second Child."

Before any of them could so much as utter a word, the Commander continued.

"Mister Muraviov, you have personally recruited more than 300 orphans from all over the world for SEELE's "Child Soldier" program, many of them from your own country; moreover, you have made personal deals with many of the worlds' most despicable men, selling Russian firearms, gunships and even jets to international drug lords and despotic dictators. The Russian government itself was one of the top investors in the Instrumentality project, outmatched of course only by the United States, the biggest contributor. It is also presumed that the former Russian chancellor, Udre Kalashnikov, was and still is one of the main members of SEELE."

"That's enough!" shouted the General, outraged. "We will not be blackmailed by the likes of you! As a member of the Japanese Army I have the jurisdiction of executing you on sight for high treason!" Nakamura, who sat beside the Genera kept his silence, preferring to observe Ikari instead.

"The American is right! We will not bullied into submission!" Muraviov looked just about ready to take a gun himself and blow Gendou's head off on the spot, but he managed to control his senses.

"I'm afraid I'm not done, gentlemen." Gendou remained impassive, unresponsive to the narrowing eyes of everyone in the room. The German ambassador appeared to be at a boiling point since his face achieved the most remarkable red color he had seen since returning from the Red Sea, so he decided to attack.

"Herr Stein, SEELE had it's origin in Germany and for many years their conferences took place in Düsseldorf _with _the German Government's consent. Many of Keel's businesses generated great profit for your government, Keel himself was a personal acquaintance of the German Prime MInister, and I could continue for hours and hours, I could give these respectable prosecutors enough material to write a book, but that is not why we're here at all, is it mister Nakamura?"

The older, smaller man adjusted his glasses, turning to stare stiffly at him before clearing his throat. He, apart from the prosecutors and CIA agents, had been the ones to not so much as utter a word, they simply waited for the environment to be the proper one to intervene.

"Ikari is right. We are not here to prosecute him, he has vital information and experience we require in order to proceed against SEELE." The CIA agent spoke in a completely cold, authoritative tone of voice. The man beside him nodded grimly, turning to the aggravated politicians.

"Gentlemen, it is imperative, for your security and the security of your careers that you agree in postponing Ikari's trial until after SEELE is disbanded. For the time of being, we require his assistance."

"This is absurd! You're telling me we're going to let this genocidal maniac loose and put him in a power position again? He's directly responsible for Third Impact, hell, he would have triggered it himself!" the Russian ambassador exploded over the CIA agents.

"Measures have been taken. His moves will be monitored at all times, he will have a 24 hour surveillance with permission to execute him should he attempt anything suspicious. Also, all of his personal files and knowledge will be shared with the United Nations and the proper intelligence agencies."

The room exploded in chaos, every ambassador and chancellor screamed at the agents and prosecutors, demanding blood, justice and revenge. For minutes the heated discussion continued, soon each member yelled and insulted in their own language, demanding to be heard but succeeding only in creating a massive chaos in the chamber, the Swiss ambassador himself started yelling at Stein from the other side of the room. It escalated to a point where the guards readied their weapons in order to restore peace and quiet in the conference hall.

Nakamura saw his opportunity to intervene when the other members of the council sat down and attempted to relax. He was a patient man, someone who had dealt with Ikari before, but more importantly, he had been one of the few who had sensed something strange and suspicious about the Angel Wars. He was a man of principle, so the very sight of Ikari made him sick to stomach; however, he was aware of Ikari's importance in the war against SEELE.

"Ikari will be placed in a position of Commander Advisor, with the jurisdiction of a Sub-Commander, for the duration of the hunt and apprehension of the SEELE criminals. After his usefulness has run its curse, he will be properly prosecuted and sentenced, although, depending on his commitment to this mission his sentence may be diminished. If he so much as tries something out of the ordinary, though, as the gentleman remarked, he will be shot on sight."

Nakamura adjusted his glasses once again, organized his documents and calmly stood, excusing himself, taking a respectful bow and leaving. The Prosecutors finished their notes, directed glares towards the ambassadors and chancellors, closed their books and also retreated. Soon the politicians and Ikari were alone in the room with the prison guards and the CIA agents. A thick silence reigned over the conference hall, the remaining members of the council felt, for once, completely powerless. Ikari had them exactly where he wanted them, the material he possessed on their past, less than honorable actions could forever destroy their careers and send them to prison for a very long time.

"Gentlemen," said the now Advisor, addressing the other men with indifference. "I am quite certain we can come to an arrangement, there is absolutely no need for any of us to get upset. There is also no need for this information to find its way to the press."

The Russian representative uttered a few selected insults in his native language before proudly and forcefully lifting himself from the table. "I will not participate in this charade." With that, along with the Russian chancellor, who had also kept his silence, the larger man left the room, slamming the door on his way out.

One by one the men left, once or twice did they address him in any way, but it was mostly to insult or degrade him, so he paid it no mind. Soon enough he was left alone with the CIA agents and the prison guards. One of the agents received some orders in his earpiece, proceeding to ask or demand the guards to leave them alone. After unplugging the cameras in the room, both men took their seats, seating facing Ikari. Both men retrieved their handguns from their coats and placed them on the table, and after adjusting his dark glasses, one of the agents spoke.

"I trust you have already been debriefed by our agent." Observing as Gendou nodded, the man continued.

"As you well understand, this is a very delicate operation. SEELE has informants in almost every part of the world. This is the first time the CIA and the SVR (Russian Foreign Intelligence Agency) have joined their efforts in the hunt of these men, and of course you understand your expertise is required. We must warn you, however, that this will not, under any circumstances, make up for your former actions. You _will _be prosecuted. For the time of being, you will be placed in a designated living location within the confines of NERV; a party of twelve agents will follow you wherever you go, both to ensure your safety and our own. You must understand, should you do something suspicious, you will be shot. In the head." The agent cleared his throat, and receiving some information through his earpiece and nodding, he retrieved his handgun and stood from his chair.

Both agents then proceeded to leave, taking their weapons and arranging their vests. They nodded to each other, and as the now Advisor predicted, one of them took out a set of keys and uncuffed him. Both men took a last glance at Ikari before opening the door.

"You will be taken to your living quarters in fourteen hours, given that we will need to clear the small incident in your prison cell. Now remember Ikari, we will have you monitored at all times, so instead of plotting the end of the world, perhaps you should pursue a better relationship with your son, maybe put your personal affairs in order during the next ten days. I hear he's been in the hospital for a month, the poor boy, some sort of domestic violence case or whatnot." The last comment seemed to break through Ikari's cold demeanor, earning the agent a heated glare to which he responded with a cold, ruthless smile.

The door closed, and again Gendou was left alone. Outside, he could hear the guards argue with the CIA agents as they informed the poor bastards they had to let him go, which would most likely earn him a few kicks, but his mid was occupied elsewhere. His brain tried to comprehend how the boy could have been involved in a domestic violence case that left him in the hospital. Katsuragi had most definitely returned and she was a poor suspect to such an occurrence. The Second Child entered his mind, but he remembered she had been murdered before Third Impact even began; she had been the blood sacrifice to the Black Moon Ritual and as such had no possibility of return. The core of her Evangelion had been torn off, the entire thing had been ripped to shreds for fuck's sake, there was no possible way she was alive, unless…

For the entire duration of his trip back to his cell, being dragged forcefully through the large halls of the prison and accompanied of course by the random insults and hits, a single though went through his head.

_Unless Shinji himself brought her back… _

_

* * *

_

Touji ran as fast as his legs carried him, trying in vain to clear his mind of the gruesome information he had just received. He'd behaved understanding and compassionate with Shinji because they were good friends, besides, the boy had saved him in more ways that he could think of; but he couldn't bring himself to face Shinji right now.

Feeling the air leave his lungs and quite certain he was no longer in the Medical Ward, Touji slid through the wall, having the mental image of Shinji's words imprinted on his brain. He kept thinking over and over; _What if that was my sister? What would've I done if that was Mari? What would've I done? What if that had been my little sister? What if that had been Hikari? What then?_

The boy stared at the ground, seeking solace in his own reflection which stared at him without any response or solution. It was always easier to judge someone than to put yourself in their place, after all. Being informed of Shinji's actions prior to Third Impact had radically changed his view of everything, he had always believed Shinji had somehow averted the worst part of Third Impact, but from he had gathered, the boy had done nothing but sitting around as Asuka herself held the fort. He had also always known Asuka had lost that final battle, but to know Shinji had done nothing, had given up on everything and simply chosen to die along with everybody else, it was difficult. He stayed there for a while, looking at his reflection on the clear floors of NERV.

For about a minute Touji sat in total silence and caution, scared that any sudden movements would make him think too much or stumble across the wrong train of though, so he remained still, controlling his breathing and feeling somehow out of place in the whole situation; as if it was some sort of out of body experience.

A hand on his shoulder shook Touji out of his musings, making him turn his head and stare at the same expression he had been looking at for the past minute. Kensuke gazed at him with a sad, unknowing look on his face. He sat down next his friend, keeping the hand steadily on Touji's shoulder.

"Touji… what are we gonna do?" Touji sighed, turning his eyes yet again to the floor. For once since they had known each other, he had no answer for his spectacled friend.

"I don't know, man…" Both of them sighed again, staring at the ground and waiting for it to give them an answer. How would they address Shinji now? Should the topic even be discussed again? Should they behave as if the conversation had never taken place? What should they do about Asuka? Should they tell Hikari as well, or was it not their place to do so?

"I don't know…"

* * *

The room was quiet, the silence upset only by the hurried typing of the person sitting in front of him. Yet another meeting, God, he was already regretting having agreed to work with the good guys for a change, everything was so boring, so slow, so amateur that sometimes he felt like sending it all to hell and doing everything by himself, but alas, he could not.

Dmitri drummed his fingers impatiently, the blast of Motorhead's "We Bring the Shake" doing very little to soothe his impatience. The boy despised being troubled during his work, he despised it almost as much as he despised the smug son of a bitch smoking a cigarette two seats away from him. That relaxed, casual way in which the stinking addict addressed himself made Dmitri want to take his knife and push it all the way through the other man's skull. Cigarettes, what a fucking giveaway in their line of work.

"Hurry up with this bullshit before I get agitated and people start dropping dead." Said the upset teenager, taking his earphones off.

"Patience, young Mister Krupnov, now we don't want to impose our hosts, do we?" The smug bastard was already digging his own fucking grave, he just didn't know it yet. Dmitri growled a selected insult in his native language, turning to the agent standing in the middle of the room with impatience clearly written in his face.

"Look, fuckface, I don't really have the time to be sitting around and chatting the weather with you idiots, so just let me drop my report so I can get back to work. SEELE thinks I'm spying on the children, so I have to at least keep the character. And you," growled the boy, staring straight into the bastard's face and trying not to puke from the disgusting smell of his cancer-stick. "If you don't want to have that pony tail wrapped around your neck you better keep the smart-ass comments to yourself. We don't want to have an accident, do we?"

"Enough." Said the agent facing them. The figure behind the big chair, who worked in four different mainframes at the same time, never bothered to turn around. "Agent Krupnov, your report."

Dmitri stood from his chair, retrieving a small disk from a pocket in his vest and delivering it to the man facing him. The boy smiled sadistically at him, daring the agent to say the wrong thing.

"So, Walter. How are the wife and kids? I hear your little girl's about to start kindergarten, yes? Tell me, does your wife still walk the family dog from 10 to 11 am, or has she changed her schedule? Be sure to let me know."

The agent resisted the urge to draw his weapon and empty the damn thing all over the brat's face as Dmitri patted him on the shoulder quite forcefully, but he knew that killing the child would bring no good to them mission, so instead he chose to rip the disk off the boy's hand, glaring at him from under the dark glasses. The tension between them both was almost palpable, as it was to be expected, agents never got along with other agents, after all.

"Yeah, keep barking, CIA dog. Why don't you go fetch your president a Ding-Dong, huh?" The man huffed at him before heading toward the terminal in which the figure worked non-stop, not even stopping the typing to check the disk. The man inserted the disk into one of the mainframes, downloading the information. As soon as his eyes started reading the documents, the fine glasses almost fell off.

"Last known residence, cash flow and expenses for the last five months, troop locations, last documented photographs, personal acquaintances, bank account numbers, pseudonyms, safe-houses… How the hell did you find all this information?" Dmitri laughed, slowly making his way to the exit.

"That's for me to know and for you to wander, CIA dog. All you intelligence agencies seem to lack the first word all the time, so it's up for adolescent boys like me to your all the work for you. Oh, one more thing, you are all a bunch of amateurs, we're hunting men with enough money to hide from all of you, but there's a fun fact, from the 13 members of the council, only seven of them returned, so you might want to stop trying to find Keel, he's been dead for a long time."

The boy retreated, leaving the agent muttering curses to himself, not before heading over to the smoker's seat and kicking him right on the mouth, successfully extinguishing the cigarette, cutting the man's cheek and burning his eyes with the hot, still lit ashes of his cancer stick.

"That shit kills, you know." His task completed, Dmitri smiled and left the warehouse, leaving the agent, the person on the chair and the man on the ground completely alone. Said man slowly picked himself up, checking his mouth for any broken teeth or any fractured bones and pressing a finger against the cut the boy's boot had left on his face. Boy, that brat could kick, moreover, that brat was better at his job than he had been during his entire career, ad the boy was not even a legal adult yet. Talk about a blow to the ego.

"Pretentious little fucker, isn't he? We caught him once, the bastard. Managed to get close to the stand in some Governor's speech two years ago and blew the poor bastard's head off. Can you believe it? And publicly at that, right in the noses of the Secret Service. Fifteen years old and already a fucking hitman, and if it hadn't been because his superior was a real idiot, we wouldn't have caught him at all."

"So what did you do with him?" asked the man, taking a package of Marlboro out of his pocket and lighting yet another cigarette.

"Tortured him for hours, days even, but the boy didn't budge. I tell you, that crazy fuck is the toughest brat I´ve ever seen. Five days and not a word. On the sixth, he managed to get the chains off and unlock his cell with a piece of handcuff, killed seven guards and escaped. Then, he tracked down the guys that captured him and killed them; one by one." The agent took off his glasses, cleaning them with his vest and staring at the screen, which now showed the information regarding the Children.

"He's one of the only people to ever escape from us, and he was fucking fifteen. That brat can't be negotiated with, you can't threaten him into submission, you can't control him with physical pain, you can't intimidate or cut a deal with him. The only language he understands is violence, and the only options you have with a beast like that is to either let it loose or kill it."

The ponytailed man whistled in amazement, taking a long draw and blowing smoke through his nostrils. If the CIA was willing to work with one of SEELE's former Child Soldiers, that meant they were really getting desperate; which also led to the conclusion that SEELE was still very strong and influential. The Old Men had always pulled the strings from the dark, after all, so no longer being a secret society and instead having been branded as a terrorist organization made little difference to them.

"Well," said Kaji, walking closer to the screen and observing the photographs that showed the Second Child while he finished his cigarette. Not even Third Impact and the opportunity to come back to life had managed to take the little addiction from him, but such things came to be trivial as he watched the pictures of his former charge and former lover, sitting in their apartment and eating dinner. They were alive, alive and well.

"I guess we may want to be careful around him, then. Now, let's get to work, shall we? Those old men aren't going to hunt themselves." Kaji threw the burnt out filter to the ground, excusing himself with a bow and heading for the exit.

The person on the chair never stopped typing or working, not so much as bothered to turn around during the entire duration of the meeting, the typing, planning, reading and analyzing simply continued nonstop, there was too much to do, too much to prepare for in very little time, too many people to command. The figure did not bother to turn around as both agents left, but when the screens were occupied by the picture of Ikari Shinji lying in bed, with bandages and tubes all over his body, the typing stopped, and the person's ocean blue eyes filled with tears.

* * *

Misato and Shinji arrived at their apartment building on the afternoon, the sun had started to set and the evening breeze made itself noticeable to the young boy, who wore a blue T-shirt and a pair of jeans whose origin he was yet to discover since he had no memory of buying them at any moment. For all the by knew, his wardrobe still consisted on white shirt, some pairs of black pants and a pink T-shirt with some shorts for the hot days, but the outfit he wore was rather classy, the clothes felt new, comfortable and looked quite expensive, so he decided to ask Misato about it later.

The trip to their apartment was a tad slow since Shinji could only move at a certain pace without stretching his healing muscles; they took the elevator, both in comfortable silence, and headed for home. The closer he got to the front door, the more nervous he felt. This would be the first time to set foot in their house since the …incident, so Shinji honestly had no idea how they were supposed to behave around each other anymore. Misato had cleared much of her time so she could spend time with them (and keep a watchful eye on Asuka), but the woman had spent so much time out of home both before and after Third Impact that Shinji had no idea of how go back to the routine he had somehow gotten used to for the past five months.

Misato seemed oblivious to it, but she noticed the boy's hesitance as he walked, he avoided any eye contact, kept his eyes firmly set on the ground as was not strange of him, but his head was hunched a bit further, he tried prolonging every step as much as possible, pretending to grab his side or hiss in fake pain at moments in a vain attempt to escape from his perceivable future. The entire time he had spent in the hospital Shinji had wanted nothing more than to return home, but now; when the only thing left to do was give a few more steps he somehow wished he could have stayed in that sterile, boring room for two or three more days.

The closer they got to the door, the slower Shinji seemed to walk, it shamed him to behave so cowardly in front of Misato, but he was too unsure, the entire situation felt alien, strange. How many times had he returned from the hospital and came back to the same exhausting, painful routine that had once before destroyed their relationship?

He felt Misato's hand on his shoulder, and looking up Shinji saw her smiling down at him.

"Its okay, Shinji-kun," said his guardian kindly. "Take as long as you need." Somehow, that simple act of random kindness and support gave him the strength to lift his head and head for the door, this time at a normal pace. Before he realized it, the door was already sliding open.

"We're home!" Announced Misato as loudly as she could, making Shinji flinch as he slowly took off his shoes.

"Welcome home!" Shouted Asuka with equal strength, waving from the kitchen with the apron still firmly tied to her frame, her hair looked a tad disheveled, some errand strands of red clang to her sweaty forehead as she retrieved the lasagna from the oven, filling the house with the incredible aroma of home-made pasta. The scent assaulted Shinji head first, making his stomach inform him that yet again it had been neglected, and that repercussions would be swift and painful should he not obey and taste whatever food produced such scent.

As the door hissed closed behind him and Misato walked up to the living room to unceremoniously drop her humanity on the couch, Shinji finally turned his eyes towards the kitchen/dining/living room, catching a glimpse of the redhead as she finished her preparations and set the lasagna on the table. He stood there, mesmerized by the mere act of Asuka cooking, admiring as she masterfully prepared the table for everyone to eat, just like he had done so many times before. Misato turned on the TV. Somewhere outsides the cicadas sang in a familiar choir as they flew away. All sounds Shinji had come to get used to.

He stayed by the door, somehow unable to move, or unwilling. He wanted to make that small moment last forever, that simple act of coming home, of feeling the familiarity of his environment. Asuka had not sent so much as a glance at his way, she seemed to preoccupied with making the arrangements for their meal, which he had under no circumstances expected. After the last dish had been set on the table, the sweating redhead mustered up enough courage to stare at Shinji, noticing the faraway, dreamy expression on his face. It was still too hard to turn her gaze to him, whenever she laid eyes on his face, the image of Shinji throwing up blood manifested itself, but the girl paid it no mind. The great Sohryu Asuka Langley would not let her dinner be spoiled. She smiled at him, albeit a tad shyly, thinking of something to say, something of substance, but the only words that came to mind were the ones she had used for him; just for him, for what felt like an eternity.

"Hi, Baka-Shinji." As soon as the words left her mouth it felt as though a barrier of glass that seemed to separate them not two seconds before broke and shattered magnificently.

"Hi, Asuka." They stared at one another, not really knowing what came next, unsure of how to proceed, but for the time of being they found themselves satisfied with sharing the few strands of normality they still had left. The balance broke of course as Misato announced her hunger, demanding she be fed right away. Soon enough the older woman was sitting on the head of the table, picking up the strange eating utensil known as fork and carefully examining the small metal trident as if it were some sort of weapon.

"It's a fork Misato. You know, to eat. Use the spiky end to pick up your food and then put it in your mouth."

Shinji finally moved from the entrance, walking towards the dining table and occupying his usual spot, the one Asuka had been staring at for the past month. Asuka took her own seat in front of him while Misato headed the table, and soon enough the food started being consumed. No other words were spoken throughout the meal, the simple greatness of the lasagna kept them occupied, the only comments emitted were Shinji and Misato's praise at Asuka's cuisine, which the girl shook off with her usual attitude, an attitude everyone in the house had missed.

"Umm… this is incredible, Asuka!"

The girl chuckled at Shinji's enthusiasm, swallowing a mouthful of pasta and lifting an eyebrow at him.

"Well of course it's delicious. I made it after all, so what did you expect?"

"Honestly," said Misato, a random piece of molten cheese clinging from the tip of her mouth. "I thought you were gonna burn the house down in one of your little experiments. She's been learning how to cook all month, you know Shinji-kun. I'm telling you, if you think _my _food was bad you should've tasted her first try at soup. I didn't even know you could burn soup."

Asuka's cheeks reddened in embarrassment, making her glare at her guardian with her old passion. "You're the one to talk, remember that curry you wanted to bring him last week? I still think that thing should be thrown with the radioactive waste."

Misato stuck out her tongue between bites, choosing to focus on her meal than to loose an already lost battle. Shinji chuckled lightly at her comment, but a random spurt of laughter made him stretch his muscles in the wrong way, making him hiss in pain and grab his side. Misato dropped her fork, focusing entirely on him.

"Are you okay, Shinji? Do you need to go to the hospital?" Worry etched all over her face, she was ready to bolt out the door and take him to an infirmary at any moment's notice. Shinji seemed rather taken back by her reaction, staring at her strangely, as if the mere thought of going back to the hospital was anything but absurd.

"N-no, Misato-san, not at all. I'm fine, see? Just a little too much laughter, I guess." The boy looked at her apologetically before once again turning his attention to the meal. It came as a surprise o Misato when the boy not only was the first to finish his plate, but also the first to have seconds. It was clear that Shinji was quite hungry.

Too focused on devouring the feast on the table, both Misato missed Asuka's reaction to Shinji's pain. The girl stopped eating as soon as she heard Shinji hiss, lowering her head and trying to control the surge of shame and guilt that a simple sound managed to bleed into her chest. She stared at her plate, wondering if the calm, relaxed atmosphere they currently enjoyed was a simple fallacy, a vain attempt from all of them to pretend civility and care, so she lowered her head, averting her clear cerulean eyes from the other two occupants of the table and trying to make herself as unnoticeable as possible. It felt so strange to wish to disappear, being someone who had for so long craved for everyone's undivided attention. She played with her food, somehow having lost her appetite altogether, letting her long hair cover her eyes and hoping neither of them noticed it, but not avail.

Shinji looked up at her questioningly, becoming aware of Asuka's resilience towards the food. He also noticed the dropped shoulders, the effort to try to avoid any eye contact, the random playing with the food, he noticed it all but was at a loss of what to do. His uncertainty lasted less than ten seconds, for me discovered a way to help her without the need to even talk to her, so he simply nudged her left hand with his own. When she addressed startled cerulean orbs at him, Shinji simply smiled.

Asuka smiled in return and just like that, the feeling of shame dissipated from her stomach, allowing her to continue her meal. She had to give herself credit after all, the lasagna was delicious, and wasting such a fine meal made by her expert hands would most definitely be a waste.

Soon enough the three of them finished their meal, as soon as she was done Misato excused herself and headed for bed right away, not before addressing a warning glance at Asuka to let her know should anything happen then the consequences were not going to b nice. Gong to bed so early was something rather strange for the older woman, who normally spent up to two or three in the morning working, Asuka herself was rather surprised by the early goodnight call from her guardian but didn't pay too much mind to it, she figured Misato had taken the rest of the day off and was planning on compensating many sleepless nights for the past months.

They were left alone in the dining room, the dining room that looked so much like the one n their old apartment, where they had kissed. Where they had suffered, unable to find each other in the dark. Where Shinji had begged for her help and strangled her when she refused.

Shinji calmly gathered the dishes as Asuka put the surviving lasagna in the freezer, minding to cover it first with some aluminum paper. Shinji carried the plates and glasses in three or four short trips, minding to not carry too much weight. As soon as he was done organizing them in the sink he went into autopilot and started washing them, the feeling of the cold water on his hands was strangely comforting, he had always felt at home when doing any housework, it felt nice to care for your home.

Asuka looked over to the sink, frowning when she noticed Shinji washing the dishes. The boy was not suppose to do anything but rest! She stormed over to where he was, wearing the disapproving frown on her face. The boy was oblivious to her approach; he simply kept washing with a small smile on his face until Asuka's face was inches from his own. Being so close to him, she could not help but notice that even when he was far off in his own little world of household duties, Shinji looked sad. He always looked sad.

"Shinji."

When he felt her breathing on his neck he turned, only to nearly jump out of his skin. "Ahh! A-Asuka, is something wrong?" Asked the boy, staring at her in obvious fear. Shinji recoiled from the sink as if he had been ordered to and pressed his back against the fridge as a familiar feeling of hysteria and fear overcame his senses and drove his brain into autopilot. He knew he would get punished, but he had hoped for at least a week or so more to recover. Giving in to his fate, he closed his eyes and waited for the blow to come.

Asuka watched his reaction, her frown somehow deepening. She looked at the ground, feeling dejected and angry towards both herself and Shinji. "You're not supposed to be doing the dishes, dummy. You need to rest." She clenched her fist for a second, then turned to the sink and rinsed the plate Shinji had been washing.

Surprised at her comment, Shinji opened his eyes find his roommate washing the dishes. He felt ridiculous and silly, standing there waiting for a punch and felt even worse when he glanced at Asuka's frown. He fidgeted a little, thinking of the right words to utter.

"Umm… sorry... Old habits die hard, I guess." It was a sincere apology; he felt it as much as she did, one of the first sincere apologies he had given, so Asuka's frown turned into a half-smile.

"You're an idiot. The doctors told you to rest, and that's exactly what you're gonna be doing so you can get better real fast. Don't think I'm going to keep doing everything around here forever." She gave him a mock-frown, sticking out her tongue before returning to her task. Shinji smiled as well, scratching his head embarrassment. Indeed, he had been instructed to rest for at least another two weeks before he could do any kind of stressing physical activity.

"Never crossed my mind." Asuka rolled her eyes at him, signaling the conversation had turned boring for her standards as thus would be terminated.

"Go to your room and get some rest already, will ya? I'll finish this up." Shinji felt somewhat flattered at the simple gesture, that he remembered, this was the first time that Asuka offered to do something for him. He didn't want to ruin Asuka's mood, so he complied and headed for his room, the place that for so long had been his sanctuary of solitude and pain, not before expressing his gratitude towards the redheaded goddess washing the dishes.

"Thank you." Asuka smiled from beneath her bangs, but remained still, nodding to him only instead. She most definitely did not want Shinji to notice she was blushing.

"Sure, sure, don't get used to it, though. I told you, I still find all of these… duties to be below my superior skill, so hurry up and get better." She heard him chuckle from behind, followed by the sound of his door sliding open and then closing. She finally released the breath she had been holding all day long, her shoulders relaxed dramatically as the cold water ran down her hands. She had done it. She had managed to control her temper; she had managed to behave somewhat civilly towards him for once.

After she was done with the dishes, Asuka decided to give the boy some time to himself prior to introducing him to her special creation, so for the time of being Asuka sat on the couch and turned on the TV, deciding to wait for exactly 45 minutes before unraveling her masterpiece. Timing was, after all, everything.

* * *

Shinji sat on his bed, staring at the familiar ceiling for the first time in a month. Everything in the room appeared to be immaculate, every inch of his small domain had been thoroughly cleaned and rinsed, it even smelled good, like lemon or something citric. He stared, boringly wondering if somehow the ceiling would provide miraculous inspiration and solve his life in a heartbeat. As always, the ceiling offered no answers or any form of fantastic enlightenment, neither did the song he listened on his SDAT, as always. He felt good, relaxed, at home and more content than he had in years; and yet the feeling of detachment, of hollowness lingered in his full stomach, making it difficult for him to digest the delicious meal he had just been subjected to.

What was he supposed to do, now that he could not escape to his little private safe haven? How to escape the terrible memories, the crushing guilt and horrible actions that plagued him day in and day out? Perhaps his current state was yet another resourceful tactic of Karma to punish him for his sins, or perhaps it was his final opportunity to grow and face his own self, no matter how terrifying the idea was. He could feel it, coiling in his subconscious, waiting impatiently for him to return to the land of dreams so he could be tortured; but it made little difference to him. There was little the beast had not already use against him, so there was really no use in trying to run away.

Shinji's eyes snapped open. That was it. He had been running away this whole time. Cleaning the house, feeling hollow, letting himself be beaten and crushed by Asuka, they were all small escapes, possible routes for him to choose from so his actions would not haunt him so much. Being abused by Asuka was the easiest way to run away, it had always been his most reliable escape, because whenever Asuka insulted him, or spat on him, or kicked him there was a feeling of righteousness. He had effectively managed to design the perfect escape, the perfect, permanent road to take so he could feel as though he was paying for his past actions, when in reality all he had accomplished was to make the girl he loved suffer that much more due to his uselessness. Letting her unleash her anger in such a violent way, being a comfort toy whenever her own loneliness became too sour and cold to bear and wordlessly preparing and making everything for her was no help to her pain, it had never been. It was just another excuse he had devised to make himself feel better. God, he was so _fucking_ tired of running away.

A random click announced cassette's end, but Shinji didn't bother to change it or even remove the small plastic phones from his ears. No running away. That phrase, it simply sounded so much better than "_I mustn't run away." _No running away, period, no matter what. Perhaps, had he devised that simple phrase in his brain before, he could have saved Asuka and the world, preventing Third Impact. He had allowed it to happen, in his hands had bee the final decision, in his hands had been laid the lives and dreams of every living person, only for him to crush them and forever stain his palms with their blood. But no more, no more running from his actions, no more excuses, no more _fucking _Bakelite, no more paper walls, o more cries in the middle of the night, and most definitely no more hiding behind the music, or the hollowness or even his own guilt.

The dull feeling of glass shards moving along his chest reminded Shinji it was time fr his nightly pain-pill. He was glad the pills were rather light, there was no worse feeling in the world than being doped up on painkillers, it just reminded him too much of the feeling inside Instrumentality, that hollow, synthetic happiness he had come to be disgusted with. He noticed a bag with his medicine sitting by his nightstand, how that bag had even found its way to his room was yet another mystery for the boy, but again, he was not going to complain. Quickly chugging away the pill with a glass of water he had no memory of filling or even placing on his nightstand Shinji tried stretching his arms, but was assaulted by a dull sting on his ribs.

"Ugh, not yet, huh?"

After a slow and cautious change into some loose shorts, the boy laid back on the soft mattress, letting his muscles release all the tension of a month's worth of missing his own bed, waiting for the pill to work its magic on his dull ache. He was a tad sleepy and very tired, but not tired enough to go to sleep just yet. He was generally afraid of falling asleep, knowing fully well what endless horrors awaited for him in the deepest, darkest parts of his subconscious, but Shinji had already discovered running away from his memories was as pointless as pretending to comb a snake, not only was it a waste of time since the snake has no hair, but also the snake would constantly turn to bite him. He would confront that thing in his brain that night; he would no longer be robbed of his sleep by that beast. It was better than running away and being afraid all the time.

"Heh, that's easy enough to say…" whispered the boy to himself, hoping to somehow be prepared for whatever torture his mind was to bestow upon him. It did not scare him as much as before, though, knowing Misato was there and accessible made him feel much safer, plus, he had been given some very strong sleeping pills should things take a turn for the worse, but he had decided to keep those pills hidden and use them only as a last resort. He sat there, staring at the ceiling in a rare state of inner tranquility for about half an hour. The pain on his side all but disappeared, but the bandages itched a little and they bothered him under the clothes. The light was off; he had always preferred to think in the dark than under some artificial light.

A faint knock on his door brought Shinji back to reality, making him turn his head to the entrance of his small domain.

"Come in." croaked the boy, his voice strained as a resilient yawn made itself known. Shinji expected Misato to come through the door, but was taken back when Asuka strode into his room carrying a plate with two spoons on it. The room was dark except for the light shining through the door, so it was impossible for him to identify the meal, what he did identify with disgusting accuracy was the numbing fear that having Asuka in his room brought him. _It shouldn't be like this, _thought the boy to himself while trying to control his nerves. He took a deep breath as the girl knelt down and sat on the edge of his bed.

"H-Hey, Asuka." said the boy, swallowing nervously. From the short distance he managed to distinguish the rather large serving of chocolate cake sitting on the plate.

"Hey, Baka. I… I wanted to talk to you for a bit. Here, I made this for you." She handed him the sweet treat, hoping with all her heart the nervousness she could feel from him would dissipate. He took the plate and picked one of the spoons hesitantly, turning to stare at her in amazement and something else she was unable to recognize.

"You made this… for me?" Shinji stared back and forth from the cake to Asuka's face, which she effectively concealed behind her crimson bangs.

"Yeah," muttered the girl quietly, blushing yet again and staring at her hands."Listen, I don't want you to misunderstand. This is not like those other times when I bought you stuff to try to apologize without saying so… I, I guess it was like an excuse to make myself feel better, you know? Anyway, how is it?"

The boy blinked, taken aback yet again. He recovered and took a healthy spoonful of chocolate cake, diving into it at once. When Shinji closed his eyes and tasted the full flavors of every ingredient in the magnificent creation. Every part of the cake was homemade, prepared thoroughly. He was flabbergasted, left speechless for several seconds until Asuka turned a quizzical eyebrow at him. Shinji had to blink again to remember he had been asked a question, so swallowing the delicious treat he voiced out his honest opinion.

"I don't know that much about cakes, but this is the best I've ever had." Asuka smiled, satisfied, and picked up the other spoon, getting herself a bite as well.

"Mmm, you know, I think you're right for once, this is awesome." The conversation was interrupted for as long as there stood cake on the plate, which turned out to be less than two minutes. The taste was so irresistible that both teens gulped down the large slice in seconds. Soon they were both greedily extracting every last drop of flavor from the spoons, both sporting identically satisfied expressions.

Asuka, however, sobered up after a moment and laid the spoon on the clean plate, where Shinji still struggled to get the last remains of homemade dressing. He looked relaxed, even content when eating. She knew Shinji loved things that were made with time, care and effort, since he himself loved to cook fine meals.

"I… I really didn't mean it, Shinji." Shinji stopped in his endeavor to glace questioningly at Asuka, who again chose to take interest in her own hands. "I didn't mean for things to escalate so far, I… sometimes it just…. It's hard to control myself, I just get so angry and… and I'm so used to lashing out at you that… I just black out and when I realize what I just did it… it's already too late because it's something terrible and I want to apologize but I can't… I can't because I'm afraid you won't forgive me and leave. I…I was so scared, Shinji."

She looked at him at last, feeling a couple of burning tears escape her eyes. "You were just lying there, you weren't even breathing…. There was so much blood on the floor and I just kept thinking _`you killed him, you finally went too far you stupid, crazy bitch´, _I was so scared I didn't stop shaking for three hours, I was so afraid you'd die… and all this time I kept feeling like that, like I went too far, then I found out this how you felt, how _I _made you feel."

Shinji's eyes were wide, his mouth slightly agape as he listened, unable to utter any word of comfort for her. His eyes, however wide, never left her own.

"I'm sorry, I am. I said it to you before, but I didn't understand then, I just felt like shit and needed something to make me feel less like a crazy freak, but this time I mean it, Shinji. I can't promise you I won't yell, or that I'll stop being a bitch… that's all I know how to be, I can't help it if I'm so insufferable, but… but I won't hurt you like that ever again, that I can promise." She smiled at him between the stray tear that fell every now and then. It no longer felt weird to cry in front of him.

Shinji smiled back, and once again the right words found their way to his mouth.

"I like who you are." Asuka lifted an unbelieving eyebrow at him, resisting the urge to giggle.

"You have a fucked-up taste, Ikari." Answered the girl snidely, smirking at him playfully.

"True, but I'm nuts, remember? I think it's kind of fitting I like crazy people better." Somewhere inside the house the phone rang, but neither paid much mind to it, instead, in a rare spurt of random confidence or subconscious suicidal desire, Shinji took hold of Asuka's hand. It seemed like the fitting action, the right thing to do given the circumstances. They both felt more at peace when in each other's company, empathy was but a small part of the bond that seemed to strengthen with each passing day, a bond that had kept Asuka from leaving to Germany at the first chance she had, the same bond that had kept Shinji from killing himself so many times before.

So they lay there, in comfortable silence, enjoying the light contact of their intertwined fingers. For now, it was more than enough. The ringing stopped inside the house, followed by the incoherent howls of complaint coming from their guardian's chambers, but they remained oblivious to it, feeling safe and at home in that small room of that small apartment in what was soon to be New Tokyo 3. They felt content, for once.

* * *

Misato stared unbelievingly at the phone, as if it was the instrument's responsibility that thee information she had just received was so shocking. Of all the people she hoped would return from the Sea of Goo, the woman had never once thought she'd see Rei again. She had been thoroughly convinced of such fact when she had laid eyes upon the severed head of a smirking giant Rei, but now Section Two had just informed her the girl had been spotted in a vegetarian diner and brought back to HQ, where she was being debriefed and had been placed in a comfortable room to sleep in for the night.

She kept staring at the phone as a smile gradually drew over her face. Shinji would be so happy! She quietly and masterfully slid through the apartment, peeking into Shinji's open door. She found both of her charges sitting beside each other, sleeping and holding hands. Asuka, ever so perceptive, heard her footsteps and cracked an eye open to glare at the intruder with passion. Misato herself made the universal "I'm watching you" sign and went back to her room, leaving the youths to their devices and teenage hormones, knowing very well Asuka would not dare do anything improper.

She chose to tell Shinji in the morning, good news could wait, after all.

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**Inspirational Music: This Is The Place, Venice Qeen-**Red Hot Chilli Peppers**; Solitude, Planet Caravan-**Black Sabbath**; Whereever I May Roam, For Whom The Bell Tolls-**Metallica**; I'm The Man, We Bring The Shake, Liar-**Mötorhead**; Sanvean, I Can See Now-**Dead Can Dance.**

AN: Well, I sincerely hope you enjoyed this chappy! Pretty long, huh? Consider it my apology for keeping you waiting for all this time, I decided to lay off the heavy angst on this chappy, just abit here and there, but fear not, next chapter shall be darker, better, longer and more terrifying! Just kidding, but it will be a bit darker. Well, be sure to let me know how you're liking the story so far, remember, Reviews=Writing Power! Read and review! Thank you very much!

PEACE


	12. Chapter 12

AN: YES! Another one! Miracles do happen! Sorry for the wait people, but this is my senior year so you'll understand if college takes another level of pain-in-the-assness, but there it is! I hope you like it, I put a lot of effort into this chappy, so enjoy!

**Scar Tissue**

Chapter Twelve. Eleventh Act: Wither**  
**

Jealousy.

It is a strange sensation, is it not? The burning in one's stomach, the head feels so light yet so heavy, one wishes to disappear at the same time that one wishes to be a giant, a revolting sensation of the cold flame that hatred is ignites in one's soul, extending like a wildfire throughout a dried up field. There is little this sentiment will not force one to do, little that can stand in the way of such an emotion. So powerful, so poisonous, so addictive.

It is the belief of many cultures that the soul resides not in the heart nor within one's mind, but in the stomach. So, does one's soul wither in pain when jealousy turns your abdomen into a hellish tangle of knots and hollow pulls? Is the soul hurt by such a feeling? Does it later wither and die in a slow process as jealousy turns into hatred? I have seen the capacity of hatred, I have witnessed the lives of thousands and lived many myself, in search for the on thing hatred had kept untainted, the one thing it cannot touch, if there even is something hatred is not able to destroy. I have found… troubling answers that will require further study, but for now, the essential outcome of this process is that the search has been fruitful, however tedious and unexpected the results were.

Logic. My mind has always been logical. Always, it was the way I was raised. Ever since I can remember emotions were shown to me as something to fear, to suppress under any and all circumstances. My purpose offered no opportunity, no space for such unnecessary matters, they would only interfere. I lived my life according to the lines and regulations given to me, never I felt the necessity to explore those areas of the human experience denied to me because I never saw myself as a human, not even as a singular person. I wished only to return to the nothingness from which I was born.

My birth and conception were the only significant aspects of my existence; I lived my life as a tool waiting to be used, waiting for its purpose to be fulfilled to then be able to fade into nothing. Nothingness possessed no pain, no joy, simply never-ending darkness. I wished to return into nothing, I did. For as long as I can remember, death was always my dream. I had accepted my fate, my purpose, managing to detach myself from what I later learned to be the very meaning of life. I was told I was replaceable, my existence as a sentient being or as a human made little difference, since my very purpose was o die and bring forth the final act of Complementation. For as long as I can remember, Akagi has told me I am expendable, a statement I believed for my entire life, up until a few months before the End. Up until a few months before I stopped taking the pills Akagi had shoved down my throat for more than a decade.

The only person who was ever somewhat kind to me was the Commander; he remained distant nonetheless as to not compromise my purpose. I loved him, for so long I had been so completely detached from emotion that I could not discern or recognize it then, but I did. He was like a father to me, he cared for my safety, to him I was not replaceable, or at least that was what he led me to believe. However important his presence was in my life, I remained isolated from everything else, isolated from all those near me. Coldness, darkness and loneliness were my constant companions.

Then he came to my life. He came, and offered his kindness without any reason or reward. For once in my entire existence another human being reached out to me, somebody attempted to break through the barrier of numbness that for so long had been constructed around my humanity. He made me question my choice in solitude, somehow comforting my cold, lonely soul for the first time. I still have problems understanding why he so carelessly offers his kindness to every person he meets, why he so effortlessly manages to put himself in harm's way for the sake of others, but such is his personality. Little by little, he became a constant in my life; he became as important to me as the Commander. I have only experienced genuine concern and affection from him, in those small but thoughtful acts of kindness he so easily addressed my way. Small smiles, bento boxes, comforting and meaningless chatter walking through Headquarters, it all seemed so alien and unnecessary for me, but I soon came to cherish and treasure those moments.

Shinji. I never called him by his name, just like he never called me by mine. However close we got to each other, there was a wall that we never managed to tear down, a strange wall of formality that haunted our every interaction and restrained our bond. His presence arose feeling in me that never before had been present, feelings that later confused my very sense of being and existing. I have always known of my origins, that fact was never hidden from me, but only after Third Impact did I realize that my human DNA had been extracted from Ikari Yui, Shinji's mother. The world had to end for me to understand that it was normal for me to love my brother. I was never able to grasp the simple fact that he cared for me.

But she did. She knew he cared for her; it was painfully obvious to everyone, even to me. It sickened me, the way she so easily approached and interacted with him, the way she so easily managed to ridicule him in front of the entire class without any regard for his own feelings, it made me want to smash my fist on her smug little sarcastic smile, it made me want to have her confidence, her strength, but back then, I did not understand thee necessity to protect Shinji that arose in me every time she insulted him. I simply stared and detached myself from the entire situation, wondering only about my next assignment. One of my greatest talents, to my utmost shame, is to simply let disasters occur as I watch.

I knew jealousy while watching them both walk home every day. Together. Every day, she had the gift of his presence, his quiet but constant caring made her life better, more normal, more _human_, but she was unable to appreciate his small tokens of love. Instead, she took it upon herself to make Shinji's existence miserable; she yelled and laughed at him all the way to their apartment building. She was accompanied, she no longer needed to suffer her pain by herself, all that girl ever had to do was share her grief with him and he would have opened his arms and embraced her forever. I know very well that he has loved her since the first time he laid eyes on her, and it does not bother me in the slightest. What I cannot stand is her pride, her foolish sentiment for which my brother has suffered greatly.

The Second was too proud to recognize she adored him just as much he adored her, so she deceived herself into believing those feelings to be the exact opposite. So afraid was she to let anyone into her heart that she tried to push Shinji away while at the same time she so desperately struggled to be close to him, a contradiction within a contradiction indeed. In the end both of them were unable to reach out to the other, and soon enough their feelings were corrupted by hatred.

Hatred. I knew hatred while listening to the Second insult Shinji while he was absorbed in Unit 01, only to find her crying in the dressing rooms not ten minutes later. Her duality and childish reactions burned something within me, why could she not be honest with herself? I never felt the need to hide my concern for Shinji, but she seemed unable to even pretend to hate him correctly, or love him correctly for that matter. So engrossed she was in her own failure and shame that not once did Asuka bother to even watch Unit 01 or make herself useful to Shinji's rescue. Pathetic.

She abused him instead, abandoned him in his greatest time of need. I know it, oh yes I do. For a moment I _was_ Lilith, and as Lilith I lived and experienced the lives and pain of all my children. I know every aspect of her and Shinji's life, I understand their traumas, but still I could not understand how hatred had so easily poisoned them both, turning them against each other. I could not understand how hatred had managed to make human beings so cold, so alone and so desperate.

I began my search for the one thing hatred could not taint, the one thing unable to be broken or tarnished by the horrendous sensation that had determined even my own life and death. I lived thousands of lives through many different perspectives, searching for a bond, a life, anything that withstood the tests of time and hate, and for long my search was futile. By sharing Lilith's blood, I was able to see through the created realities of each world, every mind and every soul was open to me, even those who had returned to the world shared a bond with me, I could experience glimpses of their lives in the real world, far away from the endless dream of Instrumentality.

I could feel Shinji's mind decay, I witnessed as he fought to survive alone in the world for far too long, unable to sleep, unable to die or even to exist, simply going by as madness and solitude slowly consumed his mind. He, by himself, had managed to give the Second and everyone else a chance return to the world, but for long humanity neglected his sacrifice. They chose the bland, insipid content of their own personal paradises, but one soul remained restless ever since Shinji abandoned the Sea, and it made me that much sicker to face her duality. I decided to investigate this person, even though I hated the very sight of her, I searched her feelings, her dreams, her worlds. A thousand different world were created for her to live in, a thousand worlds with a single, unchangeable constant. Shinji. He was always in her dreams as was she in turn always in his. My own presence in Shinji's worlds was not as constant as hers.

Soon enough they were both back in reality, both of them struggling to come to terms with everything they had just experienced, but they were not ready. The wounds were still too fresh, their minds had been both closed to the shallow teachings of Instrumentality, so hatred prevailed in their hearts. Shinji could not rid his soul of all the self-hatred that slowly ate away at his sanity, as Asuka did not manage to understand her own was at fault for her confusing emotions towards my brother. Without the veil of Instrumentality, they were consumed.

So I continued my search in hope of finding an answer for my brother, a possibility to give him the happiness he so deserved, but I neglected the Second. Her hatred blinded the child completely, making her unleash all her anger, her fear, her horror and pain on the one person strong enough to take it all and still care for her. Engulfed in a fever of spite, she devoured his already broken heart.

Then it came to me, just as she tarnished the last remains of what lingered of my brother, it came to me. I found my answer, but it was not the one I longed for, it was not the answer for which I had sacrificed my brother's mental and physical health for more than ten excruciating months. As Asuka ran as fast her legs could harry her to the phone, as her hatred dissolved under the weight of her actions, I was able to glance at last at the one thing hatred was not able to tear.

Their bond. No matter what reality I visited, no matter what world I went to, no matter how many times she hurt him and in turn he hurt her back, they remained bonded by an inexplicable force that I later discovered to be destiny. Fate you can change and play with, but destiny? Impossible.

It's not a matter of them being soul mates; it is far simpler than that. They are the same, two different pieces of the same cloth, they are one, and no matter how much the world, their lives, parents and circumstances drive them to hate each other, their bond will always remain the same. They are one.

This does not mean, however, that I will so easily forgive eight months of torture perpetrated upon my brother. Even when I understand they will at some point find endless joy and love together, her actions towards Shinji will not go unpunished. I shall have my revenge.

Because I am Ayanami Rei.

And _nobody_ fucks with my brother.

* * *

Darkness. Once again it surrounded him completely, wherever he turned there was nothing to see, he could not see his own body. Nothingness, not even the ever-frequent stench of a million rotting corpses that for so long plagued his mind. Simple emptiness.

Then, a light shone over him. He could hear it, the steps of the decaying remains of his soul as they made their way to his location, but no fear clung to his heart. No running away, he would stand his ground, withstand any agony, any memory the beast chose to torment him with, no matter how much he screamed and burned and bled, he would not run away. Not from his memories, not from his actions, not from himself. He could feel it just as strongly steadily as Misato's hand been not too long ago, he could feel Asuka's hand on his own, giving him strength, encouraging him to confront his demons. No running away.

Red eyes glister from the darkness, bored crimson meteting frozen blue in a moment but the beast did not manifest itself, neither did it speak. Hidden under the shadows it remained, glancing up and down at him, as if watching him for the first time, not bothering to so much as utter a word as darkness covered their perceivable landscape. He heard the beast clap sarcastically in the darkness.

"**I do believe congratulations are in order." **At his lack of reaction It chuckled, staring boringly at Shinji.

"**What? Aren't you happy that you're not rolling and screaming on the ground right now?"** it spoke, yet its tone lacked the usual poison and absolute hatred that so often were its trademark, it spoke in a cold, controlled tone, as if trying to intimidate him with its indifference. But Shinji did not budge, nor did he bother to respond. Not because he was not able, simply because he did not wish honor such a stupid question with an answer.

"**Finally manning up to all the shit you did, huh? It was about time if you ask me, and I just happen to be you. Pretty fucked up, don't you think? To be able to talk with your own subconscious so freely, but then again you're fucking kuku, so whatever."**

A light shone under the beast, surprising Shinji as he saw its decaying state was not as extreme as it had been before. The skin around it looked much healthier than ever before, the blood around its white shirt had not yet stained the cloth completely and no visible wounds were seen on the beast's chest. Its face, although mangled and scarred, did not seem to be in a rotting process like before. It glared at him, yet not in anger, much more so in annoyance.

"**You just had to take my fun away, huh? I guess you had to grow some fucking balls at one point or the other, it was starting to get ridiculous, I really thought I'd have to start fucking your life up on extra hours. Don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of shit for you to see, it's just not so fun anymore." **

Shinji lifted an unbelieving eyebrow as the beast drew closer to him, not limping or hurling itself across the room, more like slowly and cautiously walking toward his location.

"So, what are you going to do to me today? Third Impact again? Or maybe some of the beatings Asuka gave me, or you could force me to watch all the shit before Third Impact even happened. Well bring it, I can take it, whatever you have to throw at me, I can take it!"

The beast chuckled, glaring at him sadistically, the old hatred returning to its unforgiving red orbs as it came face to face with him. Both glared at one another, Shinji's defiant glare never receding as the beast scrutinized his every expression, smiling all the way.

"**You still don't get it, do you boy? I am you, you imbecile. I am your guilt, I am the representation of all the shit you have pulled throughout your life. If you try to run away from me, I'll haunt you, I'll torture you, I'll make you wish you were never born, I will show you all the horrible things you have done again and again, like I have before; until you can't take it anymore and scream. And I'll enjoy that scream; I will savor it like a fine meal as you squirm about at my feet. I'll fester in your endless despair and laugh indifferently as you slowly loose your mind."**

The beast grasped his throat as it spoke, allowing him to glance at the crimson blood within its eyes. Deep in the orbs of the beast he could see them, he could see billions of innocents dying and burning in an instant, he could see Unit 02 being dismembered, he could see Misato slowly bleeding to death, could hear Asuka fight until her last breath only to have her arm split in two. He, however, did not break eye contact, nor did he redirect his glare. The beast, satisfied with his reaction smiled, releasing his throat as it started walking away.

"**But if you choose to face your actions, if you stop running like a little bitch from all your problems and instead withstand the punishment the world has unleashed on you, then you will earn my respect. Do you what we call that, you pathetic little worm?" **

Shinji shook his head but kept his glare firm on the beast's eyes as it started laughing, walking away from him. It turned its head and stared with a cold gleam in its eyes, and still chuckling lightly, it spoke with Shinji's own voice.

"**We call that self-respect." **

The beast sighed, idly running a hand through its tarnished hair before it addressed a bored glance at the boy who continued to stare at it in defiance. Around them, the darkness mingled and folded onto itself, as if attempting to disperse but not succeeding. From afar, Shinji could hear faint screams of pain and despair, screams he knew only too well. The beast turned its head, sighing as the howls gained volume as the shadows around them leisurely took form and the obscurity itself whimpered in pain.

"**Sadly enough, self-respect can only do so much for PTSD, as you might understand. So sorry about this, but you're going to have to go through it again, boy." **

For the first time since falling asleep, Shinji felt fear climb up his spine and clutch at his chest, but he didn't relent or back away. Resigned to his fate, the boy merely lowered his head, letting the memories of his failure wash through him yet again. The pain was always the same, the wounds were perpetually open and bleeding somewhere deep inside his heart, pulsing with every beat. He turned to glare at the beast one last time, only to be once again surprised when it looked at him with a glimpse of malice in its blood stained orbs.

"**Oh, don't get me wrong, Shinji dear boy. You still have a lot to see and a lot to ponder on while you despair. And oh, you **_**will**_** despair."**

With a parting smile smeared with sadistic intent the light under the beast vanished, leaving Shinji on his own amidst the darkness once again. There, standing in solitude, Shinji waited for what he knew was coming; he waited patiently for his torture to be served. Shadows blurred and took shape, dissipating as the familiar scenery of Tokyo 3 took form. Thunders roared and water fell from the heavens. In the distance, the boy could distinguish the shape of Unit 02, standing with a plasma rifle and it dawned to him that he would relive the attack of the 15th, then the 16th, , then Kaworu, and so on until he reached Third Impact. He went through it all, one more time.

Slowly the seat of his Entry Plug manifested itself around him, and Shinji was forced yet again to listen as the Angel tore away Asuka´s mental defenses and left her a mess of traumas and crushing insecurities. Soon enough he heard her cry for help, he heard her claw away at her own scalp in order to rip the invader off her, but unable to do anything. Just like him, sitting in his Entry plug, completely useless.

_Maybe I was useless then… but it's different now. I can protect her, I will, whenever she needs me to, I will._

The pain of his failure had not yet faded when he felt the world shake as Unit 00 exploded right in front of him. Shinji was certain his entire body jolted in his sleep., for he felt an electric discharge as it was yet again proven that even with the limitless power of Unit 01 at his disposal, he had been more a nuisance than an actual asset. Had it not been for his stupidity and utter uselessness, Rei might have survived.

_But she did survive; at least another clone of her was alive… Maybe she wasn't my Rei, but at least some part of her, in essence, managed to live on through her. _

It continued, relentless and constant, it continued. Faster than he could manage to assimilate them, the flashbacks that always felt too real came one after the other, the dead bodies of so many who would never get a chance to return were shown to him yet again, the horrendous massacre he had allowed to be perpetrated on the innocent workers of the organization that had ruined and corrupted his life. And so they continued, the shrieks and pleas of help silenced by Asuka's scream as the spear went through her eye, the sickening sound of flesh and bone as it was ripped off infested his brain. He felt bile rise up to his throat, but Shinji did not close his eyes. He did not turn away, he did not run away. Eyes wide open, for the first time he _forced_ himself to watch everything he so desperately tried to forget.

Third Impact. He could not help but feel the scream rise inside his chest, the sight he detested above any was again shown to him. The remains of Unit 02, brought by the white monsters he had come to loathe, creating the disgusting spectacle of flesh that had finally managed to drive him mad.

The unrelenting torture carried on. Always the same pattern, always the same bits and pieces, the same hurtful words Asuka spewed at him, the same hits and insults he had gotten used to for the last eight months. Their first week together, the time when they had drifted apart, the time when Asuka had come to terms with everything that happened to her. The time when she woke up screaming every night.

He withstood it all, crying, whimpering and holding on to the feeling on his hand the entire time. The memories whirled and mixed with each other as the night ticked away, slowly but surely breaking through Shinji's defenses. However painful as it was, the boy never tried to escape his pain, it washed through him with gruesome continuity, but Shinji didn't resist it, for once, he accepted the pain, the guilt, the shame and hatred that plagued his soul.

_I hate myself… but if I keep hating myself I'll never be able to love others… I'll hurt the people I care about. For their sake, I have to learn to accept what I've done._

The hazy memories dissolved into nothingness yet again, allowing the boy some much needed rest. The subconscious is, however, most unpredictable. Despite his efforts to better himself, the memories left him with an all-consuming feeling of self-hatred too hard to fender off. This would clearly be yet another restless night. Shinji's insecurities came to full bloom soon after the flashbacks were done. Normally, the memories would feel so real that he'd wake up covered in sweat at some point or the other, but now that the memories had taken their toll, his own doubts and old fears of abandonment slowly took shape. His torture was not yet finished.

_But what if everyone moves on and leaves me alone? What will happen then? What am I going to do when Asuka decides to leave? What am I going to do the day I have to move out from Misato's place? What the fuck am I gonna do with my life? Do I even have a life anymore? Do I even deserve to life a normal life, even after all I've done? _

Slowly the dark haze once again transformed. He saw a dirty apartment, trash and used clothes lay about both on the floor and some of the meager furniture of the room, which consisted in a worn-out couch and a table filled with boxes of instant food and bottles of beer, whisky, vodka, rum and other beverages lay about. He could also distinguish what looked like used and bloodied needles thrown about on the table and the kitchen. The kitchen possessed a gigantic pile of dirty dishes that appeared to have been there for weeks, the paint on the walls was falling off and there was what looked like a small puddle of blood on the corner of the room.

Shinji walked around the living area, watching the decomposing state of the building, glancing at the drawn but half-eaten curtains that allowed receding gleams of sunlight to shine through and somehow illuminate the chamber. There was an old television facing the dried up, ripped couch hosting a brown haired figure, yet it was more than useless. It looked as if someone had thrown one of the bottles at it. The walls themselves presented fist marks on some parts, the windows were broken or so dirty it was impossible to glance through them, there was even some kind of unreadable graffiti on the wall adjacent to the couch. The house looked a bit too much like the apartment he had seen Asuka in when she was wasting away.

Shinji drew a breath, turning to stare at the figure that lay on the old furniture. He saw himself, perhaps 8 to 10 years older. There he was, lying on the couch like a cheap doll, completely wasted. Drool escaped from his parted, dried up lips as he stared at the ceiling with an empty look on his face, the needle still firmly pressed against his bicep. His skin was almost yellow, sickly; around his face and cheeks it was almost gone, making him look gaunt and disgusting. He was wearing the same white T-shirt, only it looked a tad too small for his decaying adult body displaying signs of malnutrition and dehydration. The open buttons allowed him to gaze at the scars on his chest. He counted much more than two.

He stared at what he could become; drinking in the dreadful, hollow eyes that seemed to ogle at him from the mirror every day for the last year. The disgraced version of him twitched, moving his hands about and muttering to himself as tremors started shaking his body. The junky itch let itself known as the older Shinji scratched at random parts of his body.

"Everyone leaves… they leave me… all of them… fucking bastards… fuck'em… fuck'em…"

As suddenly as it came, the motions around his body stopped and he once again turned to stare stoically at the ceiling, sliding away into the couch. Shinji had to resist the urge to scream in disgust as he watched his broken figure convulse and vomit all over the floor, whimpering pathetically before `he´ attempted to stand up. On wobbling feet he rose, falling into the couch two times before managing to obtain some semblance of balance.

There he stood, facing himself. The older version of him locked eyes with the boy, grabbing him by the shoulders as bile dripped from his chin. Eyes glazed, he stared at himself, whose eyes simply looked dead, gone.

"They left me all alone… I drove them away… that's all I know how to do right… fucking wimp… fucking wimp… I couldn't keep her with me… I let her go…. I let her go…" The junkie's knees buckled and there, holding onto his younger version, wailed like a little child.

Shinji felt sick.

The scene dissolved into blackness once again. Shinji felt his stomach drop in fear and revulsion at the image of himself as a poor pathetic drug addict waiting to die of an overdose. That could very well be him in the near future, when everybody abandoned him no one would care weather he fucked himself up with drugs all day long, no one would be there to pick up whatever broken pieces remained of his broken self. He had considered drugs for months after returning, the idea of somehow numbing the pain forever was more than inviting, but his own fear had ultimately won.

Once again the scene changed, he could see the sunset on the horizon, the rays turned into a translucent shade of yellows and oranges while the breeze blew away. He was at a beach, from the distance he managed to distinguish Misato's purple hair as it was rocked about by the wind. Two small children played on the shore at Misato's vigil watch; he could clearly see the small smile drawn on her face. There was a man sitting not too far from her, but the shade of a palm tree didn't let Shinji see the man's face. Misato seemed content, more so than he had ever seen her before. Perhaps this was her future, the key to her happiness was to leave him behind and start a family of her own at last. He felt abandoned, gripped at his own chest when he felt his heart break in anguish, felt like dropping on his knees as it slowly came to his mind that he was an obstacle in everyone's happiness.

_I'm just an obstacle. I take away all of her happiness, all of her hopes and dreams. She could be living her life now, and instead she has to put up with my shit…_

He didn't want to see this anymore, he didn't want those feelings to return. The empty dread of abandonment, the hollow sting of spite and jealousy, the burning sensation of helplessness as life crumbled before him. The very same feelings that consumed him for days as he drifted off in a desolate world. The same feeling that led him to try to choke the life out of Asuka two times.

He had been so concerned for so long, so occupied in trying to run away from his past that Shinji had not once stopped to think about his future. It terrified him, everything about it terrified him. He had told himself countless times that neither Asuka nor Misato deserved to be condemned to his poisonous presence, but Shinji had never stopped to think what it would really mean for them to leave.

"I don't want to watch this anymore… stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! I don't want to think about this! Please!" He could feel his body trashing about in his sleep, but he was unable to wake up.

The scenery changed again, into one he knew very well. His former High School rose from the dark fogs of his memory, the tall building took shape, the concrete walls turning visible under the light bulbs on the ceiling. He found himself in the hallway of his old classroom, the only perceivable difference was the marker on the door, which signaled the "3 A" class. At first, he found himself completely alone on the hallway, yet within moments Shinji felt steps behind and ahead of the corridors, soon he was able to discern the silhouettes of young boys and girls. Before he realized it students materialized and walked about chatting nonsense in what appeared to be the first period.

In the distance he glanced and noticed Asuka's red locks, they had always been so very noticeable to him. No matter how far away she was, he could recognize her specific hair color even in between a crowd of redheads. He walked through the corridors, drawing closer to the girl and trying not to bump with the passing students. She seemed to be only a couple of steps away, but somehow he was unable to reach her, no matter how much he walked.

She had her back pressed against the wall, and from the distance he could admire her pretty face, which showed clear signals of irritation. Her brow was furrowed but not completely, she was drumming her fingers on the uniform's forearm, her foot tapped away impatiently, all signs that she was waiting for someone who had not yet made their appearance. Perhaps she was waiting for him? Inspired by that line of thought, Shinji redoubled his efforts in trying to reach the place by the stairs where she stood, yet the gap between them only appeared to gain distance, the corridor stretched away as we attempted to walk faster, but it was futile.

Suddenly a boy came up from the stairs, someone who was not, under any circumstances, him. The boy looked at least two years older than Asuka herself; he was tall, muscular and good looking, the very definition of a perfect young male. Shinji stopped walking completely when the boy supported his arm on the exact same wall Asuka was leaning on, drawing a smile on the girl's face. Never before had he seen her relax so quickly. He didn't want to be there anymore, he wanted to leave. There was an awful feeling twirling around in his guts as he saw the boy come closer and press his lips on Asuka's own. He felt many things at the sight of that scene, most of which simply rendered him motionless. When he managed to send the message to his body, it seemed to ignore him, forcing Shinji to stare wide-eyed at the scene before him. He could not even close his lids to keep himself from watching as they embraced one another in what Misato had taught him to be an "adult's kiss".

For once in a very long time, Shinji felt jealousy. Along with it came the boiling fires of anger and hatred. He could not explain it, but he felt the need to break those two apart, smash that pretty boy's face into the very concrete wall they were leaning on and knock every one of his teeth in. His hands clenched and unclenched in a hurried manner, he felt the need to grab Asuka by the throat and squeeze. Squeeze with all his might until she moved no more, squeeze his hatred away into the slender skin of her trachea. Squeeze the abandonment away. At the same time he felt like Unit 01 had just punched him in the stomach, everything about what he was seeing made him feel sick.

But why? Asuka had every right to choose whoever she wanted to be with, did it not make sense that she found a boyfriend of her own, a boy worthy of her, and live her life? He loved her, but why did that image made him want to slam his own face into a wall? Why could he not move? Why was the scenery changing to a bedroom where sounds he knew only too well deafened his ears? Why was he feeling so sick?

"Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop, it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it…."

He clawed away at his own scalp, trying in vain to concentrate on the pain instead of the sounds that seemed to go through the walls and straight into his brain. He wanted to jab something, anything into his ears so the sound would go away. The bed materialized right in front of him, and from out of nowhere the beast grabbed his body in one arm and clawed at his face with the other, forcing his head to the bed's direction.

"**What's wrong, Shinji, dear boy? Did you not say you were through running away? I want you to look at this, I want you to learn how to fucking **_**enjoy **_**those sounds, because in a few months, maybe a couple of years, Asuka's finally going to put her life on track and forget all about you, you sickening little toad." **

It whispered to him as the sounds of flesh hitting flesh grew louder and louder inside his brain. Shinji struggled to break free of the monster's clutches, but its arms were too strong and he was still too weak. He could feel the air itself leave his lungs when Asuka's golden mane was presented to him. Her moans of pure, unbidden pleasure threatened to drive him mad as she moved along with her lover, who lay under her on the bed, his face hidden by shadows. The more he tried to ignore them, the deeper the moans and the sickening "flap, flap" dove into his head, but he could not cover his ears. He could not break free of the monster's hold.

"No… no, don't show this to me. Stop it, damn you… I don't want to see this, stop it, STOP IT! Leave me alone, god damn you!"

The beast's hold tightened around his body and face, he could feel its rancid breath as it drew its face much closer to his.

"**Where's all that bravado you had just now, huh? Are you afraid little Asuka's gonna abandon poor little you? Don't you remember, Shinji? She **_**hates **_**you. No matter what she says, you know this, you know it very well. So why does this bother you so much, huh?" **

He wanted to get away, he wanted to run and hide under some hole where he could rot away in peace. Anything was better than having to suffer that torture anymore. The beast, however, had different plans. IT held his face firmly in place as Asuka reached her climax and collapsed on top of her lover, whose face, now visible to him, vaguely resembled Kaji's. It forced him to contemplate Asuka's happy expression as she regained her strength and rose from the bed. She looked so radiant, so completely content and so devoid of any pain or trauma. Even her scars were harder to notice.

"**Can it be that you **_**love**_** her? You poor, poor bastard. You can't even love yourself, you pathetic excuse of a human being. How in the fuck are going to love her, huh? How are you, the world's most sickening mass murderer, going to provide her with the love and support she needs so she can heal, when you can't even fucking **_**suffer**_** correctly? Face it, Shinji. You will never be happy with her, because you simply cannot make **_**anyone **_**happy. You can never love anyone unless you love yourself, and you hate yourself so very very much, don't you?" **

He wanted to scream so badly. _No more, _he thought pleadingly as tears rolled down his cheeks and his knees buckled underneath him. The beasts allowed him to collapse on the floor, he whimpered pathetically as the pain overcame his senses, the hollowness inside his chest consumed the meager dreams Shinji had of a future together with redheaded goddess he had fallen in love with. The sounds carried on.

Soon he was in a vortex of memories and possible futures of his own creation, all of them negative, all of them leading to the same conclusion. Asuka would leave him, Misato would leave him. In the end, solitude was the ultimate punishment for the ultimate sinner. The beast drew a final rancid breath, grabbing him by the face and forcing Shinji to stare into its deep crimson orbs.

"**Your fate is to rot alone in some sewer where you won't bother anyone ever again. You know this, boy, so why do you insist on running away to some safe little dream world where everybody's content? You don't deserve it, Shinji. You don't deserve to be happy…" **

It whispered the last phrase, releasing his face and allowing the sounds, the fictional worlds without him and the horrible memories that already plagued his mind to consume him completely. It laughed, yet again he was at its feet, his sanity dangling away from a thread, but the beast did not relent. It would continue to hunt him as long as he ran away from the truth, from his truth. Ikari Shinji was a monster, and monsters die alone. Monsters don't live happily ever afters. Useless, pathetic little boys like him were of no use to a society as broken and confused as his.

He sank deeper into despair, fruitlessly trying to scream, to escape from the visions, from his own corrupted imagination that never seemed to lack some sort of weapon to hurl at him. The memories, the dreams, the horrid images of him being left completely alone and abandoned, just like before Third Impact, when everything had gone to hell. Deeper and deeper he fell, begging the beast, begging himself to please have some peace. He needed to wake up. Shinji tried in a vain attempt to smash a fist into his healing chest so the physical pain would render him off the nightmare, but something took a firm hold of his arm. He could not move.

"Stop it… please… stop it, stop it, stop i-

* * *

"SHINJI! WAKE UP!"

As if the spell that had captured him broke off in an instant, the world, or more specifically, Asuka's worried face came to view sooner than he could ready himself for it. He reacted like anyone who had just been woken from a nightmare, jerking and trying to move away for a second before it sank into his mind that the dream was over and he was in fact awake. Her voice had finally managed to bring him out of his personal hell.

This had not been a good night for Asuka herself. As they drifted off to sleep in sitting positions, both youngsters had slid onto the bed throughout the night, and while Shinji had somehow managed to find a comfortable position while lying sideways on his bed, she had been subjected to having her head in an awkward position against the wall, making her neck hurt like hell, and as if that was not uncomfortable enough she had fallen asleep resting on her right arm, which was still a tad numb. Her physical pain, however, was inconsequential compared to the horrors her subconscious had been showing her. Eight months of torture perpetrated upon Shinji, eight months of misguided anger and despair had bled into her resting mind ever since falling asleep, but Shinji's moving about had blessedly awoken her before she herself had woken up screaming. Sometimes, not even each other's presence seemed able to draw them away from their pain.

Shinji had been moving too much, so much so that Asuka had been forced to embrace him as he trashed about on the bed. She saw the way he gripped at the bed sheets, as if trying to choke someone to death. Saw as he pleaded for it to please, please stop. Held him as he trashed about, muttering incoherent nonsense into her hair. Held him when he almost smashed a fist against his own chest, his eyes twitched open from time to time, but he was not there, simply not there. She begged him to wake up, soothed him as jerked his head about, trying to escape from whatever horrors he was seeing. In the end, she held his face and yelled at him with all her might, which finally managed to fully open his eyes.

The boy jolted, hurting his side and hissing for a moment. After about twenty seconds of spacing out, he came back to his senses, noticing Asuka had been talking to him the entire time. There was still a dull ache on his ribs and he was having a bit of a hard time to breath, but it soon passed as well.

"..-kay? Does your side hurt? Do you want me to call Misato?" Her face looked uncharacteristically concerned, even in his stupefied condition Shinji could see how sincere her unease was. For that single second, he was able to glance at the Asuka that lay hidden underneath all that anger. He was about to let hay her worries to rest when his door was violently thrown open and a disheveled and alert Misato turned on the light.

"What? What! Asuka, what did you do!" Misato didn't think twice, she grabbed the girl by the arm and was about to hurl her off Shinji's bed before his frozen glare petrified her. She had to freeze in place, Shinji had all but risen from his bed and had her other hand on a grip so tight she could almost feel his fingers digging into her very bones. His eyes were wide and furious, like a wolf's glare when it protected its mate.

"She didn't do anything. Let. Her. Go." She released Asuka's arm as if the girl's bare skin had burned her hand. The three of them awkwardly stared at anything but each other after the small incident, all of them too embarrassed to say anything. Misato cleared her throat, massaging her arm and silently wondering how was it that Shinji could go from one extreme to the other in seconds, when pushed in the wrong way. Something during Instrumentality had changed him greatly, that was for sure. Even so, after releasing her arm he looked down, blushing in shame at his sudden bravado of emotion. Be it as it may, he was still Shinji.

He was extremely protective of those close to him, almost obsessively so. As she watched as both teens rummaged about on Shinji's bed, trying to find a position where they were not directly touching each other, Misato remembered the times in the UN shacks. Shinji absolutely refused to eat or let them eat anything that was not prepared by him. It had been no secret that many of the returnees had harassed the boy and threatened him to hurt both her and Asuka to get to him, so he had secretly protected them both. He prepared every single meal for them, even when it meant to wake up before the sun rose to go find something to eat, even when it had cost him more beatings, both from the returnees and from Asuka herself. Her Shinji was an odd one indeed.

"So…umm… not to be a buzz-kill and all that, but you just woke me up with your little stunt, so why don't you both stop fidgeting about and spill the beans? What happened?"

Asuka finally exploded, her short temper had been barely restrained up until that point, but Misato's comment and accusatory conduct pushed her beyond limit.

"He was having a fucking nightmare, Misato! He was shaking and almost hit himself in the chest! What the hell was I supposed to do, drop a bucket of cold water on him? For fuck's sake!"

Shinji nodded empathically, glaring at her for her intromission and quick judgment. The older woman blinked at them both, feeling out of place. It was like those two had teamed up against her… She had honestly not suspected that scenario, which certainly made the Sub-Commander feel guilty about her quick judgment of Asuka. Shinji cleared his throat, idly running a nervous hand through his neck.

"Umm… sorry, it's my fault, but I'm fine. I was kinda having a very bad nightmare, so Asuka woke me up," He paused for a moment, staring at the enraged girl straight into her cerulean orbs. "Thank you." Asuka's cheeks too turned scarlet. She avoided his eyes, not really knowing how to respond.

"You keep saying that… But what was I supposed to do? You woke me up first, you know." Shinji scratched his cheek absently, feeling embarrassed at the redhead's accusation, even when it lacked any accusatory tone at all. Misato's train of thought, however, was a tad darker. Her eyes narrowed a bit at the redhead, but soon enough her suspicion was laid to rest when she noticed honest concern in Asuka's expression. _Two months ago, _thought the purpled haired Sub-Commander bitterly as both teens blushed and acted sappy and fluffy, _you wouldn't have woken him up. You would've let him suffer and laughed._

It was weird, even to Misato, to believe Asuka saw Shinji as an equal, but she did, and that was why she'd always had such high expectations from him. The girl seemed to thrive in putting herself in a level above others, be it intellectually, physically or in any other field she managed to exceed at. Watching as she addressed Shinji now, Misato felt somewhat satisfied. It was as though the true Asuka, from whom they had only caught small, brief glances before was slowly coming out of the surface. Maybe they could go back to the healthy teasing in a few days, perhaps even eat somewhere together. As a family.

Feeling out of place and more than a tad sleepy, Misato released a yawn, heading for the door. "Okay, kids. Sorry for barging in like that, I guess. And Asuka," both young women stared at one another, fuming blue glaring into regretful brown. "I'm really sorry for reacting like that; I'll try to… be less judgmental next time, kay?" She left the "I have every right to think the worst" part unsaid, believing it to be unnecessary as the redhead's glare receded and she opted to stare at the bed sheets instead.

"Whatever…" answered Asuka finally. Misato paid no mind to her attitude and headed for the door, turning off the light once again. As exited the room, Misato bid her children goodnight, quietly sliding the door closed. Once again engulfed in semi-total darkness, neither teen knew what to do next. A quick glance at the small alarm clock on Shinji's bed stand indicated it was barely 2.20 am, which left a long time to keep on sleeping. Asuka supposed that she'd have to go to her room, but the very idea of sleeping alone terrified her. Now that she had tasted the comfort and reliance that Shinji's presence awoke in her, she was hooked to it. He too, was addicted to her presence. Somewhere along the line, the notions of sharing their sleeping space had become something normal between them as some sort of non-spoken agreement. Neither ever brought it up, they never even spoke to each other. In a way, it was another road to take when running away. But mindless comfort was now insufficient.

Shinji slowly slid back into the thin mattress, placing his head on the pillow and extending his left arm in an unspoken invitation to his redheaded roommate, who still stoically stared at the bed sheets. She was unsure of what to do, unsure if she should get up and flee to her own chamber or if she should take Shinji's offer and simply lay back down and try to sleep next to him. This was… the first time he was inviting her to share his warmth. He wasn't asking her to stay with him because he was scared of falling asleep, he was asking her to stay because he liked being with her. She didn't have to think twice, so Asuka simply sent her own doubts to hell and placed her head on Shinji's shoulder and minding his healing ribs, she covered them both with a thin blanket. The boy, however, made no motion to find a more comfortable position or even put his arm around her, still obviously unsure of how much he could touch her.

She couldn't blame him for it, so resisting the urge to slap him silly for being so completely _slow, _Asuka huffed in exasperation, grabbing his arm and encircling it around her own waist. She made a satisfied sound when Shinji's arm relaxed as it rested on the low on her back. She felt warmth flutter inside her chest, the intoxicating new sensation she was quickly becoming addicted to. Shinji, for his part, wanted nothing more than to assure himself that the monster's words were untrue. He desperately needed to believe that at the very least, Asuka didn't hate him as much as she used to. When she took a hold of his arm and placed it on her own tired frame, he felt safe again. Untouchable by the monster's lies, unreachable to his own doubts.

Both found themselves sighing away the stress, sinking deeper into the mattress as mutual body heat kept them warm. It was comfortable indeed, but they still didn't _feel _comfortable. The atmosphere around the room felt strained, as if something needed desperate clarification or there was something they absolutely had to talk about, but neither was inclined to break the subtle silence around Shinji's chamber. Neither looked at the other. Shinji had his head turned to the side, his eyes lay solidly on his small desk, while Asuka simply stared at the boy's blue shirt, the one she had gotten for him two days before for his triumphant return. She had many questions, and felt the moment to be adequate for some of them as they shared their mutual comfort.

"Shinji," began the redhead quietly, "what were you dreaming about?" She felt the boy stiffen at her question, his left arm went rigid and his hand curled the fabric of her shirt for a moment. Asuka glanced at his face, noticing his eyes were caught on the ceiling; his expression was guarded, as if he didn't know what to do next. She had never asked him a personal question like that before, so perhaps it was time for the old Sohryu Asuka Langley to convince the hardhead she called Baka on a regular basis to open up in the only way she knew how.

"How about this, Baka-Shinji? You tell me what you were dreaming about, and I'll answer any question you got for me, anything at all, sound good?" Asuka playful stare made Shinji chuckle lightly, wondering how much he should reveal to her. He, however, made the mistake of ignoring and not taking seriously the great Sohryu Asuka Langley. So she pinched him.

"Oww!" Complained the boy when Asuka pinched him on the forearm.

"That's what you get for ignoring me, jerkface. Now, about my offer…" Shinji blinked, quickly remembering the girl's request. On one hand, this could be yet another of her games, perhaps the "good girl act" was finally over and his punishment was soon to be delivered; on the other side… this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. He cleared his throat, trying to muster up the courage to remember the horrid images of his nightmares.

"It's…" the boy started, still gazing at his familiar ceiling. "Memories. All the things I didn't want to remember ever since I came out of that Sea. Third Impact, the Angels, the EVA Series, you…dying. Everything that happened, every little thing, I remember it whenever I fall asleep…" Shinji swallowed, trying not to flinch as the memories slowly bled into his brain. Asuka did not seek his eyes, she simply snuggled a bit closer to him, silently encouraging him to continue. This she could do, it was like a deal, she didn't feel her pride or her defenses tower up, because he was letting his down as well.

"Third Impact, the Angels, the first weeks after I came back, you name it. It's never in any particular order, the memories kinda like mix with each other. There's this… thing that keeps showing me the things I don't want to see, every time it's something different, something I did or something done to me, it's like someone throws your guilt straight at your face…"

Asuka pondered on the information for a moment, dreading the question she was about to ask. "Do you… have nightmares about what I've…done?" Shinji's eyes widened, hi breathing accelerated a bit as well, so obviously the answer was yes, he in fact had nightmares about the horrible things she had done. She fought the surge of bitterness that cursed through her, or the sudden need to push Shinji away from her that came with the hot anger inside her chest.

Shinji felt the redhead's whole body stiffen at his reaction, making fear creep up his spine and wonder weather he should respond, yet the option of not answering altogether was equal to once again cowering under his own fears. "Sometimes…" whispered the boy finally.

An uncomfortable silence befell them, making Shinji wish he had kept his mouth shut. He dared not glance at the resting lioness lying on his shoulder for fear of upsetting her, yet in the midst of his own fear Shinji wondered how he could possibly feel so afraid and at the same time so addicted to Asuka's presence, not even the clutching terror simple contact produced in him was strong enough to drive him away from her.

Asuka too kept her silence for a while; she chewed her lip pensively, wondering if Shinji's pleas had been caused by a memory of her. "You still haven't told me what you were dreaming about tonight, you know." Said the girl finally, feeling Shinji's heart rate increase at her question.

"I… are you sure you want to hear this? I'm kinda tired, and I'm sure you are t-"

"Don't you fucking dare, Ikari. Don't back away. Remember, if you answer this for me, truthfully, then I'll answer any question you have, but you have to be honest right now." She glared ferociously at him, making him almost jump. She regretted her harsh choice of words, however, when she felt Shinji's entire body stiffen in response to her anger. She could even feel his eyes nearly bulging out in fear.

Again, Asuka resisted the urge to cry, hit and simultaneously hug the idiot at the same time. It made her so angry, the way he reacted to her every time she got upset. It was always the same ever since he was admitted into that fucking hospital, she couldn't even get a little angry because he'd act like an absolute _coward and shake like a leaf, or he'll just be staring into space like a little doll or cowering away in some shitty corner, scared to death for his own little ass, just like when he let me die, just like when he sat there and let me get eaten alive, he's going to back out like a little girl, poor little Invincible Shinji can't even fucking look me in the eye and say just what the fuck he was dreaming about, I can take it, I know what I've done and I don't need anyone's pity, much less the pity of this little pretensions fucker, I should just beat the living shit out of him, make him squirm in pain, the bastard, the fucking bastar-_

"Tonight, it was… all of it. I… all of it… all at once… It all mingled together, then I even started seeing all of these things… like… like visions…I dreamt I was a junkie, rotting in some run down apartment… alone… just doing drugs and waiting to die."

Asuka's train of thought crashed at once. She noticed her hand was clutching Shinji's shirt with passion, her nails were almost digging into her own palm, even through the thin material of his shirt. Even so, he was telling her, talking to her. Her own train of thought scared the redhead, she had come threateningly close to loosing control again, and that was something she did not want ever again. She never wanted to see Shinji on the floor, bleeding to death ever again.

Shinji didn't reveal the rest of his nightmare, he didn't want to sound more pathetic than he already did, and what could be more pathetic than _Ì was dreaming everyone left me alone and that you were kissing some other guy´_? The boy was content with the fact that Asuka had not yet reacted violently, but the fierce grip she still had on his shirt was starting to unnerve him.

"Umm… so…yeah…" uttered the boy awkwardly at her silence. Asuka blinked, suddenly remembering he had successfully answered her question. He hadn't made up some bullshit excuse nor had he looked to the other side of the room. He had willingly lowered down his defenses and had shared a piece of his soul with her, with the girl who had beaten him to an inch of his life, the girl who had used him as a comfort toy. She had to blink again when she felt Shinji's fingers lightly poke her back, but when she moved to look at him questioningly he turned away, blushing deep scarlet.

"So-Sorry…! I thought you were asleep!" yelped Shinji, flustered by having been caught staring. He had gotten lost gazing at Asuka's crimson bangs, he had gotten lost in the fact that Asuka, _Asuka_ was willingly sharing his bed, she was holding onto him just like in the hospital, when she had saved him from going insane.

"Mmhm, you're so jumpy. Relax already, will you? I'm too tired to knock you over the head for having perverted thoughts, anyway." She heard him huff in annoyance, a sound he rarely emitted, even when she managed to get under his skin.

"I-I wasn´t thinking that!" his voice even thundered a little through the room, and for a second Asuka felt she had crossed the line, but turning to look at the boy in question she saw he was simply blushing and trying to frown, an endeavor in which he failed most spectacularly. "I wasn't!"

"Shhhh! What the hell is your problem? Do you want that crazy woman to barge in here again?" Whispered the girl back, pinching Shinji on the stomach.

"Ow!" Another pinch to the shallow ridges of his abdomen, this time harder.

"Shhhhhh!"

"Ow…" Asuka huffed in annoyance, lifting herself momentarily from what was quickly becoming her favorite place and glared at him with passion. He flinched, but to her utmost surprise Shinji didn't turn his head, he stared right back at her. He didn't feel threatened; she could see it in his eyes. The redhead's expression immediately softened, and satisfied, she placed her head back on its place.

"So… don't you have anything you want to ask _me_?" Shinji blinked, quickly remembering their agreement. Now he faced a problem even bigger than upsetting Asuka, he needed to ask one question, _one, _that could help him understand the puzzle within a contradiction that was Sohryou Asuka Langley. He mulled it over, he had a no holds barren question, just one, but if it was the right one…

"Any day now, ex-Third…" muttered the girl impatiently, drumming her fingers on his stomach. Shinji gulped, forcing his tired brain to work faster in order to come up with a solid, profound question, but he honestly had no idea of what to ask. He already knew about her mother, her childhood, her traumas, the deep emotional scars she bore out of a life with nothing better to expect than to be crammed up inside an Entry Plug, so what to ask?

Suddenly remembering a German recipe he had learned over two months ago, it came to him.

"What do you honestly think of my food? Is it really just _edible_?" Shinji had simple yet nearly unreachable goals in life. One of them was to someday render Asuka speechless; he wanted to catch her by complete and utter surprise at least once, a goal he had accomplished at last. Another was to finally know exactly what Asuka thought of him, sincerely, without any pride or mental barriers or childhood traumas, just the truth. She was one of the only few whose concept of him was important. This question, finally, had managed to achieve both goals. Shinji couldn't help but smile at his own genius, a good idea coming from him was most rare, so he would enjoy the moment.

Asuka, for her part, was in fact still speechless. _That _was his question? He had a chance to ask anything about any topic and he wanted to know that?For a while she kept her silence, emitting a thoughtful `mmm´, it took her a couple of seconds to decipher why he would want to know something like that, but it suddenly clicked in her gifted brain. She had never given him a compliment, not so much as a "thanks for the meal" for as long as they had known each other. She couldn't blame him for waning to know after all she had done, after all the plates she had smashed on the floor.

"Well?" asked the boy snidely, "is the great Sohryu Asuka Langley gonna answer my question or should I just assume my food's nothing but avera-Owww!" Shinji felt the girl's nails dig deep into the skin on his belly once again. Asuka huffed before she released her victim, glaring at him from under her bangs. Even so, Shinji chuckled at her silence.

"Yeah, yeah; really funny, smartass. Okay, I'll answer your stupid question…" She sighed, remembering the vast amount of dishes Shinji had learned to make in the past six months, even with the lack of ingredients they had suffered for three of them; he had even learned how to prepare some German recipes. Comfort food, food to feed not only the body but the soul, food to make one feel at home; such was his specialty.

"You… always know what to cook to make us feel better. You think I didn't notice but… but I did. All the effort you put into your food, you used to stare at us back then, when the Angels were still coming, I remember how you'd always look at me to try to figure out what I thought about it, but I always yelled at you for staring, so I guess I never told you how much I like it…" Shinji's breath caught in his throat, his eyes widened and his arm unconsciously drew Asuka closer to him. The girl was too surprised by Shinji's sudden boldness, but she didn't mind. Being closer only meant listening to his heartbeat a bit louder, and she was perfectly content with that.

"No one ever cooked for me back when I was in Germany, not even Kaji. I used to eat what was served in the cafeteria, and sure Kaji took me to some fancy restaurants, but… none of that food was as good as yours, not even the best restaurants I visited… You, you know me, you know what I like and you cook it for me… for _me_, and it always tastes so good. I… I think you're a great cook, Shinji. Every time we seat down to eat, even for that small moment, I feel like I'm… home."

Shinji smiled, his chest was filled with euphoria his tired brain was unable to comprehend. He had done it, he had shared something truly private about himself, and in turn, Asuka had lowered her own defenses as well, she had allowed herself to be vulnerable, even for a moment, even if it was because of some deal. They had somehow become closer than ever before, yet another wall that separated them had crumbled to the ground.

"If you tell anyone what I just said, I'll –"

"Beat me up? Hmm, you're gonna have to come up with better threats, you know." finished the boy for her, flashing her a sunny smile. Asuka felt impressed, the boy had successfully stood up to her, he was even joking about the fact that she had almost beaten him to death not too long ago. She felt the guilt come back full force at once, the horrible feelings of shame and self-disgust quickly cursed through her, making the girl clutch Shinji's shirt again.

"You shouldn't joke about that, idiot." She mumbled l bitterly, disengaging herself from Shinji's embrace in a moment and choosing to assume a fetal position and face the thin wall instead. She decided to ignore the idiot for the rest of the night, even when she was already starting to regret her choice in forsaking his body warmth.

Shinji sighed, knowing fully well he had crossed the line. He still hadn't managed to master the art of teasing yet, but he'd work on it later on. He knew Asuka was vulnerable at the moment, he knew it just as well as the fact that if he did nothing and instead allowed her to simmer in her own anger all the progress they had made would simply disappear, and both of them would wake up feeling bitter, sad and upset. He could just as easily forget all about it, run away like he always did, look for his SDAT and turn it full volume to drown out the sound of her breathing, but that simply wasn't him anymore. She had literally beaten the wimp out of him. Shinji sighed, and once again neglecting his personal health and well being, he slowly turned to his side, minding rest on his healthy side, so his healing ribs didn't bother him while sleeping. After he was satisfied with his position, he turned to her and embraced her. His right arm found its way to her waist, clutching her body closer to his. He didn't even give her a chance to relent or complain, Shinji simply followed his instincts, for once.

It was Asuka's turn to jolt and nearly elbow Shinji in the face, but the feeling of his arm around her was far too intoxicating, far too addictive. She relaxed, sinking deeper into his embrace and intertwining her fingers with his. She closed her eyes, feeling drowsy and relaxed at last. _Thank you…_, thought the redhead, feeling as sleep slowly won the battle.

"Sorry… I went too far there…" whispered the boy into her hair, swallowing nervously. " I'll…try not to be so stupid…" Asuka chuckled; gripping his hand a bit tighter to let him know that it was okay, that she accepted his apology and his touch. She whispered her final words for the night.

"Don't apologize. You're an idiot, not stupid. Good night…." Shinji smiled, resisting the urge to sink his face in her locks. He chose not to question the difference between being stupid and being an idiot.

"Good night… mein Führer." He received yet another pinch on the forearm for his trouble, but it was worth it, because he could almost _feel _Asuka smile.

"Baka…"

* * *

It would take another eight hours before any of the members of the household recovered consciousness; they slumbered undisturbed for the rest of the morning. On the other side of the city, within the confines of NERV HQ; Rei rested. She stared at the white ceiling of the room they had prepared for her, occasionally staring out the window and admiring how the sun gently touched the grass. Nature had always baffled her, it seemed as though everything Mother Nature did was meant to maintain balance, no matter how strong Man's efforts were to destroy it or rupture it, life always found a way to survive and flourish. Some bonds, she had learned, also endured just as strongly as life.

Being alive offered many opportunities she had never even considered before. Rei suddenly felt the overwhelming need to live, to experience, to get upset and sad and angry and happy and depressed and jealous and feel it all at once. She wanted to _live. _Existing was no longer enough, she needed to fulfill her purpose, and her purpose was to find happiness, both for her and her brother.

A deep frown drew over her angelic face when the thought of Sohryu Asuka Langley crossed Rei's train of thought. Her hands clenched the sheets, wondering how delightful it would be to curl her fingers on the little redheaded bitch's throat, how fun it would be to smash her fists into that smug face of hers, how endearing and pleasant it would be to snap a bone or two. If Rei didn't know how much Shinji cared for the girl, she'd probably kill Asuka with her bare hands, just like that. What Asuka had done… it went beyond crossing the line; it went beyond anything Rei was capable of forgiving. Flashes of Shinji's pain came and went as she plotted her revenge, the former hybrid could almost feel Shinji's fingers break, she could see the pure hatred is Asuka's eyes as she smashed the lasagna trey on the floor. Rei kept frowning at the ceiling, wondering if it was best to simply hospitalize the Second herself and let her taste some of her own medicine.

Crimson eyes addressed the door when a faint knock shook the young girl out of her relaxation. She muttered a half-hearted "come in", since she felt too lazy to get up from her comfortable bed. Lazy, yes… She had never been able to be lazy before, and she found it to be fantastic.

The door opened to reveal a sheepish looking Maya carrying a trey. The sweet smell of herbal tea assaulted Rei's nostrils headfirst, making her remember that she had not yet eaten breakfast.

"Hey there, Rei! I brought you some breakfast!" Maya said happily, letting herself into the chamber. Rei blinked when she noticed the distinctive smell of miso soup and toast, making her stomach grumble quite loudly. The young girl could not help turning scarlet around her pale cheeks, she felt embarrassed…these feelings were troublesome indeed.

Maya giggled, noticing how cute Rei looked when she blushed and realizing this was probably the first time she saw the blue-haired girl behave like a normal, functional human being.

"Ms. Ibuki, hello." Answered the girl in her distinctive soft monotone. After ten years of speaking like that, it was a bit hard to break the habit. Maya though, paid no mind to it; she approached the girl's nightstand and placed the breakfast trey on the table, noticing the strange look that Rei seemed only too content to address her way. She appeared to be…studying her. Her eyes were wide open, she had her head tilted to the side and some sort of scrutinizing, interested look in her crimson orbs. Needless to say, she was making the already self-conscious Maya feel a bit too terrified. It was no secret that many of the employees had some sort of aversion to her presence due to the attenuating circumstances of Third Impact. Shigeru, particularly, seemed only too keen to either faint or run away screaming like a madman whenever she laid eyes upon him. A truly fascinating behavior, indeed. Maya gulped, realizing Rei was still observing her as if she was some sort of living phenomenon that had captured the blue-haired girl's total attention.

"Umm… Rei? Is there something wrong?" uttered the petite Head of Staff, hoping Rei would not suddenly transform into a giant angelic-like Grim Reaper and steal her soul. The child in question, however, simply blinked, clearing her throat.

"I was curious as to when I can see Ika-Shinji-kun." Rei corrected herself, mentally slapping her own sense of cordiality and personal detachment. Maya's shoulders visibly slackened, she took a deep breath to calm her aching nerves, resisting the need to scold her imaginative brain.

"Well, I don't think you're gonna have to wait for long, Rei. From what I understand Sub-Commander Misato was informed you returned last night, so I'd imagine she'll bring Shinji today!" answered Maya brightly. Rei too smiled, baffling Maya with her expressiveness yet again. Back then, Rei did not even seem to blink, let alone smile.

"You should smile more often, Rei. You look really pretty like that." Rei blushed at her compliment, staring at the bed sheets with a somewhat dreamy expression on her face.

"Shinji told me to smile more often, too." Maya giggled again, and realizing she was no longer needed, turned to leave the room and continue with her duties.

"Ibuki-san."

Rei's quiet voice stopped her when she was about to push the button that opened the metal door. Maya looked over her shoulder, a bit perplexed at the sudden change in Rei's tone.

"Yes, Rei?" The younger girl glared at the floor, not directing her eyes towards Maya or anything else in the room. She seemed upset, yet another expression Maya ha never seen on her.

"Why is the Second still allowed to be anywhere near Shinji?" The tone in which the girl spoke managed to creep shivers all around her back. "Umm… I don't…. understand. How do you –"

"Know?" Interrupted the blue-haired girl. She breathed a sigh that sounded somewhat remorseful to Maya. "I know because I shared a bond with everyone while I was in the Red Sea. I do not know everything… but I am aware that Sohryu has done nothing but torment Shinji ever since she returned. I wish to know why you have all done nothing." She turned her eyes towards the sweating tech, who struggled under her gaze. Maya sighed, idly running a hand through her short hair.

"Rei… things have been very complicated ever since people started returning from Instrumentality, we've all been too busy trying to put the city back together. I know that's just an excuse, I know but… we just don't know how to handle it. We've asked Shinji to move to a different location and we even tried to contact NERV Germany to issue an official withdrawal of the Second Child, but they're only too happy to tell us she was our problem now, and Shinji refuses to move out. "

Maya paused, taking a breath to remember what Sempai had told her regarding Shinji and Asuka. She had told Maya those too had developed a codependent relationship, they could not function correctly around each other or anyone else for that matter, they were simply too alien to the entire human experience, too deeply hurt to risk getting close to anyone, but due to the vast amount of traumatizing experiences they had both suffered together, neither Shinji nor Asuka would even think of leaving, since they believed nobody else would ever be able to understand their pain. To be without the other, it was beyond unthinkable in their minds, even when they were not consciously aware of it. Asuka had managed to put up a good show during the incident of the 14th, but almost everyone who had in any way interacted with the volatile redhead through that period clearly noticed she was affected.

"Asuka and Shinji are codependent. Whatever happened during Third Impact… it made Asuka unable to control her fits of rage, and… and if you had seen what those…things did to her, you wouldn't be so quick to judge. Sempai told me some of her fits might not even be conscious, she just enters a trance and when she wakes up it's too late. And Shinji…he lives and breathes for her; he was alone for a long time, Rei, totally alone. We don't even know because he's never told us, but… Sempai says it could've well been over a month. When Asuka came back, she became his one and only reason to stay alive. Look, I know this isn't what you want to hear Rei, but… but if you really shared a bond with them during these eight months… I think you know as well as I do that breaking them apart, breaking whatever they've managed to build ever since Shinji was admitted to the hospital… it'd kill them both…"

Rei's eyes turned slightly glazed at Maya's answer. She moved her stare toward the window once again, wondering quietly if her vendetta would end up hurting Shinji that much more. _That_ she definitely did not want to do, yet to let the Second's actions stand, it was beyond inconceivable.

"I…see. Thank you, Ms. Ibuki." Maya relaxed at Rei's controlled tone, and with a bow, she retreated back the HQ, closing the sliding door behind her and already thinking about having a talk with Ritsuko. The brilliant scientist herself had been called on an official business meeting with the heads of the UN, something Maya knew the fake blond was only too content about. Ritsuko wanted nothing to do with Rei, nothing at all, and that was no secret to anyone.

Alone once again, Rei raised herself from the bed and walked toward the window, loosing herself in the beautiful visage of the areas around the Geo-Front. Her face, however, revealed displeasure and anger. She felt the urge to do something, anything to make the aching hatred that corroded her stomach go away. Her anger for the Second was too great, she needed to unleash it, if only for once in her lifetime. For once, she felt the raging necessity to let loose.

"I will enjoy knocking your teeth in… Second."

* * *

The air shook the leaves around the Geo-Front, but to the trained eye, it would seem as though the trees themselves cowered under Rei's fury. The breakfast trey remained on the nightstand, untouched.

Waking up did not turn half as unpleasant as it had before, quite the contrary in fact. Always an early riser, Asuka was the first to regain consciousness; she turned her head for a moment to gaze at the clock that flared "9.48 am" with blazing red colors, muttering to herself about stupid arms that fall asleep when you lie on them as she regained her position. Behind her, she could clearly distinguish Shinji's light, slow breathing, meaning the idiot was still very much asleep. _Hm, _thought the German to herself, _he's always been kind of a slacker_. Choosing to stay in bed for a bit longer, Asuka was content to feel Shinji's hand still faintly gripping her own. They had moved somewhat during the night, Shinji was lying face down completely, lying on his belly like a slob while his arm was still firmly encircling Asuka's waist; as for the girl herself, she had assumed a more fetal position but was otherwise lying exactly like she had been when falling asleep.

Asuka decided to enjoy the moment as much as possible. Mornings as comfortable and relaxing were few and too far between, she honestly could not remember sleeping as soundly and peacefully as she did whenever Shinji was by her side. She was starting to feel… drawn to him, much more so than ever before. Months prior to her worst outburst, whenever she used him for her personal pleasure; the crushing disgust and guilt that consumed her once the deed was done was unbearable, most nights she was even unable to sleep, no matter how hard she tried or how tired and worn she was. The night before, however, had been vastly different. Shinji had asked her to stay, he had _invited _her to stay with him and she had agreed. Two months before she would have pummeled the boy into a bloody mess for even making such a ridiculous proposal, three weeks before she would have been unable to endure the shaking and raw terror that her mere presence set off inside him. Now…now she could even picture sleeping by herself, and the thought of assaulting him in any physical way made her sick.

Asuka stopped her train of thought when she felt the boy beside her mutter something incoherent and stir for a moment. She panicked for a few seconds, believing it to be yet another nightmare, but such proved not to be the case when the boy all but grumbled and yanked her possessively closer to him in his sleep, as if she was some sort of comfort pillow he could not do without and was unwilling to share. Half conscious, Shinji felt the need to bring the soft, warm source of comfort that much near him, but in an effort to find a comfortable position with the aching of the bandages on his chest, Shinji's hand disengaged itself from Asuka's own and unconsciously groped her right breast.

Asuka's face turned positively crimson when she felt Shinji's hand grab onto her. Her basic drive stirred, but she suppressed it violently, noticing the boy behind her was still somewhat asleep. She resisted the urge to elbow the crap out the idiot's head and scream "PERVERT" with all her might, believing it to be karmatic or something akin to such things. It actually didn't feel bad at all… _I beat you up and in turn you get to cop a feel… not really a fare trade but I guess it's better than nothing, _thought Asuka amusedly to herself. _You´re really lucky you're asleep._ Behind her, the former Third Child grumbled loudly, breathing in.

"Mmhhmm…Uhh….A…Asuka?" Finally waking from his slumber, Shinji was happy to discover the first thing he laid eyes upon were Asuka's golden locks, but something felt terribly wrong. He remembered holding her hand before he fell asleep, but he didn't remember her hand being so soft and round and fleshy and…

"Shinji?" Asuka spoke in a honey-combed voice, trying to maintain a healthy amount of malice in her tone. She heard Shinji gulp behind her.

"Ummm…ah….y-yeah?" answered the boy awkwardly, feeling as though the temperature of the room descended with violence.

"How long have you been awake?" Again Shinji gulped, making Asuka grin.

"Ummm… I… I just w-woke up!" Satisfied with the boy's honesty, the redhead chuckled lightly.

"You know that's not my hand, don't you?"

"AAAHHH!" Shinji's entire body jolted awake, sending a very clear message to his fogged mind. _Run. Run now. Run to the hills. Wait, as a matter of fact, fuck the hills. Don't stop until you reach the sea and then climb on a boat_.

The boy fell on his ass rather loudly on the floor, hurting his already bruised ribs for good measure. Shinji hissed at the impact, trying to put his thoughts in order, but the pain, even for a moment, was stifling. As much as his mind plotted an easy escape route, his body remained unresponsive. When he regained his senses, Shinji noticed Asuka's head poking from above him. In retrospect, he had to be glad that the beds the UN had so kindly provided for them were only three inches from the floor, otherwise his fall could have turned out much more painful.

Noticing Asuka's worried face, the boy felt like slapping himself for good measure. The expression of concern, even when it was rare, did not befit Asuka's beautiful features in Shinji's opinion.

"Are you OK?" asked the girl from above, lifting an eyebrow when she noticed no blood or painful sounds coming from the boy in question.

"Yeah… sorry about that…" Shinji blinked, quickly remembering why he had fallen off the bed in the first place. He panicked, spluttering apologies not a second after.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I….ughh… I was asleep… and your hand… but I moved… uhmm… I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me too much!"

Asuka had to powerfully suppress the need to burst out laughing. For whatever reason she still could not understand, the concept of Shinji touching her was no longer something she felt sickened or threatened about, it seemed only normal to her. Perhaps, back then the sickness and reluctance of letting him touch her was born out of her own self-disgust and guilt summed to the hate she felt for his inaction and general patheticness. Just like that, Asuka felt something click inside her brain, as if she was on the verge of solving a very deep contradiction within her, but she was tired, hungry and Shinji was still waiting for suitable punishment, so she decided to mull it over as she prepared breakfast.

Shinji opened a cautious eye, wondering why no pain had exploded on his face or the vicinity of his body, and noticed Asuka looking at him with a sly smile on her face, completely relaxed. He stared questioningly at her, raising an unbelieving eyebrow.

"I think that fall on your butt was punishment enough, Ikari. You´re really lucky I'm in such a good mood this morning, you know." She gave him a rare sheepish, simply pure smile then, making Shinji sit petrified at her beauty. _God, _thought the boy as he admired her, _that's just… beautiful. Perfect…_ Her smile, it was devoid of any pain, any remorse or disgust, it was the purest smile he had ever seen. Simply breathtaking.

Asuka, on the other hand, noticed how his eyes slowly befell from her face to her chest.

-WHACK-

"Owww! What the hell?" Shinji cradled his aching head, complaining rather loudly his discomfort for the smack his skull had just received.

"That, however, was for staring, pervert. You get one freebie every day, so use it wisely." Asuka winked at him, graciously lifting her frame from the bed in one fluid movement and leaving the former Third Child once again completely baffled on the floor. She didn't think much about the fact that she was flirting with him.

"I'm gonna go make some breakfast, so get cleaned up Baka-Shinji."

Shinji remained on the floor for a while, quietly wondering if he would ever get to understand _anything_ about women at all.

* * *

Breakfast went about rather peacefully. After about fifteen minutes of painful, cautions changing, injecting the serum he was starting to loathe with passion and somewhat combing the mess of brown hair on his head, Shinji was content to sit at the table, sip occasionally at his coffee and watch Asuka work, knowing better than to try to push his luck by talking, specially after being so mercifully forgiven for his transgression earlier in the morning. He was more than comfortable with admiring how easily the redhead managed to drive herself around the kitchen. Soon enough delicious scents emanated from the stove, making Shinji's stomach grumble in response.

Misato did not take long to make her presence known, as soon as the house started smelling like breakfast both teens heard the loud rumblings that came from their guardian's chamber. The older woman navigated through the small corridor, still half asleep, until she reached the fridge and opened the door with her eyes halfway closed. She took a container of what appeared to be canned cappuccino, sitting on the table with tremendous force, and proceeded to chug the entire can in one gulp.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEE! Now _that's _a way to start your morning!"

Both teens glanced quizzically at her, blinking almost in unison.

"You _do _know I have fresh coffee brewing here, right?" Asked Asuka tiredly, wondering what had happened to all the beer in the fridge. It seemed as though alcohol had all but evaporated from the house for the last few days.

"I think it's better than starting your day with beer. It's good you're trying to cut off your drinking, Misato-san." Shinji smiled shyly at her as Misato ruffled his hair from across the table.

"Ohh, thanks Shin-chan! See, Asuka? You should learn to be supportive like Shin-chan over here!" Misato looked extremely happy, much more so than she had in weeks or months. She smiled brightly at everything, as if nothing was wrong with the world.

"Yeah, yeah, let's all cheer and tear for our recovering alcoholic. Here, eat it while it's hot." Muttering to herself, Asuka placed a dish of freshly made omelet in front of both occupants of the table before sitting in her usual spot. Both Shinji and Misato complemented her dish, even when they hadn't tasted it yet, it looked and smelled simply delicious. "Well don't just stare at it, dig in!"

"Thank you for the meal!"

The food was consumed within a few minutes, the taste and texture of the omelet were simply perfect, even to someone as accustomed to Japanese cuisine as Shinji. Soon enough Misato was rubbing her satisfied stomach with a bigger smile on her face, something that was starting to creep them out.

"Misato, don't take this the wrong way, but did you get lucky last night? You've been smiling like an idiot all morning!" Shinji positively blushed at her comment. God, it was still too easy to make him uncomfortable.

"Asuka!"

"What? It's true! She looks like one of those potheads from the movies!" Misato brushed off her comments, giggling to herself as Shinji continued to blush.

"Asuka!"

"Ok, ok, geez! I swear Shinji, you're such a spoilsport sometimes." Shinji huffed, choosing to hide his own small smile under his coffee mug.

"No, I didn't get lucky yesterday, sadly enough. You might have, though," She winked at Asuka, noticing how Shinji got even redder around the cheeks. Maybe if they both tried hard enough they could give him a nosebleed.

"But I do have some very good news." Misato assumed a more comfortable position, placing a leg on the chair and facing both of her charges with a serious façade. Both teens eyed her as if she had finally snapped during the night, and actually retreated a bit when her face broke into a ridiculous grin.

"Shinji, Asuka… Rei returned! She's back, she's alive!" Neither reacted for a moment, they just sat on the table with a shocked expression on their faces. Slowly but surely Shinji started smiling, she was back! She had promised and had delivered, she was finally back! His sister was alive!

Asuka's reaction, however, was vastly different. The pang of jealousy cursed through her like poison as she pictured the face of the little doll she had hated for so long. The favorite. In the end, Shinji had chosen that little bitch over her, he had decided that talking and making the little doll smile was better and more endearing than offering a helping hand as _she_ fell apart. She chose to hide her disdain, letting her red locks fall over her face. Shinji's reaction only aided in making her feel more and more furious.

"She's back? That's… that's amazing! We _have _to go see her, Misato! Can we go today? Can we go right now?" By now, Shinji had risen from his seat and was staring expectantly at Misato who was all but frozen at his sudden outburst.

"Ok, Ok! We'll go see her, Shin-chan, but calm down, geez! She's not going anywhere, you know. The doctors say she's in perfect health and quite eager to see you both again!" Misato chuckled when Shinji's smile only seemed to widen, but she noticed Asuka's reaction to the news was far bitterer. She too rose from the table, keeping her face down and her eyes hidden under her bangs, averting her gaze from both of them. Her hands were closed into tight fists that trembled with the amount of pressure she put in them.

"I guess you can go back to your doll, then. You´ll just go running after _her_, won't you?" She spoke in the same deadly quiet tone she used when she was about to lose control. Shinji took a step back, eyes widened in fear, and she once again felt a sickening satisfaction curse through her.

Asuka swiftly left to her room, not bothering to so much as clear the table or make any convincing threats, and slammed the sliding door for at least three times until it stayed closed. Shinji stared worriedly at her door; before he knew what he was doing his own legs were dragging him to the dragoness's den as he silently wondered what he had done wrong this time. Was he not allowed to be exited about seeing his sister? He was about to knock on her door when Misato's hand came heavily against his shoulder. He turned to stare at his guardian in wonder, noticing the tight frown dominating her face.

"Misato! Wh-"

"Leave it alone, Shinji. Don't let her teenage drama bullshit spoil our day. Go get washed up, I´ll clean this and we´ll go see Rei in a couple of hours, kay?"

"But Misato! Asuka's-"

"Acting like a spoiled brat, and I wouldn't pay too much mind to it if I were you. Go on, Shin-chan."

Shinji looked indecisive, on one hand he didn't want to disobey Misato, but something told him to try and talk to Asuka so he could at least understand what was wrong. The uncertainty quickly turned to frustration and anger, drowning his joy of knowing Rei was alive.

"But…But I don't even know what I did wrong!" The boy too fisted his hands as he glared at the floor, arms shaking in helplessness. Misato patted him on the shoulder again, albeit much gentler than before.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Shinji. And she knows it, trust me. She's just trying to be the center of the universe like always…. Anyway, chin up! We´ll go see Rei as soon as I´m done!" Misato left him standing outside Asuka's door, clearing the table as whistled an upbeat tune. Shinji sighed as he glanced uncomfortably at the redhead's room before he too retreated to his chamber, feeling guilty for Asuka's bad mood.

* * *

Ritsuko, for her part, was trying very hard not to laugh.

"Well… this is a weird and unexpected turn of events." She was trying really hard, but the tips of her mouth kept going upwards on their own accord. On the other side of the table, Gendou adjusted his glasses.

"So it would seem."

Around them, the heads of the board in charge of pretending to handle NERV arranged their papers and prepared to depart. The meeting had been long, stressful, overly informative and excessively detailed, leaving everyone inside the room (with the apparent exception of a certain doctor) worn out, with a throbbing headache and a very consistent wish to leave. The images the good doctor had eagerly provided; detailing in high quality the rampage Unit 02 had so kindly chosen to unleash upon the Graveyard beneath the walls of NERV had left a few of them with their expensive, tasteless lunches jumping in their throats.

Nakamura was the first to rise from his seat, giving the blonde a curt nod. "We appreciate your cooperation, Commander. No less is expected, after all; please keep us informed in regards to the unit's repair process, it is imperative that all the assets are ready within two months. Ladies, gentlemen, if you would join me for a light appetizer…" Respectfully gesturing the sitting members of the board to accompany him, Nakamura calmly walked toward the exit., The other nine members of the board too left their seats, some not so much as bothering to be discreet about the hatred they felt for the man still sitting on his chair, looking unperturbed. They glared at him with viciousness, uttering poisonous words of disdain in hushed tones as they left the meeting room.

Soon, only a petite brown haired assistant, along with the former and current Commander were left alone inside the hall. The window behind the elder Ikari illuminated the table with the light of midday, giving a clear image of the scattered papers all around the large table, some of them containing pictures of the Third Child's latest encounter with a hospital bed.

Ritsuko cleared her throat, giving an unbelieving stare to the man facing her. "So, you expect me to believe that the fact that Rei came back only a day after you decided to drag ass back to the real world was a mere coincidence?"

Gendou remained impassive; simply pushing his glasses upwards with his left hand. "Yes."

"Oh, and you also expect me to believe you had some sort of powerful epiphany in the world of Goo and now you wish to redeem your actions against the Children, specifically, the active part you played in purposely traumatizing them and making them so withdrawn and damaged that the only soul they would ever be able to connect with was the one inside our biomechanical tin cans, _specifically_ Unit 01, right?" Ritsuko snickered as she took a long intake of breath, lifting her attractive frame from the seat. Gendou breathed in, his hard expression unwavering. "Yes." Ritsuko snorted.

"I guess Shinji wasn't very fond of his nutcase of a mom, after all." The former Commander's eyes narrowed.

"If you wish to discuss a guilty conscience, _doctor_, perhaps it would be wise to converse about the use _you_ gave the Children. To you, they were nothing more than simple variables in an experiment, and like any good scientist you maintained your objectivity and complete detachment. While they suffered, you simply stood by and took notes, wondering only the effects that such emotions would cause in their synch rate. And let us not get into detail regarding Rei." He gave Ritsuko a cold, calculating glare from behind his glasses.

The scientist merely shrugged, brushing off his comments with no apparent effort. "I could go on about how it was under _your_ orders that I remained… what was the word you just used? Ah, yes, objective. Or I could go on about how you personally prescribed many of Rei's… medicines, but that's not the reason I was called here, and I really hate it when people make me waste my time." The Commander marched over to Gendou's vicinity, unlocking the chain tying him to his chair and shut off the device on his leg, designed to administer a sufficient dose of electricity to his system whenever she felt like it. She was really starting to enjoy this weird and unexpected turn of events.

Gendou too rose from his chair, moving his empty right sleeve behind him and clapping his wrist with his left hand. Ritsuko lifted an eyebrow, noticing for the first time that Ikari no longer had a right hand.

"Sakura," motioned the Commander to her assistant, who jolted in response. "Tell our people in TP (Technological Prosthetics) to start working on a hand for him. That empty sleeve just creeps me out." The brown haired young woman saluted and retreated, not so much as uttering a word.

The former lovers faced each other, Ritsuko's amused expression remained relaxed while facing Gendou's cold blue eyes. Even after all they had gone through, it was still the same.

"You know, your son was in my hospital for the last month. Nothing I couldn't fix though; a shredded diaphragm, trust me it looked like Swiss cheese, four broken ribs; dislocated shoulder, broken radius, mild trauma to the skull, chronic depression, not that it's anything new… But we fixed him up." She smiled when no apparent change took over Gendou's face, but her trained eyes could clearly see she was upsetting him. His brow was a tad furrowed, he was gripping his right wrist with vigor and his breathing was, even for a second, a tad uneven.

"May I inquire as to _how_ he obtained those injuries?" asked the elder Ikari with a frozen tone, glaring at Ritsuko with ferocity. The Commander maintained her relaxed state, not taking his mood seriously in the slightest.

"Oh, from what I understand it was a love feud between him and the Second, those two really have it for each other, I'm telling you. I always knew that girl would end up institutionalizing him, either in marriage, the hospital or a sanitarium. Not in that particular order anyways."

"So the Second Child is alive."

"Indeed she is, alive and kicking. Your son, that is." Gendou swallowed the growl that manifested itself at the woman's smugness. Ritsuko herself felt guilty for using Shinji like that, but for at least once, she wanted to piss the Bastard King off and make him experience the helpless and powerless he had made her feel for so long.

"And I trust you have taken disciplinary actions towards this behavior." Ritsuko shrugged again, turning to a folder on the table marked "IKARI" and slid it to where Gendou stood.

"We tried, see for yourself. Restraining order, relocation clause, two lawsuits, formal and informal complaint to NERV Germany, consistent calls to her father who just openly rejected any responsibility, anger management sessions, visits to a shrink, even some time in a correctional facility, but we can't do jack shit if Shinji doesn't sign the papers and he absolutely refused to press charges. He's told us, with his lips bleeding and a black eye, that he doesn't feel threatened. So, basically….no. But I do think Misato's being especially hard on her for the last month or so."

Gendou snorted, actually snorted at her last comment. "That boy, he is uncorrectable." Risuko chuckled at his tone, slowly and deliberately drawing closer to him.

"Is that pride I hear in your voice, Advisor?" The taller man's smirk widened at her question.

"The boy successfully shattered SEELE's plan for the next step of evolution and gave a big "Fuck You" to Keel Lorenz himself, completely burned my scenario along with any hope of reuniting with his mother, and bit me in half. Literally. Then, he proceeded to refuse the godhood I devoted my life to and the endless ecstasy of Instrumentality so he could return to the deserted wasteland we once called home, only to be beaten half to death by the deranged banshee he fell for… saving mankind in the process." Gendou's expression turned dead serious, his frozen blue eyes piercing through Ritsuko's own.

"What's there not to be proud of?"

Ritsuko smirked, placing a hand on his shoulder. Her gaze softened as she admired the small gleam of actual pride she could see in those cold, blue eyes of his.

"Well then, I´m glad you finally managed to express something for your son other than `raise the LCL pressure´ or `activate the Dummy Plug´, it won't get you a mug that says "Best Dad", but I guess its progress, even when to this point you can't even call him by his name. " The blonde scientist squeezed his shoulder affectionately; the Ikari charm had not been lost during Third Impact, after all. "Oh, and speaking of progress…" the doctor whispered, closing the distance between them as she sensually spoke into his left ear, her tone soft and silky.

At that moment her left knee collided headfirst with his groin. The former Commander had to struggle through the unbearable pain to keep the food inside his stomach as his eyes bulged out of their sockets for a second. The blow had been obviously delivered withy every once of strength Ritsuko possessed, successfully bringing him to a crouching position as he tried not to cradle his family jewels. Ritsuko pocketed a small disk with a red X that lay on the table, staring empathetically at her former lover.

"That was for shooting me by the way, so consider us at peace for the time of being. I expect you to have memorized everything in those files by tomorrow, my dear Advisor. I´ll arrange for you to be escorted to your premises in an hour, and I expect a full report on this `project X´ or whatever it's called."

"Any…thing else…?" uttered Gendou through gritted teeth as he fought to maintain his balance.

"Nope, I think that's it. You know, even when you're a complete and utter bastard, I'm glad you chose to come back. Maybe we can erase some of the damage we've done before it's our time in the gallows, Gendou." Giving him a lopsided smile, Ritsuko turned to depart as well, leaving Gendou alone in the elegant conference room.

"Women…" whispered the former Commander to himself, still feeling the crushing pain below his midsection.

"Can't live with them, can't successfully control the Armageddon without them." Gendou eyes widened when he heard _that_ familiar voice. A small smile, for once devoid of malice, drew over his face.

"I see you're still being manipulated by the women in your life, stupid student." Gendou chuckled before hissing in pain once again, at last managing to stay on his feet. He smirked at his old friend, even throughout his insufferable pain.

"I see you're still… trying to make me see the…error of my ways…Professor." From the shadows in the corner, Fuyutsuki laughed.

"Oh, I stopped doing that a lot time ago; you're as stubborn as a mule. I'm here as _your _Advisor, actually, and I do plan to retire once this mayhem is over and done with." Gendou eyed his oldest friend warily, the smirk never leaving his face as he started piling up the folders scattered on the table in an effort to disguise the pain that was threatening to render him blind.

"Let us… begin, then. We have a new scenario, old friend, and I believe this one is actually… worth fighting for." Kozo snickered lightly, pocketing his hands as he approached the table.

"So it would seem." Gendou was still trying to stand up straight. "Want me to get some ice for that?"

* * *

The trip to NERV HQ was quiet and uncomfortable, both Asuka and Shinji sat on the back seats, both gazing at their respective window. Asuka, for her part, did not look angry at all, she simply stared stoically at the still somewhat devastated visage of the city, her expression distant and cold. She didn't particularly feel like talking to anyone, the jealousy that was clawing away at her patience threatened to stifle her any moment, so the redhead chose to simply be dragged over to the losers' reunion. The darkest parts of her wanted nothing more than to put Shinji in his place, to remind him exactly who owned his life and crush that little smile he had shown when notified of Wondergirl's return. She was afraid, threatened. Even when the redhead would not admit it to herself, she was terrified that Rei would come and take Shinji away from her. The way in which he reacted, it was a complete 180 compared to how he had welcomed _her _into the world. _With his hands around my throat, that's how_. She unconsciously closed her fist, feeling anger rise up to her chest.

Shinji stared out his window as well. His eyes displayed sadness openly, but hid guilt and more than a bit of anger. He was just so frustrated! Nothing he did was ever good enough! Did he not have the right to be happy about meeting his sister, his _sister, _for the first time? Rei had been the one person who had reached out to _him _during Instrumentality; she had sacrificed herself for him. In the end, Rei had played a key part in his choice to return. He clenched and unclenched his left hand, frowning deeply at the decayed buildings. He was supposed to be happy, damnit! Instead he felt guilty, ashamed and upset. He understood, at least partially. It had been stupid of him to react like that, after what he had done on the beach. It was beyond stupid. Downright insensitive. Fuck… the first thing he had done after dragging Asuka to shore… he had tried to kill her. _Great, you fucking idiot… that thing is right… I can't even be close to her without hurting her. God…god damnit… I keep fucking it up. _

Misato eyed her charges warily through the rear-view mirror, quickly growing tired of their deepening frowns. She cleared her throat while swiftly and dangerously dodging a small chunk of building lying on the street, managing to take advantage of the vicinity of Shinji's head with the window, making him smack his skull against it without any mayor damage to his wounds and making Asuka loose her balance and nearly fall into the boy's lap.

"Owww! Misato, what the hell?" As he rubbed his aching head, Shinji didn't quite catch the new level of crimson that Asuka's face reached as she realized exactly where her head could have been. The girl caught her balance before Shinji managed to see her precarious situation.

"You're gonna kill us like that, can't you see he's fucking injured? What the fuck is your problem, Misato?" The Sub-Commander ignored the accusations thrown her way, smirking at both teens. She was a very perceptible human being, however tactless and unsure as she was. She knew exactly what to do in order to defrost the icy environment in the car.

"Geez, you're both so grouchy about it, just relax! So, Shinji! You exited about seeing your sister?" Throwing deliberate questions to break the ice was certainly one of her finest talents, Misato decided. The way Asuka's eyes bulged out in pure shock was priceless.

Shinji himself was shocked silent for a moment. "Uhm! Yeah!" replied the boy awkwardly as he cradled his aching head. As a matter of fact, Shinji had no idea of what he was going to tell Rei, or even how to address her. Sharing DNA did bring them closer on some level, but he had been so caught up in the excitement of knowing she was alive that he didn't know if the Rei waiting inside NERV was the same person he remembered. Asuka, as was to be expected, was much more eloquent after she managed to shake off the muted shock she had been under for about a solid minute. Shinji was even glancing worriedly at her.

"Back up a second there. She's Shinji's what?"

"His sister, or something like that. Care to explain, Shinji-kun?" Misato smiled with an evil glint, watching as her brown-haired boy glared ferociously at her head.

"Yeah, Shinji. Care to explain?" Said the redhead dangerously, making the boy gulp. Every second that went by made Asuka feel worse. Eight months, eight _fucking _months and she had never heard that tiny detail. Tiny, puny, insignificant. So insignificant that it explained so much in her brain yet brought very little comfort to her heart. He had known all along but hadn't told her about it, but to be fair she hadn't bothered to ask him either.

Shinji cleared his throat, staring straight into Asuka's angry cerulean eyes. "Well, umm… Rei was born out of my mother's DNA mixed with Lillith's DNA. She… she was born to give my father control over Third Impact, but she turned her back on him in the end. Rei… she's like a sister, I guess. Even when I didn't know that, I felt… comfortable around her. Like she was something familiar."

Asuka's expression softened a bit in understanding. Maybe Rei had struggled as well, after all.

"Oh… I… didn't know that." Suddenly she felt embarrassed of her little tirade in the morning, god, she had probably sounded _jealous_! Shinji gave her a small smile before he turned his eyes back to the city, surveying the reconstructed park they were currently driving next to.

"It's okay, it's my fault for not telling you earlier, anyway. She's… been through so much, you know? Father _made _her, he raised her to be his tool, to do nothing but what she was ordered to, she wasn't even allowed to _feel…_ She's one of us, I guess…"

"Yeah… "Asuka looked at her hands, her eyes danced across the faint scar on her right arm, the perfect line that went all the way to her shoulder. Maybe Wondergirl was one of them, just like Shinji had said.

The rest of the trip went about undisturbed; they shared small, aimless conversations and teased around. No so much as teased around as Misato and Asuka teaming up to make Shinji blush and utter incoherent nonsense as they giggled in delight. The aura between them became comfortable once again and before they knew it they were slowly walking along the halls of NERV's living facilities, looking for Rei's room as Misato threw jokes around and Shinji occasionally grabbed his side and hissed whenever he moved incorrectly. Asuka felt more than a bit out of place, something deep in her gut told her this was no place for her to be. She didn't quite understand the depth of Shinji and Rei's relationship, the thought of them hugging and talking so easily, the idea of Shinji sharing his deepest pains with the blue haired girl made her sick with a feeling she could not comprehend. Why was she so jealous?

Why did she feel like turning back and going back in the car when they were so close to their destination? Why was she, the great Sohryu Asuka Langley, unsure of visiting a comrade in arms? Why was the image of Shinji and Rei, or any other woman for that matter so disgusting to her? She could not honestly expect to have any kind of close relationship with him, not after what she had done. The mere thought of it was laughable, totally impossible; the most she could ever hope to be was his friend, nothing more. She could not, not after wh-

"Ok, kids, here we are! Room 317, Rei's penthouse suite! You know Shinji-kun, if you hadn't been such a hothead this morning we could've at least brought some lunch to Rei-chan! You know, as in a present…" Facing her door, Shinji cringed slightly, scratching his head in obvious shame as he laughed nervously.

"O-Oh, yeah, I guess I kinda got a little carried away…" Asuka stared at him unbelievingly, signaling him with a dramatic pose in an effort to force herself to forget about the situation all together.

"A little? You hauled us all here in the middle of freaking breakfast! I swear, you're such an idiot sometimes…" Shinji gave her a sheepish half-smile, happy to find no anger or true annoyance in Asuka's voice. He was fairly nervous himself, in all honesty he had no clue of what he was going to say to Rei, and added to that was the fact that in his frantic desire to see her, he had forgotten to bring a gift. Deep down, he felt a heavy pang of guilt nest inside his chest. The first thing he had offered Asuka had been attempted murder and a pack of instant noodles.

"Well? Are you gonna get inside any time today, Shinji-kun?" Misato poked at his head several times, enjoying how he grew more and more annoyed with every small jab. "C'mon, Misato-san, stop that! I'm going, just… I don't even know what to say…"

Asuka rolled her eyes, turning to take matters into her own hands. "Oh, for the love of… How about hello, Baka?" Without any warning, she knocked very solidly on Rei's door, giving Shinji a sheepish smile as he panicked.

"Bu-bu-but! Come on, why do you do this to me?" whispered Shinji forcefully, panicking some more. Asuka ignored his ruffled his hair, giving him another wide, wolfish grin. "Because," she said, pinching his cheek and ignoring his slight jolt when her fingers touched his face, "if _I _don't do it then we're gonna be stuck outside this door for about an hour, and I´m getting hungry, Baka. Plus, now you can't turn around! No running away, remember?" She slapped his cheek playfully, turning to knock on the door once again.

"Come in." Hearing Rei's voice through the door made Shinji gulp, but it forced him stand somewhat straighter. He felt Misato's hand on his shoulder and chuckled when Asuka rolled her eyes again. He pushed the button, and the door opened.

Rei sat on the table with her hands on her lap, watching the trees through her window as the sun caressed her body. Even to Asuka, who under no circumstances would say it out loud, she looked angelic. Free. The light was bright enough to almost shine against her skin, her bluish strands danced with the fading wind that entered both through the window and the open door. Her crimson eyes turned to the small group on the door, stopping completely when she found her brother.

"Shinji." Said Rei in a quiet voice. A small smile drew over her face when the boy in question took a few cautious steps forward, still looking unsure. Rei tried, in Shinji's interest, to ignore the presence of the redhead and act polite and respectful towards Misato; so in such spirits she stood and bowed respectfully to the three of them. "Katsuragi-san, Sohryu. It is fortunate that you have survived."

Both Misato and Asuka blinked in surprise. In all honesty they had both expected to be fully ignored in what was supposed to be some sort of family reunion. They stood quiet while Rei and Shinji shared a brief hug and a few hushed words amongst each other. Asuka noticed that for a moment, Rei's eyes went over to Shinji's abdomen and chest and narrowed, even if it was for a simple second.

"Umm… We're happy you're back too, Rei! Boy, did you take a while." Misato said, trying not to stare at the blue haired teen. Rei made eye contact with the redhead for a brief second, noticing the hesitance and discomfort in her posture and expression. In her mind, Rei smiled maliciously.

"Took you long enough, Wondergirl." The redhead spoke with a clearly forced sunny demeanor, trying to at least pretend to be happy about Rei being back in the world.

On the inside, Asuka fought the urge to leave that intensified with every second. Her right eye actually twitched when Rei and Shinji sat on her bed, smiling and talking in complete comfort, as if they had never left each other's presence. She felt liquid fire wash through her veins, nesting again in her chest and blossoming in pure anger. It wasn't fair. How much time, how many hardships and pain and blood had they had to spill and suffer through just to have that same comfort? And yet it was so easy for the First to simply sit, chat and otherwise connect with Shinji in a way that she only dreamed of. There they were, talking nonsense about God knows what and smiling away like everything was fucking right with the world. It had taken eight months to put all the shit she had been through behind and actually try to build a relationship with Shinji, it had ultimately come to her almost killing him to finally understand how important he was. And yet this… clone, this abomination had to do nothing but stretch out her hand and Shinji would come running.

She felt a heavy hand land on her shoulder. Gazing up she saw Misato's stern face signaling for the door as her hand squeezed the redhead's shoulder. "We'll leave you guys to catch up and stuff, kay Shinji-kun?" said the boy's guardian. Asuka lifted a skeptical eyebrow at her, not really minding to leave at all. "We'll go grab some lunch and bring you guys something to eat too, so…"

Shinji, who had up to that point been fully immersed in his conversation with Rei, blushed when he noticed he had completely ignored his roommates. "Umm, you don't have to-"

"Thank you, Mayor. I would like something vegetarian, if you would be so kind." Rei interrupted, speaking in her usual monotone and almost making the Sub-Commander jump. Even when speaking words of gratitude; in Misato's opinion Rei was still way too weird.

Asuka's right eye twitched slightly again, her nostrils flaring, but she felt the pressure on her shoulder increase exponentially. "Yeah, lunch. Sure, whatever." The former Second Child simply turned away in a cloud of red hair, disappearing behind the door with Misato, not even bothering to turn her eyes towards Shinji's bewildered expression.

As the door hissed behind them, Asuka finally managed to take a breath and relax her tense shoulders. Misato eyed her charge with resilience as the younger woman attempted to untangle her aching nerves.

"You know, if you didn't feel comfortable coming over, you should've talked to me." Misato said nonchantly, walking towards the cafeteria and signaling her female charge to follow. Asuka huffed, crossing her arms around her chest but otherwise going behind her guardian. She still kept a stubborn silence as they walked along the corridors while glaring at the ground, keeping her mind in the single task of putting distance between herself and Shinji's sister.

"Why does Rei bother you so much, Asuka?" The redhead eyed her guardian hotly from beneath her red bangs before answering, minding to keep her tone perfectly level, but failing to contain the sarcastic disdain that spewed from her voice.

"Oh, gee, tough question. Let me think… hmm. Oh, maybe it's the fact that's she's a total freak! She does anything you order her to, I bet if Shinji ordered that bitch to undress and give him a lap dance she'd fucking do it!" Asuka fisted her hands, feeling the anger wash away with every insult. "She's always the victim in everyone's eyes, even to Shinji she's the fucking damsel in distress that needs saving, Ohhh poor little Rei-chan, got to be raised by the Bastard himself, boohoo. Poor little Rei-chan wasn't allowed to feel, boohoo. Ughh, I just hate the very sight of her." Asuka kept walking, not noticing her pace had increases and her glare was deep enough to pierce metal. She fought the need to run a hand through her throat; she always did that when _those _memories came back. She felt a foul taste in her mouth.

"Everything's so easy for her… you know what was the first thing Shinji did after he dragged me out of that puddle? He tried to kill me." Asuka nodded when Misato actually stopped walking for a second, frozen in shock.

"Yeah, but that's not even the point. I… think I understand _why_ he did it, but it's so fucking selfish of him to just go with open arms to _her_. Why… why can't we ever talk like that? What is it about Rei that makes her so… fucking better than me…?"

Misato sighed, stopping both herself and Asuka. She took her charge by the face, forcing her to look at her straight in the eye. Asuka, being who she was, stared right back at her, almost demanding an explanation with her tight expression. This was going to take a while. "Asuka, this is not about her being better than you. This is about Shinji trying to build a family, don't you see? He has a close relationship with Rei, they understand each other, if it is because they're brother and sister or for some other reason we don't know, I'm not sure, but the truth is that Rei sacrificed herself for him. Twice. She fought to her last breath so he could have a chance of finding peace. You, on the other hand, have rarely ever shown anything but spite to him. You put him in a hospital no less than a month ago, Asuka."

She saw Asuka's face tighten even more in rage, her fists balled as if she was ready to deck her right then, but soon enough a heavy pang of guilt and shame flashed over her and those blue eyes fell to the floor. Misato smiled a bit sadly. "Even so…." The electric blue orbs jumped right back at her.

"Shinji _worships _you, he lives and breaths because you are with him, because you're in his life. Even if he has to take all your hate, to him it's better than a life without you, go figure why that is. Not even all those hits you gave him were strong enough to make him want to leave. If you want to be close to him, maybe you should just try being yourself. Your real self. " Asuka turned her eyes to the floor, feeling ashamed of her display of weakness. She shook off Misato's already slackening grip from her face, turning to walk away towards the dinning room. Asuka's train of thought was much darker that what Misato had imagined.

_What if this is the real me? What then? What if I have nothing to offer him but this? What's gonna happen when I loose it again and Wondergirl takes him away? I won't let her… I won't let her take him from me…_

Misato walked along silently, believing any other words to be unnecessary. She knew deep down that both Asuka and Rei had a vast number of differences that would most likely explode very soon. When that happened, she had no intention of stopping it. That teenage bravado the younger woman was exuding was starting to tire Misato completely; someone had to teach Asuka a lesson.

* * *

"…so after looking for like three days we finally found some meat! And-and you wouldn't believe where! I went into this convenience store; can you believe a convenience store survived the blast? And it was pretty intact, too. Anyway, we were looking for some water and I found dried meat! You wouldn't believe how good it tasted."

Rei gave a small smile as Shinji detailed his experience during the first weeks back in the world, minding to keep her eyes on his face and not glimpse at his midsections every time he glanced somewhere else. She forced her nails deep into the soft flesh of her palms whenever he hissed in pain and pretended to disguise it with laughter.

He had been talking nonstop for about half an hour, telling her all kinds of antics he had been forced into while trying to survive in the post-apocalyptic world he had gone back to. Even as she tried to immerse herself in his strange tales of scavenging through the remains of stores and buildings, her mind traveled over his chest and stomach, wondering how many times Asuka had hit him. How many times she had used him for her personal pleasure. _Disgusting, _she thought.

The boy ceased his brief monologue to stare worriedly at Rei, who even unconsciously was almost glaring at his stomach.

"Rei, is something wrong?" The albino did not turn to Shinji; she lowered her eyes to her hands and avoided his gaze.

"I am… sorry." Shinji blinked, surprised.

"Sorry? Sorry for what Rei? You kinda saved the world, you know. You saved _me_, I don't think there's anything you need to apologize for." He smiled at her, satisfied with himself and his answer, but Rei didn't look too convinced.

"I did not save the world, I was a catalyst for Third Impact and therefore share the blame of its occurrence, but that is not why I am apologizing." Before Shinji could protest to her statement, she continued. "I am sorry for not being here, for letting her do this to you." Shinji's entire mind grinded to a complete halt when Rei's crimson eyes made contact with his own, giving him a clear view of the anger inside his sister.

"W-What? What are you talking about?" Shinji asked, his eyes nearly bulging out in alarm. He didn't like the course the conversation was taking at all.

"I told you before, Shinji. I know what Sohryu did, what she's been doing to you for eight months now." Shinji's entire body went rigid as his pupils dilated in shock and grim understanding, making him feel sick and fearful. Rei kept staring at him with those furious red eyes, making him more and more uncomfortable with every passing second.

"Umm… I-I don't think I wanna talk about that, Rei… Can we drop it?" A heavy silence washed over them at that point. Rei's eyes narrowed to slits, but she wasn't looking at him, she was glaring at the floor with vehemous vengeance, her hands were almost fisted against the light fabric of the bed sheets as she tried to control the rage that bubbled with every passing second.

Shinji suddenly felt like running away. The aura his alleged sister was exuding was starting to send shivers down his back, the way she was glaring at the ground… It was the same expression he used to see whenever he thought about his mother. Pure, unbidden hatred waiting to be unleashed on something, anything in her vicinity.

"Why do you insist on protecting her?" Rei eyed her brother with a scowl, fisting her hands against the thin fabric of the blankets as she finally shattered the silence around them.

"What?" Shinji unconsciously drew away from Rei, almost palpating the anger coming from the blue-haired teen. He could not see her eyes, a thin veil of blue strands kept him from it, but he could clearly distinguish the deep scowl on her face.

"You insist on protecting the Second, even when she almost took your life. Dou you not realize that she can do nothing but hurt others? She is but a deranged little girl crying for mama and letting her anger and frustration out on you. She feels disgraced and pathetic for being such a failure and therefore attacks _you_ to make herself feel better, how do you not see this?"" Finally, she glared at him, staring at her brother with every ounce of hatred she felt for the redhead. To actually speak those words had a calming on the First Child, but to her utmost surprise, Shinji was scowling darkly at her.

"Don't talk about her like that." Said the boy in a low, dangerous tone. Rei met his glare dead on.

"Am I saying something untrue?" Retorted the girl evenly, making Shinji's scowl deepen at her controlled tone.

"I don't care if it's untrue or not, just _don't _talk about her like that. Look, let's talk about something else, okay?" Shinji answered harshly. The dull ache in his chest was steadily increasing, fueled by the stress he was forcing on his body and mind. Those thoughts… those thoughts had been the exact same ones going through his head as he choked the life out of her. And Rei knew that.

"No." His sister shot back, keeping her voice steady but glaring at him. "I will not allow this to continue. If you are not strong enough or will not defend yourself, then I´ll protect you." Shinji fought the urge to scream in frustration.

"I don't need you to protect me, alright?" Shinji growled, feeling a bit too much like a child being reprimanded.

"I beg to differ." Said Rei as she blissfully ignored his heated glare. "Look at yourself. Look at what she's done, what you've let her do. You can barely walk as it is, let alone breathe properly, and you could have stopped this at any point, since you are obviously stronger than her. " She lifted a hand to silence her brother, who was about to interrupt her. "Do not even think about telling me you deserve any of this, Shinji. You have suffered more than enough, and whatever your actions were in the past, she has gone too far. I know you are confused and distressed right now, but everything will be fine now. I will not allow this to cont-"

"SHUT UP!" roared the boy, clenching his hands in absolute rage. Rei herself realized she may have pushed him too far, touching wounds that were still too fresh.

"_You_ don't understand, I don't care if you saw into my mind or hers. That you know her past doesn't give you the right to… to just come out of nowhere and judge her!" The pain was turning stifling, but his rage boiled away like hot magma waiting to explode into the surface. "This is our business, not yours! Not Misato's, not Touji's or Kensuke's; it only concerns me and her, okay!"

"No!" Shot Rei with equal force. "I am your family; your well being _is _my concern, Shinji!"

"Then where the fuck were _you_!" Shinji shouted at her face, completely loosing his composure. Rei froze in her spot, her eyes widened in pure shock at the tone of his voice.

"She came back, she came back to me and gave me a reason to live, can't you understand that? I was going crazy, _crazy_! I was starting to have visions, couldn't even tell when I was asleep or awake! She… she helped me pick up the food, even after all I did to her, even after I tried to _kill _her! She helped me survive, helped me make fires and properly put up a tent, she even taught me how to dress a wound…she helped me get a grip on reality, on my _fucking life_! You just threw me up into an empty world and expected me to survive!" Shinji coughed heavily for a few seconds, trying to bring some much needed air into his healing lungs. Rei took it as an opportunity to intervene.

"Shinji, she beats you. She's not going to stop, or change for that matter. Does she have to kill you for you to understand she cannot care for anything?" Rei said evenly, trying to alleviate some of the tension from the room. Her efforts, however, were fruitless; her comment was only a crude reminder of what Misato, Ritsuko and everyone in NERV had been telling him for eight months, so his rage and frustration exploded. The adrenaline cursing through his body momentarily numbed out the pain of his recovering diaphragm.

"I don't give a shit if she beats me! I can take it; I can take all her hate if it means having her in my life! It's the least I can do after I let her die! I can take it, damnit, and I don't need _your _help! I'd do the same for you and you know it!"

Finally, the pain won the battle and Shinji had to stop to clutch his side and slow his breathing in an effort to diminish the pain. The problem with any injury to the diaphragm was quite simple; it was a muscle that intervened in much more than just contracting the thorax, an injury to it affected many bodily functions and forced the body to work overtime, which became quite dangerous considering he was having enough trouble bringing oxygen to his body without exerting himself.

His face was scrunched up in agony, making Rei feel guilty and ashamed of her earlier behavior. So that was it, he was not by her side because he felt guilty; it was a part of it, but his reasons went beyond ever _her _understanding. The boy next to her was still struggling to return the torturous pain to the dull ache it was before; he took slow intakes of breath and tried to reduce his coughing to something managable.

Rei was about to place he hand on his shoulder when the metallic door of her room opened, revealing a distraught redhead carrying a trey.

The first image Asuka laid eyes upon once she entered the small dorm was that of Shinji coughing and clutching his chest with Rei sitting next to him with an arm extended over him. The darkest scowl drew over her stunning foreign features.

Rei turned her gaze just in time to see Asuka swirl furiously and shove the trey into Misato's unexpected and already occupied hands, only to swiftly face them both with a furious snarl on her face. "Hey, what the hell, Asuka? I can't carry all this shit!" The Sub-Commander complained, trying to divert the girl's rage but failing miserably as Asuka marched over to the pair and grabbed Rei by her shirt.

"What the fuck did you just do, Wondergirl?" Asuka shouted, pushing Rei away from her brother. "Shinji, are you okay?" The redhead sat next to Shinji, who was still trying to get his breathing under control. "Y-Yeah, I'm f-(cough) fine…! Don't… worry about it." The boy hissed, feeling the pain slowly recede back into a dull ache and also trying o prevent anything violent from spurring between the two girls in the room. Both his and Misato's efforts would go unnoticed by either female pilot, but Shinji did feel a very strong sting inside his chest, forcing him to almost fall on the bed in pure agony.

Graciously getting back to her feet, Rei glared at Asuka with hatred beyond her own understanding. "You have some nerve asking that, _Second_," spat the young girl. "You are the reason why Shinji cannot even breathe properly; and you dare pretend you care in any way for him? You disgust me." Rei asked coldly, taking a few steps away from the bed as Asuka stood and momentarily forgot all about Shinji.

"What did you just say?" she hissed, turning her hands into tight fists. Misato took the opportunity to drop both treys on the nightstand and grab Shinji from the bed, gently pulling him away from what would soon become a fighting ring. The boy complained, but he was still far too weak to offer a proper resistance against her guardian's tight grip. This, however, did not go unnoticed by the former Second Child.

"Where are you taking him?" she said, not turning her eyes from the albino. Misato stared at her girl's back, wondering if she was making the right choice. "I'm taking him somewhere safe, where he can get some oxygen and your inflated egos or stupid rivalries won't interfere with his recovery. Just don't kill each other."

Both girls nodded wordlessly, waiting for them to exit the room. Before the door hissed closed, Asuka threw Shinji an apologetic glace, mouthing a quite "I'm sorry" to him. The door closed, giving them both the privacy the desired.

"Alright, Wonderbitch. Why don't you say that last p-" The rest of the sentence was cut off when Rei's fist made contact with Asuka's left cheek. The fist was so strong that it almost made Asuka fall down to the floor. Regardless, the impact made her head spin for a few seconds.

"You. Disgust. Me." Repeated Rei very slowly as she took an assault position and threw a roundhouse kick aimed at Asuka's skull. The redhead, however, was far from helpless. She intercepted the former First Child's kick and retorted with a furious punch right above Rei's nose, forcing her to back away against the wall.

Asuka spat on the ground as she felt her mouth for any loose teeth and finding none she sneered at Rei, who was covering her face and trying to focus her eyes. "Yeah, well the feeling's mutual, _Rei. _Who the fuck are you to come here and get involved? This is none of your business, Wonderslut." Rei quickly recovered and moving faster that was Asuka could see, she planted a punch on her stomach. As she doubled up in pain, Asuka felt a hand land heavily on her head and grab a fistful of hair.

Just as Rei was about to smash her head onto the nightstand, the redhead elbowed her right on the ribs, and ceasing the opportunity as Rei's grip loosened, she turned and punched her on the left cheek. Rei immediately turned her head and retaliated with a fist of her own, this time hitting Asuka above the eye and opening a small wound over her brow. They exchanged blows for a solid minute before separating, both panting heavily and trying to focus through the pain and dizziness.

Rei glared daggers at her opponent. She needed to vent out all the anger inside, so she spoke the words she knew would break the former Second Child.

"Not so fun when your victim fights back, Second?" Asuka's eyes widened in disbelief even as she tried to straighten up and clear her vision. She snarled viciously, blinded by rage and charged directly at the former First Child, tackling her to the ground. Already on the floor, Asuka once again grabbed a fistful of blue hair, but this time she turned Rei's head and delivered a well aimed hook at her cheek, not before feeling the air leave her lungs as Rei connected a knee to her stomach. Both of the rolled away from each other, taking yet another break from the fight as they tried to recover.

Asuka lifted herself by grabbing the edge of the bed while Rei staggered back to her feet and tried to numb out the ringing in her ears. "What… the fuck… is your problem!" Asuka screamed across the room as she tried to bring some oxygen back into her lungs.

"I thought I made it clear," retorted the blue haired girl, shaking off the dizziness. "You are… my problem. You and the fact that you've beaten and _raped _my brother!" Rei grabbed the nearest thing in her vicinity, which happened to be the cup of tea brought by Maya in the morning, and hurled it directly at Asuka's head. Had it not been for Asuka's training in personal defense she would not have been able to dodge it in time, but luckily her body reacted and the cup smashed against the wall. Asuka finally stared at Rei in the eye, her eyes widened immediately as she saw the vicious snarl on the other girl's face; it was the most expression she had ever seen in the doll, and it managed to bring a small shiver down her spine. Asuka was rendered speechless; she simply stared wide-eyed in a complete state of shock.

"Wh-H…How do you-?"

"Know!" Rei screamed, loosing her composure. "I know because we are connected, but what does it matter to you? He is nothing but a punching bag to you, a big human stress ball you can squeeze whenever your own fears and regrets threaten to eat you alive."

Asuka stepped back as if stung. Rei, satisfied, continued with what she knew would dismantle the very foundations of Asuka's psyche. She spoke in the same tone that had defined her for so long, enjoying how the mere use of words weakened the pathetic Second Child.

"You cower behind your rage because every time you look in the mirror you see a disfigured monster; you see that your life has no purpose, that it never _had _a purpose to begin with. The only relief you can find lies within the familiarity of the routine, the safety that hurting Shinji represents. You hurt him because it is familiar, because you need to reassure yourself over and over again that there is at least one person in this world that can stand the sight of you."

Rei suppressed a smile with brutal force as she saw the redhead stare at the ground, clenching onto herself like a dying spider. _Good riddance, _she thought grimly, not being able to stifle the feeling of utter self-disgust that came with the realization of how much she was enjoying it. She needed to continue, she needed to make sure that what she had seen in the Red Sea was true; that such a future was possible for Shinji, for _her_.

"Do you still deceive yourself into thinking he cares for you?" Rei asked cruelly. Asuka retreated back to the door, desperately covering her ears as she slid into the ground.

"Shut up… Shut up shut up shut sup shut up shut up shut up shut up…" Asuka clawed at her own scalp as the insecurities that ate her away on a daily basis bled all over her, rendering the redhead completely defenseless. Rei's voice, her tone never changed. It felt disgustingly like her own consciousness whispering against her ear, unmoved by her suffering.

"How can he care for the person who _raped _him?" Rei came closer; almost crawling next to her as she coldly took Asuka's fears and threw them at her own face. "One day…" she continued, grabbing Asuka by the throat with deadly force and forcing the other girl to stare at her in the eye. "He will snap and finish what he started on that beach, not too long ago. You still wake up feeling his hands on your throat, do you not?"

Asuka stared wide-eyed at Rei's crimson orbs; she felt wave after wave of pure hatred wash into her. Never before had she felt so despised by anyone; only Shinji's hatred for her while he killed on the living room had been so intense, and it terrified her.

"That is why you need to punch him, why you need to make him bleed, is it not? Pathetic, to think you so desperately need his attention and company that you are scared to sleep on your own; but you are so… horrified by what your actions may arouse in him… so horrified, that you need to shame him, you need to destroy him so that fleeting sense of superiority can return, even for a few seconds, even when what you do sickens you so much that food frequently finds its way to the toilet, hmm? Then, and only then, when he lies in shambles at your feet, can you allow yourself to be vulnerable and cling to whatever warmth you can steal from him…"

Rei squeezed harder, digging her nails deep in Asuka's skin, letting the pent up frustration and hate she did not even know existed flood her senses. The redhead remained frozen, submerged in a state of paralysis as self-hatred ate whatever fight she had left in her. Her arms were useless as they lay on the floor, her entire body seemed useless; her vision was darkened by Rei's piercing stare, and the pride that for so long had determined the existence of Sohryu Asuka Langley remained strangely subdued while her lungs slowly started to burn.

"You need to feel superior to him because the mere thought of him being less of a monster than you would leave the poor Second Child completely and utterly alone, alone to rot in her well deserved misery. You are nothing but a scared little girl, clinging to the one person who makes you feel whole but too terrified to embrace the fact that _he is stronger, better than you." _

Rei came closer, almost whispering against Asuka's ear. "And if you ever hurt him again, I will break every bone in your body." The albino released her victim and slapped her across the face, making Asuka tumble over to the floor. She rose, holding her side and still trying to recover from the headache that threatened to crack her skull open as the adrenaline washed away from her bloodstream. Asuka tried to stand from the ground, coughing and wheezing but finally able to breathe properly. Just as Rei's drive was starting to fade, Asuka's rage was ignited.

Before she could react the redhead screamed in absolute rage and delivered a devastating kick to her stomach, followed by an elbow straight to her neck, but just as she was about to fall Rei grabbed Asuka's hair and brought her to the ground, making the redhead hit her bare knee on the floor. Rei took advantage of the small opportunity and hit her opponent on the cheek with all her might. They spun on the ground, each gaining a bit of leverage over the over for moments and each able to land a few hits every now and then before total exhaustion assaulted them.

Asuka finally managed to position herself over the exhausted Rei, grabbing another fistful of blue hair and extending her arm to deliver a destructive punch to her nose, but in that moment she saw Shinji's face right where Rei's used to be. Her rage disappeared, leaving her weakened and more than a bit sore. Without any energy left, she collapsed next to Shinji's sister.

They both lay on the ground for a while, content with just replenishing their strength and trying to recover from the numerous hits inflicted on their young bodies.

"You… keep talking shit… like you have some sort of right… then…"Asuka wheezed next to her "nemesis" and she herself allowed the bitterness to escape.

"Where… the fuck… were _you, _huh?" Even when Asuka could not see it, Rei's own eyes widened in surprise at her choice of words. Shinji had told her the exact same thing minutes before. Asuka managed to bring some clarity into her train thought, but she was still a bit too sore to get up from her comfortable place on the ground.

"We… were a team, regardless of… of what you thought of me and I thought of you. We needed each other, we were all we had and… and in the End you came to your senses at the very last moment." Asuka crawled back to where Rei was laying and grabbed her hair, forcing the other girl to look at her in the eye.

"You knew this would happen…. You knew, and you went along with it to the last second… I don't give a fuck about _what _you are or how that bastard raised you, what I do give a fuck about is you leaving us alone to pick up the pieces of the world on our own when it was never _our _mess."

Asuka broke eye contact, feeling tears stain her cheeks. "What I did to Shinji… what I've done… can't be forgiven. I can never take that back, no matter how hard I try…" She came threateningly close to Rei's face, pinning the other girl's arms with her knees. "But I´ll be damned if a useless little _doll _like you thinks she can just come and judge me out of nowhere," Asuka's eyes narrowed like a predator's. "You don't know what the fuck I've… we've been through, not all of it. So shut the fuck up!" Just as she was about to land a solid hit on Rei's face, the albino propelled her lower body and slammed both her knees against Asuka's back, managing to render the redhead breathless long enough to disengage herself.

Asuka fell to the side but the adrenaline still pumping through her system managed to numb out the pain and focus her mind on Rei completely. Just as the worn out First Child was trying to stand, Asuka threw an uppercut straight to her kidneys, only to grab her by the head and force Rei to the ground yet again, but she too was a bit too tired to do more than just glare straight at her.

"I know… most." Rei Uttered to Asuka's face. "I could feel his pain, his confusion, his insanity. I could feel your fear, your own hatred and your pain. I am aware that he… let you die." Asuka's eyes widened inexplicably upon hearing those words. The pain of the lances, of the teeth; was still very much embedded in her mind.

Rei took no notice of Asuka's surprise and instead continued with what she knew would be the final touch. "Have you ever asked yourself, though; if you _deserved _to be saved?"

Silence was her only answer. Asuka's widened eyes did not change.

"Tell me, can you remember yourself being nice to him at any point?" The redhead finally turned her eyes away from her, in fact, she untied herself from the other girl completely and sat on the bed, letting her tangled her obscure her eyes.

"You were not supposed to survive Third Impact, Second." Once again, Rei felt the other girl's stare from her spot on the ground, but she didn't bother to return it or even get up. "You were the one soul who SEELE and NERV were willing to sacrifice completely for the completion of Third Impact. You were nothing more than an offering, a trigger to Shinji's insanity. And the only reason you are alive here, today, is that Shinji cannot imagine a reality without your presence. You are a part of his world and therefore were able to come back."

Asuka sighed, running a hand through the mess of knots that was her hair. "Yeah… I know that." Rei huffed angrily at her comment as she slowly rose to her feet.

"And yet you continuously… hurt him because you are still too frightened to let him take care of you." With whatever strength she had left, Rei walked over to her and gave Asuka another slap for good measure, trying not to succumb to the deafening pain all over her body. Even her palm was starting to sting from slapping the girl so much.

"If you ever hurt him like that again, I will not come at you with fists, Second." Asuka chuckled painfully, trying not to collapse on the bed itself and let out a long scream of agony.

"Yeah, I know that too." She settled for lightly kicking Rei on the leg and making her stumble on her way to the door. Just as Rei was about to exit, she was surprised to hear the girl's normally monotone voice tinted with a bit of sarcasm. "This was… acceptable. Now if you will excuse me, I will seek medical attention and free you of any charges."

Asuka snorted, refusing to look at Rei. "Yeah, we should totally do this more often, girlfriend. Maybe make a monthly routine out of it or something. Next time we should rent a ring and shit." Her only answer was the metal door hissing open and hissing closed.

Completely exhausted, Asuka collapsed on the mattress and remained there for about an hour, not wondering for a second why Rei didn't bother to come back to the room, she rested undisturbed until a disgruntled Misato came through the door. The older woman took a pitying glance at her charge, wondering at what point she had considered cutting off her drinking a good choice.

"See," the Sub-Commander told Asuka. "This kind of shit is why I never wanted to have kids in the first place." Asuka didn't bother to utter more of a response than a low grunt. "Come on Jet Li, let's go home."

* * *

Ritsuko's eyes scanned through the file presented on her desktop, wondering with each word how it was possible to have hidden such information for so long. Whatever this thing was, it was too dangerous to have been kept a secret. If SEELE had a weapon as dominant, why had they not used it before? Could it be that such a weapon was responsible for the AT-field MAGI had detected?

"Hmm… this is not good."

_Test Pilot no. 7. Designation 0487110. Age: 13. Contact experiment failed. Subject: deceased. _There was an awful feeling nesting in the Commander's chest as her eyes travelled through the document, every word seemed to glare and threaten her with promises of danger. _Test Pilot no.8. Designation 0480111. Age: 14. Contact experiment failed. Subject: Post-coma unresponsiveness. Test Pilot no. 9. Designation 0480112. Age:12. Contact experiment failed. Subject: Deceased… Test Pilot 11…14…Subject: Deceased…Deceased…Deceased…Contact experiment failed… Test Pilot 19… Brain Death…failed…failed… _

At the end of the long list she found one number that did not end in failed or deceased. The test pilot no. 21 had apparently been able to survive the first synch test, but there was no additional information regarding the procedure or even the score of such experiment. The text simply stated: _Contact experiment achieved. CAUTION. _The documented ended inexplicably, as if the data had been cut off for. What was worst was the fact that the synch rates of the children used in the experiments had been steadily rising up to a certain point, when something happened and they died or ended up no better than a vegetable with no apparent reason whatsoever. The pulses flooded backwards, the synch rates fell to zero and the subjects suffered irreparable brain damage.

Reading on, she came to a chapter in the report called "SIBERIA". Curious, Ritsuko quickly revised the information, her eyes growing wider and her worry deepening with every word. –_CAUTION… DNA TESTS INCONCLUSIVE… PILOT IS UNSTABLE… … SUBJECT OUT OF CONTROL… SYNCHRONIZATION 147%... EXPERIMENT REACHES DANGEROUS ENERGY LEVELS… EGO BORDERLINE BREACHED… … S2 ORGAN ACTIVATED… RED SKY… BERSERKER…DANGER… 285 CASUALTIES…DANGER._

It took the burning in her lungs to realize she had been holding her breath. Berserker. Apparently, SEELE had bitten off more than they could chew with whatever they were experimenting with in Siberia, which were not good news to her or humanity in general. What was so unstable that the old men themselves were reluctant to use at their advantage? What could they possibly have awakened that terrified them so much? The very men who had tried to control the end of the world twice, hesitant to use a powerful asset at their advantage, it made no sense at all.

The disk offered more questions than answers, but it left one fact quite clear. There was still something else out there with the power of an Evangelion, something that SEELE itself was afraid of, but she had no doubt that if pushed hard enough, would unleash the so called Project X. That, however, was not was worried Ritsuko, dealing with post-apocalyptic creatures and destroying them was her job, after all. No, what worried her was the method; if they wanted to win, there was only one way.

The only thing strong enough to stop an EVA was another EVA, but the one in their possession was somehow sentient and most likely answered only to a psychotic, bipolar and unpredictably aggressive redhead, who had no less than an hour ago engaged in a fist fight with the recently returned First Child for no other reason other than communicating their mutual hatred for one another. Ritsuko did not like this at all. Every way she analyzed the situation, she came to the same disturbing conclusion.

Asuka would have to pilot again.

* * *

The ride home was deadly quiet. Misato did not speak a word as she drove through the streets. Nothing more than a hushed curse as she dodged a boulder or another car at dangerous speeds could be discerned from the Sub-Commander. The only exchange of words between them both had only occurred when Asuka desperately asked how Shinji was and Misato coldly reassured her that he was fine and resting at home.

Her eye was sore and it was starting to swell. The wounds on her neck were starting to sting horribly, her cheek was already red and turning a bit purple on the side. Her sides hurt when she breathed and every part around her throat was a big nasty red bruise. Even throughout the pain, she felt strangely relieved, as if some sort of retribution had finally been delivered. The only thing that worried her was Shinji's reaction upon knowing she had beaten up his sister on her first day on planet living, but other than that she didn't give two shits about what Misato or Ritsuko thought about it. They could give her a restraining order for all she cared, it didn't make a difference. Something had been cleared out between her and Rei, and if they well hated each other and would continue to do so for a long time, at least they had each stated their peace and could finally move on from some childish rivalry.

Before she realized it they were walking alongside each other through the not so deserted parking lot at the side of their building, nearing to the entrance as Asuka hobbled a bit farther from her guardian.

"So," said Misato as she inspected her nails and pretended not to care about Asuka's beaten state. "Did you have a nice fight with your little friend?" Even through the pain, Asuka managed to snort out a laugh.

"I guess you could say that." Asuka answered snidely, feeling the sting of her cheek every time she spoke. They entered the elevator chuckling softly, feeling a tad more comfortable with each other. Misato looked down to her charge, noticing the ugly bruise on her knee and the terrible handprints around her throat. What worried her, though, was the lack of any fire whatsoever in Asuka's eyes. That definitely had not been part of the plan.

"Hey," she said softly, making the redhead stare at her in wonder. "This is the last time you ever pick a fight like that, you got me?" Just as Asuka was about to retort, she raised her hand. "Don't even think about it. I let Rei walk all over your ass because I was getting sick of your little attitude, but I'll be damned I let anyone else hurt you like that again. And I will personally put you in a box and mail you back to Germany if you ever pick a fight with anyone without a good reason."

Asuka simply snorted, wondering where the hell that motherly attitude had been during the Angel attacks, when she had really needed it.

"So… I guess you don't really wanna talk." Misato commented drily just moments before the elevator dinged and the doors opened. Neither moved.

Asuka stared at the ground, trying to organize the turmoil nesting in her head. "My freaking jaw hurts like hell and I think I bit my tongue, so no. I don't wanna talk." Misato chuckled, moving alongside the corridor and making sure the snipers and security detail around the building were in their respective positions.

"You don't want to talk to _me_, but I bet you'll be singing and bitching to your little Shin-chan back at home, hmmm?" Despite the fact that her cheek was turning bluish, Asuka managed to blush but kept her stride nonetheless. Misato chuckled from behind her. "You know, he was pretty upset about your little discussion with Rei. He was screaming through the phone when I saw Rei in the infirmary. Boy, that kid just doesn't understand the term _resting_."

Asuka didn't say anything; she simply kept walking until they reached the apartment's door. The redhead felt really stupid, although she would never show it. She had masterfully managed to fuck up Shinji's first day at home _and_ his reunion with his long lost sister. She was actually dreading the idea of going into the house and facing Shinji and whatever animosity she had awoken in him. Shinji could be very scary when he was angry, and even if she never said it out loud, she was terrified of that side of him, totally and completely terrified.

The door hissed open before she even had time to smooth out the mess of tangles on top of her head, but it all came to be quite meaningless when she spotted a brown haired head sitting on the couch. Never the one to shy away from battle, Asuka stubbornly raised her head and let herself in the house before her own guardian. She had absolutely nothing to explain, Rei had provoked her and she had responded, simple as that.

"Shinji! We're home! Would you be a dear and patch up our little German she-devil?" Misato pretty much demanded as she strode through the house and rummaged through the kitchen. Once inside, the Sub-Commander stared wide-eyed at the

"You made dinner? Shinji, god damnit I told you to rest!" She received no answer, so huffing in dejection and exhaustion, Misato pured a healthy dosage of food into her plate and headed for her room, fully intent on eating and taking a long, relaxing bath. Asuka stayed on the door a bit longer wondering if it was too late to turn her back and take a walk through the park for a couple of hours, that way maybe Shinji wouldn't be as mad as he was right that moment. The simple fact that he had completely ignored Misato's demands spoke volumes.

She heard the couch ruffle as he got up and slowly walked to the bathroom, probably to retrieve their first aid kit in order to patiently clean and dress her wounds like she had taught him to not too long ago. Torn between the idea of running away or staying put right where she was, Asuka stared at her feet, wondering why she didn't feel any pride left to help her raise her head. It was simply ridiculous, all she managed to do was cause Shinji pain and suffering, even when what she was trying to do was to change her attitude so they could be closer.

"Damnit…" She whispered, trying to contain the tears that threatened to spill at any moment. "God… damnit…"

"Asuka."

Asuka's eyes widened when Shinji called her name. She was surprised to hear such coldness from him; it was completely uncharacteristic of the boy to act so devoid of emotion. It creepily reminded her of Commander Ikari, but she concluded that facing Shinji right then and there would put an end to that horrid day and that she'd be able to relax in the shower for a bit.

The redhead sighed when Shinji repeated her name from the table, where he was apparently arranging the bandages, water and disinfectant d needed to patch her up. She made her stride as slow and delicate as she could, minding to take her sweet time and delay the inevitable as much as possible and also trying to catch a glimpse of Shinji's face before sitting with him, but his head was lowered and his back turned to her and facing the kitchen wall, so Asuka neglected her caution and instead unceremoniously dropped herself on the chair next to his, hissing in pain soon after from her blunt occurrence. To her utmost surprise, Shinji chuckled softly.

"You should be more careful, you know. I've been telling you for eight months," He grabbed her right hand without any warning, inspecting the bruised knuckled and swollen skin around it, seemingly oblivious to the unbelieving look Asuka was giving him. "You always insisted on going to the worst buildings when we were looking for food, remember?"

Asuka smiled a bittersweet smile at the memories he referred to. The few moments they had actually understood one another during that week, those few moments of normality and kindness whenever she hurt herself trying to get something fancy for dinner and he cleaned her wounds, prepared the bath and bandaged her soon after.

"Yeah," she whispered, looking at the ground. "I remember."

"_Hey, Asuka! I don't think… that building doesn't look safe!"_

"_Are you an idiot? It's perfectly safe, see? Now come on, I want some meat!"_

"_Wait, don't jump on it! Asuka!" _

"_AAHHH!" _

"AAAAHHHH!"

The pain from contact with the wet cloth around her knuckles made her scream, but the soothing sensation of the warm water as it washed away the clotted blood and relaxed the bruised skin felt like a blessing. Shinji chuckled again, minding to keep his attention on the wounds. Thankfully she didn't seem to have anything on her that he couldn't fix. The memories of that time were mostly dark, but those rare moments were the few Shinji treasured the most in his own mind.

"You never listened to me, but I guess that's just who you are…"

"_Oww…"_

"_See? I told you not to go into that building, and I told you not to jump on the roof."_

"_I know, but do you have to be so damn rough, Baka? Have some finesse, for Heaven's sake!" _

""_Umm… I don't think jumping on an unstable roof is showing finesse either…"_

"_Ahh! Mm! Uhh…! Shut up and clean the damn wound! When did you turn into a smartass, anyway?" _

Once he was done cleaning the knuckles, Shinji dipped the cloth in a small bowl with warm water lying on the table, minding to wring out the extra water before he lifted a section of Asuka's skirt to clean her knee.

"Hey! What the hell, Shinji?" Asuka demanded, blushing profusely as he finally addressed her with an innocent look.

"What?" He asked nonchalantly, blinking at her with those blue eyes of his. "It's nothing I haven't seen before, you know." He continued to clean the wound, even when Asuka gave him an indignant "hmmp" and crossed her arms around her chest, looking at the ceiling in annoyance but still blushing a bright crimson.

"It wouldn't kill you to have some finesse, idiot." Asuka commented softly, making Shinji laugh a bit as he washed and soothed the bruise on her knee.

"Yeah, I know. Hey, there's hot water in the tub if you wanna take a bath, then I can dress these and we can go to sleep." Asuka humphed yet again, glaring daggers at the boy as he gently pressed the wet cloth on the cut above her eyebrow and removed the small line of dried blood around it.

"You idiot, you're supposed to be resting and you made dinner and set up the bath? What the hell is your problem?" She pointed an accusatory finger at him, feigning indignation and shock. "You're trying to get me in trouble, aren't you?"

Shinji smiled sheepishly at her, baffling the redhead completely with his sunny attitude. Once she settled down and Shinji continued to carefully and ever so gently sooth the skin around her cheek, Asuka managed to muster up the courage to ask the question she was dreading.

"Hey, Shinji," She said uncertainly, slowly removing his hand from her face. After he hummed in response, she cleared her throat and braced herself for the worst. "Why aren't you mad at me? I mean, come on! I ruined your first day home! I… I got into a fight with your sister… I…!" She sighed dejectedly, frowning at the ground as she waited for Shinji's answer. The fact that he was touching her, being close to her only a month after being terrified of her presence went unnoticed to the redhead.

Shinji frowned for a second, remembering the bitter feeling he had been boiling in for the last few hours before Asuka's arrival. Sometimes he wondered why it never seemed like he was getting a break, but he didn't feel particularly bad, either. He didn't feel afraid of Asuka's presence anymore, but he was quite pissed off at Rei.

"Hello? Are you in there?" Shinji blinked when the redhead poked him on the head. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I'm not mad at _you_, Asuka. You just reacted; Rei was the one who kept pushing it. You were even pushing me to go see her. It didn't matter that you don't like her, you still came to see Rei and if she hadn't pushed you… I know how you react when people push you, Asuka. I can't get mad if you were defending yourself."

Asuka lifted an unbelieving eyebrow at him, wondering under what reality would the almighty Third Child be mad at Rei and not at her, specially after a full on fist fight between them both. It made little sense to her, but it didn't fail to bring a twisted feeling of elation to know that finally she had bested the perfect doll in something. Her bruised pride took a small breather when Shinji took her other hand, slowly running the wet cloth through the reddened skin on her arm and the small scratch marks around her skin.

"I don't… I don't like it when people stick their noses in our lives," Shinji said, frowning deeply when he saw the ugly marks around her neck. Rei would have some explaining to do. "It doesn't seem right. They don't… they weren't there. How could they possibly ask me to fight you? I… I don't even deserve to be near you and yet they… they come here and try to play with my life just when things start getting a little better, they try to tell me what to do like I'm some sort of helpless victim and it just pisses me o-"

"Shinji," Asuka interrupted. "You're hurting me." She said slowly, noticing how tight his grip on her arm was. Not a second after the pressure around her arm lessened and the boy beside her sighed and looked at the ground.

"Sorry," he said. "It's…"

"I know," Asuka finished for him. "It feels like they don't have any right to say anything, like someone's trying to control our life again. It feels like they don't have a clue of what I´ve… what we´ve been through, but…" Asuka took his hand, wondering pathetically how sappy she had become and when had Shinji's hand turned so comfortable to the touch.

"But they do it because they care about us." Shinji locked gazes with her, noticing with remorse how sad and guilty she looked. Never before had he seen her so vulnerable.

Asuka shifted her eyes towards the ceiling, trying to keep the tears at bay. "I never should have done those things; I had no right regardless of what you did before…" A bittersweet smile drew over her tired frame as he eyes glazed a bit. "Rei was right about that. I was never nice to you, never tried to get close to you or ask you how _you _were in the morning. I didn't deserve your help, even if what happening was bigger than us."

"Asuka…"

"No, it's okay." She interrupted, "It's kind of getting old, you know. I used to scream for every little thing, I still do sometimes, I guess… but it's not because I hate you. All those things I said … what I did… I did it because I was…" The former Second Child stopped abruptly, almost feeling whatever remained of her pride choke her vocal chords in an effort to not show weakness.

Shinji kept staring at her, patiently waiting for his companion to feel comfortable enough to talk to him. He felt unsure of wanting to know what had inspired the worst of Asuka's outbursts, but if this was something she needed to get out of her chest, then he would listen intently.

Asuka finally gave a sad sigh, still looking at the ground. "I was scared. Scared of you."

Shinji's eyes predictably widened in disbelief at her words, he stared at her like it was for the first time, stunned to utter silence by her statement. Not once had that thought crossed his mind, the simple idea of Asuka being scared of anything seemed somehow alien to him. Before he could utter a proper response, however, she asked the question he had been unable to answer nine months before.

"Shinji, why did you try to kill me?"

This time it was the boy who sighed as his eyes turn downcast and saddened. "I guess I never got around answering that, did I?" he muttered quietly, feeling the redhead's hand slowly grip his shoulder. When they locked gazes once again, Shinji saw a sad smile on her beautiful face.

"You know," she said, "I'm not going to run away again, Baka. And I´m not going to hit you either." Shinji felt a soft chuckle rumble through his chest, turning to look at the kitchen's ceiling as he idly wondered if the warm water in the tub had gone cold by then.

"I… felt betrayed. And desperate. You were the only one who could help me, the only one who understood. I knew what I did was horrible, but I still wanted… needed you to help me. I just wanted for one person to actually give a damn, but when you didn't I… lost it." He clenched his left hand unconsciously, remembering the bitter emotions that had eventually led him to trigger the first phase of Third Impact.

"All the anger from being used, all the frustration of being alone, everything just broke loose when you said no. I didn't have a reason to exist anymore and I didn't want you, or anyone else to have one either. At that point… I hated everything so much."

Asuka nodded wordlessly before swallowing a lump developing in her throat. "And," she all but whispered. "On the beach?"

"On the beach… the moment I saw you I thought you were just a doll. There was no light in your eyes but you were breathing, you were warm on the outside but… I don't know. I was alone for a while, sometimes I couldn't even tell what was real from what wasn't, so I thought I was just hallucinating again. You were just another vision to torment me, another reminder of my sins, so I wanted to kill you, make you disappear so I could burn in hell with some peace of mind…"

Asuka stretched on the chair after a small, comfortable silence took reign over the living room. Even when she was nearing the point of absolute physical agony, she felt peaceful beyond anything she would have believed possible. By simply talking, sharing with Shinji it felt as though a giant weight had been lifted off her heart and shoulders.

"You know," the redhead said merrily. "We need new topics for conversation, Baka. All this mushy stuff is getting to me, and under no circumstance will the Great Sohryu Asuka Langley be considered soft and sappy."

Shinji laughed goodheartedly at her comment. "That's it? You're not going to say anything?" the by continued, the honesty of his disbelief shined through his voice as he spoke.

"There's nothing _to_ say, Baka-Shinji. You've done some stupid things, I've done a lot of stupid things and somehow we're still here. It's like scar tissue, you know." Shinji lifted an eyebrow at her.

"Scar tissue?" he asked, intrigued.

"Yeah." Asuka answered, smiling as she noticed the long, vertical line going up her arm. "Scar tissue is never like normal tissue, it's broken, sensitive, disfigured and simply different from before, and it can never go back to what it was." She traced the calloused circle around Shinji's palms, for once feeling no disgust or rejection for the reminders of the power once given to him.

"But… scar tissue is stronger. It'll endure much more than normal skin or bone, because it's already been hurt but managed to heal and get better. It might never be the same, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing, after all. Maybe a scar or two are the true proof that you've lived and grown."

Shinji rejoiced in the warm feeling of Asuka's hand on his, melting away the stress of the day and the pat month in a environment of openness and sincerity. He squeezed her hand a bit tighter and wondered how to answer such profound words. Finally, an idea popped into his head.

"That was pretty sappy." Shinji commented dryly after a moment.

-WHACK-

"Hey! What the hell? I'm a recovering patient here!"

"Yeah, and a real smartass, too! You just _had _to ruin the moment, didn't you?"

"How the hell was I supposed to know it was a moment? You never tell me anything, and when you do it sounds like something out of a fortune cookie!"

"Fortune cookie? Are you comparing my intellect to some lowly written message inside Chinese pastry? That's it!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't hit me!"

"I'm not going to hit you, stupid! I´m going to take a bath, then I'm going to come back here and allow _you_ to bandage these properly, _then_ you're going to carefully explain _why _in the hell were you cooking when you know you're supposed to be resting!"

Asuka rose from her chair, hobbling over to the bathroom door before Shinji had a chance to retaliate. It felt good, to say the least. Simple teasing, joking around and bullshitting with the person she felt closest to, that feeling of normality was simply priceless. Before she opened the bathroom door, she turned her head to Shinji's direction, letting her red bangs obscure her eyes.

"Hey, do you think," she asked him. "we can work this out?"

"Of course I do." Shinji answered, smiling at her. "We're like scar tissue, remember?"

"Yeah." Asuka whispered back, closing the bathroom door to finally rid herself of all the grime of that day. "Like scar tissue…"

Two parts of the same mark, two wounds bound together by the slow healing process of growth. No more words were exchanged between them; there was nothing else to say. Finally their worst doubts, their dreadful insecurities and hesitations had been laid to rest. They felt stronger, different, forever to remain damaged in some way. Harsher, but sensible at the same time. Like scar tissue.

* * *

More that a 2600 mts away from Misato's apartment, Dmitri pressed a bullet inside the chamber of his Dragunov, loading the weapon in one fluid motion. The Russian sniper rifle produced a satisfying click and swallowed a .50 caliber projectile as the young assassin took a firing position. The scope was already set with the necessary adjustments to wind velocity, lighting and distance; it aimed a perfect circle right on Ikari Shinji's head as he carefully bandaged the Second Child's hand and applied some sort of cream on her face, most likely to stop the swelling. Both chatted merrily as the sun slowly set behind the hills of Tokyo 3. He almost felt guilty for ruining such a fine eveing with the stench of death. Beside him, a man clad in a black uniform slowly wheezed as a puddle of blood grew around his body.

The knife pressed against the man's ribcage continued to soak itself more and more in vital fluid as it dribbled away from its owner's body, small streams escaped from the wound just above the man's stomach. Dmitri stared directly into his face as he greedily twisted the knife, feasting in the agony reflected on his victim's expression. He slowly lifted the dying man to eye level, presented him with the barrel of his own weapon.

"Kind of fitting to die with your own gun, one not unlike the one you used to try to kill the Third Child before, wouldn't you say so?" Dmitri pulled the trigger, splashing the other man's brains all over the floor."It's a pity this time around you won't be back. No Instrumentality to help you now."

He sighed contently once the lifeless figure slid into the ground in a bloody mess , picking the Dragunov and placing himself in a firing position. _Fuck, _he thought. _I´ll have to hurry before the cops hear about gunshots in abandoned buildings, but then again I never thought we'd be meeting so soon, Ikari Shinji. I guess desperate times call for creative measures, after all. _The scope was set directly on the boy's forehead, plus from the position he was in and the power of the weapon; the bullet would undoubtly imbed itself in the Second's chest before Katsuragi even had a chance to react. A perfect shot.

"And here… we… go." He fired three bullets with a pause of exactly two second between each pull of the trigger; almost anticipating the pink mist and feeling the rifle push against his shoulder every time. In his mind, the noise of the glass shattering into a million pieces created the magnificent symphony of a well executed plan.

The shots could be heard from half a mile away, but by the time the authorities discovered the place where the shots had come from, the only thing they found was the dead body of an assassin wearing a JSDF uniform lying next to a Russian sniper that pointed directly at the wall. Just above the corpse's head and written with what appeared to be blood, was a message.

"**_Pain is the reward of those who tempt with the Will of God. Despair awaits the arrogant and the unjust. The Holy Punishment will be delivered to those who have defied the fate of mankind. Beware, guardian dogs of humanity. The 19th shall rise again_**."

Under the shrilling message, another one scratched directly into the concrete simply read: "NERV WILL BURN"

TBC…

* * *

AN: OK, yeah so it took like two and a half months and all…. But I´m honestly proud of this chapter, for real. It's an exploration, so to say. You´ll notice that the timeframe it covers is relatively small (barely a day), but what interested me in this particular chapter was to deepen into the psyche of the characters, to profoundly analyze their motives for doing whatever it is they do or don't do and to study the wonderful ability of the young mind to recover, evolve, adapt and move on. I sat at home for years wondering about the End of the series, totally fucking fiasco if you ask me, but in order not to ramble, this is the most likelyoutcome that occurred to me after years of analysis and study of the human mind.

Yes, I study psychology… that and I wrote the last parts of this chapter high on acid, but I divert from my point. I needed to explore their minds now that my story has reached this point, and trust me people, it is a turning point, but I´m afraid I can't reveal anything else. Again I ramble and forget what is most important; to thank you all for your continuous support and wonderful reviews. I would call individual names, but my memory aint the best and you know who you are! Thank you for your ideas, your input and patience. I know that It takes long but I try to deliver as much quality as I can, and that takes time hehehe. Anyways, thank you all and stay tuned for more Scar Tissue! Chapter 13 is halfway done!

PEACE!


End file.
